Chapter 26: Chapter 26

025

For you I bleed myself dry

"MS. TAN!!!"

I jolted from my seat when my Prosecutor Parayno yelled my surname. My blockmates automatically glanced at me waiting for me to stand up. From the look of it, Prosecutor Parayno called me a few times before I realized it.

I wasn't paying attention. I was spacing out. I couldn't even think straight because I am worried about Loud.

"Are you listening to me?" Prosecutor Parayno wrinkled his brows as he gripped the index card. I could sense he was losing his patience.

I stood up and lied, "Yes, Pros..."

"Then, what is the ruling?"

I calmed myself and started thinking straight. Honestly, I really don't know what they are talking about. I am not listening. I shouldn't have lied but I know I can't fail this one again.

"People of the Philippines vs. Alcaraz," Someone at the back whispered to me.

"Uhm..." I looked at the ceiling and cursed at myself because my mind was blank.

I can't remember the case though I know I've read it. Is he the one who harassed the victim by throwing stones? Or was it the other one? Damn! I'm already mixing the cases.

"For the defense of insanity to prosper...." I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Pros. I really don't know." I bit my lower lip as I felt the warm liquid forming in my eyes. "I wasn't able to read the case."

"What is happening to you, Ms. Tan?" Prosecutor Parayno expressed his disbelief. "This is the third time you told me you don't know."

I kept quiet and stopped myself from crying. I can't fall down. I am tired but I can't give up.

"It's not like you, Tan. What is happening to you? I know we all have struggles in our life but you keep bringing that in my class, then I am afraid you are going to fail this subject."

"I-I am so sorry, Pros," I apologized. "I promised to do better next time."

He looked at me before shuffling the index card again.

"If you don't know anything about the assigned cases, then you better get out of my class!"

I need to save myself a bit of shame in front of my blockmates who always looked up to me. I mean, I am at the top of the class and I used to answer all their questions. My blockmates used to seek help from me.

I am not perfect. Yeah, I also have bad recitations but still I gave them answers and tried my best. I failed today. I didn't even try to think harder. I stood there and apologized for not knowing what it was, though deep down I know that I could have answered it if I hadn't given up.

It was so embarrassing that I just cried for half an hour. I am not sure if I am crying because of what happened or if it was really because of Loud. How funny is it that I couldn't even recognize my emotions. I felt so drained.

These are the days when I hoped to see Loud. He's my everglow. However, I know that he will not appear in front of me right now even if I cried for the whole night. He wouldn't walk towards me with a sunflower or a guitar to serenade me.

It's been more than a week since he failed the medical board. It wasn't what I expected. It wasn't what he expected. I told you, he's confident about it. Not the confidence that's arrogant but the confidence that believed in himself because he knows he did well.

He did well, yet I don't know why he didn't pass.

It ruined him. He was frustrated. He stayed up on his bed for a week without doing anything. He's not crying which makes it harder because he's not letting his emotions flow. He just sleeps, maybe thinking the disappointment and pain will go away. I used to do that but those feelings would eventually grow if not addressed.

I wanted to comfort him, yet there were no words for me to say. I couldn't help him and that sucks.

What's even more depressing for him is the fact that no hospital has been calling him for his application. When he failed the admission test, it was okay for him because he knows he can always try. He decided to apply for a nursing position. He passed the licensure examinations and has good credentials.

But no one...no one was inviting him for an interview.

He was really sad and it hurts for me to see the man who used to be so happy like that.

"Going home?"

I stopped walking when I heard Var's voice. I somehow got disappointed because I was hoping it was Loud. Although, it was clear to me that he couldn't pick me up. I've been alone these past few days. Missy skipped the classes because she has an important thing to do for her career. It's not like she's going to finish law school so she might not really go back to school.

"Want me to drive you home?" Var lifted up the paper bag he was holding. "I bought you a latte."

"Just a latte?"

He grinned. "A Frenchtoast."

I smiled and followed him to the parking lot. "What's your car for the night?"

I looked around the parking lot and guessed the car that he's driving. It was easy because how many people in this town owned a luxury car?

"You can sleep while I am driving. I know you are tired. Don't worry, I'll drive you home safely."

I opened the door of his car and remembered Loud every time he opened the car door for me.

"How many cars do you have?" I asked Var to change the atmosphere. I need to get away because my thoughts are killing me.

"Just a few," he simply replied.

