Chapter 22: Chapter 22

CHAPTER 21

CAELUM

Aeon was still angry at me ever since I have thrown him out of the Autahvuwns manor. I do not want to do that to him but I am so overwhelmed of what had happen – with Rubin leaving us and Aeon being flustered about the arrow and the prophecy.

It seems that kicking Aeon out is better than me lashing out on him; I do not want to lose my best mate. He is the closest thing to a family I have ever got and I can’t succumb to my true nature. The vein on my forehead pulsed and I am seconds away from materializing back to the Manor with Rubin on my arms. The man who made the call to the hospital promised me that the ambulance is on its way but I couldn’t help myself as I worried about what will happen in the next hour.

I tightened my hold on Rubin as though someone will take her away, wishing that I can just vanish away with her and escape these inquisitive stares.

Desperately, I pushed on her chest wound, trying to stop the bleeding only to be shocked – the wound has disappeared – as though nothing happened. Looking up to her face, I vaguely hoped for her to be awake, to laughed at me and say that all of this was just a joke, a prank – but she laid in my arms – still cold and unresponsive.

The sound of sirens from afar halted my thoughts as I searched for the source. The thin crowd parted as the medical team made their way to us, carrying a stretcher, “Move, please.”

“Let us check her, sir,” I watch as the man checked her pulse and pumped her chest, frowning. “We need to move her,” The man said, offering his hands so he can take Rubin but I held unto her tightly, carrying her on my arms, laying her down at the stretcher. We moved her inside the ambulance, my hand holding hers as we go inside.

“Sir,” I was surprised when one of the medical crew pulled at my arm, “Are you her family, a friend?” I paused, not knowing the answer to the question. Frowning, I just nodded, unable to string words into a sentence. They opened the doors to the ambulance and I settled next to her, reaching for her hand.

The doors closed with a thud. Tears came before I could stop them, boiling hot then instantly falling on the sides off my face and what was the point of wiping them off or pretend I wasn’t crying? I am so worried, I do not know what to do. So, I let the tears fall, holding unto her as I listen to the engine starting and we are off. I pressed my lips together; my jaw hurts for the effort of clenching them so much for the pass hour. I tighten my hold on her hand, trying to provide her some warmth or rather, trying to provide myself some comfort that she is still alive, somehow.

The concern I felt seems to drain me as I looked down at my bracelet , realizing how much beats I lost. I would have to try and find some victim after she is well.

The thoughts of her getting well seems to evade me as I noticed how pale she has become, “Please, hurry.” My voice rang out clearly as I speak at the intercom, my cheeks crusted with dry tears, “Please, please. She’s getting worse.” The worry in my voice is apparent as I bow down, anxious of what might happen to her.

It felt like a lifetime has passed when they open the doors and pulled the stretcher out and I followed them, silently, like a shadow would. Tears prickled my eyes, shortening my breath as I tried to catch up with them. I look down on my wrist and see the two beats pulsing, I am almost drained. The doors leading inside the emergency room swings as we entered, a nurse halting me.

“I’m sorry but inside is off limits. You shall stay out and wait.

“But, Rubin--”

“She’ll be okay. You don’t have to worry about anything. We will take care of her.” I tighten my fist inside my pocket and nodded, giving them a defeated look. I decided to head out, as my fist started shaking.

The sky is a beautiful shade of orange, fading to a dull purple and softest pink. I couldn’t decide which color appears better nor did it provide comfort to my anxious soul. With no care in the world, I sit down on the untrimmed glass, the blades sticking in my jeans did not made me itch for I am so numb – I couldn’t complain about it.

The darkness was quickly overwhelmed with light, the midnight blue sky that covered the horizon turning pale as most of the late stars twinkled through. I stayed seated, unmoving with no emotions etched on my face. I feel numb and devoid of feelings.

“Sir,” a shaky voice rang out and with my senses dimmed, I barely heard it, “Monsieur.”

“What is it?” I asked, irritation seeping fast in my veins, “What do you want?” I turned my head at the nurse, and she straightenrd up averting her eyes down on the grass, “We need some basic information about the girl – we cannot access her medical record without it, so...”

“How is she?” I tried to hide my emotion but my voice sounded hoarse and wrong. I cleared my throat and stand, blinking furiously at the fluorescent light that has blinded me. “Tell me, how is she doing?”

“She is fine. We have administered to her the proper medications that she needs. Her wound and heart is finally stable. She can go home the day after tomorrow if she keeps to this status.” The nurse smiled but I did not paid her any attention as I marched inside the hospital, pulling curtains away from beds, searching for that particular red head.

“Sir.”

