Chapter 20: Chapter 20

019

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Oh, let's go back to the start

“What did you dream about?”

Zee was sipping a pack of banana milk when I asked. She turned to me with weary. I felt a bit of pity just by staring at her. She looks weak and I was so afraid to say a word because it seems that every word doesn’t make sense at all.

I wanted to get mad at her, but I just can’t. I couldn’t even blame her because at one point in my life, I thought of killing myself.

“What does it feel like?”

“Nothing.” She shook her head. “There was nothing but darkness.”

I bit my lower lip. Inhaled and exhaled, just to keep myself from crying. I rushed to the hospital as soon as Loud called telling me Zee’s already awake.

Loud and I haven’t settled our past issue yet, well it was his issue towards Var. Though, it occurred to me that he was indeed jealous and I am being insensitive. He’d been telling me about his feelings and I know I am giving him mixed signals, so it’s my fault too.

Ugh. I hate this mutual yet no commitment thing because I just don’t know where to be or what to expect. I want to clarify it, but our schedule doesn’t fit. He was busy with his clinical rotation, and I was busy with my internship plus my investigation about his mother’s case.

“It was sad,” Zee’s voice broke, giving my senses back. “And, I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

I’m in no position to forgive, yet I nodded to assure her that everything will go back to how it’s supposed to be.

“You are a miracle now. So, don’t you waste it,” I commanded.

People were actually talking about her because they thought - we all thought she’s never going to wake up. It was really hard for her parents knowing they just lost her brother from a car accident, and was so close to losing Zee. I hoped that they would learn their lessons now and stopped pushing Zee from the things she doesn’t want to do.

I fought my tears because I don’t really want to be weak in front of her. What she needs is someone strong enough to tell her that everything will be alright. I am not that one because I am still fighting my own battles, yet she doesn’t need to know that. She just needs me.

“I’m sorry.” She bowed her head as regret crossed her eyes. “I never intend to worry you. I wanted to end my suffering not realizing some people will end up suffering because of me.”

“I love you, Zee.” I hugged her. “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared me. Don’t you leave me!”

“I heard Zack’s voice,” she said in between hugs. “I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but I knew that he was crying. I don’t want to hurt him anymore…”

My lips parted and was about to tell a secret I’ve learned when her mother went in.

“Would you mind leaving us for a moment?” Her mother, full of authority, paved its way between us.

I hesitated, but eventually obeyed when Zee nodded. Her grandmother was waiting outside with some bodyguards. It was my first time seeing her. However, I know that she’s the reason why Zee’s in sorrow.

“I don’t know you,” I started. “Don’t get me wrong, I know how to respect elders, it’s just…” I paused and waited for her expression. It was blank until I said, “Now, I know why Zee’s mother ran away from you. Please, don’t make the same mistakes again.” I bowed my head and walked away.

Luck still was not on my way when I saw my mother walking towards me. It’s too late for me to change direction, so I used the opportunity to ask her a question.

“I have a question, Dra. Tan,” I respectfully address her as the owner of this hospital. “Why?”

My mother showed no interest in me, not even a bit of confusion was written in her face. I believe she had perfected the act of showing no care to anyone. I wished I had learned that. Though, she waited for me to say it.

“All along I thought I was the one giving shame to you and our family,” I grimaced. “Forgive me, I was mistaken.”

“What the hell are you saying, bitch?” My sister, Gwen, who lacks attention butt in. I would definitely exchange anything to slap her in the face.

I glared at her before looking at my mother again. She stood there, proud, well she has always been proud and full of confidence because she knew she can do everything.

“I was trying to make our mother remember about the patient that was killed by our hospital,” I blurted.

My mother remained calm like she already knew this would come, as if she was waiting for me to come to her. It’s difficult to know what she’s thinking.

“Are you trying to be funny? That’s life. We cannot control death and mind you,” Gwen pointed at me. I wasn’t sure if she’s pretending not to know about it or she’s just plain stupid. I’d choose the latter part.

“Everyday, patients die in many hospitals, not only in ours.” She rolled her eyes. “You’re no legal attorney or prosecutor to accuse us. Get your facts straight! We can sue you for slander!”

I faked a laugh that distorted her face much more. I think I was born to ruin her mood. She is really jealous of me when she has it all.

“I don’t need to be an attorney or a prosecutor to say these things. I am actually talking to her,” I smiled at my mother. “As her daughter who is only concerned about her and the hospital.”

“As if,” Gwen flipped her hair. “You run from home, so don’t give us shitty talk. You are no longer part of our family.”

“Are you accusing me of a crime?” My mother finally spoke.

“Am I?” I meaningfully glanced at her.

I know my mother is not naive, so she knows.

“Have a great day ahead, mother,” I passed by and stopped to drop my final statement. “I heard Dr. Pervilla’s already out of prison. You should say hi!”

I went straight to the nurse station to look for Loud. He was already out. He didn’t bother texting or calling me. Well, I think I am expecting too much from him and I should stop there. I must remember that we’re not together. We’re just two people spending time at our convenience. He’s still mad.

My body could no longer bear the weight of tiredness, so I went home instead of working. I already dropped my part-time work at the hotel and cafe. I decided to agree with Loud and the band since the hotel paid us a lot for being their stay-in band. I also need to focus on my thesis as well as my internship.

One thing that Loud taught me without actually teaching me is that I cannot do everything alone. I need help even from the people I thought I would never need. Thankfully, I can now admit that being independent is not about removing people in your life, but learning how to be alone as well as knowing when to be alone. And also, trust is not laid in one night, you should earn it. Plus, I need to look for myself because not everyone will stay to look after me.

I smelled brewed coffee upon reaching the trailer. Loud was sitting on the porch, exhausted, yet still managed to give me a smile.

“I thought you were mad,” I pouted.