"And what just a few means?" I showed him both of my hands as I counted one to ten. "Or it means I can't count them in my hands?"

Var just chuckled. "How's Loud?"

Oh. That's the topic I don't want to talk about. Ugh. What should I say?

"Is he still depressed? Is he letting you go home alone every night because he's depressed?" There's a sarcastic tone in there. "It's not the end of the world, Gab. You know that."

I nodded a bit. I hope Loud also knows that.

"I asked our private investigator to check on the results of his admission test," Var said as he continued driving. He glanced at me then back to the road.

"My private investigator told me that he didn't see Loud's paper."

"What?" I raised my brow. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know. I told him to check and see what areas did Loud fail so he could focus on it next time. But he told me his paper wasn't there."

"That's impossible."

"It's not impossible," Var stressed as he stopped the car in front of our house.

The light is still on so I know that Loud's awake. What is he doing?

"If someone stole it," Var shrugged. "You know what I mean."

And, somehow I wished I don't know what he means because I am starting to hate myself again.

"Call me if you need a ride tomorrow, okay?" Var waved before driving away.

I went inside the house and was surprised to see Loud waiting at the door. He checked his watch, crossed his arms, and glared at me. He looks upset upon seeing me. He didn't even bother kissing me in my cheeks like he always does.

"Hey, you still up?" I asked, and greeted him with a smile. I leaned closer to give him a peek on his lips when he moved his face away.

I froze.

"Why is Var Maquess driving you home?"

Oh. Now I see where this is going.

"He just passed by our school and he offered to drive me home since we have the same way," I explained.

Though, it was a lie. Var went to see me because I told him to investigate the admission test. I couldn't tell it to lie because it would just complicate things. He would start blaming himself again. I am not even sure what happened. It's just a doubt.

Loud faked a laugh. "Var Maquess just passed by at your school at the exact time you're heading home? It's kind of hard to believe."

I decided to change the conversation because I don't want to fight with him.

"Have you eaten yet?" I placed my things on the table before going to the kitchen. "Do you want me to make you a coffee?"

"Are you trying to make me jealous?"

"What? No..." I immediately shook my head. "Are you picking a fight?"

"You picked a fight when you agreed to ride home with that guy!" He raised his voice and eyed me.

"Var is my friend."

"Oh. Your friend? Can't you see that he is trying to hit on you or maybe it was because you are cheating on me?"

My jaw dropped and instead of cursing him. I laughed. I can't believe him. I stared at him and just couldn't form the words because it's just funny.

"What's funny, Gabriella?"

"Where are you coming from? Why are we fighting over Var?" I brushed my hair in frustration. "He just offered to drive me home and felt the need to make sure I got home safe because my boyfriend who used to do that just..." I started crying. "I don't know. W-what is happening to you?"

"And now it's my fault I didn't pick you up?" He creased his brows.

"I-I didn't say that--"

"Then, go! Go to him and leave me! Choose him!" He yelled.

"Loud," I stood there trying to think logically. "I can't believe what you are saying right now."

I felt the pain in my chest. I know he has a problem but he can talk to me. I know he's disappointed in his shelf but it doesn't mean I will choose someone over him.

"Var was my friend before I even met you. If I want him, then I would have never chosen you in the first place!"

I stopped upon realizing I raised my voice that much. I bowed to him and directly went to the kitchen. I clung to the wall to keep my weight on the ground. My knees were trembling and my heart kept on pounding.

My sight was already blurry when I reached the sink. And, I could no longer stop myself from crying when I felt Loud's embrace from behind.

He placed his chin on my shoulder as he held my hand. "I'm sorry for raising my voice."

I turned around to face him. His cheeks were flustered and his lips were trembling as he tried to stop himself from crying.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to." He caressed my cheeks and kissed my forehead. "I love you."

I nodded. "It's okay to cry, Loud. It's okay."

Slowly, he learned to let his tears flow while I caressed his cheeks.

"You taught me that so why aren't you doing it?" I stuck my tongue out and made faces. "I love you, okay? Don't ever doubt that."

I kissed him.

"I am sorry. It's just I don't know what to do..." He shook his head. "I felt like I disappointed you and honestly I don't know how to face you. I can't even face myself."

"Ssssh..." I calmed myself. "You didn't disappoint me. I am always proud of you. Okay?" I assured him that. "I will be proud of you."

He finally smiled. I missed that smile.

