Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Author’s POV

Cara had tears in her eyes. Fresh tears were continuously flowing from her eyes on her face.

Her heart was in pain and it was getting hard for her to endure this amount of pain after going through what happened yesterday.

But she still gathered all of her energy and lifted her legs to make her way towards her room. She tried wiping the tears from her face but it didn’t help at all.

More fresh tears were still streaming down on her face.

As soon as she was out of sight, Chase plopped down on the couch. He ran his hand through his hairs in frustration.

After few minutes she came out of her room. He lifted his eyes up to find her walking towards him.

He thought she went in her room to gather her luggage but she came out of her room with a first aid kit in her hand.

He was staring at her face in confusion. She was still crying, it means she was definitely hurt by his words. But then why isn’t she getting angry at him in return, why isn’t she leaving his house?

She sat down beside him on the couch and tried to take his hand in hers. He moved his hand away and asked in his coldest tone, “What the f**k are you trying to do?”

Cara again tried wiping her tears and spoke, “Chase…” and her voice cracked. She took in deep breath and whispered, “Show me your hand”.

He started shouting, “Don’t you under…” but his words died down in his throat when she whispered again, “Please…”.

He swallowed the lump in his throat with great difficulty. The pain in her eyes, her tears were causing his heart to squeeze in pain.

But he was trying his best to not show his emotions to her. Before he forgets about everything and pulls her into his arms, he decided to get away from her.

But she didn’t let him. Just when he was about to get up, she held his hand in hers. She started examining the wounds on his knuckles and he just stared at her face in disbelief.

If it was in the past she wouldn’t have been able to see these bloody knuckles of his.

But right now she didn’t have any fear in her heart except of losing him.

She was about to open the first aid box which she had put on the coffee table beside her when he held her hand in his, stopping her.

“What are you doing Cara? Didn’t you hear what I said earlier? Why are you examining my wounds when I said all that sh*t to you just few minutes ago, huh?” he asked in desperation.

He didn’t know how long he will be able to endure watching her tears. He needs her to go away from him before he loses his focus.

Cara again stared into the pool of those gray orbs which were having a storm of emotions going on in them right now.

“Do you think I am so stupid that I will believe your words just like that?” his eyes slightly widened.

“Your eyes speak much more than your mouth ever does Chase. You can lie to me as much as you want with that mouth of yours but your eyes…” she paused as her eyes moved from his one eye to another, to see more emotions starting to swirl in them.

“They can’t. Your eyes always speak what’s in your heart” she said and a lone tear left his eye.

Cara lifted her hand to cup his face and he instantly leaned into her touch. She wiped his tear with her thumb as she continued.

“The amount of pain your eyes were reflecting when you were saying all that sh*t to me, was the proof that your words were hurting you the most, more than they were hurting me” she said.

He couldn’t care about anything else anymore and just wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her closer. He buried his face in the crook of her neck.

He inhaled her scent in order to keep himself sane.

“I am sorry Cara, I really am. I am sorry for saying all that. But I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know any other way than this to protect you from me” he whispered against her skin.

Cara pulled away from the hug but his hold was still strong around her.

“Why do you think I need protection from you?” she asked him in confusion.

He shook his head, “I thought I was trying to protect you from others all this time. But I didn’t know I was the one who was hurting you the most. I didn’t know anything, I didn’t know…”

“Until you fainted because of your panic attack yesterday in front of my eyes”.

Flashback...

Cara was talking with Sapphire in the party. She was aware about Chase’s concerned gaze on her. That is why she was trying her best to stay in the range of his eyesight.

Cara was laughing at Sapphire’s childhood photo that she was showing when she heard a loud sound of table breaking.

And her eyes fell on the raging Chase. She gulped in fear, seeing the look of craziness in his eyes.

Chase kicked the guy in his gut and her heart thumped against her ribcage. Her anxiety started kicking in.

She wanted to stop him just like last time she did in the cafeteria one month ago. But that time medicines were already in her system, which helped her in fighting the panic attack.

But right now she can’t do the same thing. She knew he was fighting for her but her fears weren’t loosening their grip on her heart.

She fumbled with her bag to take her medicine box out. Sapphire helped her and took out her medicines, handing her two pills.

Cara was about to put the pills in her mouth when she heard the sound of glass breaking when Chase smashed a bottle of whiskey on another guys head.

Her wide eyes extended even more and her breath got stuck in the back of her throat. The pills fell from her hand, as a very painful memory resurfaced in her mind, with that sound of glass shattering.

