Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Rosie's POV

"Aww!" I hissed, putting my index finger immediately in my mouth, sucking in the small amount of blood after getting myself pricked by a needle.

"Stupid Rosie, " I mumbled to myself, gritting my teeth along the process.

How come I can never master repairing clothes when I love wearing them?

The sound of someone chuckling from behind made me turn my head on my back. And then I saw manager Hyeri coming over to my direction, an amused grin spread her entire fan.

"Why do you always insist on helping the staff with Voelevard's stage outfits? You do know those boys dance like monsters. You can't simply fix those with your hands." She said as she takes Rome's pants out of my lap.

I pouted before looking at her, my head lifted as she towers me from being situated on the ground, "Unnie, you should well know I don't have anything on my plate right now. I feel like bussing continuously; I'm starting to feel weird. At least give me something, okay!" I whined.

A loud sigh escaped my lips.

The boys were currently practicing, familiarizing themselves with the new arena which they're about to perform with tomorrow.

I can't believe I had been with the boys for so long and they haven't head back to Korea the entire time, especially since their schedule was fully booked. I'm starting to think how they never get tired after all these rehearsals and long hours of concerts.

A few had already gone sick, lost their voice or even sprain a part of their body, but nobody stopped. Like what everybody says, "The show must go on,"

The hours that they spent on hotels doesn't seem sufficient enough for them to rest. I mean, for me, the only time I can say that I am well rested is if I had been asleep in my own bed, in my room for a whole goddarn 24 hours.

However, seeing how much they are enjoying their craft, who am I to utter a word about it?

And for the record, never once did I heard any of them complaining which sends my respect for the group to the rooftop, or probably in Eiffel tower if that even makes sense.

Now where does this leaves me? Nothing.

"I need to work my ass off. I can't just be a freeloader on this bus. Somehow, I feel like I'm one of those sick little princess in stories who's kept seated on an invisible pink chair glittered with all those diamonds and a bowl of gummy bear besides it." Hypothetically, I'm not seeing any connection or probably, I am just rambling but I'm just so desperate to get my hand do something.

"You are so adorable Rosie," I heard Hyeri unnie chuckle which made me pout my cheeks even more.

My insides are slowly feeling heavy; I'm not even understanding why.

These past few days, my emotion seemed to roll over the brink and I doubt it's the hormones.

I guess something is indeed wrong but I'm just refusing to acknowledge it.

Jake and I are okay. But at the back of my mind, I feel like something is wrong.

I've lost my freedom.

If everything would go according to Jake's words, I will end up still like some stagnant water, as I watch everything unfold before me. I will be a princess who doesn't need to lift a finger, that even going to the restroom meant someone carrying me towards it.

It's still the same. We would either camp in the living room or on my bed, cuddling with each other. The boys would still be annoyed at the sight of us.

We are happy.

I am happy.

But why do I feel like everything is starting to suffocate me? I feel like I have a leash on my neck, limiting me to doing what I can still possibly do, like a bird unable to spread her wings.

Or maybe because her wings are broken. I told to myself.

The first few weeks were fine. Jake being overprotective and so attentive to me is fucking sweet, sometimes I can't even handle it anymore.

Even up to now, I still feel giddy whenever we spend time with each other, or even with just those silly moments where I would catch him staring at me from afar.

After what happened at the hotel where I was beaten right in front of Jake's eyes, he had been the strictest. He always sees to it that no other people aside from the staffs and the boys go near me. He gets pissed off whenever he sees me working or carrying heavy things.

Normally, I would be flattered by the attention but I feel like he's being over the top about everything.

If there's actually a good thing, Jake doesn't go near me too much when a lot of fans are present. That's the only thing that changed.

Asking why the change of heart, Jake simply informed me that he doesn't want me to receive hate. They can't control their fans and no matter what he does, there will be fans that will be hurt especially if they see them too close to girls. It's funny how some of the fans even get jealous with their stylist.

"I'm feeling stuffed," I slowly whispered before dropping down my gaze on the floor, fidgeting with my hands before me.

And they Hyeri unnie was silent.

We were both silent, realizing how serious the situation had turned into.

I have no one to tell my feelings right now. The boys were busy and even Jiso unnie can't be reached frequently. I heard her and Josh oppa had cooled off. No wonder Josh oppa was acting weirdly that time. And even now, he had been so silent. Gone was the eldest hyung who acts more like the youngest.

Jake wanted to go home but the managers received special orders not to let any of the boys leave. Samantha unnie probably already anticipated Jake's reactions.

It's been a month but Josh and Samantha unnie haven't spoken. To be honest, I felt so bad about it especially since I was so sure they were fighting over me and Jake before Samantha unnie left. But then, Josh oppa talked to me about it and told me it's a problem between the two of them. I didn't intrude further because it's very clear that he's having a hard time because of it.

I was startled when I felt a presence sitting right beside me and when I turned my attention, I noticed the concerned look on Hyeri unnie's face.

"I have been calling your name but you were so pre-occupied," she mumbled and my face paled at her words.

I didn't even notice nor heard what he said earlier because I was so out of focus.

Her left hand landed on my shoulder, the loud music coming from outside where the boys where practicing was booming inside the room.

"Have you told Jake about it?" she asked and my brows furrowed.

"Of what?" I asked confused.

"This," she stated like everything was actually so obvious. "That you're feeling this way about your relationship. That you're slowly losing yourself the more he tries to break through your walls," she stated, an understanding smile showing on her face.

