Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Songs for this chapter are:

Scar - Kim Yeon Ji (Tale of Nokdu OST)

Boomerang - Jidenna

Hours - Limoblaze

Pain - 1k phew

Nauseous - Gawvi

This chapter is consecrated to SherryGold one of my wonderful readers. Thank you for your constant support. Xx.

Mustafa

The urge for adequate reactions to certain situations sometimes supersedes the vows we've made to ourselves whenever we are encountered with such situations.

At times, we don't even plan to give those reactions or responses but we do anyway and most times, we don't regret it because, at that point, we deemed it necessary.

If a joke is funny, and you feel the urge to laugh but you don't want to because the joke was told by someone you dislike, then it will be a superfluous idea to rob yourself of your laughter simply because you want to keep a vain atmosphere.

Life is too short to abide by our self-made rules all the time. Nonchalance is a tad bit too overrated. To me, it's like holding on to hot coal to let it burn your target whereas it's burning you because you're still holding on to it tightly; putting a bane on your emotions with the hopes that it will hurt your adversary that way.

If you feel the need to laugh, laugh. If your eyes sting, cry. Don't blink the tears back. They stung for a reason in the first place.

Cassandra deserved a hug that very moment and I could not help but give her one. I had been hoping for the best for her in whatever she ended up doing with her life. I was hoping she would become a better person for our children and herself. I hoped for these things even though our friendship had come to an end and we might never get to see each other again after today. Despite the underlying possibility that I might never get to witness her transformation.

But the outturn of today's events proved my notions wrong. It was a miracle to see Cassandra take a bold step towards attaining her redemption. I was happy to see that she wasn't willing to settle and remain who she used to be.

I never imagined that she would work towards becoming a better person so soon. I already estimated a period of five to ten years in her stead since healing was a strenuous process.

Then something occurred to me.

Family and its beautiful essence.

Her sister has been there for me. I didn't need to hear tales or witness things to know that her sister has been by her side to make her journey easier and a lot less time-consuming. Today alone was proof that her sister had her back.

I wished my father would have embraced me like Barrister Yemisi embraced her sister irrespective of her innumerable monstrosities. Certainly, I would not have gone to the depths of attempting to take my life if my Dad had accepted me through the hardship but Zoe came through for me.

To be very honest, I still wasn't sure about her person and I wasn't enthusiastic about her presence in my life. Undeniably, I was thankful for all she had done for me during this duration of my life but if I had the power to choose my savior, then she would have been nowhere close to an option.

I would have picked a family member; my mother or my elder sister preferably but my mother was long rotten six feet under the ground and my sister, Aisha, I avoided her the last time I traveled to Iran because I could not bear to burden her with my plight for lo, it made my heart sore.

Maybe that was the last chance Allah had bestowed upon me since my Dad had declined to save me from my troubles and I sure did disregard it.

Now, I don't know what to make of Zoe and her unquestionable presence in my life because the possibility that she would want something in return for her display of benevolence was inevitable and the underlying fact that I would most likely be unable to make a befitting payback for her generosity made it look unfair from the onset already.

Like a win-lose situation.

But what could I do really?

If the worst comes to the worst, I will let her understand the harsh reality because I never for once led her on or gave her a wrong impression neither did I call onto her to save me that afternoon at the bridge. She insisted on helping me and chose to be there for me and for that cause, I felt the need to live so I don't make her life a misery. That was the least I could do for her, wasn't it?

I can only hope that I'm overthinking everything anyway and that the line of my thoughts is completely out of context.

When the door swung open on me wrapping my arms securely around Cassandra's shoulders, I was met with Barrister Yemisi's somewhat nonplussed expression and Zoe, seething subtly with anger telling from the incessant working of her jawline making her teeth clash together.

Slowly, I withdrew my grip on her shoulders. Thankfully she seemed to have sensed their presence so she made the whole withdrawal process easier because I feared that she wouldn't let go of her grip on my back, excreting more ocular fluids while muttering her endless apologetic chants and that would have made me much too uncomfortable than I already was.

However, I still wished I didn't let go of her so soon so she could have the time to wipe her tears away and get herself together. With her sister firing a gazillion shots of skepticism and ear-deafening questions of uncertainty just by the mere raising of her left brow, I started to doubt myself again for hugging Cassandra because the last thing I wanted was for her to get the wrong idea.

As for Zoe, I chose not to comprehend why the sight of Cassandra and I hugging each other seemed to annoy her.

Awudubillah. God forbid that I understand the reason beneath her vile gnashing of teeth.

All I hoped for was that she wasn't assuming anything foolish because I believe she should know better.

Why are you so foolish? Can't you see the fire in her eyes and the smoke emitting from her ears? How can you lie to yourself that you don't know why she's mad?!

Ya Allah, I'm not ready for this kind of problem. Right now, I'm only going to choose to worry about Cassandra because she must equally be feeling uncomfortable.

"Cass, are you okay?" Barrister Yemisi spoke as she hurried towards her sister, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Yes, I am. Mustafa and I were just having a conversation. Nothing bad happened. I think we should go now, " she wiped her tears with the back of her palm and was suddenly starting to adjust the hem of her dress. As soon as she did that, her sister looked at me. Her expression, totally unfathomable.

Oh God, what is this now?!

