Chapter 28: Chapter 28

"Wasn't on purpose," I immediately apologized to Esteban, staring a little too long into his brown eyes, one of which seemed lighter than the other on closer inspection. I liked it, which I didn't like at all.

"You better take care of yourself," he said calmly and then took his hand from my back, which I had completely forgotten was there.

I glanced at his black shirt and matching black dress pants, then adjusted my coat, which had ridden up a bit from the impact.

"Who are you running from?" he asked into the silence and I immediately remembered Ronald. I winced at the memory of him and looked over my shoulder in panic, but thank heavens he was nowhere to be seen.

"Love?" Esteban snapped me out of my stillness and I quickly gathered myself to face him again, composed and confident. I certainly didn't want him to sense my insecurity, although his worried look told me enough that he knew it.

"In front of no one. I just wanted to get to work," I explained, chin up, wanting to quickly pass him, but he reached out his arm so he could pull me close to his side.

My breathing stopped momentarily as my heart started pounding uncontrollably against my chest.

Normally nobody intimidates me so easily, but there was something about his aura that made it difficult not to get nervous around him and his presence. Especially when you feel like you're being followed by someone else.

"Didn't you forget something?" he then whispered close to my ear and I hated that he gave me a pleasant goosebumps that spread down my neck.

I shyly searched his eyes and then tried to hide my insecurity with a fake smile while I felt his breath on my cheek and reluctantly lost myself in the depths of his eyes.

"What do you mean?" It came out very softly from my lips, as if I had lost my voice somewhere in the whole chaos.

I thought I saw the corners of his mouth twitch, which is otherwise expressionless, and I was surprised, but then he suddenly just let go of me to put his mouth close to my ear one last time.

"A simple thank you, Love," he whispered, and I froze, hearing his heavy footsteps slowly but surely receding behind me.

Completely off the hook and stunned by its effect on me, I didn't dare to move for what felt like an eternity.

It was something new to feel like that and I already didn't want it anymore. Such feelings were like poison, at least for me. They distracted me, took too much of my energy and I would rather not care than the men showed feelings for me, because that was pure overstrain.

After I could no longer stand the silence and the cold wind around me, I ran around the next corner as if in a trance and then saw the All in, which actually shone brightly with the red lettering, but it was still too early for that.

I knocked on the black door several times, glancing around and feeling like I was being watched the whole time.

I would probably really go insane, but you certainly didn't see someone getting shot every night.

"What are you doing-"

I didn't let Pablo finish and stormed past him down the stairs.

It wasn't until I got to the bar out of breath that I grabbed a glass and poured whiskey in to drink it down in one gulp...

Pablo approached me with a frown. He kept looking back and forth between me and the glass and then sat down on one of the stools in front of me.

"What happened?" he then wanted to know, but I had the feeling I had to drink another glass quickly to even get a word out.

After pouring, I slammed the bottle down on the table, shaking, and then looked at him thoughtfully.

"Yesterday's man, Ronald. He got hurt," I said, biting my lower lip nervously.

I didn't know how to convey my discomfort to Ronald to Pablo. He didn't mind men who treated women like dirt and I knew with a high degree of certainty that he would make me go home with him again if Ronald asked for it.

"What do you mean by 'hurt'?" he then asked with a raised eyebrow and leaned forward a little.

"Well," I continued nervously, only looking at my hands, which lay very still on the counter. "We went to his house and then a masked man came in and shot him in the hand," I said with a dry throat and then looked into his eyes again. "He didn't do anything to me. He was only after him."

Pablo looked withdrawn for a second, then adjusted his suit to get up and come towards me.

"Did Ronald pay you?" was his first question and I just shook my head as he put his hand on my cheek and pressed his pelvis against mine. "Well then, that's none of our business."

His irises flitted across my face and I watched with bated breath as he bit his lower lip with relish.

"Too bad for Ronald that a night with such a beautiful woman ends so bitterly," he whispered in my face and then pressed his lips to my neck, but just before he could touch my skin, someone came down the stairs. ..

"Hey," Josh called out in greeting, his concerned gaze caught on my help-seeking one.

"Hi," I managed gratefully, and Pablo immediately pulled away from me to glare at Josh.

"To work," he said annoyed and, luckily for me, retreated to the back, behind the stage, where his office was.

