Chapter 22: Chapter 22

The last time Reverend Grace looked at her car and how it was covered in a film of red dust, she prayed the rains to come soon. However, she did not remember that those that prayed for rain must first make adequate preparation for the thunderstorm. There she was, on her steely armchair, praying for rain when her house had no roof. The wind that blew in the convent had left a bitter pill in her mouth. It was not as funny as she had hoped. What it revealed was more than the chicken’s anus. The ungodly affair of Martha and Moses was making her lose sleep. Both of them had torn the garment of honor and now they were wearing the masks of shame. What they did was disgraceful and profane. Their action was smearing the name of the convent. But that was not all. Moses’s steely-nerved and unremorseful attitude was rubbing salt in the wound. So Reverend Grace had thought of what to do that would be proportionate to what Martha had done. As for Moses, she had decided to send him far away from the convent. The decision to do that was extremely hurting and above and beyond her call of duty. She loved him very much. But Moses thrust a terrible choice upon her, and it became the necessary thing to do. As for Martha, she had thought of suspending her. But on a second thought she decided not to. If Martha was suspended, it would raise dust in the convent. And sooner or later, everyone would know the cold truth. Martha needed the Lord and not the time away from Him. However, she had decided to send for her and hear what she would say in her defense. Martha was unwell as Reverend Grace soon found out. So she phoned Pius − the convent’s doctor − to come and attend to her.

Pius returned to the convent, two days later with a troubled face. Reverend Grace was outside her room mending her dress. She was reclining on her slant armchair and whistling a hymn when Pius reached her. They exchanged greetings. The bliss with which Reverend Grace was whistling the hymn left Pius’s tongue clinging to the roof of his mouth. He was bearing sad news and he was certain Reverend Grace would be torn apart.

‘I’ve Martha’s test result,’ he said finally, looking up at Reverend Grace’s face. ‘We should go inside.’ Reverend Grace stared at him and rose from the armchair. She could discern the overtone in Pius’s voice.

‘I hope it’s not very bad?’ she asked him anxiously. Pius shook his head slowly and mumbled some quiet words as they entered Reverend Grace’s room. Reverend Grace sat clumsily on the bed, staring at him. Pius allowed a brief silence to pass.

‘Where is the result? You’re making me anxious with your silence,’ Reverend Grace said, breaking the silence. Pius exhaled and brought out the paper in his pocket.

‘Martha’s result is not good. I don’t feel upbeat about it,’ he said. ‘I know she doesn’t leave the convent. So I was doubtful of the result. She has malaria and typhoid. But they are nothing. I do not know how water entered the coconut. Martha is pregnant.’

Reverend Grace jumped from the bed and cast a murderous stare at Pius. How could he have said that? How could Martha be pregnant?

‘I do not understand… what do you mean?’ she stammered. ‘We do not play with such grave matters here. This is the convent. It’s a holy and sacred place, a dwelling place of our Lord.’ Reverend Grace’s voice said was trembling as she spoke. Pius clucked sympathetically at her. He rose from the chair and went closer to Reverend Grace and clasped her hands.

‘I swear by the Lord. It’s true. The result is authentic. I was confused myself. I did not believe it at first.’ Reverend Grace was mortified.

‘I cannot believe this. I cannot imagine the shame and sacrilege. It’s unbearable,’ Reverend Grace said, trembling. She could not say more. The pain in her heart choked her words. She tried to speak again but she felt giddy. Then she screamed and passed out.

When Reverend Grace opened her eyes, it was midnight. Reverend Joy was sitting on the bed and watching over her. She let out a huge sigh of relief when Reverend Grace coughed and opened her eyes. A smile of respite beamed on her face.

‘Thank God you’re now awake.’

‘What happened to me? How long have I been sleeping?’ Reverend Grace asked her.

‘You’ve been sleeping for several hours now. Actually, you fainted,’ Reverend Joy said.

‘Where is Pius?’

‘Oh, he left a long time ago. He put you on the bed and asked me to look after you,’ Reverend Joy replied.