And then it struck me. No matter how Jake had seen the incident before his eyes, I haven't fully broken free of my own fears.

All of my insecurities are still caged to the very deep well inside me, inside my heart. And I'm locking it, afraid to look so weak after everyone thought I had gotten better.

I thought I've gotten better.

"No," I whispered as the realization hit me. "I never saw it like this." I shake my head as I felt my body gets frozen still.

Maybe she's right. I'm slowly losing myself. I've enclosed my mind to the belief that I'm better, that I'm okay because that's what they thought.

That's what Jake thought because that's what I have been showing him.

And that's what I have been putting in my mind the entire time.

As much as I wanted to pin everything down on Jake, I know I can't. He has been nothing but a sweetheart. Every small decision that he makes, he always thinks of me first.

Maybe it's my fault for letting him think that I am okay when I know myself that I am not.

"I think you and Jake need to talk," she muttered.

It's not a secret to the staffs about what's happening between me and him. I've come to realize that the boys had already established their reputation and dedication to what they are doing that the company is no longer restricting them when it comes to dating. As long as they are careful, it doesn't matter. If not, the company thinks that being in a relationship would make them inspired to write songs, exploring the good and the bad corners of it.

"I haven't fully healed," I mumbled, saying the words for myself and not for her.

Seeing Mark's mom breaking down in front of me and me apologizing had brought an interim peace towards my broken soul. But then again, the scar of his death isn't something I can easily forget.

Before I knew it, images of Mark messing with my hair with a huge smile showing on his face flashes before me.

And I felt my vessels twitch, like my blood stop circulating on my body. And just like that, I'm starting to feel like dying the same way I used too even before I hop on this bus.

My fist balled in frustration. I feel like my soul is drifting.

Even when we were younger, Mark had always been there for me. He would always take care of me and would think of my welfare first before his.

Just like what Jake is doing now.

I know how much Mark loves me. That's why no matter how suffocated and restricted I started to feel over his love for me, I didn't mind.

Because it's him. Because I thought he will always be there. But he left.

Maybe that's when I got everything all wrong.

And right now, I'm starting to get really scared of what I am feeling.

I know Jake and him were different and moreover, I never loved Mark the same way he does with me.

But even though I've only been with Jake with a shorter amount of time, I knew he was different.

"I love him." I slowly whispered. I didn't know tears were now streaming down my cheeks and that my body is already shaking.

I feel like my heart is about to burst, not realizing that the toll of keeping everything inside my already deflated heart since Mark's death, will all break loose before me.

"I felt different with Jake," I mumbled. "I felt butterflies and rainbows." A weird laugh escaped my mouth.

"The mere sound of his voice would make me go weak. And the way he cares for me, the way he thinks of my well-being first before him, those simple things he does makes my heart flutter."

I don't even understand why I am telling Hyeri unnie these words but I feel like I need to do it.

I slowly wipe the tears from my cheeks.

"I love him so much I'm afraid to tell him how I feel apart from what I feel for him. I'm afraid to tell him that I'm not okay, that I'm still not fine even after all the efforts that he made." I told Hyeri unnie and she listened.

"I cannot tell him straight to his face that no matter how comforting his words are, the guilt I feel inside still lingers like gum stuck in here." I told her while hitting my chest where it's painful.

Fresh tears started streaming down my face once again and my throat satrted to get hurt.

How did I end like this?

"It's fucking painful that all I do is rely on his touch, rely on his love to me so I can escape the reality I've been trying to hide with even before I hop on this bus."

My eyes focused on Hyeri unnie. "I'm afraid to disappoint him,"

"Rosie," she whispered before pulling me for a hug. Her warm hands enveloped my body. Suddenly, the image of my mom flashes before me.

It's not as comforting as Jake or as warm as my mom's but her touch is starting to make me calm down. I have always thought of Hyeri unnie as someone close to me.

"I'm afraid to lose him."

I'm afraid to lose him like I did with Mark. I wanted to add but I stopped myself.

"Who gave you that shitty idea that you're going to lose me? Fuck Rosie, what are you even saying? Did I do something wrong?" I was frozen from my place when I heard Jake's stern voice. It was sharp and loud that it boomed within the entire room, yet I was so sure I felt the hurt clouding in his voice.

"No," I whispered. The last thing I want is for Jake to get hurt.

With that thought in mind, I started to panic. Before I even realized, my body started shaking and Hyeri unnie must have noticed as she immediately rubs my back in attemps to calm me down.

"Jake, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here right now. You still have a rehearsal to finish," he mumbled and even with my unstable state, I can still recognize the authority in her voice.

"But I need to let her know that I'm just here, and I'm not going anywhere," I can hear the desperation in his voice and it hurts.

"Jake!" I heard Josh oppa's voice and it broke my heart when I realized that he was being held by Josh oppa by the hand, stopping him from coming near me.

"Listen to Hyeri noona. Give Rosie a space for a moment. I'm sure Hyeri noona will take care of her," he stated and my eyes met Jake's.

He seems lost and my heart feels like it's being shred into pieces. The sound of Jake being in pain hurts me all the more.

But I feel like I would be hurting him more if I keep on pretending that I'm okay.

And then I watch him as he slowly walks away, still hesitant but he did.

Hyeri pulled me for a hug and I doubt my tears would stop falling down any minute.

"Jake... " I called for his name.

I need to figure things out myself. I need to be okay so Jake won't be hurting.