Chapter 34: Chapter 34

ABUJA,NIGERIA 2005

"Hey Little one why the tears?"i said to Amaani while sitting close to her in the garden.

"Abba is so busy,I want to play"She said while pouting.

"C'mon I can play with you"

"No,I want to go to mum,I missed her it's been so long"she said while crying.

"But we have a new momma"

"She's not so nice like Abba"

"I have a plan little one"i said with a smile.

"Mum is coming?"She asked curiously.

"We're going to have to run away tomorrow"

"To mum?"she asked.

"Yes...but it's our little secret okay?"

"Okay.."she said with no further questions.

*******

The sun rise so bright as it was a new day and the night was so short,it was 5:30Am,I was so nervous and ready to get done with this.

"Little one"I said while tapping Amaani slowly.

"It's time to go?"she asked

"Yes,put this on"I gave her some clothes to change into and a sweeter to add a top.

"Are you ready?"I asked.

"Yes"she said with a smile,and I grab our small bag which I pack in some few clothes in It.

Stepping slowly,one step after another we found our selves out of the house and soon we hit the road and far from home.

"I'm so tired"she said.

"We'll get their soon okay?"

"Can't we get a car?"she said with tear in her eyes.

"We don't have money Amaani"

"Where are we heading to then?"

"We're going to the park,so we get a car to go see mum okay?"

"Okay"she answered.

After a long walk she paused and sat on the floor.

"I'm so tired and hungry,my legs ache a lot""she said while crying hard and a man came by passing took her in his arms.

"Where are you heading to?are you lost?do you have an address"

"No where"I answered nervously.

"Then you should go home okay?"the man said in a calm voice giving Amaani a chocolate.

"Okay"I said and he walked us half through the way home.

"Thank you" I said with a sad smile.

"Now we have to go back home little one,no more going to mum"

"But I want to"she cried.

"Well you said you're tired so C'mon let's go sleep before someone sees us here and we get into trouble"

We head back home,changed into our pajama's and lay on our beds,it was a day that was never been said or discussed by any of us,it was our little secret- well buried and deep inside.

"It was on the 14th of March 2005"

I voice out loud enough for everyone to hear,while entering the room And everyone looked up at me,all eyes staring while Mami came in and stood by my side.

"You failed your duty as a husband and a father"Mami said with a sad smile while sitting on a chair.

"Yes Mami"Abba answered with head hung low.

"Control the roof on top of your head and be a man on top of that roof " now you know what that means.

"You were blind for the love you have for your first wife but all along you thought you'd the right choice by jumping into a relationship with a woman who doesn't know the pain of a child birth at that time-you loved her,you were blinded by the love you have for her,you couldn't ask yourself "would her love last long enough for my children?"you forgot at that time it wasn't about you but all along about your daughters...and your darling zulaiha,your darling daughter?A sister to Amaani?who would treat his own blood-sister like that,if not for your family?,you were blind to not see what your daughter was going through,you thought it was growing up that made her move far away from you but you never had the courage to asked "what's wrong my daughter"have you?what was so important with your work,leaving home for 6 or more months without a care in the world what's happening in your house,you have failed my son,you have truly failed me"Mami said while shaking her head side to side in disappointment.

"I'm sorry Mami,please forgive me"

"Don't be sorry,you should be for yourself and ask your daughter for forgiveness"Mami said looking from me to uncle Aleey.

********

ABUJA,NIGERIA 2014

October 20th,2014.

"Have you finally forgiven mum"

"I don't think I can forgive mum"I answered back

Abeeda-Yes you can't or You won't?"Does zuzu knows about all this"

"No,it's better if zuzu doesn't know"

As the scent of ya zuzu sifted in my brain,I suddenly felt afraid,what if she had listened to my conversation,Anger clouded my face.

"What if she had listened to my conversation?"

I hadn't been aware she did listen to my conversation.

"I'll call you back a little later"I said and hung up the call.

"What did mum do? I...what are you hiding?"ya zuzu asked.

"It's nothing really"my face went white and my fingers tremble.has she caught wind of what I was hiding?.should I or should I not tell her,I contemplated.

