Chapter 102: Chapter 102

Chapter 102 He's already destroyed

I wanted to yell at him and express the hurt and anger I feel. I just wanted him to realize the severity of his actions but I didn't know the right way to go about that.

He's hurting and I'm hurting.

When you bring two broken, hurting people together they are bound to screw things up, sometimes beyond repair.

Damn it, I didn't know what to do.

I just knew that I - we needed to put an end to his addiction because the last thing we want is letting it get out of control. I know he doesn't want to end up like his parents and I know that that's enough motivation to keep him on the right track if he just puts his mind to it.

He's strong, not perfect and I have to remember that.

He has the strength to resist but the imperfection to fail, but I know he can defeat anything his demons might try to trap him with.

He needs support, and though I can provide him with that, that's not enough to change him. He has to make the decision to change, not I.

Yes, I wish I could do more. Perhaps control him in a way, tell him what he needs to do and hell, never let him leave the house if that meant he would be safe. I laugh at the thought, shaking my head.

But I can do nothing of the sort, I can just watch him from the sidelines, cheering him on and helping him up when he falls.

He's out of the shower pretty quickly, and he emerges within ten minutes dressed in clean clothes and looking much cleaner. He towels his hair one last time before hanging it back up on the rack and flipping off the light switch of the bathroom.

He approaches me in the living room with a frown and he shoves his hands in his pockets, his eyes searching mine as if he was looking for the right words to speak. He even opens and closes his mouth a few times in hesitance, his hands are shaky at his sides - a nervous habit he had picked up long ago.

I rise from my seat in the couch, walking towards him slowly, not cutting my gaze from his.

He wasn't expecting my actions at all, and quite frankly, neither was I.

Hugging him was something that certainly did not cross my mind last night as I sat in the bath tub alone, thinking up all kinds of poisonous words I could throw at him, conjuring up all sort of different scenarios that all involved me lashing out at him.

He froze when I wrapped my arms around him and for a moment, he didn't react. He didn't need to react, the silence was convicting enough and he knew it. But soon, very hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around my back, setting his chin atop my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," He murmurs into my neck, "I'm sorry that I let you down and missed your performance, I know how much that meant to you. I'm sorry I'm so weak and let my own desires get the best of me." He whispers the last sentence and I pry myself from his hold.

"I'm not going to lie that I am angry. I am angry, Colton, you understand that?" I ask, looking him directly in the eyes, I feel the fire licking my soul, especially when I remember that he wasn't there to celebrate my accomplishment with me.

"I hardly slept a wink last night, worried sick because not only were you alone, but you also engaged yourself in a very potent, dangerous drug that could kill you. Do you know what your death would do to me, Colton?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.

He looks down, shaking his head at a loss for words. "I-I don't know if I want to know-"

"It would destroy me." I cut him off, clenching my fists. Silence enraptures us both and Colton refuses to look me in the eyes. All I can hear in the silence is the sound of my labored breathing that was beginning to get louder the more angry I become.

"It's....it's not really a strong addiction, I mainly use it because it distracts me from.....thoughts I'd rather not think about." He says quietly.

My heart softens when I remember that he has lost respect for his own body because it was always used as a repulsive object. It's only natural he wants to forget those memories by destroying his body in the process.

Part of him believes that he's already destroyed.

I took a deep breath, calming myself down and sighing. "Look, I get that you take drugs because deep down, there's something bothering you. Something about your past is still haunting you and that's only natural. Things about my past haunt me too, and that's normal. But please, come to me with your troubles, don't turn to drugs looking for the answers to your problems. I'm here for you and you can trust me, I just wish you would understand that. Communication is key."

He brings his eyes to mine, they waver and he draws his eyebrows together. "I'm so scared to put all my trust in anybody." He whispers, I can tell he's ashamed that he just admitted to that.

My heart plummets for a brief moment at his words, but it quickly goes away because I understand why he would be that way.

Deep down, even I'm that way, it's hard to put trust in anybody after you've been used all your life.

"I know. I know, Colton. You and I know that more than anybody in the world. But you will only destroy yourself if you let this go on any longer, and I wouldn't want to see that happen. I know you wouldn't want to see that happen, either, would you?"

"No. No I would not," He hangs his head in shame, "It's just so hard. All of this. All of this change and my efforts to free myself from my past and drugs, it's just so hard."

"Shhh I know. But you're strong," I say, but he shakes his head in disbelief, "Yes you are. You're stronger than you could ever know because you've been fighting your whole life for every breath. You're alive and standing before me now, wanting to change and that alone proves your strength."

He doesn't say anything, and he shakes his head again, shrugging as if he thinks what I'm saying are somehow just empty words.

"Don't you dare shake your head at me and tell me that you're weak. Yes, you failed - we all fail, Colton. In the end, though, it depends how you come out of your failure, some people become discouraged and meddle in their own pity, while others learn and become more determined to rise again and become stronger. Please, tell me something."

He raises an eyebrow in questioning.

I lean forwards, closer towards his face, our eyes locked onto each other fiercely - his held interest and mine held determination - "Tell me, will you choose to fall behind when you fail or will you choose strength?"

"Strength." He answers quickly, eyes gleaming and voice bold.

"Then use your failures as motivation to rise, and use your strength to resist temptation starting today." I say, sincerity in my voice as I let my heart speak.

He stares down at me for a little while longer, letting his tongue run across his lips and letting me peer into his eyes which are naked, displaying unguarded emotion for all to see.

"I don't know what to say.....you always leave me speechless when I've failed and become discouraged." He whispers.

"Don't thank me, I'm supposed to be here for you and I want you to remember that." I reply.

"You never cease to amaze me."

Suddenly, his lips capture my own and I gasp at his bold, assertive action. I am surprised by his reaction but I certainly am not complaining as passion enraptures the two of us. It's heated, much more so this time than the first time we kissed.

I think it's because both of us had strong emotions in this moment, and it was poured out into the kiss that he is attacking me with now. Warmth, so much warmth radiates from his soft lips and it seems to travel down my entire body. One of his hands come up to cup my cheek and the other one rests on my hip, squeezing slightly.

My own hands rest on his chest, I feel his breath brushing my cheeks and tendrils of his own, still damp hair tickling my forehead, messy and untamed.

I nearly squeal when I feel his tongue against mine, it sends shivers down my spine that I haven't felt for years. I haven't kissed this passionately for a long time now and the feeling evokes something else within me, and it's stronger this time.

Lust.

And I'm nervous.

He groans against my lips, the sound vibrates against me and I resist the urge to moan. I would like to go further, but right now I know that neither one of us are ready.

He's the one to pull away first, his eyes are glazed over when he looks at me and his face is flushed. I'm sure mine is, too, because it feels hot and both of our breathing is elevated.

He runs a shaky hand through his hair, his eyes wide and expression looks cute as he looks at me. "I-I.....that could've went t-to far." He stutters and I nod.

"You're right, and I don't think either one of us are quite ready for that." I say.

He shakes his head rapidly. "I think I'm afraid." Terror flashes in his eyes for a brief moment before it vanishes.

"You and I both." I tell him. It's going to be hard to overcome that hurdle in our lives, it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of patience and understanding.

He sucks in his bottom lip and his face suddenly flushes a bright red, and I giggle at his embarrassment.

But soon I find out exactly why he's embarrassed.

His eyes glance down for a brief moment and I swear his ears even turn red.

His next words, though, causes my face to blush also and my eyes become as wide as saucers.

"I-I think.....I have to go take a cold shower now."