Chapter 53: Chapter 53

Elijah

Grey eyes hardened, turning dark as they surveyed the damage to his warm, familiar kitchen. He focused on the blackened counters, on the charred table. He focused on anything he could to keep the pain at bay.

Just like Leahne, Lily had seen him for what he truly was and left.

Without thinking, Elijah swept from his cabin. He couldn’t stand seeing what he had done. The evening sun heated his back and shoulders as he marched across his territory. He did not deserve such gentle caresses as afforded to him by the sun. He was a creature of fire; to revel in it after today made tears spring to his eyes. He could barely see by the time he reached the one place he knew he would find solace.

Elijah had been here twice before.

“No one will ever love you as I did,” Leahne swore in his ear, beckoning him down towards the river. “You are unlovable, for your past and for your lies. I do not wish to forget you, and forgiveness is an impossibility. I merely wish to pretend as though this never happened, and soon you shall mean nothing to me.”

Beside her Lily strode onwards, her expression forever marred by disgust. “What are you?” she spat, eyeing Elijah with raw contempt.

“I can’t help what I am,” he murmured, unable to look at either of them. The icy cold of Leahne’s gaze was easier to deal with than the vibrant gold-brown fire of Lily’s; the pain was older, and had been smoothed over more and more every passing day he had spent with Lily. But seeing her beside Leahne, their faces mirrored in their hatred for him, for what he was, was too much.

The riverbank was dry at the top. Elijah hesitated. Before, they had had rain, and the water had rushed onwards. It was now stale, still.

If he tested the mate bond, he could feel the echo of Lily’s heartbeat still. He could feel her fear, her panic. Fear and panic that had morphed into anger in a second.

“I can’t help what I am,” he said again, louder. He took a step towards the river. “I can’t help what I am!”

“I know,” said Lily, stepping alongside him. “I know, but you didn’t have to lie. Why did you lie to me, Elijah?”

A rising sob choked him. “Because I was scared.”

“Fear is a cage,” she said kindly. “It is cyclical. Fear caused this.”

Elijah took another step towards the water.

“This is what you deserve,” Leahne said, appearing on his other side. He turned to her, desperate, desolate. She linked her arm with his. “You are cursed, Elijah. You are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Second chance mates are unheard of, and you let yours slip through your fingers.”

“You were my second chance, too.” He turned back to Lily. She was holding back tears. “You stole it from me.”

River water soaked into his socks. He froze, water pooling around his ankles. The dropping sun dipped behind the tallest pines, and with the growing shadows the temperature had cooled. Ice bit at his skin. This was the bed he had made for himself.

He was fire incarnate. Like his mother. And, like his mother, water was the only element to temper him.

With Leahne and Lily pressing him on, Elijah took another step into the river. Cold water rose to just below his knees. He revelled in the chill, letting it creep up his bones.

He shuddered. Once, he had tried and failed to save his mother. Once, he had come here alone, Leahne’s words ringing in his mind. Then, the pain had overwhelmed him. He had loved her, and she had let him go. And now –

Now he had let Lily down. Why had he lied? This was his penance. This was what he deserved.

“You were my second chance, too,” Lily whispered in his ear. Elijah froze.

This was what he deserved. But was it what Lily deserved?

“Elijah!”

He blinked. Lily and Leahne blurred into nothingness, their edges seeping away in the wake of reality joining him.

Was this real? Elijah turned, water sloshing further up his legs.

“Elijah, stop!”

A male voice joined the female, just as panicked and shrill. Elijah squinted through the haze, fear making his whole body tense. He checked his hands, his arms, terrified that his pain had made fire blaze from his palms once more; just as it had when Lily had gone, his question left unanswered. And now, now he would never know if she had wanted to be his Luna or not.

She had never stepped into the role of Young Luna as Leahne had. Despite her quarrel with violence, she had remained a Warrior Wolf in title, though his pack – their pack – had afforded her the respect of a Luna. Elijah feared that he had his answer without her ever needing to speak it.

Lily was perfect for the role. But did she see it that way?

And if he continued into his downward spiral, would he ever know, truly, without his panic and pain clouding his judgement, what she felt? Lily was not Leahne; she had run, but she had perhaps not left him. Elijah swallowed and sighed and then, at last, he saw those who had come to find him.

Relief made his body sag. He fell to his knees in the river. Cold water splashed his face and rose up to his chest, soaking his clothes and weighing him down.

“Elijah! Damn it, you complete idiot–“

That was Caslein. And there was Ithia by his side, shaking her head at Cas’s insubordinate language even as tears streaked her cheeks.

He had allowed his emotions to get the better of him. But the cool clarity of the water was no longer his enemy. He rose with it, standing tall from the soft lapping of the river. It was no longer an overwhelming force, a counterbalance to his overwhelming fire. It had become the easy darkness of twilight, the peace that came with the setting of the sun and the revelations that appeared in the spaces between the stars.

