Chapter 14: Chapter 14

: DON’T FEEL, DON’T REMEMBER.

OCTOBER, 2018

PAMELA

"Let’s go for marriage counselling" my husband of barely three and a half years said. I continued silently moisturizing my hair and detangling lightly with my finger. He was sitting at the edge of our matrimonial bed, his hands resting casually on his thighs as he bit his lower lips. He always did that when he was emotional; angry, sad, playful, or aroused."This silence is killing me and you know it". He was looking at me like I was breaking him. I wondered where he got the guts to do that. To look at me like I was the one breaking him after impregnating Nina.

Turning my head to look at him, all I wanted to do was to break free from this pain haze. It was clouding my vision, my mind, drowning my sanity. Yet a part of me knew it was the only way to not break into tiny pieces. So I disconnected from it all, from the reality that we were broken and hid in my shell where it was all perfect. If I dare feel, I’m scared I'll go insane.

I’m a coward simply put.

"Are you not supposed to be at work? You haven't gone to work two days in a row" I answered like we were just another happy couple who cared for each others daily activities. This was a welcome distraction; I'll take anything to live in denial.

"Don't change the topic, Pamela" he replied tensely. Chris began to tap his feet lightly maybe as a sign of restlessness or perhaps guilt.

Oh so we are at Pamela and Christopher now hmm hubby?

"I have nothing to say. I’m blank." As I spoke, I continued the hair routine I knew by heart. Get a portion of hair, spray the contents of my spray bottle down to the roots, massage oil in, finish sealing with my whipped shea butter then two-strand the section and put away.

A familiar memory broke through my mental barriers of another place and time- of him, moisturizing my hair gently, softly finger detangling and muttering "I love your hair, its your halo. I love the way it shadows you. I love running my hands through the soft tresses"

"Don’t feel, don't remember, don't break or there will be no pieces to pick up" my subconscious reminded me. A soft reminder that if I let myself feel the amount of emotions beneath this cold exterior take control, I'll break.

Chris walked out silently. On getting to the door he said, "Keeping things bottled eats you up inside and if you think I’m not going to fight for you, for our kids, our family, you are mistaken".

The nerve of that bastard. I am trying so hard to remember a single thing that was true. He lied from the very beginning, right before I married him.

"Dont feel, don't remember, don't break or there will be no pieces to pick up" my subconscious kept chanting.

**********

"Good afternoon, sir" I whispered into the phone pressed between my shoulder and chin as I shredded pieces of boneless chicken in a bowl. My father-in-law was calling, why? I don't know.

"Ah mama twins, bawonio (how is everything)" he said thickly, in a voice that sounded much like his son’s.

"Fine sir" I replied puzzled by the reason for the call. I wasn't feeling very filial at the moment.

"Toh that's good, thank God. You and your husband should come and see me by weekend." He finished with a note of finality. It wasn't a request; it was an order.

" Have you told him sir?" I didn't mean to be rude but we all know putting this father and son together wasn't always a good idea.

"Yes I have. He asked me to call you. Something about you not replying if he calls?" The fact that he was sounding this way may mean he had no idea he was expecting another grandchild.

I decided to play along "Alright then, sir. How is your health? Did you take the drugs I prescribed? I hope you went for that physiotherapy session I booked" I asked instead.

He gave a slight chuckle then said, "Yes ma, I did. Come and check on my health yourself during the weekend"

"Alright then, odabo (goodbye) sir". A small genuine smile played on my lips, even though Chris and his father weren't good pals. His dad has always been good to me.

After ending the call, I wondered ifboth set of parents knew yet. I couldn't dare imagine my father's disappointment. It will hurt him beyond measure to see his daughter hurting this way. I picked up my keys to go and pick up the only present source of my joy; My kids.

*****

"Ella don’t run, you'll fall" I chided gently but like the carefree butterfly she was, she ran, ignoring my warning as quick as her chubby legs could carry her. "Maami" she called as she ran.

I opened my arms wide to recieve my babies and hugged them tight. Daniel gave me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Here with my babies, there was no pain or pretense, just intense love.

"Did you eat your food?" I asked them both, collecting their school bags and opening the car door.

"Yeshh" Ella answered, slurring the word gently.

"No" Daniel answered. His answer worried me so I crouched to his level immediately and checked for what was wrong.

"Daniel what's wrong? Are you sick? Did anyone beat you up?" I asked worriedly with a frown on my face. Although Daniel has a stronger personality, my boy could eat up a storm like me. His quiet brooding personality was from his father’s though.

"Indeed dear" I could see my mind eye giving me the evil smirk.

