Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Marcy's P.O.V

Wednesday...

I sigh as I flip the pancake in the pan and watch the edges sizzle.

After breakfast there will be nothing else to do...no one else to see.

Ty has been busy with classes ever since the burial and visiting Maya and Haley was becoming...too much.

What am I supposed to do?

"Marcella?" Kyle's voice comes from behind me and I quickly force a smile and a lighter tone.

"Hey." I say as I plate his breakfast and put it on the table.

I dont attempt to look at him because I can feel his gaze on me and he would read me instantly if our eyes met.

"Juice or coffee?" I ask as I grab a mug and open the fridge.

"Uh...coffee." he says behind me and I head for the coffee maker.

As i hold the jug under it and wait for the coffee to be ready, i hear Kyle's steady footsteps behind me and then his hands come around my waist.

"You okay?" He asks and I shrug out of his hold as i grab the coffee maker.

"Fine. Here's your coffee." I say and keep the mug full of black coffee next to his plate.

I pour a cup for myself and stir cream and sugar into it, all the while too aware that Kyle is still standing behind me...unwilling to touch his breakfast.

"I guess I'll see you after work." I say and head for the stairs when he stops me.

"Marcella." He says, trying to raise my chin to look at him.

"I'm fine Kyle."

"Look at me." He says and I shut my eyes close as i take a deep breath, preparing myself to look into those endlessly blue eyes...eyes that I haven't stared at for days now.

I look at him with a straight face, trying not to go with the urgent need to pour out everything, every feeling, every regret just by simply staring right at him.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" He asks softly and I shrug.

"A little." I lie.

Since the day at the hospital, I had been having nightmares and Kyle would usually run into my room and wake me up.

Then he would softly calm me down and tell me my screaming woke him up.

Most times I won't scream, I'd just wake up in a pool of my own sweat and when I can't sleep back, I'd go to his room and lie in bed with him.

Those were the only times we ever seemed to sleep together anymore...

Sometimes I won't even meet him, I'd just stay awake and drink coffee until dawn,...like last night.

"Do you feel tired? You look tired--"

"I just told you I'm fine, didn't I?" I say to him, wishing he would stop with the pity questions.

He doesn't seem to be affected by my attitude however and he just sighs.

"Okay. I just want to let you know that I won't be back for dinner. We're having a small dinner party at Holly's house because of--"

"That's great. Have fun." I say and grab my coffee, turning to back him as I face the sink.

I don't turn back until I hear the door open and then close.

And then the tears come.

It's been happening a lot lately...the crying. Out of nowhere. I push the coffee aside and bury my face in my hands, reviewing my every regret, my mistakes....my faults.

Kyle's P.O.V

I shut the door and stay still for a moment in the living room so she won't figure out that I'm still around.

And then I hear her sobbing. Silent, yet audible enough.

It's the worst sound. An echo of her sadness and something I don't want to get used to.

Especially since I hear it almost every night that I'm not in bed with her.

"Marcella." I say softly as I walk into the kitchen and she turns to me.

"What....what are you.... I thought you left." She says between sobs as I approach her.

"I cant leave you like this."

"Well, I don't need you right now." She says defiantly, with her tear-streaked face.

"Maybe not. But I want to be here for you." I say and she moves backwards, away from me.

"Don't you hear me? I don't need you. I especially don't want you to be here for me. You've got better things to do, so just go." She says and turns away as she heads for the stairs but I grab her.

"Marcy--"

"Let me go, Kyle! Leave me alone!" She yells, struggling against my grip but I pull her to me and hold her in a tight hug.

"I don't need you!" She is yelling.

"You can't bring him back...you can't. So just go." She cries as her struggle weakens and she buries  her face in my shoulder.

We stay like that for a few minutes and I don't let her go until her crying stops.

"I have to show you something...will you come with me?" I ask slowly and she just nods.

*****

Marcy's P.O.V

The park Kyle takes me to is old, I can tell because of the dried up pond and scanty trees. It's almost at the outskirt of the city and the place is completely empty.

