Chapter 28: Chapter 28

Austin*

Whenever I see suicidal death on the TV or the internet I usually mock them calling them insane psychos who can’t deal with the reality of fact so they took the easier way out than to face their problems. Now, now I understand them quite well. Looking at the wide expanse of water beneath me, all I want is to dive deep into it and let go till my lungs can take no more

water. Who would have thought after weeks of a beautiful time with Snoopy, she’ll end up breaking my heart? Ripping it into shreds without a second thought. Saying those words as if I never meant anything to her in the first place. Not giving me the opportunity to defend myself. The more I look at this water, the more tempted I am to dive in taking my last breath. Maybe I should.

A life without Snoopy is not a life at all. Heart break have made me feel poetic. My former self could just laugh at me right now if he can see me. I’m a mess. Not just emotionally, but physically. Feeling like an extra from 'warm bodies', my situation right now looking similar to when the zombie guy felt his heart beat only when Julia was with him. She could only make him feel warm, just like my Snoopy. I sound pathetic. Twice she told me she hates me, she looks me in the eye and said those heart wrenching words meaning it.

“Thanks for coming.” I muse. No answer. Letting a ragged breath out I squat to sit beside her. She didn’t take her eyes off the water just looking probably thinking why the hell is she here with me right now.

“My dad died in a car accident with me in it and it was all because of me. I can never forget that incident because when I close my eyes I get to relive it all over again. The best sleep I’ve had in the last two years was the one you slept beside me. So peaceful, so calm, no dreams, no nightmares.” She kept looking at the still water.

“We were late for my game and I was scared I was going to miss it. Little did I know it’s better to be late than to be late. He didn’t see the big tanker from the other end when he took a swift turn, we crashed into the moving car. My dad died at the spot. As a boy I could only cry for him to wake up when his eyes stare lifeless at me. I fainted due me hemorrhaging from a cut at the back of my head. Doctors said I was lucky to survive thanks to the people who rushed me to the hospital.” My eyes close for a second as I open myself to her, not mom or the shrink I went to that period. I told Snoopy what I have told no one. The truth.

“After recovery things felt different for me, I changed and couldn’t help it. I felt I could fight my demons by engaging in those things. Every day I hate myself when I look at mom’s sad face or Gwen when she cries for her daddy. I long wait for the day they will blame me but it never came. Despite it all, they love me unconditionally which I do not deserve. Party every night, drinking and what not became my solace. Worst came when I couldn’t concentrate in school anymore. I started failing, my grades dropping and I became the angry kid. That was until you came into the picture.” I smile. She helped me in ways I could never repay her kindness.

“I did visit your friend every day at the hospital till he got discharged.” She exhales. “I also apologized to Bailey for ruining her party. I know how I acted was wrong so I did the next right thing by apologizing to everyone involved.” She turns looking at me. At least that got a reaction from her.

“I also know you never want to talk to me again or see me but I’m glad you gave me the chance to also right my wrong to you. I hurt you and us. I ruined the best right thing that have happened to me in a long time for as long as I can remember. I let my anger and jealousy get the better part of me. So many times I wanted to talk to you about my fears, I guess it’s too late now. Lawrence and Kim approach me on different occasion telling me how perfect you are for me and I don’t deserve you, I kept it in hoping I can be the one for you, that I can prove them wrong. At the party, I saw the guys were staring at you like a piece of meat all I wanted to do was beat them up for thinking such things about a pure soul like yours.” Crossing a leg over the other her gaze never did shift from me.

“This was my dad and mine's favorite spot before he died in the car crash. There was no weekend we do not come here. For two years today is the first time coming here and not alone. I did a lot of soulful thinking enough to accept my mistakes. Where ever he maybe I know he won’t be proud of me. Ever since he died I became someone I’m not proud of either and I hate myself for it because that just cost me you. I’m sorry about that.”

“I knew I freaked you out recently so I left, I wanted to go clear my head, ridding myself of the anger and jealousy instead of to meet up my teammates like you thought. I didn't want you to see me as an angry kid because I love the image you have of me and didn't want to ruin it. Coming back, I saw you laughing with Lawrence looking happy and MFEO shit you know, instantly the anger I placated returned and I knew one wrong move will cost me you so I left for the restroom. On getting there, I met Kim who was also coming out of the female restroom.” I briefly meet her eyes. “Believe me Snoopy I tried to walk past her each time she blocks me taunting me. I defended you because I didn’t want her to think my love for you is weak. I told her I’ll not love her like I do you. I told her there’s not a place in my heart you haven’t filled up. I swear on my father’s grave, I thought she finally got the picture pushing her aside only to feel her pull me back forcing herself on me.” I pause breathing deep. “I hate to admit that yes I thought she was you so I kissed her back out of a drunken haze.”

“Snoopy, you can hate me all you want, I won’t stop you but please believe me, I’ll never hurt you. I love you that much to give you that respect. I didn’t kiss Kim first, she forced herself on me when you caught us. I only accept my mistake which i'll forever hate myself for.” finally getting it off my chest.

“I’m sorry you felt I cheated on you...just know that my love for you is not shallow Snoopy. It never was nor will ever be. Never forget that.” I stood up ready to leave and grateful for the audience she gave me. We may not be how we were but I know telling her the truth is what she deserves.

“Don’t go.” soft voice stops me. “Stay.” She motions for me to sit tapping the space close to her. Silently I did sitting beside her as silence engulf us.

“Do you really hate me Snoopy?” I needed to ask. Those words broke me each time she said it.

Slowly she turns facing me. “I’ve loved you all through the start of high school in secret, not having the courage to let you know and finally when I could say it to your face this happened to us.” eyes now fixated ahead tucking her locks behind her ears. I tried not to let those words get to me, but it did. She’s about to say it for the third time.

“Angry, yes. Hate you...No Austin, I don’t hate you. I can never hate you even if I tried.” She turns to me smiling cheekily. The first smile she has given me in the past seven days. It felt like I submerge my flaming self into the depths of the ocean, finally getting to cool off. My hands covered my face, I close my eyes sniffing choking on a sob about to tear up letting my head fall back.

“You wound me Snoopy.” I groan out. My eyes wet with tears, pulling her closer in a tight hug. I wrap my arms around her inhaling her sweet scent. Oh how much I’ve missed this. “You wound me really bad Snoopy.” I hear her beautiful giggles. Words cannot describe how I’m feeling right now.

“What will I do without you?” I say. Holding her tight against me.

“Nothing, absolutely nothing Austin. Love me, that’s all I ask.” Smiling I squeeze her tighter emanating more beautiful giggles from her placing chaste kisses on her hair. I chuckle.

God I love this girl.