Chapter 4: Chapter 4

Songs for this chapter are:

Cold Water - Hulvey

Fight for me - Gawvi ft Lecrae

Breath - Sam Kim (OST It's okay to not be okay)

For me - Limoblaze ft Marizu

Shame - Andy Mineo ft Josh Garrels

Damascus - Hulvey

Cassandra

Purpose.

I'd heard that word very often and it has been preached to me directly or indirectly by my Dad, my siblings, and even by Mustafa that we as humans are created for a reason, our existence has its basis and we are made to fulfill the cause in which we have been created for in our life span.

Truth be told, I completely believed in the creed because why should humans be created for no reason? everything that exists should indeed exist to serve a purpose.

I'd seen it through the lives that my elder siblings lived. I got to understand that there are some people who have been created to lay down their lives for people around them and to serve other people while some were created to be served after years of service themselves.

But in the long run, it's a win-win situation. If you are able to discover the true purpose for your existence on earth, you live your life with the goal of fulfilling that purpose and it brings you joy and satisfaction knowing that after all, your existence is not meaningless or useless and that you are needed on the earth to make a change irrespective of how little it may be. You have something to live for and in the end, the harvest you reap from the seeds you've sown in order to fulfill your purpose will make your life accountable for it.

Often times, when we are created to serve other people, it mostly turns out to be the ones we love or people we eventually grow to love. These people whom we serve are to live and are to die for if need be. After all, that is just one of the numerous dynamics of love. Love will fight for you and sustain you. Even if it requires the creation or the existence of one human being to bring that effect into manifestation and if that person is unable to serve that purpose, love will fetch someone else for you.

I looked up to my sister, Yemisi a lot because the life she lived was an exemplar of the purpose-driven life. She always put other people first and most times, it was always the right people she put first. It always looked like her life was all figured out because she discovered her purpose at a very early age and the surreal sacrifices she made didn't go to waste because she reaped the fruits abundantly.

She stayed fierce and unyielding to the storms of her life and she came out, a fulfilled human being. She lived and will continue to live for the ones she loves and would grow to love.

How about dying for the people you love?

My dad was extremely ill throughout his lifetime but he would always go out of his way for us, his children. For my sake, he would believe in superstitions and ridiculous idiosyncrasies. He would pray to gods from the unknown so he doesn't lose any of us into the hands of death or captivity.

He would rather dance the tango with a monkey on the moon and give coins to stinky roosters in every poultry he could find just so he never gets to hear news of his children being in danger or at the verge of death. I always tried to imagine the kind of sacrifices he must have made when I was at that castle, far, far away from home but I couldn't because it always made my head ache.

My dad was always willing to lay down his life because he saw his children as a cause worth dying for and truly he died for us. He'd died when he was trying to protect my sister, Demi from the hands of a grotesque Chief. He really died for us and till the earth fades away, his death would forever be a memorable one.

Living and dying for someone you love in both cases is a purpose-driven and well fulfilled meaningful life.

But what purpose did I chase all my life? Who could I live and who could I die for? Who could live and die for me?

The latter question had numerous answers. I knew I was loved by people and I had people who were willing to lay their lives down for me but I didn't make their sacrifices worth it because I made a waste out of my being because in return, I lived for my life to satisfy and to worship a monster and now I am really going to lose my life because of the monster. All for what kind of fulfillment?

Vanity of course; Sex, Money, Power, Influence.

But somehow, as humans, we eventually always tend to realize what our purpose in life is but whether we would be graced to still be able to fulfill that purpose after realizing it is often times, not left to us to decide. Sometimes when we realize it, its already too late.

Just like it was in my case. How can I fulfill the purpose I've been created for when I was on my death bed with beeping machines showing the wave movements of my life in zig-zag signs, plasters laced on my palm, depending on a bag dripping with water or whatnot for survival?

But If, Just If I were to live even for one more week in good health, If the divine forces would give room for it, then I would waste no time in living for what I was called to live for. I knew there was a lot to reciprocate and I knew that I had to make the efforts of those who were willing and were able to sacrifice their life for me worth it.

The universe should be able to grant me that grace, shouldn't it?

My sister, Yemisi has been working too hard with Dan's case, investigating and visiting all of the dangerous places where Dan lived his life in the past all for the purpose of making him stay behind bars forever and I was lying aimlessly on a sickbed, knowing that she was suffering so much for my sake even when I wasn't deserving of the sacrifice.

