Chapter 43: Chapter 43

Nate's POV

Ethan and I didn't talk a word on Friday. Actually I didn't see him at all. He didn't join us for lunch. Gavin said Ethan had to urgently meet the football coach during lunch.

I too was relieved about not seeing him. After yesterday's incident, I'm nervous to even look at him. I mean he was going to kiss me at the theatre.

What I feared exactly happened. I don't know what actually Ethan want from me or how he sees me but one thing is clear, he isn't straight. He is interested in me that way.

I don't know what to do. I feel nervous and scared.

I'm clearly not interested in him. I'm not attracted to boys first of all. And he freaking looks like my brother. I just see Alex in him and how the hell am I gonna...

I don't even want to continue talking about that.

It's all my fault actually. Seeing Alex in him, I got close to him. He might have mistaken it for attraction or something. I shouldn't have got that intimate with him.

But yesterday with my response to him, I believe I gave him the clue that I'm not interested in him that way. I hope he stop with that behaviour towards me and we can be normal friends. But again after yesterday's incident I'm not sure whether we will be able to behave normally anymore.

Grace was saying at lunch that she isn't going to her Dad on weekend and was staying at dorm. Gavin too said he isn't going. They both were planning something for us to make the weekend enjoyable. Gavin said he asked Ethan too to stay but Ethan told him that he had to urgently go home. But I know he is just nervous to face me.

However, at last moment Grace's Dad came and picked her unexpectedly. And then Gavin also packed his stuff and walked out of the dorm, disappointed. He said he was gonna catch the train at 6pm. And again I was alone at dorm.

Weekend was really peaceful. I ate, slept, studied and watched movies. No body came to disturb. Grace was constantly messaging to make sure I was alright. She is scared I'll again pick a razor blade and start cutting.

On Sunday afternoon I actually felt like cutting. Loneliness was seeping into me and I couldn't bear it. My arms itched to be cut. But I somehow controlled myself. It was a hard task. I thought of taking sleeping pills, so that I will fall into the land of dreams and then I will know nothing. But Grace's messages prevented me from doing that.

And I had finally fell asleep at 9 or 10 PM with the relieving thought that tomorrow Grace will come and then she will give me company. But I was also nervous about meeting Ethan. At the same time a part of me wanted to see him actually. He had not messaged or called me after Thursday night. Someway I missed seeing him and talking to him.

At midnight, I woke up to my phone ringing continuously. I reached for my phone from near my lamp and saw it was Ethan calling. I looked at the time. It was 1: 14 Am. I felt nervous. Why was he calling me at that time ?

I didn't pick the call. But then my WhatsApp was filling with Ethan's messages. I went and read them. He was continuously asking me whether I was alright. He was pleading me to pick his call.

At last I picked the call.

" Michael, are you alright?", Ethan asked in a really nervous and concerned voice from the other side of the line as soon as I answered the call.

" Why wouldn't I be a..alright ? The bullies are all expelled from school. I was s..sleeping peacefully. Why you decided to r..ruin my sleep ?", I asked.

" You...you didn't hurt yourself, right ?", he asked.

I left a sigh. " I didn't. But you don't need to w..worry this much about me, Ethan. Who am I to you ?"

" You are someone important to me Michael.", he said. " I can't stop worrying about you. I'm sorry Michael. I'm sorry for avoiding you and not calling you yet. I wanted to call you before, but I was....I was nervous after.....", he hesitated.

" Then wh..why you called me now?", I asked cutting him off.

" I was so freaking worried. I just saw a bad dream and woke up.", he said irritably.

" What bad dream ?", I asked.

" It isn't important. The thing is whether you are alright."

" I s..said I'm alright.", I scoffed. " Can you let me sleep ? It's 1 Am."

" Okay..you may sleep. But I wanna talk to you tomorrow. I'll come there early.", he said. I was silent feeling nervous. What does he want to talk to me ?

" Goodnight Michael. I'm so sorry for ruining your sleep. I couldn't help but call and hear your voice now. I was so worried. Ahmm..I will hang up now. Goodnight. See you tomorrow.", he said and ended the call.

I didn't sleep after that.

Knock was heard on my door at about 7:30 Am. I was sure it was Ethan. And I was prepared for the meeting with him, though I was a lot nervous. Whole night I was thinking what to tell him and I had gathered a few words and sentences.

I crawled out of the bed and went to the door. After taking a deep breathe, I opened the door. As expected Ethan was standing in front of me. After looking at my face for a brief second in concern, he was quickly looking at my arm.

" I haven't cut.", I said.