I wanted to tell him it's okay to fail but I couldn't. It wasn't okay. I would have to if I failed the admission test. It's a waste of time to fail it. It means, he needs to waste another year for the admission test again postponing his dreams. Yeah, it's okay to fail...it's okay to postpone your dreams. But what isn't okay is when you lose the passion you have because you failed. You disappointed yourself.

"I just checked the results now. I mean, I never did before but the site said they couldn't find my test number. There was an error and I think I'll send them a letter to check my results. Do you think I can do that?"

"Yeah!" I agreed. "I can help you draft the letter. My brother Gabriel can also help you on how you would do it."

"Thank you!" He hugged me. "I'm sorry for being just an ass these past few weeks."

I scoffed.

I slightly hit his back. I put my strength as I pinched his shoulder but he didn't budge. "I hate you!" I wiped my tears and pouted.

"You hate that you love me," Loud chuckled and gave me a slight kiss. "I haven't taken a bath yet. Want to join me?" He teasingly smiled. There you go, he's back.

"And we'll eat pancakes," he added.

"We no longer have pancakes in the pantry," I told him. "We need to go grocery shopping."

"I'll do that tomorrow," he grinned. "About pancakes? You don't really eat pancakes."

"I like eating you more than pancakes."

I laughed loudly when he blushed. "You are blushing, Elarde." I commented as I started unbuttoning my pants.

Loud licked his lower lip while staring at me as I put down my pants and revealed my panty lace.

"Wow!" He commented. "My future wife is so hot!"

He slowly walked towards me while I moved backward, still teasing me. I pulled my shirt and my hair down. Before he could reach me, I ran to the bathroom and locked it.

He frustratingly screamed.

"You have to come in naked first! That's the rule!"

"Yeah, just wait for it, Gabriella! I am gonna make you scream harder!" He yelled. I can imagine his face. Ugh! It's making me turn on.

I unlocked the door and started the shower. After a minute, he went in naked and oh well...I blushed. I mean, I've seen how big it was a lot of times but I am always in awe. I couldn't even wonder how it could fit in my mouth sometimes. Ugh! Damn!

"Hey, I'll brush your hair," he told me. "I was looking through your things and found this."

I turn off the shower, wipe my face, and open my left eye trying to see what he is holding. "A pink old hairbrush with some diamonds on it. Is this real?"

"What?" I opened both of my eyes and stared at it. "Oh, that. Yeah."

"Like we can pawn it?"

I nodded. "It's my mother's favorite hairbrush."

"Oh. Sorry. You want to use it?"

"No. I prefer your hand on my hair." I winked. "Come on, Loud."

He turned on the shower and started kissing me.

The next day, Loud was back in his usual self. Maybe what he did for the past weeks is how he copes up with something. We have different ways on how to. The most important thing is how we get up after failing.

And, I am pretty sure I will get back on my feet, too. Three failures in recitation is already enough. It triggered me, especially what Prosecutor said, so I did an advance reading. Hah! I am going to ace the recitation later and would even volunteer.

"Why are you eating here?" Atty. Levi, who's always grumpy and will forever be grumpy, asked me.

I chewed beed before answering. "Why is it not allowed?"

"No, where's Elarde?"

"Oh. He's with my best friend. Doing stuff," I said. "Don't disturb me, I need to memorize."

"You only used codals for studying? What's your reference? You don't have books?" He curiously asked.

I shook my head. "They are expensive. Codals are the key. I memorized them by heart."

"And you pass?"

I nodded and proudly smiled. "I ace the exams and recitations."

"Woah, what are you?" He clicked his tongue. "I don't believe you." He sat beside me and pulled my book. "Let me try it."

"Woah..." I rolled my eyes. "Why you don--"

"Gab, someone is looking for you!" One of the staff told me.

"Ha?" I glanced at the door. "Who?"

"I don't know. The receptionist called saying someone is looking for you and asked if they can call you since you are not answering your phone," she added.

"Yeah. Thanks. My phone was charging inside the office." I stood up. "Wait for me, I am going to show you I can ace it just by codals."

Atty. Levi scoffed.

I went down the lobby. To my surprise, it was my brother looking for me.

"Hey, sorry. I didn't get your call."

"Gab..." He gasped for air.

"Is there something wrong?"

His gaze made me feel nervous that I don't want to ask or know what he will be saying. From the look of it, I will not like it.

"I am sorry." He bowed down. I felt how sorry he was that I could say I can forgive whatever it is he's sorry for not until he told me, "It was mother."

