Chapter 44: Chapter 44

"I don't think you love me as much as you say you do," I tell him.

His stare suddenly turns cold and I can tell he's angry. "You don't know anything."

"You're right. I don't," I say matching his tone.

He clenches his jaw. "If I didn't say anything, it was because of you. I know you are not sure about this and it kills me to know it."

"That's why we need to stop. I don't want to be the reason you get hurt again, Evans. There's just all this pressure I’m under by being with you. I don't want to hurt you."

He chuckles sarcastically. "You think I'm some fragile flower?"

"I know you are." I shake my head. "Why are you trying to hide it? You're going to deny you never had your doubts about me? You said it yourself!"

He glares at me. "You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to fall stupidly for you? No. You have no idea how many times I tried to ignore this feeling. You have no idea of the times I've woken up in the middle of the night with all of these thoughts in my head. Thoughts of you leaving me. Thoughts of me ending up as the fool once again. You're proving those thoughts right and we're not even in a relationship yet." He shakes his head. "This isn't easy, Ciara, especially when I know you don't feel the same way I feel about you."

His blue eyes are darker than usual, and he looks desperate. What he said is right: we're not even in a relationship yet and look at us, already having doubts and fights.

I shake my head. "I don't want to do this, Evans. I'm sorry. I can't be responsible for your feelings. I can't guarantee that I'm never going to hurt you or that my feelings are not going to go away. On top of it all—" I look at him. "I can't be the mother of your child. I don't want to be a mom right now. Not like this. I'm sorry."

He clenches his jaw, then nods once. "Okay. I understand. Thank you for your honesty." He turns around. "Goodnight, Ciara." I watch as he walks into his room and shuts the door.

I stand there, feeling miserable and evil at the same time.

I wish my feelings for him were as clear as his are for me, but they're not and I can't do anything about that. I've never been in love. How am I even supposed to know if I'm in love with him? Murphy was right. I should stay away from him if I'm not sure about my feelings. Evans has already been through enough and after everything he's done for me, it wouldn't be fair to him. I also wish I wanted the same things he wants.

I wish I wanted this baby. A baby in the middle just makes things harder. If I decide in the future that I no longer want to be with him, I wouldn't just be leaving him, I would be leaving a baby, too. He's about to be a father, and the thought of being a mother scares the hell out of me. I’m not ready.

This is the right thing to do. This is the right thing to do.

I force myself to walk to my room. It suddenly feels cold and abandoned. I feel cold and abandoned. I get under the covers, not even having the energy to change clothes. I can't bring myself to regret everything I told him. I was being honest. Evans and I just met at the wrong time. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust another woman and I don't want to be a mom. We shouldn't waste each other's time.

I go to sleep that night thinking about how things would have been different if we would have met under normal circumstances.

* * *

I don't see Evans at all for the whole weekend, partly because I don’t come out of my room, and partly because he works the entire time. I have no idea how I am to face him or what he might say to me. It’s only a few days later, and I’m already regretting saying all those things to him. I just think that if we're going to break up, then it would be better if it happens before the baby came.

On Monday, I wake up at eight and get in the shower. We have a doctor's appointment at ten and although we're not talking, when I walk out of my room at 9:30, he’s waiting in the living room for me.

"Ready?" he asks, not meeting my gaze.

"Yes." I say, but it comes out as a whisper.

He opens the door for me, and I walk out then follow him to the elevator. We don't say a single word on our way to the doctor. It feels like a break-up. In a way I guess it is a break-up, even if we didn't make our relationship official.

"Hello," the doctor greets us when she takes us in. "How are you today?"

"Good, thank you," I answer when I realize she's looking at me.

"That's good to hear. Hop on," she says, tapping on the bed while she sits down on a chair right next to it, the ultrasound computer in front of her.

Despite everything, Evans helps me get on the bed. It's harder and harder every time I come here. "Pull up your blouse for me," the doctor says as she puts on her gloves. I pull my shirt up, exposing my naked skin. "How have you been feeling?" the doctor asks as she squeezes the gel onto my stomach. It’s cold. "Is the baby giving you any trouble?"

I appreciate her efforts, but I wish she would shut up. "Okay and no," I answer.

I think she senses my annoyance because she looks at Evans. "Ready to know the gender?"

"Yes," Evans says softly.

She places the transducer on my stomach and begins to move it around. Like always, I look away, not wanting to see anything.

"Healthy baby," she comments after a moment. "Oh! It's a boy. Congratulations, Mr. Leonard."

"Thank you."

From the corner of my eye, I can see Evans smiling. I stare at the wall as the doctor tells Evans again that the baby is healthy and tells me that I should start walking for at least 30 minutes a day, so birth isn't as hard. Well at least I'm going to have something to keep me busy for the next couple of months.

"Do you need anything?" Evans asks when we get back to the condo.

I shake my head, not looking at him. "No, thank you."

"Okay," I hear him say, then I hear the door close. I turn around and realize he left.

I walk to my room, feeling angry and sad at the same time. I know I'm alone, but I still lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the closed toilet, and I begin to cry.

What am I doing? What the hell have I done?

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know how long I cry for, but I come to a moment when I just sit there in silence, feeling like the loneliest person in the world...and then I realize that I'm not alone.

For the first time since I got pregnant, I place my hand on my stomach and lay it there. It feels weird. Like it's not part of my body. Except it is and there is a tiny little boy growing in there.

I find myself smiling.

A boy.

It's a boy.