Chapter 35: Chapter 35

I feel Painful. Empty. Meaningless. Frightening.

You see, people don't realise this while they have a (more or less) working family, but when you have no-one to turn to and share your world with, all purpose from your life just vanishes in a puff of smoke. Everything you know about yourself is gone. You are faced with having to find the spirit within to make sense of your life, find courage, and give yourself direction. Worst of all, any mistake you make could mean you ending up on the icy streets, and this is a cold hard reality you have to face daily as you take action every day without guidance.

All the while, society keeps slapping you left and right, adding insult to injury, and using you as inspiration for those who are more fortunate than you. In the few times you are fortunate to be helped by kind people, it is usually with a personal agenda, and as brief as a leaf brushing against your arm in the wind. Then you are left with the all-so-familiar emptiness again. No-one really cares for you. Only you.

"You were never their when I suffered the beatings and unending insults from mama-you bothi were never their,all I wanted was for you two to be together ones again,so we could reunite as a loving family but all I get to do is cry my dreams out to the air and look lovingly at other families"

I always consider myself unlucky and a bad luck to you,an unwanted child from both parents-a mother who's selfish and a father who stopped his duty half way,a loving step mother who turned into a monster over night and a jealous sister who would do anything to get noticed,to seek the attention of the world and become more fame than ever but right on this journey I got loved ones on my side Mami,Halima,Uncle Alee,Saszy,uncle bbj and ya maimuna....I got backs and I'm grateful they were their in every step I take.ALHAMDULILLAH.

"I have a mallam"mum burst out.

"Mallam?,what's that suppose to mean Ummi amma"Saszy asked.

It was on a faithful Friday on the 1st of AUGUST 2015

I was walking into the mall and then a woman was looking for a baby set,she then asked me nicely to help her choose one and so we went ahead gisting until we got a perfect pair of clothes for her sisters twins,we enjoyed each others company a lot and so we decided to have a few drinks before going our separate ways.

"You're beautiful Khadija"she said with a smile.

"You're also beautiful Aseeya"

"But it looks like you're in some kind of a problem,you need help?"

"Ah..uhmnnn no"

"You sure?I can help you"

"How can I trust you?"I asked .

"Cx I can solve all your problems"

"Tell me your story she added"

"I still love my ex husband the father of my two children but I can't leave my husband because he's the kindest man on earth,my ex husband has both of my daughters and I really want one back that's zulaiha,I've been fighting to get her since before we got divorced-to get a full custody of her but the law can't give me that cx I wasn't married again yet so he left with the two,I love them both but I want zulaiha to be at my full custody"

"Why not your other daughter?"she asked with a brow raised.

"I'm done with her"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I told her that her father hated her,almost more like 3times of her life,whenever she did come for holidays I always bribed her with chocolates and a lot more as a child she doesn't know what all that is she taught it was love but I was sure it was gonna affect her,so I told her he said "I love zulaiha more than Amaani,I don't like Amaani"and then we both took sides so I took a promise saying "I'll always love Amaani more than zulaiha,no matter what you say or do,she's also my daughter"that's how I manipulated her and got her emotions up high,cx I wanted them but Amaani was the patient one I know she'll pay for all my dirty works now I want to do the same to zulaiha that's why I don't care about Amani,our bond is inseparable,she loves me to the ends of earth"

"What choice have you left her with?"

"A diary"

"How's that a choice?"Aseeya asked interestingly.

"She has a talent ,I knew cx I used to see her write little notes and so I helped her grew that talent and showed her a way in which to use it,yes I taught her that but I used it,I used her...I was always encouraging her in a way that I buy her a lot of written books,and diary...she began to write things which are far more than her knowledge,but she couldn't put them together to understand-but with the help of dictionary I see my daughter as the queen of words.

Whenever she's hurt she writes it down and express her feelings in poem words,whenever she complains to me about mama-her stepmother I always tell her to write notes on how wicked she thinks her step mother is and she'd it perfectly fine with my help,but she knew it was a bad thing to do but with me she can't resist.

"So you want the same for zulaiha?"

"I want a same thing but in a different way"I answered honestly.

"To get her take out their stepmother so you can take in?"

"No"

"I love my husband mahir mussayif and so AMIN GALADANCHI is not the main subject but making his wife a bad woman in the eyes of my children is exactly what I want to achieve cx I don't want them to be so attached so when my dirty work is done the bloody rich daughters of the billionaire will do the work for me"

"Mahir mussyif is he not the most richest banker in the world?"

"Yes he is,but money is never something to take for granted even when you're rich"

"You're an intelligent woman I must say"

"I have a plan for you, a great one"

"What's that huh?"i asked curiously while sipping my juice.

"I have a mallam he can help you"

"I can't do that,that is shirk isn't it?"

"He's an Islamic mallam he'll give you prayers and a lot more to help have your plan successful"

"Let's meet tomorrow then"we exchanged pleasantries and card then headed our Separate ways like we never met.

