Chapter 8: Chapter 8

That was true; I did not make any clamour at home. More than ten years had passed since my marriage, but I had not argued with Ravi, not even a single time. It has always seemed useless to create a melodrama at home and make your situation worse for the person who did not bother you. Ravi was not my thing; I had come to know about it long back, so what was the benefit of shedding tears for that sort of chap and making your life more complicated.

Ravi had imposed some severe restrictions on me, and I did not remember those restrictions being violated by me at any point. He did not like it at all. I paid a visit to his office randomly without his knowledge. Likewise, he was very particular about it; I did not poke my nose into his office affairs as the other ladies did.

Other than that, he did not like it that I made him a call to inquire about where he was and when he would come back from the office. Again, I could not fiddle with his papers either; I narrowly avoided Ravi and his crowd as much as possible.

Ravi was thoroughly aware of it. I was a party sort of person. I loved attending the party, but at the same time, I did not prefer to go along with Ravi until it was essential. I did not feel comfortable when he was around me, and I became extra conscious. Besides, his parties were usually very formal. There, people talked about nothing but bullshit business all the time. And I kept sitting next to Ravi quietly, waiting for the party to wind up. And the worst thing was that I had to wear a face mask with a smile on my face to show that I enjoyed the party.

He often disappeared like a ghost somewhere in the middle of the party without bothering to intimate me. After some time approaching, he would leave me and eventually turn up before the party was to wind up. It was not that I was clueless about what he was doing behind me. I was well aware of where he went and with whom in the middle of the party, but I preferred to stay quiet. Ravi also knew that I would overlook his misadventures because they did not affect me because of my insecurity.

Yes, I chose to keep calm and ignore his misadventures just because I did not love him, and so, it did not make any difference to me what he did in his life until it affected me. I conceded the nastiest truth of my life: I stayed with him just for the money, comfort, and influence on my life. But yes, for the public, every time I had to pretend to be innocent and clueless. He turned up before me when more than half of the guests left for home. And the worst thing was, I could not dare to check or inquire about where the hell he was all the time.

I always used to think my daughters were too small to get anything nasty. But my notion proved wrong about them. They were growing up and had understood everything, even the complicated relationship that their parents were sharing, but they were sensible enough. They knew that their father was an infidel to their mother. They understood that they should not let their papa see that they had caught him red-handed making love with another woman alone, which was sinful and unfair to their mother.

One day, they came to me while the party was going on and hugged me tightly. I felt my sari had gotten wet with their tears. I was just astonished at seeing their reaction. Their sudden hugging made me feel from the inside that they were my kids, and they had come to know something wrong about their father, which they should not know.

Their hesitation and babbling while speaking to me about their father confirmed my doubts. That day, they did not leave me for a moment after that. And I was feeling miserable. We came back from there without having food. I had the signal that I could not continue with Ravi further. What happened that day should not have happened.

Thereupon, both my daughters began to distance themselves from their father. It was their way of protesting their father's misdeeds on my behalf. That was the other thing that they did not have my approval to do anything like that. In fact, I was not happy at all with their measures. And I always discouraged them from doing anything like that. But my small and feeble daughters were adamant.

I had no access to his mobile, wallet, personal documents, or any other unique things, and if I found some objectionable object, I had to pretend I was still unaware. And it became my untold responsibility to hide that kind of stuff from others, especially his kids, if I had to stay at his home in peace. Like lipstick marks on his shirt, two tickets for a movie, a hotel room ticket, and so. But that day, everything came out before my daughters.

It was not that I did not sob and suck in the beginning. My heart used to cry a lot about the unfairness which was inflicted on me. It took me some time, but then I made myself understand that my tears could not bring Ravi back to me. After that, gradually, it ceased to hurt me. My heart got it; he was not my man, and there was no point in draining yourself emotionally and going into depression. I did not want to deceive myself that I ever loved him.