At first, I didn't get it. I mean, what's up with my mother? It's been years since I heard about her and I really don't care. I am no longer part of their family so I don't need to hear anything about them.

Yeah, right. I have a grudge and I like to still keep it.

"What do you mean?"

I pretended even though I already knew it.

"Loud will pass the exam, Gab," he stated. "I am pretty confident he will because I studied with him. Those questions I made for him and Zee were questions I gathered from every admission test."

I believe in him. I know my brother. He's really good. That is why I am also confident with Loud passing it with no sweat.

"I am really sorry, Gab. I don't know anything about it. I investigated the reason why Loud didn't pass," My brother explained. "It was because mother interfered."

I cursed. "How did she do that? What did she do? Is she really serious about me paying my debt because I ruined your career? Now, he's going to ruin Loud's career?"

I face my palm. Damn!

"Loud passed the exam but mother hid his results and talked to all hospitals not to hire him."

I held my chest in pain. I am trembling. I couldn't breathe. My brother held me in his arms as my knees weakened. I thought it's already done. I never saw this coming. I never thought about it. Damn! I was so stupid I never realize what my mother is capable of doing.

"He will never...he will never pass it..." I slowly whispered to myself. "No matter what he does...he will never..." I cried and started killing my mother's image in my mind.

It all sank in. It's the reality Loud will face because he waged a war against my mother. My mother never loses.

"Loud will never pass any admission test until mother is alive," I stated. "He will never have a future in medicine."

"I am so sorry, Gab. I never saw this coming. I will talk to mother --"

I cut him. "No, no..." I wagged my head. "This isn't right."

I have to do something. This isn't it.

Loud's career cannot be ruined. I will not let that happen.

"Gab, where are you going?" Gabriel shouted as I ran outside.

My tears were falling again. I let it flow inside the cab while continuously cursing my family in my mind. I had to let everything out because I don't know what I could do if I faced my mother while in rage. I could feel like I am ready to kill someone any moment. But I know that anger doesn't have a place in this discussion. What I need is a plan to make this stop. To stop my mother from ruining Loud. I can't let her do anything she wants just because she is my mother.

I rushed as soon as I stepped inside the hospital. It's a big hospital but I know only a few places my mother will be if she's not in the operating room.

"Is my moth -- Dra. Elarina Wong-Tan in the operating room?" I impatiently waited for the nurse's answer but she was too startled to think. "Ugh! Nevermind!"

I ran to the elevator.

"Okay, Gabriella. Calm down!"

I inhaled and exhaled.

My mother wasn't on the seventh floor nor in the operating room. She wasn't in her office so the only place she could go was the conference room.

"There's an ongoing conference," The nurse stopped me. "You can't go inside!"

"I need to talk to Dra. Elarina!" I raised my voice.

"Do you have an appoint--"

"I don't need an appointment to talk to my mother!" I yelled. Before she could react, I pushed him and opened the door.

My mother was standing at the stage presenting some medical cases that never interest me even though I used to sit with her doctors while she talked about it all day. They all looked at me and I know some of them recognized me. I looked exactly like my mother and I am truly hating my face.

"What are you doing here?" My bitch sister, Gwen, stood up from her seat. "Can't you see this is a conference?"

I ignored her. It's how you can win against her. Ignore her whole existence and she'll hate you forever.

"I am afraid I need to excuse my dear mother..." I sweetly smiled though I am so close to tearing her apart.

"We are in the middle of a conference. Whatever it is it can --"

"I am here to pay my debt. It can't wait, mother. Or do you want me to do it in front of them?" I bravely suggested. Honestly, I am trembling. My heart was pounding so fast. My mother would know I cannot do it just by looking at my body language. She can even diagnose you in a minute. That's why she is gifted, and sometimes I wished I also had her skills.

"Dr. Arellano, please continue..." She commanded one of the doctors before walking out with me.

She gracefully sat on her swivel chair, placed her chin on her knuckles, scrutinizing me.

"What important thing do you need to tell me that you need to interfere my conference?" She glared at me. Her gaze was enough for me to run back to bed when I was a kid.

"Don't pretend you don't know."

"Oh!" She wagged her head and leaned on her chair. "I don't know."

"You are not good at lying, mother," I stared at her with hatred.

"I really don't know, Gabriella. I mean, I don't know why you are here..." She mockingly smiled at me. "Is it because you are ready to go back home or because Elarde failed his admission test? How do you intend to pay your debt?"