"Yes, I was thinking the same as well, " Barrister Yemisi seconded. "We will be leaving now, " she told me and this time, her expression was a bit readable. It showed that she felt pity for me rather than the uncertainty I assumed earlier.

I gave her a polite nod, squirming with absolutely no idea how to react to her show of compassion but I didn't have to fret because she was already on her way out. Cassandra avoided my eyes. She was still feeling guilty and unworthy and I didn't feel bad for her because it was okay for her to feel that way.

Hmm. Who knew there would ever come a time when you will put yourself first?

Grr... Shut up!

Quickly after they exited the office, Zoe stood in front of me, hands akimbo, shoulders pumped up high with the aid of imaginary shoulder pads from God knows where she looked at me with a frown to imitate her best composure of some gigantic blockade capable enough to stop me from moving an inch if I dared to but to grant her the bliss of having such a sick delusion, I decided not to move.

"What was that?"

"What was 'what'? Me hugging Cassandra you mean?" I straightened my suit as though her presence had somewhat soiled its mint condition.

"Yes. You've never hugged me like that out of your free will."

"Hmm. So, do you need a hug? Are you hurting? Are you going through what she's going through?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Yes, I'm hurting because I don't want to believe you are showing sympathy to a lady who treated you like total crap while I'm here, supporting you but you don't seem to regard my presence very much. Besides, what do you mean by 'am I going through what she's going through?' I don't want to believe that Cassie is feeling pain or regret for everything she did to you and I don't want to believe you're sympathizing with her over that. Cassie is a goddamn liar and scum and a—"

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked calmly like you'd put water on a fire, fizzing out every power the flames once had.

"No. Answer mine first, " she fumed again.

"Whatever answer you give to the question I'm about to ask you will serve as the perfect answer to your question, " I insisted, adding the last drop of water to the stubborn flames still advocating for a revolt. "You know, I've been wanting to know why you sent those videos of Dan sleeping with girls in the motel to Cassandra that year. If you claimed to have feelings for me, wouldn't you have done otherwise? I believe you would have instead, done your best to hide the information from her so she can remain with Dan and then you get the chance to shoot your shots at me, not so?"

"If I had done that, " she said calmly now, seeming to have lost the will to fight with violence. "you wouldn't have given me your attention. I would have died, waiting for you to notice me because I did everything I could to get you to notice me. I had to seek your attention more effectively."

"So, you decided to go after the person I loved so you could use it to earn an accreditation and a good impression from me so I would like you because you have Cassandra's best interests at heart when that is not the case, right?"

"Yes."

"Awudubillah, " I exclaimed, unable to resist the urge to facepalm. "Do you know how insane and delusional that is? So you expected me to give you attention after you gave the information that Dan was cheating on Cassie? So you could mistake my attention and appreciation for you as me developing a feeling for you? Don't you think you deserve better?"

"Mustafa, that's all in the past now. What matters is that—"

"No, it's not in the past. I was sincerely starting to appreciate you and all you were doing for me and I thought you were coming this time with no ulterior motives but now I know that you still hate Cassandra's guts and you want her out completely."

"Is it bad to want that?" she asked, the fire started to burn again and I could tell through the glowing anger in her eyes. They seemed to produce some water in fact like a silent battle for which emblem was going to prevail - subtle destruction or evident havoc. "Were you happy to learn that Cassie was having sex with Dan even after she willingly agreed to marry you? I just want you all to myself. Is that a bad thing to desire?"

"There's a big difference between both situations, Zoe, and I'm sure that if you could say those words again and listen to them, you will agree that you can't compare both situations besides, you don't seem to understand that the last thing I want right now is a wife, " I broke the truth to her. Her eyes darted from one end to the other. "Cassie can't be easily removed from my life anymore because now, we have children together and in due time, I would have to function as a father to these children. I can't even see my kids now because I'm not okay. Are you even aware of that?"

"If you don't want to see Cassie anymore, you won't use the children as an excuse."

"Cassandra is the mother of my children and I love my children. For that sole reason, I will not do away with her. I am not yelling at you now because it's clear you don't know what parenting is about since you don't have children but let me say this. If your intention of supporting me all these while was to win my love, then I'll advise you to stop now before you get hurt."

"Mustafa—"

"You should be able to do this for me, can't you? I believe that if you love me, you will be understanding enough to respect my quest for peace and happiness because that is all I want right now. I truly appreciate you Zoe but I can't give you the love you want. Besides, if you keep coming to me with so many bad intentions attached to them, and if you keep forcing things like this, I might never get to value you very much which might lead me to push you away like how you've been trying to push Cassandra away and I know it will hurt your feelings. So for now, please leave me alone so I can have the liberty to heal for myself."

That was the last straw for her and I was glad that it was. She picked her purse up from the sofa and stormed out of my office. Well, in actuality, she walked out since she had no fire left to dish out to me but her departure didn't feel like she was gone for good. It was more like the calm before the storm.

It was more of villain in a fantasy movie who has been defeated but then says: 'you haven't seen the last of me' before leaving or disappearing. I had the feeling she was going to come back and try to win my love but nevertheless, I'm glad she's gone right now.

Ya Allah, if you are going to help me get through this awful phase of my life, please give me someone I will be happy with. I deserve the kind of love I give, don't I?

***

Exodus 14:14 - "The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace."

Glossary

• Awudubillah - 'God forbid'! Or 'I rebuke it'! (I apologize if this was spelled wrongly).