“How rude!” an old woman exclaimed as she glared at me from her bed and I scowled in reply, continuing with my search as I chose not to pay attention with the amount of negative response I am receiving from the patients. Reaching the last bed that is empty of Rubin, I turned back at the nurse, who is quivering like a leaf as she stands by the door, “Where is she? Where did you take her?”

“Room C34!” The nurse blurted out, her face flushed, “She’s in a recovery room. Third floor, room c34.” not waiting for a retort, I headed for the lift and cursed as the elevator missed my floor, going up. Grinding my teeth, I rushed off to the stairs, taking two steps at a time all the while shaking with anxiety for worry that Rubin might have been in more danger than they wanted me to know.

Blasted humans.

Looking at the labels of the room, I shot off the busy hallways, having no decency to apologize to a couple I have pushed and to a child who tumbled down on her bottom as I passed her by. With my heart on my throat, I paused and looked at the room assignments, stopping in front of C34. I wrung my hands and took a deep breath before I turned the knob.

The door creeks, I peek inside to see two beds occupied – one with a blond boy who is wrestling with his mum, refusing to take the medications and the other bed is where the pale ginger I have grown to be fond of, lies.

The mother of the boy looks at me as I entered the room, temporarily forgetting about her child who is pouting, his lips jutting out in protest of what his mother is trying to make him do.

Fighting the urge to roll my eyes to this petty humans, I rushed next to where Rubin sleeps, my hands shaking as I take hers, “Rubin?”

“Are you ‘er family?” I merely nodded at the question thrown by the curious human, my eyes trained on Rubin’s face, “Zhe doctor check on ‘er after zey settle ‘er in zis room. Zey ask me to pass on zhe message that there izz relatively nothin’ wrong with ‘er. She izz alright but you’d have to wait for ‘er to wake up.” The mother concluded, before she turns back to the petulant child who have resigned down on his bed, covering his face as to feebly avoid the medication heading on his way. “Tom!”

“I zon’t want zhat, mother. It izz bitter.”

Casting them a weary glance, I focused my attention back to Rubin who lay asleep, her chest rising up and down in a steady rhythm. It might have been ten minutes or an hour, I am not quite sure but the stupid nurse from a while ago has followed me in, demanding information about Rubin’s identity and a citizenship and whatnots. With an exasperated sigh, I took the crumpled paper and tucked it underneath the takeout boxes of the other patient, nodding at the nurse as she went outside the door.

Right after, I decided that Rubin and I staying here in the hospital will risk our identity. I can’t afford for that to happen which is why I carefully plan out my next move; the first step is for me to take the form and pretend to fill it out for the sake of the curious woman who is watching me from the other bed. While doing so, I called Newman, asking him to prepare Autahvuwns manor for our return.

The woman from the neighboring bed cast me a suspicious look as I finished filling in the form, tucking it carefully by the table and grabbing Rubin’s hand, singing a light enchantment to make the mother and her son, fall asleep.

I listened, waiting for them to calm down and smiled as I hear their steady breath, proceeding with the second step of my plan. I tucked a ginger hair behind her ear, watching as it bounces back, stubbornly. I took a couple of quid and enclosed it in the form I have pretended to answer, smirking as I lift Rubin from the bed. I took her near the window, letting the early morning sun grace her face before I flicked my hand.

The hospital room dissolves, morphing to that of the front porch. Hoisting her up on my arms, I nodded at Newman as he held the door open for us, “You know what to do.” Newman nodded his head and I thanked him, heading up to her bedroom, all of my thoughts preoccupied by my desire of tucking her in and watching her sleep until she opens her eyes. Newman followed us, putting a distance of a couple of feet away, his face void of emotions but his eyes lingering at Rubin. I waved my hand in front at her door, unlocking it before Newman turns the knob to reveal a sunlit room.

Holding her tight, I marched inside the room with Rubin resting her head on my shoulder, her steady breath the only assurance that she was still alive and fighting. As soon as I laid her down on the bed, I let out a breath that I haven’t known I was holding. The gentle sound of door being pulled close made me sighed as I took her hand and settled next to her.

“Come back. Come back to me, please.” I whispered, my hand enclosing hers, my head pressed to hers. The sun has long risen but Newman has pulled the blinds, pushing the light out and I stayed there, whispering to her as the day quickly passed. It was like my world revolves around her and I couldn’t function without having her by my side.

Soon, dusk has settled, a dark purple haze before the night follows afte. My throat was sore and my voice hoarse as I whispered for the nth time, “Wake up. Open your eyes, Rubin, for everything is alright and I am here, I won’t leave you.”

I let out a sob and cringed as my voice breaks, “Please. I didn’t mean to do that to you. It's all my fault, I shouldn’t have hurt you in the first place and let you go without even explaining.” I bowed my head and kissed her fingers, looking up at her peaceful face. “It was wrong for me to assume that you are alright – that you do not care for everything that concerns me, concerns you to. I do regret keeping things for you and for that, I am really sorry.” I sobbed harder, brushing my hands on her face, “You must have suffered, look at how thin you have become.”

