Chapter 54: Chapter 54

When Ana finally lifted her gaze from her journal, she realized how late it already was.

She was double checking Kate's schedule for her last scene tomorrow. With the end approaching, they decided to start gathering up her things so come tomorrow they would go back at her apartment to stay until the wrap party. Kate wanted to prepare her upcoming project and the premiere here before going back to LA.

Ana dreaded that day.

Kate had been already in her apartment. She had insisted that Ana coming with her, but she'd prefer to tidy up and taking notes. It was nothing to do with Eric who, in the moment, was shooting with certain Miss Wright.

Not that it was her business.

No, she shook her head firmly. It didn't bother her, the fact that he had not been greeting her these past couple of days like he always did. She wasn't perturbed by his absence around her. And she definitely was not disappointed at his avoidance when they ran into each other at the random time. Nope. Not at all.

So why did she feel so forlorn?

She sighed, closing the book with a huff. I wonder what is he doing now? I want to see. It's closer to the front gate anyway and once I've seen his face, I'll go home.

It was borderline disturbing, how much she wanted to see him.

Collecting the book, she walked fast while stuffing it into her handbag. The place was deserted by the time she came out of the trailer, only a few staffs wandered around, clearing the props and preparing for tomorrow shoot. There was excitement around when she reached the shooting site.

There weren't many people around so she couldn't hide easily. She opted to stand behind a big prop so Eric wouldn't accidentally see her. Soon enough, the noise engulfed her, the sound of camera rolling, exclamations and directions throughout the scene, the low buzz of murmuring staff drowning her sense.

She saw Eric and Miss Wright, who were confessing their love for each other. She was aware of how easy it seemed Eric acted, like he belonged to be there, capturing everyone's eyes with his expressive face, his masculine voice. He looked so handsome in a suit.

But then, he always looked handsome.

Ana noticed every little thing he did, fidgeting as though the nerve of his confession eating him alive, smiling so wide when Emily told him she loved him, too. He made it look effortless, diving to his character, making Emily shone in his adoration. The cameras lapped up their undeniable chemistry, Ana felt like she invaded their private moment rudely.

She had read the script Kate had lent her. Eric acted flawlessly, matching every dialogue and giving life to his character. It made her question all his demeanor toward her all this time.

Was it only a play for him? How could someone like him attracted to her? An up and coming actor who the director said would become a bright star in the future; with a mere assistant like her? How could he think they'd ever work?

Because what she watched right now was a compatible couple everyone seemed to be cheering on.

And the revelation left her with dread. Her eyes burned. Blinking furiously, Ana bit her lip to stop herself from tearing up. She should not cry, not here, not now.

So, this is what it feels like to be an extra in my own life.

It was clear as day. He belonged there, in the spotlight and stardom. She? She belonged nowhere. Her place was in the shadow, behind the scene. And at the end of the day, no one—not even him—will know she was there lurking in the dark past the light. They didn't belong together.

"They really belong together."

Huh?

Puzzled, Ana glanced up at two people from costume standby who were whispering not far from where she stood.

"Right? I always thought he'd match her. Just look at them! I think I have a new ship!"

"You and your ships, I swear. But I heard she has a boyfriend. Not to mention my friend from make-up swore that Eric Miller is head over heels with one of the actresses' assistant."

"What, why? Emily is not good enough for him?"

"They're not dating in real life, you fool."

"I know, but imagine how sweet it'll be if that's the case. I bet they'd make some perfect babies with looks like that!"

Their giggles grated on Ana's nerves. She knew sooner or later the rumor about his feeble interest in her would arise. But with the wrap coming in the weekend, she was sure that would die soon. After all, like those girls said, why did he bother? Sure enough he would get bored out of his mind like she predicted.

But why did her heart ache?

She was brought back to reality by one of the girl's squeal. She looked at him, now with her arms around his shoulders and his on her waist. She watched in horror as he leaned into her, touching her lips with his own. Ana couldn't hear what did the director say in a hushed voice to deepen their kiss. For all she knew, Eric looked like he got the moon and the stars in his arms. So far away from her.

So content without her.

She didn't know she was shaking, her breath labored, as she heard his voice clearly directed to Emily or Jane. She didn't know which, and she was too afraid to find out.

Her feeling for him frightened her.

"You're the only one I want, not her. I was just being kind to her. I pity her. Please believe me."

