Chapter 53: Chapter 53

Lagos, Nigeria

December, 2018

Pamela

I sat at the edge of our bed confused. Last night I told Chris I will be leaving to Ibadan with the kids for a while but I didn't want to be that woman that left her home and her man.

How do I explain it to my mum?

Truly I needed to fight for my home a little more but how?

Why is it so hard in African societies for women? He cheated yet if I left our marital home I become the woman who couldn't fight or hold on to her man.

Why do I have to do better to keep him home?

Chris did not come home last night! A little part of me was worried for him.

I still love him! No matter what had happened of recent I loved him, and it was because I did that it hurt so much. No amount of explanation can explain what he did, at least not with Nina.

was he with her right now?

If I leave will he even notice?

Am I ready to break apart my home?

What could I have done better?

What do I do better if I stay?

How can i ever trust him again?

These questions plagued me over and over.

The insecurities that plague your partner when you cheat is truly hard.

I lies back down on our matrimonial bed my hand splayed on my tummy.

Pregnant again!

There is a life growing in me again, of all times to be expecting. I don't even know what I felt toward this baby.

Are we supposed to be excited as an expectant couple, Especially since he had another kid on the way.

Does he even love me?

Saying you love someone and actually loving them are two different things. Love means different things to different people. So maybe before we fall in love lets ask them what love means to them.

Is his love hurtful or possessive? What does it matter right now anyway?

He supposedly loved me and still cheated on me.

With each stroke of my finger on my belly, I replayed the events of the last few days.

We had sex in France! Well what happens in France stays in France because not even that can mend our relationship.

*******

February, 2019

Days rolled by into months and each passing one that followed kept me in Lagos but did nothing to mend the guilt between us. I started spending more and more time at the hospital, mostly away from him when I found out that somehow get became available. It was almost like he was working from home and didn't want to go out one day and not meet me here.

I took the advantage of his availability to spend extra time with Shola and learn a thing or two about Surgery. If he noticed the change in me, he didn't bring it up and made huge efforts to always cheer me up and bring me out of my shell.

I pushed in the door to our home at 6pm after a long day at the clinic. He was home and playing with the twins at the dining table, their joy and laughter was so beautiful I took a little time to stare and appreciate it.

I knew when he lifted his head to meet mine, because it was the same time I looked away. Not before I saw the look in his eyes;

He looked at me like I was beautiful, like I was his. Every time he looked at me like that I hated it, because it wasn't true. He isn't mine the same way I refuse to be his.

The twins ran to hug me and I did the same in returns asking the usual questions of how they were and their day.

Apparently they made lasagna with papa and couldn't wait for me to try it.

Dinner was our usual family affair of fake family bonding time, the show we put on for the kids.

Preparing for bed was another thing entirely.

He looked like he had something to say to me but didn't know how to bring it up, and I wasn't even in Tue mood to listen either so it was a win_win situation.

I exfoliated my face while he lied on his back occasionally pressing his phone and looking at me.

I decided to break the Ice first, " I was invited to a party tomorrow, will you watch over the kids or I should leave them at your parents?"

"Tomorrow? "He asked looking sad.

"Yes"

"I thought it will just be me and you tomorrow and we will have some time to ourselves." The sad expression remained.

"Why will you think that?" I asked perplexed.

He just shrugged in reply.

"We have been spending so much time apart, I thought we could work on our marriage since its a Saturday.

"What is there to work out" keeping a blank expression on.

"Our marriage will clock four years next month you know?"

Four years!

"There is nothing major to celebrate anyway and I promised Shola I'll come already. "shrugging my shoulder like the fact that this is who we are now become didn't hurt like hell.

I saw his nose flare up at the mention of Shola and a part of me was waiting for him to complain about him so that I can shut down his Hypocrisy.

"Temitope I am trying na, please meet me halfway or at least somewhere you keep avoiding me. How are we supposed to fix our marriage this way.

I miss us badly. When last did we talk, we keep drifting apart.

Can we at least do something tomorrow just us two?" He asked gently.

"Okay" Getting up to wash the mask off my face.

Chris was still looking at me strangely when I got back if I did not know better I'll say he wanted sex, but he can't be so he better keep his hooded looks to himself.

I slid into the sheets on my side of the bed while he stared at me. He had actually been trying ever since we got back from Daniels surgery in France.

He tried to spend more time with me and the kids, plus he kept trying to open conversations with me.

"Do you have anything special you want to do tomorrow? Or anywhere you want us to go?" He asked lying on his side to face me.

"No. We could just go to the party together" Typing away on my phone.

He sank his teeth into his bottom lip in disappointment and in a bid to control himself.

"Goodnight my love. I know it doesn't feel like it to you right now but I love you and I adore you, I will keep trying to make you trust and love me again"

Staying was all I could do right now, but no more. So I couldn't even feign enthusiasm at his love profession.

I felt his lips on my forehead and didn't try to respond or return the gesture.

He was probably used to the cold shoulder by now so he put off the light at the bedside lamp beside him.

******

After shopping all day with the card he gave me which I mostly never used, making sure to put a dent in it and receiving deliveries after deliveries. I got ready for the evening ahead.

I bought a dress with matching accessories earlier.

