Chapter 17: Chapter 17
I force my eyes to stay open for the hundredth time tonight; they’re burning and I’m so tired—all I want to do is sleep. 2:24 a.m. I don't have a choice. With two finals next week, I need to study.
I sigh, straightening on the chair and staring at the computer. At least these are my last two finals, then graduation—this is all too crazy. A sound coming from the living room makes me jump until I realize it's Evan unlocking the door. I quickly shut off my lamp and crawl into bed. I don't know why; probably because I know I shouldn't be forcing myself to study like this and I think he'll get mad if he sees me awake this late.
Not that I'm complaining. I rest my head on the pillow and fall asleep almost immediately…
The throbbing makes my eyes snap wide open. There’s an excruciating pain on my lower abdomen and I scream as I wrap my arms around my stomach.
This isn't normal. This isn't normal.
This can’t be what I think it means, but the pain doesn’t pass. I pull off the blankets and go into shock when I see blood between my legs staining the formerly-pristine, white bed sheets. I don't even realize I'm screaming until Evan runs into the room.
"Ciara!" He’s standing by the doorway, scanning over me. I watch as fear overwhelms his face. "Oh, god. No." Evan gasps, running a hand through his hair; he’s on the phone in no time but I let my head fall back as I cry.
"I'm...so...sorry!" I try to apologize.
Evan doesn't say anything. Instead, he scoops me up in his arms—then we’re walking. I can't see through my blurred vision, but I know we’re outside when the fresh air hits my skin. Then I’m lying on a bed—in the ambulance—and I can't stop crying. Maybe this is all a horrible nightmare. This can't be happening.
Evan must feel horrible right now—I can’t shake my guilt, my sadness. No wonder I can't stop crying.
They must sedate me because my body relaxes, then my eyes close involuntarily
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I don’t know how long I listen to the beeping noise before opening my eyes. Everything’s blurry and the sun shining through the window burns my eyes. I blink a few times, clearing my vision, and I look around the room for a moment, confused.Evan sits next to my bed, resting his elbows on his knees with his head down.
Everything comes back to me. Last night—it wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t a horrible nightmare. Oh my god. My hand moves to my stomach.
Evan’s head snaps up, a dreaded look in his eyes. "Ciara. Thank god you’re awake.”
“Evan" I whisper, my voice raspy, “what happened? I—”
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t your fault—you have nothing to worry about.”
“What?” I ask, my voice breaking. “You don’t mean…I lost the baby?”
“The chances of success were low anyway.” He looks away. “We should’ve been more prepared.”
“But how?”
My brain works at a thousand miles an hour, trying to remember every little thing I’ve done for the past few weeks that could’ve been potentially dangerous for the baby.
“It just happens, Ciara” He turns to look at me again. “You took a pill—you probably don’t remember because they had to sedate you. I’m so sorry for putting you through this.”
A pill. The pill took away the baby inside me.
I shake my head. “Evan, no. I’m sorry—I really did try,” I murmur, beginning to cry. “I’m so sorry… I tried to keep the baby safe. I’m so sorry.”
He stands and places his hands on my shoulders. “This wasn’t your fault,” he repeats. “Please stop crying.”
I can't. There’s sickness and fear and sadness, but mostly, there’s guilt. There’s this huge burden on my chest. Evan keeps telling me it's fine, it wasn't my fault, but it's not fine. I can see it all over his face—he’s not okay. I know the chances of the baby surviving were low, but I still feel responsible for what happened; I can't stop crying so Evan calls the nurse to sedate me again.
For once, I'm thankful for it.