Chapter 46: Chapter 46

I can tell Flora is judging me by the way she's looking at me with her brown eyes.

She’s different from the last time I saw her at the wedding. She cut her hair short, shoulder length, and she just seems to be glowing, happy. Even right now, when she's not smiling. She already told me she's not pregnant, so she's just genuinely happy. I guess that's what marriage is supposed to be about.

I sigh. "Go ahead." She takes a deep breath and then lets it out, and I roll my eyes at her. "You're so dramatic."

She ignores my comment. "I just—can't believe you did that. After he told you he loves you—I—"

"In my defense, he didn't tell his family about us."

"Did you want him to?"

I lean back on my chair at her question and frown. "Maybe not but that's not the point."

"Listen, I’m not defending him because, yeah that was a douche-y move, but you shouldn't have done what you did. You shouldn't have broken up with him."

I look down at my food because I know she's right. I've spent the last two weeks thinking about what happened and regretting what I said to him, locked in my room with nothing to do but think.

I miss him. I miss him terribly.

He's barely home now. I always stay up late at night and don't fall asleep until I hear him return. I feel horrible for doing what I did. I'm just glad Flora is back so I could get out of that room for a moment so I can talk to someone.

"I know." I look at her and lean across the table. We are having brunch at our favorite restaurant. I'm glad there's not a lot of people around us. "I don't know. It was just everything. Meeting his family...his brother warned me to not hurt him..." I look down. "And then the baby."

"I guess you were right to break up with him on that, with you not wanting the baby and all..." Flora says softly.

I bite my lip but don't say anything.

“Ciara," she says, and I look up. "You don't want the baby, right?"

I sigh. "I thought I didn't and then I found myself alone except I wasn't alone—" I placed my hand on my stomach. "He was with me. He made me feel better."

Flora's frown turns, slowly, into a smile. "Oh my God. You want the baby."

"It's kind of hard not to, considering he is inside of me and all," I admit, thinking about how a month ago, I didn't care that this baby was growing inside me. I still didn't want him. But things changed. This baby is all I've had for the past weeks. I guess I kind of bonded with him. I've learned to like it when he kicks and sometimes, I talk to him or play music to him. I never thought I would end up feeling attached to the baby. The thought of things not getting better between Evans and me terrifies me. Not just because I miss him, but also because I know that I’m expected to hand this baby over to him the moment he is born. That seemed like an easy thing to do up until a few weeks ago. Now, I don't think I can just hand over this baby. This was not part of the plan.

"I can't believe it," Flora says, staring at me.

I roll my eyes at her. "How do you think I feel?" I play with the straw wrapper as I talk. "Why didn't I want him a month ago? When everything was right between Evans and me? How am I even supposed to give away my baby?" I think back and wonder how I was ever okay with this. It seemed like the right way to go when my dad was in the hospital. I can't ignore the amount of money Evans paid. This is just so complicated and it's all my fault.

Flora reaches over and grabs my hand. "Do you love him, Ciara? Do you love Evans?"

"I know that I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone, and I know that he is all I think about."

"So, say it, you have to admit it to yourself first."

"I love him," I say, sounding like a robot

Flora  frowns. "Say it with a feeling. That does not sound like a woman in love."

I sigh, amused by my best friend. "I love him," I say softly.

She smiles. "Much better."

I frown. "How does that fix things?"

"You now want the same things he does. It fixes everything!" she says throwing her hands in the air.

"And what am I supposed to do now? Tell him I'm sorry I was an idiot? Tell him I do want this baby after all? Tell him it took all of this drama for me to realize that I love him?"

"Yes!"

"It's not that easy," I say thinking about how I barely see him anymore. About how he rarely looks at me or even talks to me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to hear anything from me, at least not right now. "And I've never been good with words."

Flora sighs. "Listen, Ciara, if you don't get over your little fears, you're going to lose him. Is that what you want?"

"Of course not." I say crossing my arms on my chest so they are resting on top of my stomach.

"Then do something about it."

"What do I do? But him roses? Write him a letter?"

She shrugs. "At least that would be doing something."

I look down at my plate. I barely ate anything, and I reached out for the fork knowing I have to eat for the baby. It feels like my whole life has changed now. I feel guilty for not wanting him before. How could I not want my own baby? I want to give him so much attention, so much love to somehow make up all of those months I didn't even think about him. I don't want him to ever know I didn't want him. My heart saddens at the thought of him ever finding out about how he was just a way to make money for me. I know he would hate me if he ever found out. I know I'm not a good person, but I don't want him to ever know that.