“Are you hurt?” Ithia asked, rushing down to the water’s edge to grab him. Her own leggings and tunic soaked through, and then she was holding him in her arms, her tall, lean frame clutching at him.

“I’m fine.” The words were heaved out of his too-tight chest. “But Lily – Lily might not be. It happened again,” he said, his voice catching on a sob.

“Come here,” sighed Caslein, stepping onto the riverbank and taking one of their hands in each of his. Ithia and Elijah slipped back up the slope, and then all three of them collapsed in a heap on the dry, straw-like grass.

“I’m sorry,” said Elijah, his voice muffled by the press of their bodies against his. “That you found me here again. It was a mistake.”

“What happened?” asked Ithia. She rolled onto her side and propped herself up on one elbow. She did not seem to mind that her clothes were wet through and clinging to her, or that the dry grass was prodding her skin. Her hazel eyes met his, unabashed and unrestrained kindness flowing through them.

It was a different kindness than the one his imagination had shown. It was true and it was gentle. His mind could not understand such care, and his heart ached in the face of such love.

On his other side, Caslein nudged him. The smooth jewel on his middle finger was hard and cold, and it helped to ground Elijah. His hallucinations had been replaced by the reality of his friends, and he eased back into their world slowly.

Elijah swallowed hard. His throat bobbed. “I know you just mean tonight, Ith. And I will explain. But… I think it’s time I told you everything.”

* * *

“The bond allowed you to find her once before,” said Ithia.

Night had fallen. The river was a dark, glittering snake, curling around their feet as they spoke. Elijah had spared no detail; once the truth had arisen, it had been impossible to curb. He had spoken until his throat turned dry and sore, and his woeful story had reached its unhappy conclusion.

But there was hope in it, in him, now. Ithia and Caslein had heard everything, from Leahne to Lily to his parents, and they understood. They had not run.

So maybe Lily hadn’t either. She’d needed time to think about his proposition before. This was bigger, more daunting, than even becoming Sea Pine’s Luna.

“I will find her,” Elijah swore. “I will make this right.”

“I know you will.” Ithia smiled tightly at him.

“You’ve given her time,” added Caslein. “She may even be waiting for you at home.”

“I hope so.” Elijah wrung his hands together. “There are patrols out, of course, but I fear what she may encounter in the forests. Mossmen, bowstrings, lengathuls – she is strong, but scared.”

“Then go get her.” Caslein bumped his side with his elbow. “She is not the wolf you first brought home to us. She can take care of herself now.”

Elijah wet his lips. Fear churned in his gut. Lily had given the eleves a good run for their money before two full months of training with his pack. She had been born into Blood Moon, the most ruthless pack of all. Her reluctance to fight did not come from fear for herself. He knew that now. It came from fear for her opponent; fear of what she might do.

He did not dare admit that that scared him most of all. She had run once before and not only survived the transition, but thrived. Would she do so again?

“I know,” he said, after a pause too long. “I know she can.”

They stood. “We’ll check the perimeter,” offered Caslein. “And ask around the patrols. See if anyone has seen her.”

“Don’t ask anyone.” Elijah shook his head. “Lily was to be a figurehead of stability for us as our new Luna.” He ignored the shock of pain at what he and Sea Pine might have lost. “If the pack find out she’s missing, I worry that fear will tear us apart before Red Ripper or Blood Moon reach us.” He glanced up at the moon, terror at the sight of the sliver missing lancing his heart. The full moon was not far away.

The fact of his own foolishness reared its head. If he had allowed himself to sink into the sadness of the river, what would Sea Pine have done against the two rapidly converging threats facing them? Ithia was a good Beta, and Caslein a good Gamma; Elijah had every faith in their abilities, but the Alpha was just as much a figurehead as he had hoped Lily to be. He was the glue that held them together, in prosperous times and in the rough.

“I’ll run the perimeter,” offered Ithia. “Cas can check within the territory. Is there anywhere she’s likely to have gone?”

“The look out point, perhaps?”

Ithia nodded. “On it, Alpha.”

Caslein gave him a mock salute, and something in Elijah’s chest eased. No matter what, he had them.

“Thank you. Both of you.” Elijah brought a hand to his heart, and then he returned to his home.

As he walked, he deciphered his plan. He would check the cabin and, should Lily not be there, he would strap his sword to his back, pack a small ration of food, and he would search into the night using their bond. Failure to find her was not an option.

When he arrived, Nirmana was stood outside, her small frame trembling. She gasped for breath. “Alpha! Alpha Elijah!”

Her blonde hair was spilling loose from its braid. Rabbit-like front teeth bit at her bottom lip. Her whole body shook with the effort of forcing words out.

“Speak freely, Nirmana.” Elijah crouched down, wanting to soothe her even as panic drove a sword through his chest.

“The Red Ripper pack have been sighted by the north-eastern patrol!”