He walked in heaving a sigh. Then he closed the door behind. My heart was starting to thud unnaturally fast. I backed away as he moved closer to me.

" Let’s s..sit and talk.", I said and went to my bed. I sat down at one far edge of the bed. He slumped down at the opposite end and tilted his head to me. He stared at me for a few seconds and I felt my heart beats racing even faster. It was now knocking like crazy against my ribs.

" Michael...., you make me feel strange feelings that I haven't felt towards anyone else.", he confessed. He was staring at my face but I was avoiding his gaze. Although I was prepared for something like this, now when he was saying it for real, I could literally hear the pounding of my heart in my ears.

" Michael, can you look at me please ?", he asked.

I hesitantly looked at his eyes after a moment. He raised a little from the bed and moved closer to me while my heart thudded like crazy.

Ethan then stared deep into my eyes with those light brown irises. It was Alex's eyes again.

"After I saw you, I can't help but think about you the whole time. Your baby blue eyes makes me crazy.”, he uttered in a whisper. “ I tried a lot to ignore these feelings. But I can't. Last two days I was feeling like crazy thinking about you and not able to see you. I was so fucking worried knowing you are alone here. Michael, I don't seriously know why I'm feeling like this towards you. I haven't felt attracted towards a boy before. But I know you affects me so freaking much. I think I like you."

He confessed looking in my eyes. I had goose bumps littered on my arm. I was feeling tingles in my whole body. It's the first time someone confessing to me.

I never thought someone will actually like me and confess to me. Why would someone like me ? I'm just a stupid boy with the stupid stutter.

But now a boy is confessing to me for real. A boy literally looking like my brother. His eyes staring deep into my soul tells me that he is being genuine and he meant the thing he just said.

I wanted this boy close to me. I wanted him to smile at me. I wanted him to talk to me. He was giving me strange comfort. But this is not what I wanted. I just wanted to be his close friend.

" Ethan, I'm..s..sorry. I don't have such feelings towards you. " I'm s..straight.", I said.

He looked away and left a sigh. Then he again looked back in my eyes, staring deep. His eyes were hard and dark this time. He was looking mad.

" Then why you let me rest my head on your shoulder in the theatre ? Why were you playing with my hair ? Why you smile at me with those dimples ? Why the hell you look at me like that with these damn blue eyes ? Are you sure you are straight ?"

" Yes ! ", I sneered. " I'm straight ! And I can never like you like that Ethan. You've got it wrong ! "

He looked at me in shock. I just realized I didn't stammer when I said those words.

" Why ?", he asked.

" Cause you f..freaking look like my brother."

" Brother ??", he raised an eyebrow.

" Yes ! Brother. Real brother. ", I said and grabbed my phone which was lying on the bed. I tapped on it's gallery icon and went to the folder where I had only Alex's photos.

" Here ! L..Look at this. ", I said and stretched my phone to him. He took it from my hands in confusion. Then he looked at the phone screen and his eyes widened at the moment in shock.

" Your b..brother ?", He stuttered looking at the pictures. He was vigorously scrolling through the pictures in shock.

" Yes. That's Alex. And A..Alex wasn't just my best friend. He is my own b..brother.", I said.

" That means he isn't alive.", Ethan said averting his eyes back to me, his eyes reflected shock and surprise.

" He isn't alive. He...he d..died in a car accident three years ago.", I said.

Ethan brushed his hand through his hair in worry. Then he went back to looking at the pictures. He was licking and wetting his upper lip just like Alex used to do when he was nervous.

" And Ethan, not only that you l..look like him...y..you also freaking behave like him.", I said.

" What do you mean ?", he asked.

" I mean you are just a c..copy of Alex. He used to lick his l..lips like that when he is nervous. H..He would poke his t..tongue on his cheeks when he gets angry. He talked and walked like you. Y..you are a copy of my brother.", I accused Ethan.

" Michael, I can't believe this. I can't believe my eyes.", Ethan uttered.

" See, you even s..say my name like Alex used to say."

" But why ?", he asked.

" I don't freaking know.", I said and sighed.

Ethan was silent in shocks for minutes. There was an awful silence spread in the room for sometime as he sat there scrolling through the pictures, single photos of Alex, his pics with me and our family photos. And Ethan was sending some of the pics to his phone.

" Ethan, I'm sorry. I- I can't s..see you like that. Please forget it.", I said at last breaking the silence.

He tilted his head and looked at me. " Michael, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry for last day. I lost myself for a moment. And I'm sorry for now. I'll leave now.", he said and stood up from my bed, stretching the phone back to me. I took it from his hands and then he turned and briskly walked out of the room.