Chapter 36: Chapter 36

035

And I know the mistakes that I've made. See it all disappear without a trace and they call as they beckon you on. Start as you need to go on

"What's the problem?" Var noticed the tiredness in my eyes as I left a continuous deep sigh while we were inside his car waiting for Gem.

We're half a minute early for Gem's last class so we just decided to kill time in the parking lot. I got out of the court earlier than expected and Var's meeting was also done.

He used to fetch me from work and Gem from school. It has been our usual routine and it only occured to me that Var had been spending not only his time but all his efforts for us.

"I have a lot," I plainly replied.

"Yeah, that also includes me as one of your problems," he joked to which I agreed.

"Get a life, Var," I told him because I don't know how to make him leave my life nor I don't want him to leave our life.

He is such a great loss if that happens and I'll tell you that my life or Gem's life will never be the same if Var's gone but he needs to.

I am being selfish for keeping him to myself all these years. I am taking advantage. I know that. Before, I thought that it would not work so I let him stick around because at the end of the day I know he will go back to his fiancée.

Now that they broke the contract and there is a possibility of us working and being together, I thought twice. Deep down, I know it is still Loud.

I can make it work with Var because I have feelings for him. I have a huge crush on him and I do admire him because he's such a good and amazing guy. However, I don't think that is love. Yeah, I love him or I don't?

I sighed again. He is indeed my problem as of the moment even though I have a lot to think of.

Var rolled his eyes as he said, "Is that your way of rejecting my proposal?"

I stared at Var and listened to my heartbeat. I know my heart loves him. But he's not the one my heart yearns for. There is love but it wasn't enough. How can I describe it? Damn! I am not understanding my own feelings!

"Honestly, I want to accept your proposal."

"You will probably accept it if Loud didn't exist in your life again." He chewed his words and I felt the bitterness.

"I am so sorry, Var. I told you from the start-"

He held my hand tight before kissing the back of my palm. "I love you, Gabriella. From the start, I never asked you to love me. I just want you to let me love you. And it's okay if you want to reject my proposal. After all, I know you would never agree to it."

"Var..." I bit my lower lip. "That is the reason why it is just so unfair for you."

He caressed my cheeks with his fingers and chuckled. "It's okay. I decided to spend my time with you instead of my fiancée and that is so worth it I would never regret a thing."

"Thank you." I hugged him and almost cried. "You know, I won't be able to survive these years without you."

"I know right." He hugged back. "I will only get a life if both of you and Gem get the life they deserve."

He pulled me away, wiped the little tears slowly drifting through my eyes, and said, "Go get a life with Lauyton. I know it has always been Lauyton so you can say no to my proposal I won't get mad."

"I wished it was just easy," I sighed and moved my head sideways.

"Is it because of your mother?"

"Sort of but Gem..." I glanced at Var. "Did you know that Gem told Loud that he doesn't like him to marry me?"

"Of course, I taught him right. He's my girl!" Var chuckled and threw a fist. "Okay, you can now consider my proposal again because I have Gem's vote."

"Thank you for giving my daughter so much love, Var," I sincerely said. "Thank you for treating her like your own."

Growing up, Gem spent most of her time with Var since I studied law and work at the same time. I couldn't leave Gem alone with a stranger and Var volunteered to be with her. Now, they're inseparable. One reason why I couldn't say no to Var was because I don't want Gem to get hurt. She'd been wanting Var to be her real father. Now, I am terrified that because of what she'd been through with Var she would never see Loud as her real father.

It's my fault, so I have to make it right before it is too late.

"Don't worry, Gem will learn to see Loud as his father. You have to give them time." He assured me. "And, you also need to give yourself time to heal."

"Heal? Why do I need to heal?" I scoffed. "I am fine."

"You need to heal and free yourself from the past, especially from your family. Have you forgiven them?"

"I don't care about them," I bitterly replied.

