Chapter 35: Chapter 35

~Jade~

I was filled with dread as I sat down on Zee's bed. This can't be true. This is me overthinking things. This is me overthinking things. This is me going overboard. This is me..... God! No! Please. I took calming breaths and when I felt my breaths returning to normalcy, I left for my room. I picked my phone, unlocked it and dialed Zee's number. It was switched off. I dialed it over and over again but that wasn't going to change the fact that her number was switched off. I took calming breaths and called Saheed's number. He picked up at once.

'Hey Sis, I'm doing a round now, is this urgent?'

His voice was almost automated.

'Is Zee there with you?'

My voice came out in low whispers.

'What's wrong?'

Saheed asked, his voice now a bit more normal.

'She is not at home. I'm afraid she.... She.... She.'

I couldn't complete the sentence as I started panicking all over again. My breaths started coming out unevenly and I sank unto the floor gripping the edge of my bed.

'Calm down Jadeshola. Breathe Breathe.'

I tried to follow his instructions but I couldn't. I was really freaking out. My heart was beating erratically.

One two three four five six seven eight........ Twelve

'Breathe in, breathe out Jadeshola. Breathe in, breathe out.'

I focused on breathing in and breathing out. Focus, breathe, breathe. I'm trying but my body won't follow my desires.

'I'll be there in ten minutes. Stay on the line and keep breathing, focus on breathing. Hmm'

I heard him yell instructions to someone in the background and then shuffle of legs.

Calm down Jade, don't freak out, don't panic. Calm down.

I loosened the button of my shirt as the room became more hot. The AC was on and the fan was probably turned on to the highest but it felt like my whole body was on fire. I tried to shrug my shirt off but did not have the strength to. I laid down on the floor.

I tried to focus on breathing again. My lids were closing and I struggled to keep them opened.

Focus, breath, breath.

But I couldn't.

***********

I had my first panic attack when Grandma died. She was the person I was closest too, I was closer to her than Zee so when she died, it was like my whole world crumbled. I did not talk to anyone for weeks, I was really in a dark place for weeks. I was Thirteen and that was when I had my first intro into what depression really is.

And guess how I survived those dark days, Zee. I survived because of her.

And now, I'd another panic attack in almost three years because of her.

When I came to, Mom was grabbing my hand. An IV was connected to my right hand. I was still on my bed. My head hurt like crazy.

'Oh, Alhamdulilah, you're up. Oh Thank God!'

Mom said as soon as I opened my eyes. She grabbed my hands tighter. Saheed came in at the moment and stopped the IV.

'Do you feel better now?'

'Is Zee back?' I asked instead

He exchanged a glance with mom.

'You should focus on recovering now.' He said.

'I'm not sick. I had a panic attack because I thought my sister left home' I shouted, making mom flinch. '... so please, tell me she is back, tell me I assumed wrongly.'

I was nearing tears now even though I'd promised myself I won't cry again since I lost the competition to Uthman. I thought it wasn't possible to feel worst than I felt at the moment but now, I feel worse.

At that time, I felt like I was falling down down a dark pit but now, I just hit the rock bottom.

Zee will never do this to me, to us, to this family. This is just a misconception, maybe she is doing this to punish dad and mom for being so harsh with her. God! No please. I started gasping for breaths again and I saw Saheed turn the IV on again. He injected something else into IV and a wave of drowsiness hit me. I welcomed the blankness and numbness it brought.

*********

~Uthman~

I smiled as I dressed up for school that morning. I smiled as I sat at the dinning table. I smiled all through breakfast. I smiled all through the drive to school. I smiled as I got down from the car. I was still  smiling when I bumped into Michelle at our class corridor.

'Hey. I don't need to ask if you're fine, it's obvious from the way you're smiling that you are very very fine.'

She said as she hugged me. I hugged her back.

'Yes, I'm fine.'

I replied her. We entered the class and I immediately sought out the reason for my giddy mood, I did not see her.

'Who are you looking for?'

Michelle asked me and I turned to look at her.

'Dan' I replied immediately. I was shocked by how easily I lied but then, I've been lying so easily these days, especially to her.

'But that's Daniel right there talking to Hana.'

'oh' I said, faking surprise. 'I did not see clearly, probably because I'm not on my classes.'

That was another lie, another lie. I just keep lying anyhow and she never for once doubted me. She nodded and left to talk with her gang. My heart sank a little as I walked to where Hana stood with Dan.

'Hey Dan. How're you?'

'Bestie, I dey and you?'

I scowled.

'Bestie? How am I your bestie when a you do is to talk to Hana all day long?'

'Looks like someone is jealous, besides were you not talking to Michelle earlier?'

I ignored him as I turned to Hana.

'Where is Jade?'

She seemed surprised by my question.

'Why are you asking about her?'

'We have a project we are talking about and I'm supposed to give her a material.'

Another lie. Hana rolled her eyes.

'She is not feeling fine so she is not coming to school'

I stopped but she was fine just yesterday, fine she was in a bad mood but then, she wasn't sick or anything. Was it not yesterday that she tried to kiss me or I tried to kiss her? I couldn't quite remember but I was sure that if not for that sound of the bell, I won't be a guy who still hasn't had his first kiss by now.