Even without knowing why, her heart shattered to pieces.

"We need to talk."

Ana glanced at her surroundings before settled her gaze on Eric.

Noises drowned his voice, but she could still sense the trepidation behind it. She was just trying to find a peace in the corner of the karaoke room. With Kate milling around, she was left to be a wallflower. The wrap party was in full swing, but like any other she had attended in Kate's insistence, nobody minded her except this certain gray eyed man, who was now directing those magnificent eyes to her.

Ana swallowed the lump that formed in her throat.

"Mr. Miller, nice to see you."

"I want to say the same thing, but," he sighed, "we knew better than that."

Ana finally looked at him, really drank his appearance for once. The psychedelic effects of green, blue, and red lights made him looked like a brooding predator about to lurch at his prey. He was wearing casual attire, navy blue shirt and leather jacket. Under the dizzying dimmed light, she noticed the bags under his eyes, which he unsuccessfully concealed with light makeup. She could see the exhausted look and a little sadness on his face.

A nagging voice from the back of her head stole her attention, as it said that he was in this state because of her. Even after her several successions of rejection, he kept looking out for her until that fateful night. He chased after her while maintaining his role in the set, fifteen hours a day for six days. She knew she didn't have to, but guilty seeped inside her still.

Ana felt undeserving.

"I have something to say, too," she fidgeted, shifting her weight on her right foot. She witnessed his eyes darkened looking at what she assumed was her bitten lip. She cleared her throat. A movement from the corner of her eye made her aware of the discreet glances Miss Wright was throwing at their direction.

"Your lady was searching for you."

"Huh?" Eric's brows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Miss Wright," she tipped her chin to where the woman stood, "she looks like someone stole her puppy." Namely you.

As if he knew the unspoken words in her head, he snorted, "She is not my lady, and never will be."

"Never say never to something you're not certain of, Mr. Miller," she sounded more forceful than she intended.

His expression hardened. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you're jealous, Miss Thompson."

She gaped at him. "Wh-what? I've never—"

But the understanding dawned in her. She was jealous. All these foreign feelings that had swamped inside her slowly made themselves known: jealousy, anger, fear of what future may hold.

She was such a fool.

"I am sorry, Mr. Miller."

He looked taken aback at her subdued tone. "What?"

"I'm sorry for bothering you. I'm sure you have more important thing to do, but I took your kindness for granted."

There it was again, Ana mused, the way his gaze softened a little when he aimed it at her. It was like a plea, a preach. Like he was desperately trying to convey what was in his head to her. He took her breath away.

"I'm not kind, Miss Thompson," his voice full of regret as he shook his head. Then he looked dead in her eyes, with an intensity she had never felt before. "It was hard being a kind gentleman around you, when all I wanted to do was possessing you, making you mine."

Ana gasped loudly. She didn't see that one coming.

At her startled face, his look turned gentler. "I am sorry I forced my advance on you. This may be the last night we saw each other, so I wanted to let you know that I understand."

Ana blinked hard. Her mind was foggy. The last night?

She didn't like the sound of it.

"I have something for you."

"Oh, no," she stammered. "You've given me so much."

Eric chuckled, "Not as much as I want to, but," he fished a small, stuffed envelope from his jacket pocket. "Here."

"What's this?" it felt like a book or something, a thin one at that.

"Open it when you're at home. And please accept it with an open mind." If she was not mistaken, there was a slight trepidation in his eyes.

"Eric," she sighed. "Why are you so kind to me? I've never given you anything."

"You've given me time to know you," he said, smiling shyly. "It's enough for me."

Her heart clenched. Why it felt like a goodbye?

"And I'm sorry. I can take a hint when someone isn't interested in me. It's hard to acknowledge, but I'm sorry for being insensitive."

"I… I'm the one who should apologize."

He smiled warmly, "Meeting you is a blessing to me, so I hope we could still be friends."

Her heart clenched. "Of course."

"I'll support your dream, Ana. Call me sometimes, okay?"

"Right. Okay."

He reached for her hand. Lifting her left hand, he kissed her knuckles slowly as though savoring the time he had her close. His voice a mere whisper, deep and shaking her soul.

"Until later, Miss Thompson."

"Ana, where have you been? You're miles away."