"Why?" I heaved. "Why are you doing this to me?"

I pumped my chest in pain. It's killing me. I felt like I have a heart disease or maybe I do have from keeping so much emotions. Is there a disease or illness for that? I used to keep all my emotions before. I don't feel the pain and now they are slowly coming back to me.

My heart was breaking into pieces though a heart doesn't even break. Maybe it was the vessels pumping blood that's stuck inside my body? I don't know. I would gladly hear a diagnosis from my mother who caused all this pain in my chest.

"I told you, didn't I?" She smirked. "You ruined your brother's career so it's also fair that I'll ruin your boyfriend's career."

"It is not fair, mother!" I shouted. I couldn't hide my anger anymore.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"You let this happen when you chose him over us!" She yelled back. Her hands were trembling and I could sense she was so close to hitting me.

"I am your daughter..." I sobbed. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"You left home, Gabriella."

"I left because of you!" I pointed at her. "Because you cannot support your own daughter!" I clutched my chest as my tears continued to flow. "I am your daughter. Why can't you support me?"

"You choose law over medicine when you clearly know that this family will only have doctors in their bloodline!" She firmly said.

"I am so s-sorry..." I bowed my head. "I am so s-sorry, mother, but I will never be sorry because I chose what will make me happy. I am not sorry because I am not like you!"

"Watch your tone, Gabriella!"

"Why? Why do you hate me so much?" I cried. "W-why don't you want me to become a lawyer? To be happy with the things that I truly want to do..."

"You will never become a lawyer, Gabriella. You will crawl back to me."

"You know what, mother? Why can't you just admit it?"

"What are you saying?"

"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT THE REASON WHY YOU HATE ME IS THAT BECAUSE YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF IN ME AND YOU WANT ME TO FAIL SO YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT IF YOU DID WHAT I HAVE DONE YOU WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL?"

My mother scoffed. "Are you listening to yourself? I am not like you. I know how to obey my parents. I don't run--"

"No, mother." I stopped her. "Y-you hate me because I am the version of your younger self. The one you wanted to be yet you never had the courage to fight for what you truly want so here you are!" My voice broke.

"I don't know what you are saying," She denied and looked away.

"Don't lie to me, mother. You don't want to become a doctor. You want to become a fashion designer and a hairstylist but you never had the courage to pursue it. You're weak!"

"You don't know anything about me!" She slapped me.

I felt the warmth of her palm on my cheeks but I know I hit a pain in her chest because her voice broke.

"I may not know everything, mother, but I know how you liked to collect hairbrushes, makeup, and branded clothes from runway collections. You don't even wear them."

She turned her back on me. "If you don't have something good--"

"You need to hear it!" I cut her sentences again. I don't care if she slapped me a hundred times. I just need to tell her everything that I've been keeping since.

"You are weak and scared. You don't know how to stand on your own. You cannot even fight for your love," I said, remembering Judge Maquess. "You chose to marry my father rather than fight for your love when even after all these years I know that you still love Judge Maquess."

My mother faced me. Her cheeks were flushed. She managed to stop herself from crying and I wished I could. But my tears just won't stop. I could no longer feel my face.

"So, yes, mother..." I looked her in the eye. "You hate me because I am the younger version of yourself that you had given up on."

"Indeed," she sighed. "But, I did what I had to do. You would understand that if you were in my position. You would done the same thing---"

She stopped and shock filled her face when I kneeled.

"I know. I know..." I repeated. "I clearly understand that we do things we have to do."

"What are you doing?"

I get her now and I hate that I was able to understand why she didn't fight for the things that she wanted before. I also hate the fact that she's doing to me, to us her children, the things that her parents did to her. She should know how painful it was.

It was also painful for me to beg, to eat my pride, to ask her for a favor, but I need to do it. I need to save Loud from her.

"It's okay. I-I will accept it. D-do whatever you w-want to do to me..." I bit my lower lip and tasted blood. I breathe in my mouth. My lungs felt so heavy. "Ruin me!"

She didn't say a thing. She sat down on her chair and watched me become pathetic. It's okay. It's okay to be pathetic in front of her. I've always been pathetic in her eyes so that's not new. What's not okay is how she's willing to ruin someone else's life because of her hatred towards me.

"I am begging you..." I bowed as I cried. "Live Loud alone and I will do everything you want me to."