"You know you can share anything with me,I know you can't get through it alone"she said with all sincerity in her void,first thing first -it's a first-change in a long time.

"It's nothin"

"Are you sure your okay?"she wondered why I looked so terrified.

"I'm fine"tears rolled down while I lied and averted my gaze from zuzu.

"But you're crying?I know we don't get along and mingle but trust me I'm willing to change,you can tell me please,I'm ready to have a sister bond"she said with guilt hovering Over her.

"I'm really sorry for everything ,I truly I'm,I know it's not acceptable-my apology"she added and left the room.

It was the first time it happened,we talked this long In a very long while,something had snapped in zuzu,she looked different but physically she was the same woman I knew but I felt the difference and hope it would still work out between we both.

***********

I finished with a long sigh.

Looked everyone from Abba down to the people in the room one after the other,while everyone looked closely and listened with interest.

"She changed from that day to a better sister,even though I never told her about mum she found out that day and I never knew until today and now,she always said something or try to talk indirectly about it but I never gave heads up"

"Abba you're my father and you've done nothing,I love you,loved and I still love you because It's hard to imagine where I would be and what my life would be like if I don't have you.

Because Mum has never pushed me to be the best I can be and to strive to accomplish anything I want to put my time and effort into. Despite me falling short of those goals often, she was never their to be proud of what I do accomplish.

She has always never been there to support me in whatever I do. She missed all my graduation, a school recital, a school project or any of the many games I played as a child –

It's hard to imagine how much more difficult my life would be with or without my mother as a non constant source of discomfort and advice. Whenever anything goes wrong or right in my life, she's never the first person I call. She is not a voice that provides the balance of discipline and forgiveness,But despite the messes I get myself into, she's never there to help me get out of them, while I always try to straighten myself out so I don't get into them again.

Without YOU-My father Abba, I wouldn't know how to be polite and respectful to everyone I meet. I wouldn't know the importance of appreciating what I have and to be thankful for my family. I would never have learned to appreciate the little things while still striving hard to accomplish big things. I wouldn't know the value of a good book, words and poems I wouldn't have my desire to travel and see all the things I can see, while still remembering where I came from. I wouldn't know the value of hard work, discipline, loyalty and all the qualities that make a good human being.

But most importantly, I wouldn't know what unconditional love looks like. Because he leads by example when it comes to loving his child without question, no matter how difficult I sometimes make it craving for a mother who has no care in the world what or where her child is"I said while crying so hard and Halima rocked me slowly while cleaning my tears with her finger tips .

"I've suffered But trust me it's been the best journey so far,I've build myself and grow up without a mother to celebrate my adulthood by my side,it made me strong all the way,I've learnt a lot of lessons and I can stand for myself in anywhere and in everything,but I think I failed in one thing which is not directing my mother to the right path,it's my duty as a daughter and I failed roughly in that,but you still have a Chance on that bed cx I can't have my dream come to reality"I said with Tears while I giggled softly and mami gave me a go ahead to voice out everything,while mum cried so hard with eyes pleading at me.

"My dreams is something which I've tend to keep secrets all my life well except mami and halima who knows and have been their whenever I break down during the nights having one of those haunted dreams about mum,even though  I've never told them what they're about I'd like to share it with everyone here who's in this room,I've been having them right from age 7 till date but as you're on this hospital bed mum it becomes worst with each passing day,their is no passing night that I wouldn't have this dream for the past one week and till now"

"I first remember that I was walking all alone in what felt like the stillest dead of night. Everything was shadowy and dim, the world perfectly silent, pervaded by an implacable stillness, steeped in a dark and depressing mood of total solitude. Like I was completely alone in the world-- the only living entity that existed. Disconnected entirely from this gloomy world where I had no purpose.

It seemed that I was surrounded by this dormant urban setting where black hazy skyscrapers were looming mysterious, and at the same time I was passing houses in a suburban residential neighborhood. It's hard to say exactly what this place was, but it didn't make sense, in the way that things tend to happen in our dreams. It was all so vague, like all the buildings and houses were just a bunch of ghostly smudges shrouded under this murky, nebulous fog impervious to light. Nothing from this part of the dream can be described with much detail.