He refused to answer, he just got in the car and allowed himself to be buckled in and looked straight out of the window.

"Maami chocolate" Ella whined.

"Not today Ella" I replied, throwing Daniel another worried gaze. I read somewhere in a medical journal that children could perceive if something was wrong. Was that the reason he was moody the past few days? Why he didn’t have much of an appetite?

"Maamipleeeassshhhh" Ella begged, using those puppy eyes on me. Her father’s eyes.

"When we go to grandpa's place, he'll get it for you OK?" I told her gently. "OK" she smiled happily. Grandpa and paapi were her two favourite persons.

Looking at my son through the rearview, I found him sulking. Damn! This boy had a mean temper and an adult personality. Was he moody because I left those two days?

"Danny, what do you want?" I asked smiling at him.

"Coke" he said simply.

"Alright".

"Mama" Ella wined loudly, eyes filling up with tears so fast. "Not fair, mama." She looked at me like I was a traitor.

"Is too" Daniel replied proudly

"No" anger lacing her words.

"Yes" he said, smiling evilly.

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

I parked the car, not bothering to break up their silly banter because it was cute. I got one coke and one ice cream, drank half of the coke and gave it to Dan and gave Ella hers. She stuck her tongue out signifying that hers was full, while his was half.

He just smiled which ended up pissing her off even more.

"Mama lick” she said passing her ice cream to me. I smiled knowing Daniel played one on her and it worked. This two won't kill me, so I quickly took a large scoop and continued driving. The real joy was watching her hand a scoop to Daniel. It eased my aching heart, knowing that at least this bond couldn't be broken or taken away from me.

********

I served them lunch after a shower and change of clothes. It was beans and fried plantain.

"Daniel, stop picking out the onions" I warned. He just made a face like onion was gross and put it in his sisters plate. His sister was happily pushing all the beans aside. Jeez they were picky eaters just like their father.

"Their father, their lying father” I thought with pain shooting through my entire chest region.

"Don’t feel, don't remember, don't break or there will be no pieces to pick up"

I just breathed in, taking large breaths.

"Mama" Daniel looked at me, worried.

"Yes baby" a large smile adorning my lips.

"Dodo (fried plantain)". He wanted more. He had cleaned his plate and was now picking from his sister’s plate who didn't mind. I added more to his plate and heard a knock on the door. He ran to go and open it.

"Go and eat your food, my friend" pulling him back by his shirt.

I opened the door. It was Ekene, our gate man. "Ekene what is it?" He scartched his beard and shuffled from foot to foot. "Should I serve you beans and plantain?" I offered, thinking he was hungry.

"Ehn yes madam." Smiling shyly, "but that's not why I'm here, it is one old woman and... and..." He stammered.

"Madam it is..." He stammered on

"Just go and let them in and come have lunch" I replied and made to walk back in.

"Ehm madam... I..." He tried to offer some protest which was quickly drowned by a loud scream coming from the dining room.

There was blood everywhere. Daniel had a large cut on his head and arm "Jesus Christ!" I shouted and made to grab the first aid kit while ignoring the knocks at the door.

Coming back down from the master’s bathroom where I rushed to get the first aid kit, I saw my visitors and the cause of Ekene's stammer. Two women. The older and younger version: Mother and daughter.

Shock held me at a stand still first, then I moved, remembering my son. I cleaned the wound as best I could but I heard him wheezing. His breaths kept coming in shorter pants so I decided to take him to the hospital.

Ignoring the two people in my sitting room, I drove out to the hospital.

Two hours later, he was admitted. He had a large bruise on the back of his head were he fell, turns out that Ella pushed him from his stool on the kitchen island which caused him to hit his head and injure his arm. I sat out there in the waiting room as they stitched his hand and iced his head, putting him under observation.

The wheezing was caused by dodo that got stuck in his throat. Thank God. I was so scared and so was Ella. Her cute, big, brown eyes were filled with fear and tears.

Christopher ran in. "What happened? Where were you for God’s sake hmmm? Where is my son? I can't believe you will let this thing between us make you negligent towards our kids" he said, anger and fear lacing his words.

He stopped when he realized what he had just said, remorse and self-reproach filling him "I’m sorry Temi"

Tears were in my eyes now. He didn't just say that to me, when I just left his pregnant mistress and her mother in my house. "You did not just say that to me" I lashed out, my voice calm.

"Paapi, mama" Ella cried. She sounded scared of what was happening before her. She had never experienced a fight between us. Realization hit us, as we looked in her direction.

"Ella" I said

"Temi" he said.

"Temitope don't feel, don't remember, don't break or there will be no more pieces to pick up"

*******