^^^^^^^^

"Why are we in a bush?"

"We're heading inside,no questions please"

"you're here I see and you came with her good!"

"We had to bow down in greetings,which I almost not did but was forced to"

"I know all your problems and I'll give you  the solution but only if you obey my instructions it'll work"

His voice alone was scary let alone his clothes which looks like not a clothe and all the paintings in his face.

"We should just go"I said in a low voice"and she gave me a hard glare as an answer which made me quite .

"I need the eyes of a kitchen-the left eye and you have to bath with the urine of dog then cut  me a little hair of  your daughter"

"Okay"Aseeya said and handed him over some cash.

"The work will be done,thank you mallam"

"She said and we headed to the car"

"That's not a mallam Aseeya"

"But he's gonna make your dreams come true"

"I can't do the job"

"Yes you can sweetheart,she said lovingly coming closer and closer to me"while she told the driver to drive us to a hotel,I was long gone.

"By the time I woke up I was naked and we we were in a hotel room,it was so dark"while Aseeya just came out of the shower.

"Hello sweetheart,go have a hot shower"she said lovingly while touching my lips in a passionate way making me groan even more loudly and lovingly-which I found myself loving but yank back her hand immediately"

"You used me"

"Yes welcome to the club babe"

"You're a lesbian?"

"We are"she said with a wide grin.

"This was a mistake all along astagfirullah"I said while putting my clothes on to head back to my husband and daughter"

"You might wanna have a shower first cx you smell sex"I gasped and smelled my body which turned out right,I headed to have a quick shower and headed home.

From then she kept coming to me and she made me forget about my daughters even though I had all information about you-and when Amaani was sick,she always says let them be they have parents who'll tend to them,my husband started to get all worried and when it got out of hand-we talked in the middle of the night-gisting and laughing like couples and whenever she was coming over I rearrange my house and cook different types of dishes just  like a bride who's husband is coming back from a long holiday.  My husband warned me and told me to let that woman be-but she bewitched me,all those items was  meant to bewitched me instead of zuliaha, and I'm grateful now.

"Believe me it's not my fault it just happened over night,I'm truly sorry"mum said and cried so hard choking in her breath.

"Are you okay"Mum's husband said entering the room and heading to his wife's bed.

"I'm fine"she said to him and he sat near hear pulling her,hugging her and making her firm in his hold.

"She also got You Engaged  in the process AMMA"

"What was that?"abba asked with shock hovering him.

"DA you mean she did?"I asked mum's husband who looked at his wife disappointedly but lovingly and I felt my world crashing when I found myself dizzy with each word digesting in my brain while my heart,soul and body collapsed into a world of pitch-black which I never want to wake up from this time.

People think they can feel the pain I felt and the one I'm feeling right now?but how can you be so confident??when you haven't even step into my shoes?when I'm far ahead from the little you've experienced? But You will never feel exactly what another feels. Everyone is an culmination of their experiences which shape their perspectives. Often, your emotions, memory, and senses overlap. You might hear a song and you are brought back to your high school graduation, your first date.

If you have never experienced the loss of a loved one you will not be able to relate. And if you have - let's say the loss of a son vs the loss of a father. What if that loss was expected vs not, or if that loss was a result of neglect on your part. Someone may feel loss and guilt as well as anger. As they feel the loss, one may be instantaneously thinking of memories or situations which may or may not exacerbate pain or relief.

Keep in mind, not everyone is able to put into emotions of how they are feeling. If they cannot do that - how can they then relate this onto you? You will only at best guess perceive what they're going through.

In the end, the closest thing you may feel is some relation to what they might be going through - but again even that is subjective based on what you think the other is really feeling and going through.

In my opinion, empathy to someone is of more help than mere sympathy, as it gives first person narrative of the course of action that led them to move on and stay strong. So in your small attempt, in order to cheer someone up out of a bad phase, empathize to make them feel a little better.

If one was told that a bird can eat one's eyes,when one sees the tiniest of bird,one takes to one heels.

The world is an indescribable experience,you think you're loved but no you got it all wrong,people think you're too quite they take your advantage cx you didn't voice it out,some wants to be friends-they mold you into the person they want cx they don't appreciate you for who you appear to be, the world in general introduce child discrimination having a high level hope and love for one child over the other,for what? Have you think about the pain,the pain we feel?the pain the children feel?why have them into the world if you know you won't be able to equalize on things,this children feel different to other children in some way, or "less than"; can also impact their feeling of belonging or how they see their identity. have lower self-belief or self-worth. feel powerless and frustrated. have reduced aspirations.chasing their dreams away.

And then you make up a book cover by saying "it's the evil doing"I am of the firm opinion that no one is born evil, but because we are all born in an imperfect world, it is inevitable that during our formative years, we will acquire fears that we might not be able to get what we need and want, and fears that we might not be worthy or deserving of love.

It also is that as we enter into adulthood, we are naturally compelled to deny those fears to our self in order to be able to make our way in the world, and the result is what will be responsible for human weaknesses such as greed and pride...!!!, and it is inevitable that we will all end up using deception to some degree.