Yeah, I still have it in my heart and I just can't let it go. I don't know how to. They didn't even ask for forgiveness. Why would I give them that? I don't think they deserve it, well, just my mother, I don't think she deserves it because I still hate her and there is no way I am going back in their life.

"Start caring then, they are your family," Var urged. "You need to forgive your mother."

"How could I forgive her?" I frowned. "She doesn't even ask-"

"Have you forgiven yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

Var smiled and before I could continue, he got out of the car and walked towards Gem.

What the hell is that? Why do I need to forgive myself? And, heal? Gosh! My mother didn't ask for my forgiveness. She told me she is proud of me, well she should be. I have finally proven myself and that's enough. At least, they knew I could live without them.

I don't need them. I don't care. And, I am still not going back to their life again. As if my mother will welcome me, not even Gwen will.

It's only Gabriel who treated me right so he's the only family I know.

Ugh! Why am I stressing myself again? I still have a lot of cases to work on.

"Greetings, mother!" Gem said in a British tone. She sat on the back seat, opened her favorite chocolate drink, and added, "How's my accent?"

"Where did you learn that?" I said, mimicking a British tone.

"That's cute!" Var commented.

"Oh, well. My teacher taught us different accents and I found British sexy."

"Do you find me sexy, too?" Var teased and winked.

"Of course, Daddy!" Gem grinned as she leaned forward to kiss Var on the driver's seat.

I was moved by the simple gestures of Gem towards Var. At that moment, I knew I could never break them apart.

"So, where are we going?" Var started the engine and I fastened my seatbelt. "What do you want to eat?"

"Hmm..." Gem bit the straw of her drink as I turned to check on her. "Can you just cook me Paella, Daddy?"

From the rearview mirror, Var checked on Gem who's now doing puppy eyes.

"Yeah. We can do that and spend time watching movies since tomorrow is Saturday," Var nodded. "Do we have ingredients for Paella?" He turned to me.

"Of course," I replied. "I always made sure of that since it's Gem's favorite dish."

It is also Var's specialty that Gem really liked. It became my favorite, too, since Var usually cooked it for me. I guess it is the only dish he had perfected and he wanted to impress me. He did impress me.

"Anyway, Mommy! Look!" Gem held her chocolate drink in her left hand while her right hand showed me her phone. "I looked for a wedding dress and I think this one suits you well."

"Wedding dress?" I lifted my brow and glanced at her phone. "What for--"

"What do you mean, mom?" Her expression changed. "You are getting married. You need to plan for your wedding. When is your wedding?" She turned to both of us, exchanging glances, while Var continued to focus on the road.

"Uhm," I faced her in the back seat. She had her arms crossed and I could sense she would not like whatever that comes from my mouth.

"We are not getting married," Var dropped without looking at us.

"WHAT?" Gem jaw dropped and her chocolate drink fell on her lap. "You are kidding me, right?"

"No..." I reached for her hand and held it. "We are not getting married."

"Is this because of Dr. Elarde?" She raised her tone. "I get it. Is it because of him that you are not going to marry Daddy Var?"

"Gem...no, it's not--"

"You told me you love Daddy Var! YOU TOLD ME THAT!" She started crying. "I hate you!" She rolled her eyes and cupped her face.

"Gem..." I told Var to pull over on the side but he couldn't since we are already on the highway. "I love your Daddy but it doesn't mean--"

"Then, why are you not going to marry him?" She yelled and I could see the anger in her eyes. She expected it and it truly broke my heart to see her crying.

"Gem," My voice broke as I tried to reach her but she shoved my hand away. "I am so sorry..."

I looked at Var. He shook his head and told me to just let go of her. I glanced at her for a minute before turning to the road again. My tears instantly fell. Var held my left hand as he continued to drive us home.

"I hate you, mother!" Gem whispered enough for me to hear even while she's sobbing. "I want Daddy Var to be my father!" She raised her voice that felt like a thorn in her throat.

