Chapter 20: Chapter 20

I slip inside my black dress, pulling my hair to one side so I can fasten it from the back. My fingers are trembling so it takes me three times before I'm successful. I can taste the makeup on my lips and I push my tongue out, wetting my bottom one. I don't like the feeling of it. I haven't worn it for so long, it now feels alien against my skin. I reach for a makeup wipe from my dressing table and run it over my lips, removing the stained nude.

Every action I carry out feels like a movie playing through my mind. Inside, I feel emotionless, numb. I've detached myself from the world because I can't seem to find any purpose anymore.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I barely register the deep dark circles underneath my eyes. I don't see the lightning bolts of red veins shooting through the white in my eyes. I don't make out the hollow dip in my cheek bones or the ashy, almost zombie-like tone to my skin.

I stay rooted to the spot, staring at myself in the mirror for what seems like an eternity. My hand reaches out, still trembling and presses against the glass of the mirror. It feels cool under my skin and I lean forward, resting my forehead against the glass. I close my eyes and count the inhale and exhale of my breaths.

One. Two. Three.

A quiet knock on my temporary bedroom door causes me to take a step back.

"Come in." I say robotically, the words tumbling out of my mouth in monotone. The door creaks open, revealing my father, dressed in a suit. His hair is styled and swept back, the small amount of gel glistening in the light. His eyes mirror mine, emotionless, dead.

"Are you ready sweetheart?" He asks quietly, his eyes dropping to the floor. He hasn't made eye contact with me once in the past two weeks. It's like he can't bear to see the pain displayed in my eyes.

"Yes, I'm ready." I whisper. He inhales a sharp breath, outstretching his arm towards me. I instantly wrap my hand in his, the small amount of human interaction doing little to snap me out of the numb state I'm in.

"Lets go."

Before I leave, I turn around and take a look at my new bedroom. The walls are bare, no sign of personality. A small single bed in the corner of the room is covered in a white sheet and I only have the bare necessities. Displayed directly in the middle of my bed is a single teddy bear. It's fur is matted due to the years of being glued to Leroy's side. One of its beady eyes have almost come detached from the stuffed toy.

I remember the first time Leroy laid eyes on Alfie, it was Christmas morning. He ran down the stairs two at a time, almost tripping over his own feet due to the excitement of opening his presents.

"Look Trisha! Santa has been!" He squealed in excitement, clutching onto my hand and dragging me towards the tree. I remember rubbing my eyes because I was simply exhausted from partying the night before. I should have been more excited, for him.

"Leroy, baby, I'm tired." I mumbled, dropping myself down onto the floor beside the tree. He ignored my un-enthusiasm and began to drag presents from the tree. I remember the way his little face lit up as he tore the wrapping paper off.

"Look Trisha, look! It's a teddy!" He squealed, clutching the stuffed bear in his arms. I nodded my head, giving him a small smile. I'd seen the bear at a toy shop a few days previous and I knew he'd love it. I reached out and pried the teddy away from him, holding him up in my arms.

"He's adorable, isn't he? Look at his little bow tie." I pointed out. Leroy nodded, a wide smile lighting up his face. I placed the teddy bear down onto my knee, sitting it upright. In a gruff voice, I made it speak to Leroy.

"Hello there Leroy, I'm your new friend. What do you want to call me?"

Leroy's giggle filled the room. He sat back, pondering his decision before finally yelling at the top of his voice.

"Alfie! Alfie the bear!"

I thought it was a perfect name.

"Okay Leroy. My name is Alfie, it's nice to meet you! Merry Christmas!" I made the bear speak, bobbing his head up and down. Leroy giggled again, reaching out to take a hold of Alfie the bear. He clutched it under his arm before throwing himself down between my legs and wrapping his other arm around my neck.

"I love Alfie the bear," he murmured, his chubby little fingers playing with the bears bow tie. I wrapped my arms around him in a tight embrace.

"I think Alfie the bear loves you too." I smiled, pressing a kiss again his temple. Leroy and Alfie became inseparable since that day. Wherever Leroy went, so did Alfie. Sometimes when Leroy broke something, he'd blame it on Alfie. I'd roll my eyes and go along with it because his large innocent eyes were too adorable.

I'd do anything to go back to that Christmas morning. It was just the two of us, Leroy and I. Mum slept the entire day due to her hangover and Dad was away on business. I remember his little face saddening when I told him Dad wouldn't be joining us. He cried whilst waiting by the window, waiting for a Christmas miracle to poof our father to us. In the end, I distracted him using Alfie the Bear.

Alfie is the only possession of Leroy's I have left.

Alfie - such a sweet and simple name. A name so pure, just like Leroy.

I drop my fathers hand and walk towards the stuffed bear, picking it up gently. The fur feels soft despite the years of over-use. I lift the teddy up, inhaling it's scent. It's still there, the faintest trace. If I close my eyes and wrap my arms around myself, it's almost like I'm embracing Leroy himself. I sleep with the teddy bear every single night, sometimes lying wide awake with it in my arms.

I clutch the bear to my heart, gripping onto it so tightly in fear that I'm going to lose it. I can't lose the only thing I have left of him.

"Trisha," Dad murmurs quietly from behind me. I pause, turning around slowly. His eyebrows are knotted together and when he glances down at the bear in my hands, his eyes fill up with tears.

"Can I bring it with me?" I ask quietly. Dad sniffles, reaching up to wipe a stray tear that's fallen down his cheek. He simply responds back with a nod of his head, outstretching his arm again for me to take hold of. I slip my hand into the crook of his elbow and he guides me out of the small room.

Waiting outside is a hearse, carrying a tiny coffin. The name LEROY is placed beside it, created entirely from baby blue and yellow flowers.

Those were his favourite colours.