‘First thing in the morning you must bring Martha to me. I need to see her. It’s an urgent matter,’ Reverend Grace said, looking into Reverend Joy’s eyes. What Martha had done was grubby, and it would be unwise if she told Reverend Joy about it. It would shock her. It was best to keep it to herself. And most importantly, it would be unwise if she let the bad news out. The convent was a sparkling glass of water and a dip of one dirty finger would pollute it. If the news spread it would be the case of a rotten apple that spoiled the barrel.

‘All right, I shall bring her to you,’ Reverend Joy promised, as she wondered what was amiss. But if she imagined that something was wrong, she kept it too to herself. She did not think it was wise to ask Reverend Grace about it. She would tell her about it if she thought it was necessary.

‘You should sleep now. Pius said you need a lot of rest,’ she said to Reverend Grace.

‘Of course, I shall,’ Reverend Grace replied, her head was throbbing with pain. ‘Please switch off the light.’ Reverend Joy stretched her hand and switched off the light. She curled up on the chair and did not wake up until the first rooster crowed in the morning.

Reverend Grace woke up in the morning and found Martha in her room. She would have woken earlier, but she did not sleep all through the night. She was deeply worried. She had slept at the early hours of the morning. Reverend Joy was sitting on the chair with her arms folded across her breasts and watching. Reverend Grace gave her a knowing look and asked her to leave them alone. She rose from the chair and walked out of the room and a deathlike silence descended in the room.

‘I cannot believe you’d betray my trust and sin against the Lord in this shameless manner,’ Reverend Grace said finally. ‘You’re supposed to be the handmaid of the Lord and His vessel of honor. Instead you sought after the pleasures of the flesh and went in the way of the sinful world. How could you have let your emotions get the better of you? How could you have defiled the Lord’s temple? How could you have gotten pregnant?’ Reverend Grace asked Martha in a shrill voice.

Martha was unfazed by Reverend Grace’s words. She loved Moses dearly and she was not sorry for that. It was not her fault that it happened. No one tells the heart who to love, and who not to. However, she was deeply sorry for getting pregnant and for betraying Reverend Grace’s trust. The convent and the life of a nun were never meant for her. She had never been cut out for it. The story of how she came to the convent was a long and painful one.

‘I am sorry I betrayed you,’ Martha said finally. ‘But I did not plan to get pregnant for your son and to bring shame to you and the convent. I love Moses and my life would be meaningless without him.’ Reverend Grace screamed and struck Martha hard on the face. The strikes were now even. It was the same as she had struck Moses. She was the mother of twins and so, she must have non-discriminatory breasts.

‘How dare you speak about such ungodly love and life with my son? Have you forgotten that an egg has no business dancing with stones? You’re a nun! Do you not remember that? You’ve been dedicated to the Lord and only Him and his works should you love,’ Reverend Grace said, seething. Her heart was burning with pain. It was the defiance and insouciance with which Martha and Moses spoke of the same immoral love that was hurting her most; that steely-eyed and dim-witted stance that makes for a proper fool.

‘You and Moses are my greatest love. Now, both of you are my greatest sorrow. You do not feel any remorse for your sins. Instead you sing poems of your odious and shameful act. You leave me with no choice but to suspend you. Henceforth, you shall be ostracized from the congregation of the nuns. You shall not partake in our activities until you’ve been purged of your sins. The door of God’s mercy is still open to you. It’s never too late to repent. As for your child, I shall phone Pius and you shall have an abortion. The child is an ungodly seed and cannot be allowed here. If we allow it, you shall tarnish the name of the church and this convent. Leave my presence forthwith!’ Reverend Grace screamed, staring at Martha. Martha was stiff, as goose pimples spread all over her body. She stared at Reverend Grace with a mixture of surprise and disgust. Never in her life would she have agreed with anyone that Reverend Grace would speak of abortion. It had been so easy for her to tell her that her child would be killed. She removed her gaze from her and trudged out of her room.