I should certainly stay alive for that mere reason so I can carry my cross on my own and lift my excruciatingly painful burden off her shoulders and from the rest of my siblings as well because they were all going through a lot because of me. Causing them to worry and panic each time the doctor passed by to bring news of my health status alone was maddening. I brought all of the anguish I was wallowing in upon myself yet, I was making the people who love me suffer for it.

And my children?

Those little jewels didn't compel me to conceive them. I conceived them of my own accord and I must live for them if the universe is merciful enough. I loathed my mother for the things she did to me but I repeated the same mistakes she made but even in the worst way.

I was just as terrible as my mother if not worse and for that reason alone, I do not even deserve to live to see the next hour but if by chance the universe or the person who is in control of it (which I believe to be God) happens to show a tinge of compassion upon my soul and my life, then I would fulfill my purpose with all of the validity left in me.

I'd wasted so much time chasing the things I wasn't called to love for. I was called and created to serve and to make people happy especially the ones who rooted for me. I wasn't created to be a waste or an ungrateful person and it showed through the way I treated Dan, the immense love I had for Krystal, and the way I was willing to stick up for Mustafa when we were friends.

These people who came into my life were the tests put in place to help me discover my purpose.

Yet, I lived for that purpose in the wrong way. Now, I will reciprocate the love shown to me by the right people and I will give love to the people I ought to give my love and appreciation to.

God, if only you will hearken to my deepest very and allow me to survive through this furnace and give me a chance. Just one chance. That's all I need. If only you will heal me of this ailment that has caused me to sink in pain, gnash in discomfort, plunge deep into the wells of disgrace, make unforgettable and regrettable mistakes, spend so much money, and to long endlessly for normalcy. If only you will restore my sense of smell to normal. If only you will restore my validity, restore me. Restore all that I have lost both the things I'm aware of and things that I'm unaware of.

If only you will restore who I am, who I was meant to be ever since I was born. If only you will help me become that outstanding person I was called to be. If only you—

"I'm being for real sis! The President of Somalia is seriously slandering Cassie and Mustafa on the nation's newspapers and press interviews calling them fraudsters and fake business people who sold boxes of fake gemstones to them and invoking the wrath of the ministry of Azerbaijan. The President of Somalia wants to kill both of them!"

I forced my eyes to open when I heard my brother's terrifying voice from the other side of the door. Then tears slid out of my eyes. The tears I had been shedding on the inside, pleading desperately to my maker to restore me had streamed down defenseless.

Then, I tried to get up from my sickbed but I felt that squeeze again, threatening to suck the last thread of my existence that's left if I made one more attempt to remove the oxygen mask fixed to my nose and lips or to get up from my death bed to stop my family from lamenting over the greedy decisions I made. Captivity.

I knew that feeling too well. It was more than just my ailment holding me back from fighting my wars, there was something else and it wouldn't let me break free. Were these the chains that I couldn't see with my physical eyes? Chains that have held me captive all my life. Were they the same chains holding me back on my death bed?.

"God..." Another tear slipped through my eyes once I made an attempt to voice out my deepest desires. "...I-I don't know if you answer prayers but will you please answer this one? Would you please set me free?"

Will you?...

Won't you?

Please? Please, God. Please...

I'm beggi—

Then I heard the loud beeping of the machines beside me. They were louder than ever and the lines were all moving in a rapid motion. I screwed my eyes shut tightly, as more painful tears slipped through.

Why are these machines making so much noise? And why are these chains getting heavier? What is happening to me? And why is everything getting in the way of my prayers being heard by God?

Would these machines stop beeping for a minute? SHUT IT! LET ME LIVE!

Then everything went still. I heard nothing. Even the machines had eventually seemed to sense my boiling, pent up, anger. Slowly as my eyes stayed shut, out of their own will, I started to hear the swishing and the hissing of palm trees, it got louder till I'd begun to feel the breeze, whistling soundlessly against my eardrums.

Then I saw it physically. The palm trees, and the sea.

The sea.

I could see the sea. I could no longer see the shore nor hear the waves rising and falling to meet at the land level. Instead, I could see the middle of the sea and the surrounding of water all around me. I could feel my feet floating bottomlessly into the depths of the ocean, but somehow, I was able to continue with my walk.

Then I realized, that this was the sea where I was trying to drown myself in a month ago, so I could go meet my Dad.

The sea was back...

It was back to take me to the place I had always wanted to go to...

***

Exodus 14:14 - "The Lord will fight for you and you will hold your peace."