I could ignore the fact that I was staying with him because he provided me with a luxurious life, a name, fame, and a position. I was well aware that it would cost me a lot if I dared to raise my voice against his wrongdoing. And he would take no time to throw me out of his house. He was efficient enough to send me to a mental asylum or to bring me on the street. Besides, I figured out nicely that there would be nobody to support me in trouble.

Several times, it was suggested to me that I get out of a strained marriage by a few friends. But every time I ignored their advice because I knew him very well, he was a hard nut to crack. He would not give me even a single penny in the name of divorce. On the contrary, he would manoeuvre things so that I would be the one who would be proved wrong, and I would have to be stripped of everything. I was in a dilemma about what I would do and how I would manage everything.

I was at the exact moment fed up with playing the role of a goody-goody and caring mother to my kids. Frankly speaking, I was desperate to protect myself from that tedious job, which I had to execute to fool Ravi and his children. I was trying to give them the false impression that the house could not run smoothly without me. And I was indispensable to my kids. And that morning's morning episode gave me hope that I did not need to act anymore, especially before the domestic staff.

It was not that my heart did not curse me for my mean act. I was well aware I would not get peace and happiness in my life because I was using them for my benefit and playing with their emotions to serve my bullshit purpose. Several times, I used to think that I was equally guilty. And so, I had no right to blame Ravi. I could not muster the courage to stand against Ravi's because I feared losing comfort.

At the same time, that was also not my teacup to beg Ravi to love me. I could not fool myself that my husband would begin to love me or value me if I worshiped God. I knew if I had stayed in his life just because of my two kids, then it would mean that there was nothing between us that could boost the marriage.

In fact, the fact was that there had been nothing between us from the day before. In the beginning, I definitely tried my best to correct everything between us and improve our relationship. I thought it might mean the marriage had been imposed on him as it had been imposed on me. Because of that, it would take some time for him to open up to me.

Before long, I got the sense that all the effort to improve things between us was futile, and it was creating things messier and messier. And I was not one among them who chased after that thing which did not belong to me, unlike my mother and mother-in-law.

But there was one good thing between us. No matter how terrible things were between us, we did not let anyone take advantage of our differences. Ravi's best thing was rigorous to that point, and he did not stay quiet or let anyone intrude into our relationship.

That confused all the relatives in terms of our relationship. His mother also avoided uttering anything in our connection. She certainly had a hint of our odd equation. However, she did not broach that topic with any of us because she was not confirmed in any sense.

I always paid more attention to the children because I feared that he would take me out of his house and life if he got any hint that my kids did not love me or I did not take care of them. And so, I did not leave them with anyone. I used to do every small and big thing independently, despite having so many staff at home. At the same time, it was equally true that those things were not being done out of love. I wanted to give a false impression to Ravi and my kids; I loved them, and nobody could replace me in their lives.

Ravi equally knew very well that my claim was nothing but full of lies. I just pretended to be a good mother before him and others. But he used to find himself helpless to be harsh on me because of his two adorable daughters. He was aware that both kids loved me immensely, and I was playing with their emotions, nothing else. In the process of pleasing my kids, many times I get exhausted.

I could not cherish the idea that they could even spend a single day without me. After all, they were trump cards for me to stay in Ravi's house. It was not that they did not love Ravi, He was, after all, their caring father, but they loved me more than anything he did.

And I was a bloody bitch, taking advantage of their pure love and enjoying a comfortable life. Several times, I used to feel awful about my mean actions. But after what they saw at the party, they despised their father thoroughly. They considered me the victim of their father's atrocities. I knew I had none in the name of a relative who could support me against Ravi. So, I was left with no other alternative than to overlook his wrongdoing and stay at home and lead a comfortable life.

I always used to justify my actions by saying that Ravi had at least several good qualities, and I must appreciate those qualities rather than cribbing and leading a miserable life. I often compared him with my father and found him a hundred percent better person who loved his daughters and did not raise a hand against his wife. Besides, what misdeed he did, he did it outside the home.