Chapter 55: Chapter 55
"Please let go of me!", I got even louder, but he just didn't turn around to me.
He kept pulling me behind him and so slowly the sheer panic penetrated my head. All I could think about was never being able to see Benjamin again if I didn't do what Pablo told me to do. This panic then turned into anger and desperation and I just fell on my butt crying, so that he finally turned around and glared at me until he noticed my tears and his eyes revealed only concern.
"Come up," he said soothingly and helped me back to my feet. "And no, I won't let you go anyway," he added as I stood in front of him and choked back the tears.
"You don't have to decide that!" I then said frustrated.
"Oh doch!"
"Reahlyn!" I admonished him. "Do you want to be the next one who wants to rule my life? Who wants to control me? I can do without that!"
I was about to turn and just leave when he grabbed my hand again.
"Are you serious? You compare me to everyone else? I just want what's best for you and I just don't get it! If you really want to go back there then EVERYTHING you ever said to me was a lie and last night I guess it was just a meaningless number for you!"
He screamed so loud that I even got a little scared of him while he squeezed my hand tightly and looked at me angry and stunned at the same time.
I didn't know what to say to that, because nothing was a lie, nothing was pretended and even more so, he wasn't a number for me, but I had the feeling that he wouldn't believe me anymore anyway...
Without saying anything else, he suddenly let go of me and turned his back on me, making me play with my fingers nervously.
"Reahlyn!" I called out in panic when he had almost turned the corner and hesitantly he turned around to me again while I slowly walked towards him.
"I have to go there," I began, taking a deep breath. He looked down at me questioningly and was very still. "because it's the only way to see my son..."
He stopped moving. Almost seemed frozen while making me all the more nervous.
I shifted from one foot to the other, watching his stunned face and was almost terrified when suddenly, without warning, he grabbed my hand.
"What do you mean when you say it's the only way to see him?" he then asked and I suddenly saw only anger flicker in his eyes. "Are you being blackmailed or what are you trying to tell me?"
"No... well... Oh, it's complicated! Up until a few days ago, I didn't even know that my son was still alive."
We sat together on a stone wall behind the harbor and I calmly explained the whole truth to him.
"So that means you really loved Pablo?" he finally wanted to know and I just nodded in embarrassment. "And this bastard knows exactly what a good person you are and also knows that you would do anything for Benjamin," he added quietly, speaking more to himself.
He seemed thoughtful for a while and I too drifted into my shitty past until he suddenly got up frantically and stood right in front of me.
"Love, listen to me. I'll always protect you and Benjamin! You'll never have to worry about anything again, but let me put a fucking bullet in his head! He deserves it just by the way he treats you. "
He took my hands and helped me to my feet, but I only shook my head in the negative.
"I can't do that," I whispered, clutching his chest sobbing. "He is Benjamin's father and the little one loves him. I can't take his father away from him. That would shape his whole life."
"But you can't leave him with Pablo either. He's a pimp who manipulates and blackmails others. Don't you think he'll do the same to Benjamin? Do you really want him to follow in his footsteps?"
He rubbed my back soothingly while I looked up into his eyes and just wished we could all leave together without spilling more blood...
"Reahlyn. I will never let another man touch me again, but please let me all in on you with a clear conscience. I need to see him and maybe I can find a solution that's acceptable to all of us."
When he didn't answer me and just stared thoughtfully into space, I clutched his chest again, trying to find a moment of peace before all the chaos would come crashing down on me again. But it didn't take long before he broke away from the intimate embrace.
"Did Esteban know about Benjamin?" he suddenly asked, and I immediately shook my head.
"No, nobody knows about him. Just Pablo and me.... and you," I replied sheepishly and then immediately looked down. I didn't want to talk about Esteban, let alone with him. There were still so many incomprehensible, unspoken feelings inside me that I just tried to ignore and that came up with his name alone...
"Little one?" he breathed softly and pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear to then look at me intently. "Go see your son tonight and make your decisions. Think carefully about the consequences you can live with and let me tell you one thing. No matter how you felt about Pablo in the past, it doesn't give him the right to treat you like that and you have to stop telling yourself it's your own fault."
I was just about to snuggle up against his chest again for protection, but he held me back.
"And one more thing. Please just think about yourself and your life. You have a big heart and you want to please everyone, but please don't come at the price of breaking yourself... I wouldn't take it."
He kissed my forehead gently and then finally let me snuggle up tight against his warm chest.
It lifted my heart to realize that even though I had a child by someone else, he wasn't in any way hostile to me. On the contrary... He said he would protect me and Benjamin forever, which warmed my heart with relief.
I looked up at him, cupped my hands on his cheeks and brought my lips to his, drawing him into a passionate kiss. The butterflies in my stomach chased away all the demons with their violent flapping of wings for a short time, which just felt breathtakingly good and I hoped this moment would never end... but it did...
Only hesitantly we broke apart again and looked deep into each other's eyes.
"I'll be waiting for you right here at 3 p.m. tomorrow," he then explained quietly, and with every word I heard his pain ring out very clearly, so that I also felt a tugging in my chest. I couldn't stand it when he was down, and at the same time I was incredibly grateful to him for giving me at least one last night to make my own decisions...
"Well then, little one," he smiled painfully and pressed a kiss on my face that made my knees go weak. But as quickly as this wonderful feeling came over me, it went just as quickly.... and Reahlyn too...
I watched him turn his back on me and get on his motorbike while I was already trying to come up with a plan.
Benjamin had to come with us. He couldn't stay with Pablo... but was I the kind of person who could live with having my child's father shot?
If you have loved someone, are you able to see that person die without having a lifetime of painful regrets?
I didn't know, but soon found out what it's like to lose love and break it...
Without Reahlyn by my side, I immediately felt colder and more alone, growing with every passing second until I was really close to hailing a cab, driving over to his place, and saying goodbye to everyone and everything forever say.
I would just live the life with him that would make me happy and enjoy every moment with him to the fullest.
In my mind I could already see how we would both be fooling around. Imagine what it would be like to fall asleep in his arms every night and wake up in them every morning. I knew in that moment that I would never get enough of it and I would cherish every second with him by my side...
But then, when the thought came that we would definitely start a family someday, my little Benjamin came to mind. Reahlyn was right, I couldn't leave him... that would really be something I would never forgive myself for...
And then there was Esteban... the man I loved, but who could never make me happy because he was so broken himself that he barely took part in life...
When I got to All In, I looked up at the flashing billboard and thought about Esteban's threat to burn the place down. By God, I should have helped him with that...
My eyes then fell wistfully down to me, where I immediately saw Reahlyn's clothes, which were way too big for me. Hopefully Pablo wouldn't put two and two together.
A last breath of fresh air, one last look at the dark night sky over Juneau, then off to the battle that seemed all but lost to me.
I threw open one of the double doors and hesitantly entered my personal hell, and the smell of cigars and alcohol immediately hit my nostrils.
The lights were already flickering, the quiet house music filling the room, and looking at all the men watching Natalia dance, I carefully took one step at a time while holding on to the banister and letting my eyes wander to the bar .