She was frightened, her heartbeat had increased, she was sweating, trembling due to fear.

All those past memories started replaying in her mind in a slow motion, as if she was living through that same thing again.

Suddenly she found herself sitting in the corner of her old bedroom, with a nine year old Cara who was shivering in fear.

She started hearing the sound of footsteps approaching her room. She heard the door of bedroom clicking open.

Then she heard the sound of glass shattering and she could feel her heart sinking in the pit of her stomach.

Cara snapped out of her past memories when Sapphire shook her. She was already having a panic attack.

She wasn’t seeing Chase in front of her eyes right now. She was seeing someone else. Ben was not the one getting hit in her eyes, she was the one who was being abused in her mind.

She was seeing someone else. Someone who is responsible for this fear in her heart.

When Chase smashed the chair on Ben’s head, she lost it completely and lost her consciousness.

Chase strode towards her when he saw her unconscious body. All of his anger vanished instantly and feeling of a very strange type of fear settled into his gut.

His mind went completely numb. He didn’t know what to do after seeing her in such unconscious state.

He was just sitting beside her, with blank expression on his face, but lots of pain in his heart and eyes.

Until John put his hand over Chase’s shoulder, bringing him back to reality.

“I have called doctor, Chase please take her to my room” Sapphire said to him.

He quickly picked her up bridal style. He made her lie down on the bed and sat down beside her, holding her hand in his.

His heart was drumming in his chest. His fear was increasing with every passing second. He should have been asking, what happened to Cara? Why did she faint?

But his mind wasn’t working at this moment. He just wanted her to gain her consciousness again.

Doctor arrived and Chase got up from bed to make way for her, so that she can check up on Cara.

After examining Cara, doctor was about to ask something when her eyes fell on the bottle of medicine on nightstand beside her bed. Sapphire had put the bottle there after entering into her room.

Doctor took the medicine bottle in her hand and asked, “Are these hers?”

“Yes doctor. Actually…” Sapphire paused and lifted her eyes up to look at Chase who was already staring at her in confusion. He didn’t know that Cara was taking some kind of medicines.

And that was because she never told him anything. She even told Sapphire to keep the truth about her health condition a secret.

Sapphire sighed while apologizing to Cara in her head for breaking her promise and said, “Actually she has PTSD. She can’t tolerate violence. She gets severe panic attacks if she witnesses any kind of violence”.

It came out as a big shock for Chase. His heart stopped beating for a moment when he heard the word PTSD.

He didn’t know. He f**king didn’t know. She never told him. He couldn’t have known, right?

But then his mind went back to their second meeting, when they met in the college hallway. She was trembling, she looked terrified at that time. She had flinched away from his bloody knuckles.

Then slowly, all the moments when he was fighting with someone in front of her eyes started playing in his head. Reminding him of her scared face, the fear in her eyes.

It was always there, in front of his eyes. Whenever he used violence in front of her, the fear was clear in her eyes all the time.

But he couldn’t understand. He couldn’t understand her fear, her pain, her miseries.

He knows the effect PTSD has on someone. He knows it very well. He knows how your trauma can bring you back to those horrible moments of your life and leaves you there. All alone.

But he made her go through all that pain, all that suffering and he didn’t pay any attention to it.

He thought he was protecting her but he didn’t know that she needed protection from a monster like him. Who never cares about others pain.

He thought he was changing for better. He thought he was becoming a person who cares for someone.

But no, he wasn’t. He didn’t even care for his Cara’s pain.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he couldn’t even hear what doctor and sapphire talked about.

John squeezed Chase’s shoulder lightly, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“Okay, I have prescribed few more medicines for her. But I need to have a face to face conversation with her, to be able to help her with her problems” Doctor said and took her leave.

Chase was still taken aback by the new information. He was having his own internal battle where he was blaming himself for her condition.

Some time passed and John and George went out of her room, not wanting to make room feel crowded.

Chase was sitting on the bed beside her. His head was buried in his palms. He was having a very bad headache. He was dead worried for her. The fear in his heart was still there.

Sapphire was in the room too. She was sitting on the couch. Chase could have taken her home but he didn’t want to disturb her sleep.

He was thinking that he will take her back after she wakes up. That is why he was waiting for her to gain her consciousness.

Suddenly, Cara started squirming in her sleep. She started sweating again. Chase went on his knees beside her, taking her hand in his, he tried caressing her head softly.

