Chapter 26: Chapter 26

This week have been such a blur for me. I can’t recall when last I smile or laugh or had something remotely close to fun. The only thing I know I excelled at was avoiding Austin like a damn virus. It’s as if the happiness all disappeared after that dreadful night. I can’t get the picture of Austin punching Lawrence out of my head. Is that what they call jealously that prompted him to act like a caveman? Is this how it will always be for us? He getting physical on anyone that comes remotely close to me. Is this what I want? An aggressive boy with type A anger issues. I’m a dying seventeen-year-old with mid-life crises not even up to my mid age. Why did he have to mess up the plan? It was something I didn’t foresee ahead.

Confess to him about my crush on him, tell him the long awaited answer, have that magical episode I read in books and live happily ever after. No, he had to be selfish, always thinking about himself. I’ll never forgive him for what he did to me. To us.

It’s so simple, if he wants Kimberly who am I to stop the mighty Austin. It will surely hurt a lot but nothing beats the fact I caught him kissing her. I hate him so much. They were all right and I was stupid in love, blind to the inscriptions boldly written in front of me. Every time he tries to talk to me all I see is him kissing Kimberly. She must be proud of her result. I hate myself for loving him. Tears roll down my eyes to my pillow. I want to hurt him for hurting me. For him to feel the pains I'm feeling right now. ‘Listen to him, listen to him.’ His plea echo in my head. When I was ready to do that he shut me out and now he wants me to listen to him.

I dry my face not ready for another migraine. He has approached me on several occasions and each time I refuse his audience. Let me guess, he’s sorry. For what exactly.

Kissing Kimberly.

Hospitalizing Lawrence.

Hurting me.

Shutting my mind and heart off the broken face he held when I walk pass him in school, when his eyes meet mine, when I see him by his window begging for me or when he bangs the door hoping to draw me out. It took a strong will not to fall for it. How many times can a person wrong you and you forgive them? How many times can the one who claims to move mountain for you hurt you and you forgive them? One way or another this friendship was bound to fail. It just had to be the worst way ever. My phone pinged, another message from Bailey.

“Babe, he’s losing it. Please just talk to him.” it read.

How she gets to forgive him is appalling after ruining her party and still vouch for him is what I can’t get.

“He asked for your number again.” Another pop up.

Funny how I realize we never exchange number for the weeks we got together. We were so consumed by our daily activities to put in mind we don’t have that sort of communication. The fun times, the cocky and annoying times but still yet I loved him that way. My heart accepted him without a fault. I myself didn’t see a need for it. We were always together, in school or at home without giving ourselves the space to feel alone. Pulled by unexplainable feelings hitting us wherever we go. I wanted to be the 'it girl' for him. Loving him unconditionally even to my last breath. Sometimes things doesn't work out the way it's laid down for you even when you desire it or work for it. You just have to accept the good for the good and the bad for the bad, moving on with life.

Then why do I find it difficult to move on especially when his words keep haunting my thoughts, digging out free at a fast pace from the depths I buried it in. Why does it hurt more than I expected it to? His promises of love I held onto which became my doom.

‘Every day with you is always magical. I never want to be apart from you Snoopy.’

Lies. All lies. Fresh tears pool my eyes recalling when he said that to me. Here we are, a week apart with me hating him more each day for what he did. Did I pressure him into thinking I was desperate for his attention that it disgust him? Was I not good enough to make a loyal guy out of him? Too plain, too simple to keep him captivated. Or maybe I was a foreign feeling he couldn't decipher at first and when he did, he got bored of me. Because I can't see the reason why he kissed Kim after less than twenty-four hours he professed an undying love to me?

Being with Austin was confusing most times which I endured by looking over for the sake of my heart yet I thought that confusion died after the beach party, it didn't. He love who he was more than whom I thought he is. It's high time I draw the fine line and let everything return as they were before I ruined it. Kim was right, I ruin things. If I never opened my mouth to say those words to Austin, he will still be who he was. Captain of the quarterback, the bad boy flirt and I'll be Me. The valedictorian who secretly crushed on him. Inhaling deeply, I turn to my side facing his window an important question probing my mind.

Can I forgive Austin for what he did to me? And even if I can, do I want to forgive him?