I caressed her bandaged wrist, tracing my hands down to her bandaged ankle – the dark shadows on her eyes, her slightly gaunt face and her place complexion did nothing to comfort me off my guilt. She looks underfed; her form showing someone who have battled with problems she alone cannot handle, emotions she cannot understand – all because she was involved with me.

‘Will suffer the same fate. For those you love will suffer...’Gaea’s voice echoed in my head as I stared at Rubin and I sniffled, gritting my teeth.

“When we were at the park yesterday evening, I have my suspicions, that you will suffer because of me. This is a punishment for me.” I massaged my eyebrows and tried to bite back a sob, failing at it. The night has dawned and the room is much darker than it should be. Impatiently brushing away the tears on my eyes, I waved my hand at the chandelier and wield some fire for the candle stubs. The warm yellow glow did nothing to comfort me as it usually would. I was reduced to staring at the girl who is unaware of all the emotions I am pouring out – a thousand years' worth of tears that I tried to suppress just because I have promised not to show emotion – to live like a shell of a person that I am now.

My body shakes vigorously with each sob I let out, “I should’ve stopped it. This won’t happen if I talked to you about my feelings. I should’ve confessed, but I chose otherwise.” I pulled at my hair, wishing that the pain I felt on my scalp would suffice the guilt that is gnawing inside my gut, consuming me from inside out. I stand from the bed and paced round the room, my eyes drifting back and forth from her and to the window, as though I am expecting someone. Or rather something.

Once I’ve gone tired of my pacing, I resumed to my seat next to her, my hands gripping hers tightly, with no doubt that as soon as she would wake up, she won’t feel her fingers. “What should I do, Rubin? I forced Aeon out of here with no explanation as to why I did that. I’ve been really stupid for the past few days. I should allow you to punish me with angry kicks – maybe you can even call Aeon and I’ll let the both of you hit me,” I looked up, hoping that my pathetic attempt of making a joke will rise her from the bed – delighted and well for having the chance to hurt me, returning half of the pain I have inflicted on her ever since she have arrived here on earth and have the misfortune of laying her eyes on me.

Giving up hope, I decided to spend the night looking at her and wishing that she will open her eyes. The shivering satchel caught my attention as a paper flew out. Frowning, I snatched the shaking paper and read it,

Mon reve,

I have come to a conclusion that I have to stop myself from looking for you. It has been a year of your absence in my dreams. I do not know how that happens in the first place and until now I keep on wondering – is it because you have promised to meet me here on earth? But then, where can I find you? Will that ever happen? I hope so.

I snorted at how desperate I sound in the past, hoping to meet someone I have met from a dream. I ended up waiting for half a century again after that, and I bet, that has done it. She took her sweet time and I am a very impatient person. I run my hands on my hair and continue down the letter.

Expect that there will be no more letters after this one for I have promised to devote myself instead at the field of forgotten – in honor of your memory. I do hope that someday, when the sun stubbornly pierces my eyelids through the gloomy London sky, and the rain slowly falls, the flowers will finally bloom as they welcome you back. I will be stand there, watching you as you revel at the beauty of the field while I drink in the sight of you.

- your half

“Yet, I have not followed what I promised. I ruined it all.” I sighed and stared at her as she lay peacefully on the bed. Truthfully, half of my stay here on earth was spent looking out for her, exploring places and spying on little girls – hoping for one particular ginger that will soon end up as her. I caressed her cheeks, smiling bitterly because all I want to do is kick myself in the past for being so stupid as to not notice that it was her – the girl in my dreams. I wanted to return back to the very first moment we met.

I should’ve treat her better.

It took a pain in my chest to make me realize that it was her all along; of all the years I have dreamt and saw her face – waking up in the middle of the night, sweaty and confused, pulling my hair out as I tried to make sense of the visions about her; shedding tears for the only woman I felt connected to, though, not knowing how we come to be linked together. I have spent years trying to track down whom that face belongs to and drowning myself in misery for being a petty excuse for a god who succumbs to pleasuring myself to hide my scars yet all of it ended up in vain for I cannot find her.

I bit my lip and slide down on the floor, emptying the contents of the satchel, not caring about how she have attained the letters. It was probably Aeon who gave it to her in the first place. With such curiosity I have never known I possessed before, I seize the papers, treating them in my eagerness with a little to no consideration, knowing that some of these letters are dear to my heart and have provided me comfort during my darkest times.