Kate's nagging voice brought her back from her mind. What was that? Oh, yeah, she was supposed to sort Kate's photos from the wrap, promoting the upcoming movie. However, she was living in her mind, lost in the blurry haze of mixed feelings and emotions. Her thumb froze in the air before she finally remembered she should click the upload button.

"You daydreamed again."

Ana shook her head. His words lingered like a broken spell, dragged her days, made her aware of unresolved something in the back of her head. What was that thing, she didn't understand.

"Are you really okay?" Kate hovered around her, clutching her water bottle. She was just back from the gym. "You seemed out of it. I thought you caught a cold after the wrap."

That night. Ana's heart thumped loudly.

"It's okay, Kate. I'm just tired. You go change your clothes. The car will be arriving shortly."

"You sure?" she sensed her friend's worry in her voice, "If you're tired then take a break, Ana. You need it."

Yeah, she sure did.

Ana scribbled down on her notes. Kate was on a meeting with her agent and a famed local fashion magazine in the studio downtown and Ana was waiting in the small café nearby. She gazed around for a hundred times it seemed, sipping her weak tea, pondering.

Despite the mess that had haunted her since weeks ago, she found herself musing absent-mindedly about vague things. Like a pair of stormy eyes, the curled smile on beautiful lips, melodic laugh like no other, soft copper locks played by the wind. She imagined him talking, flirting, pastel blue sky as the background. How ethereal Eric looked.

What was he doing now? Did he think about her as much as she did him? Was he laughing now, or scowling? Was he with that actress now? Had he missed Ana like she missed him?

Maybe because she hadn't called him, he took the matter in his own hand.

The first call rang in the midnight. Ana guessed he didn't think of the time difference. Nevertheless, she missed it.

The second was when she went through the meeting with Kate and some producer. The third was when she was out running errands. The fourth time he called, she just stared at it, letting it go to voicemail.

Her lip trembled.

After one month staying in Vancouver, Ana and Kate were now LA-bound. The schedule would be back to normal before the filming, Kate with her casting and modeling while she with much-needed coffee and journal.

Before their flight, Ana sequestered herself from her curious friend and employer, finding a spot in the lounge area. She bit her lip, typing a text to Eric:

I'll be on a flight to LA shortly. Just thought you should know. Thank you for everything. Ax

She had spent nearly one hour just to compose what she wanted into it, but it still wasn't quite right. She wanted to say something meaningful, something to make their memories together cherished.

Yet, she couldn't bring herself send him that.

What is wrong with me?

In the end, she left Washington with a heavy heart and an unsent message which would be deleted automatically within a month.

Ana dreamed of him.

In her dream, everything was so much brighter. He would hold her hand, whispering sweet nothing in her reddened ear. And they would laugh as if they had no care in the world.

She would be awake then, stripped bare from the fantasy, and missing him terribly.

His infectious smile, the light in his stormy eyes. She missed the way he said her name, and that one time he called her baby. Was it just a month ago? It felt like years, though…

Was it her payback for turning down his effort? Served her right then for having her head sabotaged by the thoughts of him.

He had tried to call her many times, but she'd never once accepted. She had never bothered returning his calls either. If she was being honest with herself, she'd say hearing his voice would break the little wall she had that remained. It would mess with her writing progress, or so her mind said. So, when he stopped calling, she felt as if she had just destroyed the one thing she want.

Did she like him? Yes, she did. She liked how he made her feel like she'd never before. She liked his easy smile, his warm personality, their banter. If she was honest with herself, she would very much like to see how this—whatever this was—between them to develop.

But then her mother's words halted her.

She couldn't count how much something like this had happened in the past. Whenever boys from her school attempt to woo her, she fled the other direction, literally and figuratively. They were rather loud and boisterous for her like, anyway. And after that Paul's accident… well, let's say her trust in them had dwindled and died.

It was like a domino effect, she realized.

She was just a dull girl in the sea of more attractive and enchanting girls. No one paid her much attention, and she liked it that way. Sure, it was lonely sometimes, but she had Kate and José, and it wasn't like she didn't have work and paper and projects consuming her time.

This was the first time someone managed to sweep her off her feet. It was such a shame she was afraid of falling.

She watched with rapt attention, as awe bloomed inside her heart. There he was, Eric Miller, on a talk show. He looked so good, like his usual composed self. There were smiles and easy banter between him and the female host. Something unnamed seeped around her mind.

He was fine. More than fine.

While she was a mess.