"Thank you," I whispered and smiled at Josh, who just gave me a stern look.

"You shouldn't get here any sooner than necessary. I'm only here because I couldn't sleep anymore and I still have a lot to do in the camp," he said, standing in front of me as if he wanted to isolate me from everything else , but he couldn't.

"I couldn't sleep either," I replied, taking a deep breath while pouring myself another glass.

"You could just tell me where you live, then-"

"No, Josh," I interrupted immediately, looking at him pleadingly. So often he wanted to know where I live, but nobody knew and it should stay that way.

"All right," he murmured like a little puppy, walking past me and already I was sorry for being like that to him...

That's exactly what I mean. I'd rather be used than feel so bad.

After a few more drinks and watching Josh set things up for the night, I made my way back to the dressing room to have some more time to myself.

The alcohol was slowly making itself felt by making my legs and tongue feel heavy, but I felt all the less inside, which was small consolation on these dark days.

I shed my coat, along with my white sweater and lastly my jeans, to then choose some off-the-rack underwear. There were all kinds of costumes that looked really nice, but at the end of the night those things were going to end up on the black stage floor anyway, so it didn't matter how glitzy they turned out.

Thoughtfully, I ran my fingers over the fabric of a red dress, which felt velvety to the touch, giving me a sense of lightness, and then, lifting it off the rack, pulled it over my black underwear.

"Love?" I suddenly heard Josh knock on the door and turned around hesitantly.

"Ja?"

"May I come inside?"

I didn't think long at all, ran to the door and opened it for him to look at him questioningly.

His white shirt was tight around his chest and the piercing in his ear shone in the lights behind me as his warm brown eyes darted nervously across my face.

"What's going on?" I asked as he walked past me and sat down on the chair in front of the mirror to look at me in it.

"I..." he started, but stopped and took a few deep breaths. "I know where you live," he said, and I walked right up to him with wide eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked, making him play with his fingers nervously.

"I know how that must sound, but believe me, I never had any bad intentions. If you weren't home with any men, I'd follow you at a good distance... to the prefab near the port . Then I always waited until the light in the window with the red curtains went on, only then did I go home with peace of mind."

"Josh," I whispered, shaking my head. I didn't know at that moment whether I should be angry or happy, didn't know how to react, so I broke my wall for a moment and leaned down to hug him tightly for a moment.. .

"You wouldn't have-"

"I know."

The short hug turned into a longer one and I literally felt his heart start beating faster and how gently he stroked my back with his hand, which made me a little uncomfortable.

"I have to get out soon," I said, overwhelmed, and broke the tight hug to lean my back against the wall next to us.

"May I take you home later?"

"Josh, I don't care if you know where I live. What do you hope to get out of your kindness?" I then asked with a sad undertone, but he didn't respond at all.

"Nothing. I just want to know for sure."

I avoided his gaze and didn't say anything more and luckily for me he understood without words that I wanted to be alone now. With his worried look he left the cloakroom and left behind only confused thoughts and new insights...

This boy was really in love with me and it was now up to me not to give him any more false hope.

Lost in thought, I sat down again on the stool in front of the mirror where Josh was sitting and only casually noticed that it was getting louder and louder outside. More and more voices filtered through the thin walls and as the music started, I knew it wouldn't be long before I was able to perform.

I looked at myself in the mirror, noticing my empty eyes that looked like I wasn't feeling anything at the moment and I was. Breathing heavily, I ran my hands through my natural curls and then got up to leave the dressing room feeling queasy.

Actually, I never felt so torn when I was working, but the goosebumps Esteban gave me and the looks Josh gave me completely threw me off track.

Suddenly I really thought about the fact that I deserved better and that there was more to me in life than this.

But I shook off that absurd notion with a smile and thought of Pablo and my stepfather, who both saw me the same way... I was nothing...

When I arrived backstage, I met Roberta, who angrily came towards me from Pablo's office. She was dressed normally and didn't look like she was still working today.

"Honey," she addressed me, hugging me tightly. The smell of her sweet perfume penetrated my nostrils and over her shoulder I looked directly into Pablo's eyes, who was leaning against his door frame and puffing on a cigar with relish.

"I wish you all the best," she suddenly said and broke away from me while I looked at her questioningly.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, but she just shook her head and straightened her tight leather jacket.