Reverend Grace sat on the bed in deep thoughts. She was surprised at her fallibility and fickleness. What startled her most was the cold truth that she had lived her whole life in total ignorance of who she really was. She had always believed in the sacredness of life. Abortion was a terrible sin. Now it shocked her that she was on the cusp of consenting to one. The honor of the church, her name and that of the convent was more important to her than the life of a child. She looked up and stared at the wood-framed photo of Moses on the wall and tears seeped from her eyes. Moses’s mother was better than her. She was braver and godlier. She was wrong to have judged her so cruelly. That she was the abbess of the convent did not make her better than anyone. It was a privilege, and privilege often tends to blind. Moses’s mother had abandoned him but she had given him the right to life, while on the other hand, she was on the cusp of taking one. What she was seeing was making her believe the argument that nothing in the world was wrong or right, and that everything was based on perspective.

Martha returned to her room and wept bitterly. It was heartless of her to have treated Reverend Grace in that manner. She had showered her with immense love. When she first came to the convent, Reverend Grace made her the center of her world and put her whole being into loving her. It was never her plan to repay her in that way. However, what happened was not of her making. It was her fate to love Moses. She had decided on what to do. She would run away from the convent. She would go far away, anywhere. She was tired of staying in the convent and dishonoring herself. The people at the convent were a holy group, and she was the sinful one. She would do the right thing and weed herself out. She would take her destiny into her own hands. She stopped crying and wiped the tears in her eyes. She rose from the bed and took a pen and paper and began to write Moses a heartrending letter.

Dear Moses,

I am writing you because the time and circumstance that surrounds us is threatening to put us apart. But you and I know that our hearts beat as one, and we’re inseparable. Our love has grown stronger by the day, and we cannot imagine a life and world without each other’s love. I’ve sworn never to leave you and so have you. We’ll stand by that no matter what! If we leave each other, what is there in life for us? My heart bleeds, even as I write you now. I’ve cried all day.

I am pregnant for you, and we’ll be having the child. You’re going to be a good father. I am hoping that our child will look like you while he will have the color of my eyes and skin. But if I do not leave the convent, we cannot fulfil this dream, and we cannot cement the bond of our love. They would tell me why it’s wrong to have our child, and they would make a mockery of our love and what they do not wish to understand. I’ve come to see that the world is full of pretense. Men pretend to scream for freedom on their rooftops, while they are building prisons and chains in their bedrooms. I’ve lived the life of the world. I’ve lived the life of pretense. The life of doing what I think is right, at the expense of my happiness, freedom and fulfilment. Now I want a life of true and absolute freedom. I must go away with our love and child.

Honestly, I do not know where to go, but I must find a place for our child. Anywhere would be safe and happy for me. I do not mind if I have to sleep on the streets or on the cold and hard floors. I do not mind if I have to face the horrors, the pain and brutality of the world. Everyone fears death, but I do not. I know that our lives together will someday come to an end. We’ll die, but our love and memories together will never die. Knowing all these, the thought of you, our consummated love, and the child in my womb will always keep me warm and strong.

Your favorite picture of me is enclosed in this letter. Please, carry it with you wherever you go and always remember me in all you do. Do not forget me, our child and our love. Let the world think what they want, all that matters to me is what we have and share. I’ve learnt that we cannot really choose who we’ll love and who we are, but we can choose who we’ll stay with and who we’ll become. And I’ve chosen not to be unhappy or live in this cold world all by myself. Not anymore that I have found you and the warmth of your love.

I’ll miss you dearly, and my heart is shattered. But I’ll find the way to go on. And when you miss me too, let my picture, the chortling of our child and our sweet memories keep you warm in the cold nights and in the stormy moments, till we meet again and reunite in each other’s arms.

There is more for me to say, but I shall carry them with me, with the hope that you shall come to me. Then I shall tell you about them when I see your sweet face.

Yours Forever,

Martha.

Martha folded the letter and placed it under her pillow. She stared at the clock and it was 6p.m. the bell for the Angelus was ringing. She thought it was best to wait for the light out when she was sure no one would see her. Later that night after she returned from slipping the letter under Moses’s door, a spasm of pain spread through her body and cut through her heart. Nonetheless, the relief that she had informed him of her imminent disappearance gave her an ounce of hope and comfort.