Chapter 11: Chapter 11
Laying on my bed that night listening to Julia Michael’s Heaven I kept thinking about Austin. Does he not want to experience love? To have someone outside family to show him the beauty of a love story? To kiss him when he feels the world is carving up on him, hold him when the feels the down. Maybe I was wrong to assume a boy like him will want to settle for one girl, let alone a girl like me. Giving her his love and attention. Was I too selfish to assume that? To think I can be that girl for him. His words kept playing over and over again that I have so many fairytale fantasy and I read much books that messed up my head. “Grow up Snoopy. Fairytales doesn’t exist anymore.” Those words pierce deep into my heart but I talk myself out into bawling my eyes out in front of him or running away like my mind screamed for me to do.
I turn to my side facing my window, well ours, seeing his light off. I guess he’s out again for the night doing lord knows what at the parties he attends. I inhale softly snuggling into my pillow. So it’s true that bad boys don’t love anyone? Isn’t that selfish of them to string girls along when their only Intentions are to use and dump them as they seem fitting. I think Julia Michaels had an experience with her own bad boy for her to write such a perfect song that defines them so explicably. The only question disturbing my mind is that, did she fall hard for him and he broke her heart like Adele or she did fall so hard that she lost herself in him. I shiver at that. Nope that’s just a whole definition of bad and crazy. What if she wrote this song after finding out he fell for her as much as she fell for him and use the song to express herself because at that point she felt heaven being with him. Yeah, that’s a plausible
explanation.
I sigh rolling back on my back, my hands clasped together on my stomach. Why do good girls fall for bad boys? What if it’s the sense of danger that make them fall hard and dive deeply into the relationship? Take a look at Joker and Harley Quinn, he made her fall for her only to throw her heart away. Harley needs to also sing a song, probably an ‘I’m never coming back to you’ theme song. I’m pretty sure she will trend. At least Anna and Christian have a perfect ending, she knew she could not run away from him even if she tried. Her best bet was to help him grow a heart and ended up loving his dominant side along with him.
I groan. Why am I even comparing all these characters with Austin who is a real life case? I don’t know when or how I developed my crush for him. Maybe it’s the way he smirk running his fingers through his hair, the rare moment I catch him smiling, or the beautiful look he gives when looking at things or people.
But he’s right, he don’t believe or give that type of love I want. The earlier I kill this stupid crush I have for him, the better for me because I don’t need my heart broken by the quarterback. Mom always tells me that you only give what you have and not what you don’t have. And Austin does not have a heart to love or is able to give love in return. I’ll just be playing on deep waters that I know I’ll surely drown and he’ll watch me without trying at least to help save me. I won’t be one of those girls that he will never think twice about. Its best I keep my feelings in check and remind my heart that our best chance should be a tumor breaking our heart than a popular jock who doesn’t give two thought about his tutor.
I sit up picking the cover rolling it over me with a sigh, reaching my bed side lamp I turn off the light illuminating my room lying down again. As my eyes slowly close in sleep, I knew that gone was the crush I had for Austin. All for the safety of my heart.