The gown was fiery red, ankle length with off shoulder sleeves and a flared skirt. It accentuated evey shape and turn of my body. The body was adorned with little pearls and the flare below the knee was so full and heavy. The gown made me feel regal almost like a Queen.

My face was lightly beat and the make up made my eyes pop out looking larger than normal.

Black heels with diamond studs and a matching bracelet adorned the outfit.

He was standing at the bottom of the stairs when I came down, a familiar memory was triggered.

Me and him attending Nina's party in Lagos as our first major outing.

I was also putting on red that day and he was standing at the bottom of the stairs. He was talking to the twins so did not notice mg descent at first.

Only thing missing was Tolu being our hype woman and my eagerness to go into his arms as was the case in the former.

Chris looked up from his discussion with the twins  and stared at me.

He had that look again the one that sucked me into his shit in the first place. I rolled my eyes in contempt refusing to believe that he loves me as the look indicated.

We stared at each other for a while until Daniel broke the tension

"Ouch Mama" He cried out.

I hurriedly went to him bending to his level and feeling his temperature, searching him for anything that could possibly be wrong.

Using the almost no length difference he kissed my cheek "Fine mama" my boy said smiling.

My cheeks was on fire and I was genuinely happy, smiling so brightly.

"Thanks buddy" kissing his cheeks and ruffling his hair.

Tishe; Chris cousin sister was here and was to take care of them till we got back.

She was in the kitchen at the moment, but soon walked in.

"Showstopper! Slay mama aiye! Giddem baby, hidden" she hailed picking my hand and turning me around to see the finished look  herself.

"You look beautiful sister mi" she praised.

Okay someone to hype me is also available.

"Thanks dear" smiling at her.

Chris kept quiet through it all refusing to comment.

We said our goodbyes and he led me to the waiting car. Two guards were out front, they both sat in front while we sat behind.

Why we needed guards to a party was still a mystery to me.

Chris and I sat tensely in the back seat, his entire demeanor was tense and closed off as he stole glances at me. I on the other hand stared wordlessly outside the window into the streets of Lagos.

Thirty minutes later and we arrived at the hall where the event was to take place. One of the guard opened the door and I made to get out when his hands held me back.

His touch burnt sending an all too familiar thrill inside me. I turned to look at him with a cold stare and he dropper his hand saying nothing.

We walked into the hall his hand on my waist which he had placed there to stake ownership and not even the annoying look I threw him could deter him.

The night was sheer rigour as socialising was a bore. He refused to let me out of his presence and the entire event was weird.

The tight lipped stormy look he was carrying on his face deterred people from moving towards us.

The highlight of the event was when Shola and Chris met.

Shola walked up to us a while after we got in "Hello dear" Smiling broadly.

I moved forward to hug him and he kissed me lightly on my cheek.

"You look stunning"

"So do you dear. Congrats to the bride and groom, she sure looks like you"

The just married couple was throwing a simple but elegant dinner. Shola came from class to and the environment I was in was proof.

He stretched his hand out to greet Chris and his greeting wasn't returned.

Chris stared at the outstretched palm refusing to shake it. "Stay away from my wife" he said instead.

Shola smiled his playboy smile "Allow her choose" he said in return.

Chris frown deepened. While Shola walked away.

That wasn't embarrassing at all.

"What exactly is your problem." I asked fuming.

"Did you see the way he looked at you?" He asked.

"No I did not. All I saw was the way you looked at him. He is my colleague at work must you embarrass me so?"

"I hate the fact that you can smile easily at him but not at me. Is this karma or is this your way of punishing me for Nina because I can't take it" he whispered slowly.

"Hypocritical much?" I asked.

"Let's just go home before you make a scene."

I wasn't ready to go but who was I deceiving I was not having a good time anyway. Standing in front of the car, I waited while he conversed with the guards for a while.

He returned and opened the front door for me while getting into the passenger seat himself.

The drive home was slow and terrible.

"Did you make an effort to look so good for him?" He asked

"When is your baby mama due?" I retorted.

Two can play!

Chris pulled up abruptly beside the road, and for once since we began to pull apart I felt pity for him "Just tell me what you want me to do and how you want me to fix it, please Temitope stop trying to score points out of this. I beg you"

I kept mute staring straight ahead.

"Nina is 7 months gone."

"Congrats. May she deliver in health"

"Thank you" he whispered knowing fully well how sarcastic the statement was.

A few minutes later he added "Will you ever forgive me?

" I don't know. If I didn't love you so much your betrayal wouldn't have hurt as much" tears filling my eyes this time.

"I know. "

"If I ever want to leave. Will you just let me go" turning to look at him as raw as I could ever get.

"No."

He was so selfish. Yet I loved this stubborn man.

"How do I stop loving you. Teach me how to Ayomide, because you stopped  if not how can you love me and hurt me so. Tell me Ayomide because this pain is so much" Tears rolling down this time.

"I don't know" hanging his head down in shame.

******

Question_ Do nowadays African men actually feel real remorse for cheating on their wife's. Because they all claim to love their wife yet they can't stop.

It hurts me for Ayo too sha. Especially knowing that the person you love so much is hurting because of you.

I was not really feeling this