"I can still be your father--"

"I want it legally!" Gem cut Var. "Why can't you just marry Daddy Var?"

"I am still your Daddy even if--"

"No," She interrupted.

I sat quietly, crying as I looked outside the city. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I had expected this and I never thought that Gem would really get hurt because I couldn't marry Var. How could I tell her because I want to be with her real father when he blamed Loud? Damn! It's clearly my fault and I just hate myself even more.

"What happens when you marry another girl? Then..." She cried harder. "I-I can no longer be your d-daughter..."

"W-why can't you just m-marry him? I h-hate you..." Gem kept on saying and her words are like knives slowly killing me. She didn't stop crying until we reached home.

Gem went directly to her room while Var and I stood in shock. He also didn't see this coming. I did, though. But I ignored it because during those times I know there is a possibility of me marrying Var. Right now, no...because I would lie if I tell him that I love him.

I love Var. However, it wasn't enough to replace Loud. It has always been Loud.

He's still my everglow and I wished he's here now to comfort me and her daughter.

"Let her go," Var told me. "She needs to process things."

"I am so sorry, Var!" I bowed down.

Var pulled me inside his arms and caressed my back.

"There is nothing to be sorry about, okay?" He wiped my tears. "I guess it is also time for me to stay away from your life."

"What?" I glanced at his face. "Gem will never see Lauyton as his father if I am around. So, I need to be away. I think I need to get a life for you to get a life, Gab." His lips touched the top of my hair and I felt a drop of liquid fall from his eyes.

"I only have a week here," Var stated. "I bought a one-way ticket to Greece and I don't know when I will be back."

"Var..." I cried. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't cry, please? It would really be hard for me to leave if you will cry. Huh?"

I hardly nodded as I embraced him. "I'm sorry."

"Gab, forgive yourself, too? Okay?" He pulled himself away from me, leaned closer, stared at my eyes, and smiled, "I love you, Gabriella. You know that."

I chewed my words. "I know."

"I want you to be happy. It's not too late for you and Lauyton I know--"

"I AM RIGHT!" Gem screamed. "IT IS BECAUSE OF DR. ELARDE. AND YOU ARE LEAVING?" She bent on her knees and started crying again. Her cheeks were flustered and her breathing was unstable.

Var ran towards her to give her comfort but she shoved away Var. "I-I hate you..."

"Gem..."

"NO!" She shouted. Her shoulder thrusted up and down. She felt like losing air any moment. I stepped forward to hold her but I couldn't. She hates me.

"You are being rude, Gem!" I reacted. "You are--"

"YOU ARE MEAN, M-MOTHER! WHY DID YOU LET HIM BE MY D-DADDY WHEN YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MARRY HIM? YOU BROKE HIS HEART AND YOU BROKE M-MINE TOO!" She coughed and breathed heavily.

I was speechless.

"I-I HATE YOU!" She continued crying as Var tried to calm her down.

I stood there, not knowing what to do, but to also cry. I had thought about this yet I had never thought about how much it would kill Gem. I had never paid attention to that because it never once occurred to me that Var would be gone. I mean, he was there from the start and I had envisioned he would still be there until the end even as friends.

Now, I have realized how selfish I am to really hold on to Var when I have no intention of accepting him fully in my life...in our life.

"I am so s-sorry..." I shook my head.

Var caught Gem in her arms as she continued to cry. She started hitting Var on her shoulders as she repeated the word I hate you.

I turned my back away from them. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look at them both. It will kill me knowing that the decision lies in me. I have to choose between marrying Var to make my daughter happy or marrying Loud to make myself happy and have a complete family.

Ugh! Why can't I just be happy without choosing? Why do I always have to choose? Can I just have one choice?

"I DON'T LIKE DR. ELARDE!" Gem tried to yell though there was no longer force as she was already tired from crying. She fell into Var's shoulder, pinching it.

It was so painful to see her cry over Var. But pain was an understatement when she told me, "I don't want to see Dr. Elarde again!"