It is understandable that someone raided in poverty is likely to be afraid of not getting enough of what they need, and it will fuel greed, and that will serve perfectly well to deny to them self that they are afraid of poverty, but still they will remain driven for more as nothing is ever going to be enough. Likewise, someone who did not get the love they needed during their formative years, will not really believe them self to be worthy and deserving of love, and they will overcompensate by acquiring narcissistic traits.

There are many variations of all this, but it all fits in the same pattern, and over time, it has the direct effect of fueling anger, and anger not only has the effect of neutralizing empathy and compassion, but also fear, and it fester inside in the manner that it compels a human being to be driven to want revenge.

What will compel any human being into becoming evil is seldom the things we do that we know are wrong, it is instead of making the mistake of justifying and legitimizing our self at the expense of other people.

As an example on a personal basis, a wife who is not getting the love she needs from her husband, could be driven to have an affair, and to spare herself experiencing any guilt or shame, she makes the mistake of justifying and legitimizing herself at the expense of her husband. But still it is that she committed a betrayal and imagine if it was possible, that everything that she said and did concerning her betrayal, would happen to be secretly completely filmed, and consider that she would be forced to sit with everyone that knows her and who are dear to her, and forced to watch that film, and it becomes understandable, that she could easily be so horribly humiliated and shamed and degraded, that she would be absolutely horrified, and her justification at the expense of her husband would completely fall apart.

It becomes understandable that facing confirmation of absolute worthlessness of love or respect would be absolutely unbearable. It also becomes understandable that the fear of exposure along with the need to hang on to herself as a good person is bound to fuel her anger, and hang on to her justification at the expense of her husband, and she finds herself unable to resist venting her anger at her husband, and if he tries to defend himself, it can reach a degree when she is driven to want him to agree with her that he is no good, and in the yes of other people, she is also driven to destroy him, and she will not suspect in the least that the devil has robbed her of her sanity, and fooled her into doing his dirty work for himself.

And about a husband trapped in such a situation, he needs to understand that she was not insane when he married her, and to justify and legitimize himself at their expense, no matter what she did is dangerous, and that becomes obvious when we understand that anyone who legitimize or justify them self and it is at the expense of someone who lest fortunate or more vulnerable, commits an act of cowardice, and men must see all women as more vulnerable, even if they are not, and under absolutely all circumstances.

So about evil, we all ought to keep the eyes of our mind wide open, and never risk underestimating the devil's ability to fool us, for it will be the mistakes we make that we don't know we are making which are most dangerous, and is it not obviously true that we are oblivious of having made any mistakes no matter what we did if it is justified and legitimized at the expense of somebody else.

After all, is it not true that if someone chooses to lie for the benefit of a very small thing like getting one dollar that belongs and is justified at their expense of some body else, it becomes much too easy from that point on to lie for a far greater personal benefit that will exert an equal personal price from somebody else who is innocent, and that is how it happens that some people end up taking a life for a personal benefit to them self.

It often happens that a human being ends up utterly destroyed, even driven to commit suicide, and no one ever knows what really happened.

Nothing makes the devil happier when he has succeeded at fooling someone into doing his own dirty work for himself, and he got away without anyone noticing that he had anything to do with it all, and that is because his true victim will never be able to take responsibility for their awful mistakes, and that is how he claims a soul.

And the devil is the happiest man on earth cx he got mum dancing to his tune but he's regret is she confessed it all today and the music to his tune is dead!!

******

its lonely scary and loveless...you then turn into an adult and spend your whole life working hard to feel some sort of self worth you do and do and do for almost anybody that gives you a moment of their time hopeing to please them this goes for anybody your parents ,your friends your significant other you bend over backwards to be accepted and loved unconditionally but learn that unconditional love it in fact very rare...having people truely care for you is also very rare....you spend your time tending to others then feel that familair pang of loneliess when you need a mother to hug you look around and no ones there you begin to wonder is there really such a thing as love or is it more a convience thing your loved as long as your useful.

When it comes to forming your own family, relationships, social customs, life questions, you are in an alien world, desperately grasping at alien straws, hoping to learn something about them to build a small, working shelter — while others are helped by their families to build mansions and houses.

Through all this cruelty of life you persist by believing, against all odds, that you have a purpose, that there is meaning in your existence, and that there is someone watching over you and offering you a compassionate guiding hand -ALLAH.

Your heart aches every time life shows you what you've had to or will have to miss out on, and a little bit of your soul dies with every rejection.

That's what it feels like to be an orphan and that's who I am exactly because that's how I feel.

This love is unconditional and maybe its truly only between a parent and its offspring in which case I will never find the love I seek it will forever be conditonal upon things and my usefulness and if thats the case its a sad state and world to grow up in if love is so limited to a parent and its child ....perhaps the world would be a far better place if there were more orphans as I think we turn out to be people with the biggest hearts.