I was about to ask her something else when the time keeper rang the bell, signaling time for assembly.

**********

~Jade~

When I woke up, it was dawn, I glanced at the wall clock in my room. It was 10AM. I sat up. The IV was gone. I took deep calming breaths as I entered the bathroom, a dishelved girl stared back at me from the mirror. I ignored my thoughts as I brushed my teeth and showered. I wore a short and a tank top.

Mom was setting the dinning table when I got down. My stomach growled in hunger. Mom looked up and saw me.

'Oko mi, you're awake? Oya come and eat.'

I greeted her and I sat down. I took a bite and that reminded me of how hungry I am. I had not eaten since yesterday. I did not have lunch yesterday. Thinking about yesterday, I remembered my moments with Uthman, my face heated up. Who would have though I was that brazen?

'Do you want more?'

Mom asked me and I glanced down at my plate. I did not even realize that I'd finished the food.

'No'

I stood up and cleared the table. The television was on in the sitting room so I just tuned in to Nicklodeon and sat down to watch one of my favorite sitcom.

Mom was staring at me strangely. I saw her whisper something to Saheed. I did not even know he was at home.

'How do you feel now?'

He asked me and I shrugged. He exchange a glance with Mom.

'I'm going to the hospital now. I'll be back in the afternoon.'

'Could you please help me buy KFC chicken when you're coming? Half bucket. Hana is coming over in the evening.'

He exchanged another glance with mom before he said okay. I watched him leave. Mom came to sit beside me. Minutes lather, she started snoring softly. She must have stayed awake all night nursing me. I thought to myself as I balanced her head on the arm chair and left the sitting room for my room.

Hana came over directly from school and her presence immediately brightened up my mood.

I hugged her as soon as she entered my room.

'Baby, God knows I've been craving for your presence and your hugsss.'

'Oya na, hug me all you want. I'm here now.'

I hugged her harder, feeling the need to cry but no, I won't cry, I won't even think about it. I won't think about it at all. I will ignore it. Ignoring it means it did not happen.

Hana wrapped her arms around me and I couldn't help but wonder if I'll feel this much warmth from hugging Uthman. I suddenly realized that I'm craving for his presence and that I'll gladly swap him with Hana at this moment.

Ya Allah. I'm just really hopeless.

Hours lather, the half bucket of chicken gone and four bottles of Cocacola gone. We both laid on my bed. Hana had changed into one of my clothes or was it hers? I don't even remember, it has been in my closet for like forever. We were both silent and I wanted to ask her about Uthman.

'How was school?'

I asked instead.

'School wasn't fine without you there jhare.'

'But you had Dan now.'

Even though I was not looking at her, I could literally hear her roll her eyes.

'That reminds me, Uthman kept asking of you. He asked of you for like a hundred times. What happened to Jade? But she was fine yesterday, but this but that. I got tired and I just stopped answering him self.'

I felt myself smiling inspite of myself.

'Something is going on between the both of you, isn't it?'

'hmm'

She propped her head up on one hand so she could stare at me.

'Jade, be frank with me. I tried to ignore it but I've seen you guys interact these past days, it's not like it used to be and then you've been staring at him these past days.'

'No, I've not.'

'Yes'

'No'

'Yes'

'Okay, I give up, you're right. There is something going on between us.'

'Wow, this is breaking news. Wow wow. Uthman likes you? I can't wait to see Michelle's expression when she get to know.'

'I never said he likes me. I said we have something going on.'

'is that not like the same thing? So have you guys kissed, hugged, make out?'

If someone had asked me this question like a month ago, I would have probably slapped the person but now, because of the crazy time I spent thinking about Uthman, I can't even think of anything but to roll my eyes in mock disgust.

'oh, come on Jade.'

'We've not even held hands.'

'wow. Uthman and Daniel are so different then. You guys are taking things way too slow.'

'Hana, I never said we were dating. I don't even know if he likes me'

'pretty sure everybody in our class knows he likes you by now except Michelle and I'm pretty sure it will hit her so hard she won't have time to recover.'

I laughed because it felt so good to laugh then. I've successfully managed not to think of Zee since morning. Deep down, I know that I'm passing through the first stage of grief but I'm going to keep ignoring it for as long as I possible. Deep down too, I know I have to deal with it someday, soon because this is Zee we are talking about. She is literally my life.

Minutes lather, I turned my phone on. WhatsApp immediately notified me of new messages as I turned my data on. I clicked on Uthman's name.

'Hey! Heard you are sick. Hope you're better now?'

That was around 6pm.

'I did not realize how much I love your presence until today. I miss you xo xo xo.'

That was around 9:30pm.

I did not even realize that just words, ordinary words, just mere strings of words could fill someone with so much warmth, so much love, so much joy until this.

I smiled until I felt tears in my eyes. If I wasn't sure of what I felt for him earlier, I do now.

I'm not sure what love is but right now, I'm pretty sure what I feel for him is 99% close to it.