Mon reve,

I do not know how to express to you the happiness I feel. The first sincere emotion I have ever felt since that tragic night happen is hearing you say ‘I love you’ I felt like melting; like I have turned into a puddle overnight and now I ‘m just a pile of mushy bone and flesh – happy and elated.

I cringed at my words. How can I sound so lovesick and stupid? This is very unlike me. I can feel my cheeks heating up, and I steal a glance, a bit worried that Rubin can see my expression. I hide my face beneath the letter and continue.

How I long to hear it again for real. Will you say it as brave as you did last night or will you whisper it in my ear as I show you the proper loving you deserve? My hands tremble as I write this letter to you – should I show my stacks of letter once you’re here? I doubt you would like my audacity of my speaking here and I have a strong feeling that you will laugh at me as you should, every time you like to embarrass me in front of all those people. But how should I know? You are not here. Though, be that as it may, I do not forbid you to do that, in fact, I love hearing the sound of your laugh.

I sighed at the letter, refusing to finish it as I snatched another one, looking for that one particular letter that has kept me on my feet and provided me the hope, even though it is hard to hold on to something that has no means of proving to be a fact.

Mon reve,

The kiss we’ve shared felt so real, I have to remind myself that it was all a dream. The feeling alone frightens me- is five hundred years of searching for you finally drove me crazy? If it did, I hope Aeon will still accept me as his friend.

I winced at that, remembering the way I have treated Aeon. Will he forgive me if I apologize? I bowed my head down and continued reading the letter, trying not to dwell of my capabilities of being an idiot.

The kiss happens so unexpectedly, so swift and sweet and it left me yearning for more. I am loving you so hard it terrifies me – what happens when I finally stop with this search? What happens when I get tired of it and leave you there – buried in my dreams? I always had everything I needed but I assure that I have never wanted anything so much as to hold you in my arms tight, in every moment of everyday. But the doubts keep on poisoning my mind. I hate to think that you are not true. But with all the doubts I have, the feel of your lips on mine have changed my perception. It was like you are proving to me that you are real and that, I have to search for you. I have never felt a kiss so filled with love before and it seems like I have experienced it in my past, too.

I frowned. So, I felt it before, the connection...but why did I not dwell on it farther? Why did I choose to ignore it? Desperate of the answer to my question, I glared down at the letter as though daring for it to give me some clue only to tear my eyes away, staring at her finger.

Did she just moved?

I have seen it and I am quite sure that she did move.

After a minute of staring at her hand and waiting for her to stir once again, I resumed my reading, feeling my anxiety seeping out of my veins as tiredness swoop down and prey on my weak defenses. Debating against falling asleep, I crouched back to my position on the floor, furiously blinking my eyes as to stop myself from dozing off while I continue reading,

I hope I can ask you to meet me in the near future for my questions have changed from ‘How do I love you?’ to that ‘How will I ever stop myself from loving you?’. It’s a question that’s been running in my head the moment I have opened my eyes and began my letter. I am loving you with my whole existence that I worry what will happen to me once I stop, it frightens me to think that I am going to destroy myself because of you – that something horrible will happen once all of this erupts and blow on my face. I shiver to think of the outcome. Yet, your kiss...it anchors me on earth and act like a calming balm to my impatient heart. I love you and I am guilty that this letter is the only way I can show my love because I do not know any other way of loving but this – writing to you, as though you can hear me – like I am talking to you, face to face, flesh to flesh, with your eyes drawing me in closer...

-your half

I neatly folded the letter, pondering about how I sounded so desperate – so hopeful of something that is so uncertain; something that might not come to be true at all. But that desperation did not last, eventually, I got tired of waiting and decided that searching for her is just a waste of time. I devoted my time and effort luring humans into fake relationships, ruining their perception of love, destroying their trust, breaking their hearts, spreading ambiguity against feelings and making myself so rich I can’t even find the need to work for another millennia.

Pins and needles attacked my legs, making me shift and stand from the floor. I gathered the shivering letters and stuffed them inside her satchel, a bit disgruntled and disappointed because try as I might to distract my thoughts away from her, I couldn’t. It was such a lost cause. I settled back on the bed, grudgingly resuming my earlier lament of wishing for her to wake up when she suddenly bolt upright.

My voice died down in my throat as I stared at her, my jaw slack.

An arrow appeared on her hand and by the sight of it, I shifted, drawing my hands away from her and putting some distance between her and me while I watched her, breathing in and out – looking as though someone or something has been chasing her for the past hour.

With a cautious stance, I took her hand on mine and she gaspef, drawing her hand back. She stared at me with her eyes full of doubt before she launches herself at my chest, tackling me back with her weak legs trembling under her, snuggling so close as she whispered, “You are here. You are real, oh! You are here...” her tears stained my shirt but I couldn’t care less.

At least, she’s alive and breathing in my arms.

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