“Cara…” he whispered and his voice literally trembled. His heart was shaking upon seeing her in this condition.

She started whimpering in her sleep as if she was in a lot of pain. She was having nightmare.

He was about to wake her up when she woke up with a jerk. She had tears in her eyes, her body was in tremors when her eyes fell on Chase.

A scream left her mouth and she scooted away from him in fear. She pushed herself in the headboard of the bed and her sobbing worsened.

On the other hand Chase was staring at her terrified figure with wide eyes. He felt a heart wrenching pain in his gut.

He tried swallowing the big lump that formed in his throat with great difficulty but he couldn’t.

He tried talking to her, “Cara… it’s…m..” but his words got stuck in the back of his throat when she whimpered out in pain, “Go away… don’t come close…”

Her words felt like a knife which pierced through his heart. The amount of pain he is feeling at the moment is something he has never felt before.

He was feeling like someone was ripping his heart apart. He got up from the bed and stumbled back on his feet.

Sapphire came to Cara and she buried her face in Sapphire’s shoulder, still sobbing uncontrollably.

Sapphire started caressing her back gently but her eyes were fixed on Chase. She was feeling sorry for him.

Anyone would have felt sorry for him at that moment. He was looking so heartbroken. For the first time he was not hiding his emotions behind his cold façade.

It’s because he was not in his right mind. His insides were squeezing in pain. He forgot everything else at this moment and only thing he could see was fear in her eyes.

He walked out of the room on his trembling legs. He rested his back against the wall beside the door. He again tried swallowing the lump.

His friends who were waiting outside came rushing to him when they saw him. They asked him what happened but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

After few minutes Sapphire came out of her room. Chase just looked at her face blankly.

“She fainted again. I think you should stay out here, we don’t know how she is going to react… when she sees you again” she said apologetically.

Chase listened to her. But instead of waiting he pushed himself off of the wall and started walking.

John called after him but he didn’t stop and kept walking.

“I am sorry Chase” Sapphire said from behind him but he just smiled sadly at her words. He increased his speed and came out of farmhouse.

He was about to open the door of his car when John came running behind him. He took the car keys from his hand.

Chase didn’t protest. He just sat down on the passenger seat and rested his head back on the seat. John started driving the car.

Before coming out he heard from Sapphire about the Cara’s reaction to Chase. He didn’t wait for a moment and came running behind his friend. He can’t let Chase drive in such condition.

He told George to stay behind and keep informing them about Cara’s condition.

Once in his apartment, Chase entered into his room and locked himself in. He sat on the floor beside his bed, throwing his head back on his bed, as a lone tear slid down from his eyes.

In the morning he came out of his room to find his friends already sitting on the couch in living room. George returned from farmhouse, half an hour ago.

He informed them that during whole night Cara didn’t wake up again. In the morning she woke up and was feeling a lot better than last night. Sapphire said that she will keep them updated about Cara, that is why he came back.

“What’s wrong with you man? Why are you being this way? You know why she might have reacted to you in such a way?” John said.

Chase lifted his eyes up to stare into John’s eyes and here, he was back to being his usual self. His eyes were cold as ice.

The only difference was that his eyes were bloodshot red, proof that he couldn’t sleep a wink last night.

“I have to let her go” He said blankly, shocking both John and George. They knew how strong Chase’s feelings were for Cara. They were sure that no one will be able to separate them, ever.

But here, he himself was talking about letting her go.

“It’s not necessary…” George started but was cut off when Chase said, “It is. I can’t keep her near me”.

“F**k, I shouldn’t have gotten so close with her in the first place. She is not for someone like me. She doesn’t belong with a monster like me” he said shaking his head.

“You are not monster Chase. You can change yourself for her” John said.

Chase chuckled humourlessly at his friend’s words, “You of all people should know it very well John that I can’t change. I can never change”.

“I am a beast, who can’t control his anger. Who can’t live without violence. You know that even if I try my best, even if my life is dependent on it, I will never be able to control my anger” he whispered the last part.

“She doesn’t think that way Chase. If she did, she wouldn’t have been with you for this long. She trusts you, she trusts that you will never hurt her” John tried to put some sense into his mind.

He again shook his head and started with a sad, painful smile on his lips, “But look at, what I am doing”.

“I am breaking her trust. I am hurting her. I have been hurting her continuously, since the beginning. Not physically but emotionally”.

“I can’t imagine, how she would have endured me, my violent behaviour” he said burying his face in his palms.