It was the omnipresent deadness that stood out most. Stiff, sterile gloom colored every aspect of what I could see. For a long time it seemed I was just wandering aimlessly through the funereal darkness of this dismal no-man's land, and the longer I spent trekking, the more unnerved I felt by the absolute stillness of the world. Hours seemed to pass as I walked through the lifeless cityscape maze, and the night was neverending. Like there was no time or that the night just continued forever. I remember the feeling of loneliness intensified and the darkness seemed to intensify as well until I was just fully absorbed by the shadows. The ambient scenery melted away into inky night blackness.

I don't know how long everything remained blotted out, but eventually these colorful bubbles of bright light started twinkling from somewhere in the distance. Bubbles of light that looked like a widespread cluster of Christmas lights glowing like a magical candy rainbow. I distinctly recall this feeling that the lights radiated this comforting warmth-- a warmth that created this familiar sense of childhood coziness-- and that enchanting feeling drew me toward the lights in an instant.

And next thing I knew, there was this rapid wave of blinding whiteness that flashed in front of me, similar to the flashing of a camera just a few inches away from my eyes. White light was washing over me and I thought I was now driving behind the wheel of a car.

But what I saw left me with mouth agape,I saw mum with tears and a sad smile on her lips,her voice was everywhere talking to me but her lips was not moving and her eyes looked still at me

The voices said

"I feel I should have listened closer

To what you had to say.

I promise to you that I would

If I could have just one more day.

To feel the softness of your hands,

To see that smile upon your face,

Would give me so much happiness within my heart,

If I could have but one more day.

Time seemed to move so slowly.

It felt like I was wishing it away.

Time would not be wasted

If I could have one more day.

I would have been the best of best

And never to had lied to you

One day could not make up for it

But I'd like to in store a new memory in your heart body and soul"

And then I found myself,my voice from above raising high with each word I say,it felt like our hearts where having a deep convo which our mouths has no right to intrude

"Why am I crying?

Why do I feel so alone?

You left me now

To find a far better home.

It's a gentle journey...

A soft breeze on your sail,

To a place where fears and worries

No longer prevail.

Should I be feeling guilty, was there something I didn't do?

Did I not do enough to show all the love I had inside for you?

If you could say three words to me, would they be the one I'd want to hear?

When I knock on heavens door for you will you push me away or hold me near?

There's a million questions that I have inside,

And a million more that keep coming to mind,

Like where are you now and are you free from all your pain?

If someone asked you about me would you even remember my name?

I hope I've never left you disappointed or ever let you down,

That all you've done is smile for me and upon me you've never frowned,

I want you to be proud of me, in the many years how far I've come,

From the smallest to the biggest things that I have ever done.

Even though you were never good to me,you were never like a mother or close to that

I'd never say your name in vain, disrespect you or do you wrong.

So all the questions I have inside, I guess they'll grow to more,

Just promise me you'll be there the day I knock on heavens door"

This dreams haunt me and I feel like I've failed,they come with a different message each time having a different convo but this particular one seem to haunt me more,the convo and everything...but if I could ever give you answers it would surely be what I said in the dream.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT A WOMAN????

A Child without a mother

Ohh so what did the answer came out ??

Ohh never it can be ,

Never, Never can it be !

AFTERALL,

She runs the world,

She cradles her child,

She makes the world so attractive nd bright..

Without her presence in the world

It is like a bird without wings,

That wishes to fly

But cannot even after it's try....

She makes the world so attractive nd bright

From hell to heaven

From harm to calm

From evil to an angel

From dark to light

She is dying nd crying today

For some have hurted her so hard

For some have beaten her to the core

For some have shattered her dreams nd desires

For some have threatened her

And for some have exploited her !

Actually the PILLARS of everyone's WORLD .

The world WITHOUT a WOMAN.... no one can IMAGINE

And that's why no one can imagine how I feel,not even the person who's the cause of the pain-not even you mum,mama,Abba nor mami.

I feel like a child without a mother,just like how the world would be without a woman mum,you denied me of your love and warmth and replaced them with fake ones and lies instead,it's a crying shame mum!