“Jealous, not mad. There’s a difference,” he scowled. “Why are you so close to him? Who is he anyway?”

“He is Judge Maquess’ son. Var is helping me with your case that you refused to tell me, so I am digging alone.”

“No,” he wagged his head like a puppy. “Who is he in your life? Do you like him?”

“No,” I quickly replied. I don’t want another argument so I told him, “I love you.”

His lips parted in surprise, slowly turned into a smile. I rolled my eyes. He’s being childish, but yeah, I love him, so why would I deny the fact?

“Have you eaten yet? I ordered pizza because I don’t have energy to cook,” he then added. It was then I realized how tired he is.

“You should get some sleep,” I commanded. “You always told me to take care of myself, but you don’t even do it.”

“I love you…” he muttered with eyes closed. A smile continued to form in his lips as he said, “That’s why you have to take care of yourself because there will be times when I will fail on taking care of you.”

I blushed. What else could I say? My stomach was already filled with butterflies and I could float any moment. I am floating.

I admired his face for a minute before heading inside the trailer, still feeling above the clouds.

“I am not your obligation to --” I stopped when I felt his arms from behind. He rested his forehead on my shoulder as he locked his arms on my stomach.

“What’s t-the matter?” I stuttered.

“I miss you, babe,” he whispered.

“I’m not your babe,” I rolled my eyes and acted tough, but the truth is I wanted to be in his embrace too.

“Yes, of course. I am your everglow,” he stated.

It took a minute before he let go of me. “Or let me say, you are my everglow.”

“Do you have a problem?” I asked, concerned.

“People have problems they don’t talk about,” he replied.

“People usually have someone they want to share their problems with,” I assured him. “I’m all ears.”

“Actually, I’m just tired,” he chuckled.

I stared at him and knew he was lying. I kind of felt sad because he never told me things about him. Well, I know certain things like how my family was related to his family, but I never knew about his feelings. All I have is some facts I’ve asked and researched, I’m craving for some emotions because I could feel he’s not ready to give in to me. He loves me, yet he can't tell me things that’s bothering him - aside from how his parents died.

It’s not the only thing in the world that I want to know. I want to know what’s running inside his mind when he looks at me or what is he thinking before going to sleep. Or, just random things. Well, he does share things, but I could sense it’s not the only thing in there.

I guess that’s somehow fair. I don’t tell him things that bother me too. Maybe, we love someone so much that we don’t want them to worry about us, so we continue to pretend that we are okay when we are dying inside. Is that how it's supposed to be?

“Is that really it?” I asked.

“How’s your internship at Maquess’ Law Firm?” Loud changed the topic. He grabbed a bottle of water inside the fridge before heading to the porch.

“Have you met Judge Maquess?” he added.

“Do you know Atty. Leoniel Vinze Basco?”

“Atty. Levi?” he confirmed. “Yeah, of course. He was the legal counsel of Dr. Pervilla.”

“Dr. Pervilla was already out of prison,” I told him.

“I know. I talked to him a while ago.”

Oh. That must be the reason why he’s drained.

“And?”

“His statement remains the same.”

“What’s your proof? That it wasn’t really him. Do you have CCTV footage? A witness? Someone that will --”

“I was there.”

“What?”

“I was there. I am the living proof that it wasn’t Dr. Pervilla,” Loud stated. “They claimed it was a false statement because Dr. Pervilla pleaded guilty and all the nurses admitted that it was Dr. Pervilla.”

“So, you are telling me that you don’t have any evidence to prove that it wasn’t Dr. Pervilla?” I hissed in frustration. “You are not going to win if you don’t have any evidence! Can you please enlighten me or at least let me see the files about the case?”

“I told you, I am the evidence,” he dropped and acted like it was the most fascinating thing in the world, when clearly it wasn’t.

Yes, he’d seen it. He was there, yet it will never be enough to prove the case in the court. They will never open the case again. He will never win against Levi or our family. It will remain as it is if he continues to be like that. I couldn’t even understand why he stopped there.

I screamed inside. “Are you a fool?”

“Am I?” he faked a laugh. “How am I supposed to win a fight I’ve already lost.”

“What?” I wrinkled. “What is happening to you? I thought...you haven’t even started yet,” I said, confused. Is he changing his mind? Now? Now that I am sure my mother, my family did something wrong and buried it.

“You met Dr. Pervilla again and you changed your mind. What did he tell you?”

He paused and sighed. “Gabby, I lost when I met you.”

“What? And now you are blaming me? I am helping you!” I yelled, trying to hide my anger. “What are you trying to say?”

“Are you still going to fight with me if you knew who it really was?” he said, frustrated and hurt. “Come to think of it, Gabriella. Think. Why would your parents bury the evidence and pay another man to get all the blame?”

“Because they are the ones who did it…” I cut my sentences. “One of them did it.”

Oh my god! Okay, that’s just stupid because I never thought about it. I mean, I did, but it never occurred to me that they are the one who did it or one of them did it because my mind couldn’t believe they could do it. Or maybe, I do know, it’s just hard to admit it. I am still in denial.

“Don’t tell me you don’t know that,” he clicked his tongue. “You are not an idiot. You can’t just admit that you’ll lose it if you knew who it really was.”

“If it’s my mother, then, she should really face--”

“Do you think I would care if it was your mother?” Loud asked.

“Who is it then?” I acted tough, but my hands were already shaking as I started fitting the puzzles Loud has been laying me all along.

Loud stood up, faced me seriously, slowly giving me an apologetic smile.

“Your favorite brother, Gabriel…”

I was grounded as the world seemed to fall behind me.

I would accept anyone, but...Gabriel? Fck!

“Now, Gab, tell me…” Loud titled his head a little as he heaved. “Are you still going to buy me a gun to win the war?”