“But if you leave her alone, if you let her go, she might get in a bigger trouble Chase. You remember right why you planned on staying around her in the first place” George tried different method to convince him.

“I am letting her go doesn’t mean I won’t take care of her. I will protect her from distance when she is not looking. This way I can protect her from others and as well as from me” he said.

He has been thinking all night. He knew that he can’t just leave her alone where she can be in danger any time, any moment.

And this is the conclusion he reached. His friends didn’t have anything else to argue and change his mind.

After some time George’s phone buzzed. He checked it and said, “Cara’s here”.

Chase inhaled a sharp breath to prepare himself and do the thing he needs to do, to let her go.

Flashback end...

***

Present...

Cara cupped his face with her small trembling hands and whispered, “I am sorry, for making you feel that you are responsible for my condition”.

George and John decided to leave the couple alone. So they left his apartment.

Chase shook his head again as if he was disappointed in himself. “I didn’t know but I should have known. You were always this close to me”.

“But you didn’t know because I never told you Chase” she told him.

“Why? Why didn’t you? You should have told me if I was hurting you. You didn’t have to explain the reason to me”

“Even if you didn’t want to tell me about your past, you should have told me about your fear” he whispered.

His eyes were filled with sadness and pain.

“I am sorry. I wanted to tell you few times. But it isn’t easy Chase. It’s hard to share that part of my life. It’s painful”

“And I thought…” she stopped talking as her eyes widened.

‘What are you going to say Cara? Don’t do this. It will hurt him even more'.

Luckily she stopped herself at the right time, or maybe not.

Because Chase caught the hesitation in her eyes. “You thought?” he asked her with raised brows.

She shook her head in no, “Nothing…”

“Tell me Cara, what is it?” he asked her and this time more seriously.

Cara sighed, “I thought if I ever told you anything about my past or my fears… you will feel obligated to share yours too. And I didn’t want that. I wanted you to feel at ease and decide yourself when you want to open up about your past or your family”.

Cara always noticed the fear in his eyes whenever something related to his family came in between them.

Just like how one month ago when she first moved into his apartment. After his father left, she was curious to know about him. But when she saw that fear in his eyes, she changed her question to something else.

It happened on multiple occasions. And all the time same fear was reflecting in those orbs of his.

The fear that she might ask him to explain his relation with his father, or something else which he didn’t want to share at the moment.

A painfully sad chuckle left his mouth when he said, “I didn’t even let you open up in front of me. Even if you wanted to”.

“Chase…” she felt sad while seeing the pain in his eyes.

“That is the reason you should stay away from him. I have always hurt you and I am always going to. You will always be scared of me” he said as he started loosening his hold around her.

“That is why I have decided to let you go…” he was now completely off of her and was about to get up but Cara wasn’t ready yet.

She went on her knees and put her hand on his shoulders. He looked at her in confusion but before he knew what she was doing, she sat on his lap, straddling him.

He was surprised beyond anything. She was acting so bold and it was for the first time. She never even held his hand without him initiating any physical contact first. She was this shy.

But right now she wasn’t just touching him but was getting into very intimate position with him and he couldn’t believe it.

Even Cara doesn’t know from where she got this much courage to be this bold in front of him. But right now, she didn’t want anything else than to tell him that she can’t let him go.

“What…” he couldn’t complete his question as she grabbed his face between her palms and placed her lips over his and his body froze.

He couldn’t believe that she initiated this kiss. But soon his body relaxed against her soft one. His arms got wrapped around her waist and he let his eyes close, to savour this moment.

She slid her hands from his face to let them wrapped around his neck. Her fingers got buried in his hairs.

He pulled her impossibly closer, not leaving a space even for the air. His hold around her was firm and possessive and he knew at this moment that he can’t let her go.

He won’t be able to live without her.

She pulled away from the kiss and rested her head against his forehead. He opened his eyes to find her already staring into his orbs.

“Don’t do this Chase. We both know we can’t live without each other” she whispered over his lips. Her breath fanning his lips was calming the storm inside him.

“Don’t I scare you?” he asked after gulping hard.

She shook her head and buried her face in the crook of his neck, “You don’t”. His hold tightened around her.

“Yesterday as well, I wasn’t scared of you Chase. I wasn’t seeing you at that moment” she whispered.

He couldn’t help but ask, “Then who?”

She took in a long, deep breath and asked, “Would you like to hear my story?”