"What are we doing here?" I ask as i come out and he opens the trunk of his car.

"Don't worry, it's safe." He says and I turn to watch him fill up a balloon with a hydrogen tank in the trunk.

The balloon has the word 'REGRETS' written across and he ties it with a string as he brings it to me.

"Here." He says, handing me the string as he takes off his suit jacket.

"What....what's going on?" I ask as I look up at the balloon, swishing effortlessly above.

Kyle walks up to stand beside me now, looking at the ballon as well.

"I can't say I know what you're going through. I can't say I know what it's like to lose a parent. I can't say I feel your pain. But Marcella,..."

He turns to face me now.

"I can say I know the pain of losing someone...because I feel I'm losing you. Everyday I wake up and you're either crying or stress cleaning...you're becoming more and more of a shadow of yourself. You're quiet often, and the rare times that you talk, you yell."

I can feel the tears cloud my eyes at his words, at the pain in them.

"I know I can't relate with the pain you're going through so it's not your fault that you're this way. But I also know you can't live with the pain forever. Letting it wear you down is not a way of honouring your dad or his memories. It's also not a way of justifying the regrets that you have. Don't let this pain eat you because you judge yourself." He says and I look away because I can feel the tears escaping.

His hand is on my shoulder now and he turns me to face him.

"I just want you to look up at this balloon, and simply voice out everything you're regretting. Picture your words filling up the space in the balloon...then just...let it go."

I blink at his words, despite the tears.

"Kyle, this is--"

"Just do it. I'll be waiting." He says and moves away to stand behind me.

I turn to look up at the red balloon now, swishing and drifting in the air with the bold word written across in black.

"I...I don't know what to say." I mutter but Kyle stays silent.

"I guess,...well,.." I begin, my gaze planted on the floating peice of rubber.

Then the words spill,

"He wanted grandchildren, so badly. When he stayed at home with us, he always talked about the trips he would take with them...and I wasn't able to do that. Now he is gone...." my voice chokes up, but I keep talking.

"I shouldn't have let them take him away. I-I should have kept him--kept him home with me. I should have treated him."

My legs give way now and I drop to my knees.

"And if he wanted to find my mother so badly,...by God, I should have helped him. I should have done everything in my power to find her. For him."

The tears dont stop pouring as the memory of the last time I saw him alive remains in my head.

He didn't stop asking about her.

Asking if we spoke to her.

"I should have let him call me Amelia by all means, if that's what it took. I-I should have picked up the fucking phone when the hospital called.... But I just let it ring. I'm such an idiot." I cry now.

"I let it ring and they needed me there. He was dying. He needed me. Why?!.... Why didn't I just fulfill one of his wishes. Just one."

I don't know how Kyle ended up beside me, but the minute I feel his hand on my back, I completely break down in his embrace and bury my face.

"I should have been there...I should have..." I cry and his firm hands hold me closer than ever.

He doesn't say anything till I'm done crying and emptied every single tear I have left.

Listening to the soft thuds of his heartbeat, I can't help but feel a deep, genuine relief.

Still in the comfort of his arms, I turn a little to look at the red balloon, swaying in the wind.

Taking a deep breath, my fingers give way and I let go of the string. The balloon swiftly drifts off and I lean back into Kyle's hold.

"Are you still going for your dinner party tonight?" I ask after minutes of the best silence.

"Yeah...why?" He asks, his fingers running through my hair.

"I want to come with you." I say and turn a little to look at him.

More than anything, I want to just stay here with him. But the past few weeks, I've probably been nothing but a burden to him. Crying, mood swings, nightmares....and he skipped work today just to be with me.

"Are you sure?" He asks, looking a little worried but I maintain my enthusiasm.

"Yes." I say. It was his breakthrough at work, his accomplishment, his night.

I just want to be there for him just as he is here for me.

"I'm sure." I add.

I just want to be happy for him and celebrate with him.

A nice quiet dinner with his colleagues.

There is nothing to worry to about....