Chapter 5: Chapter 5

We were alone in the kitchen. Kosi had left to talk to Devon and I knew I should be focused on finding Lola and getting the fuck out of here. But Asa was with me. And I can't think straight when Asa is with me.

She was avoiding my gaze, palms, squeezing the water bottle in her hand, her sweet red lips, redder from the cold.

I remembered our argument from this afternoon.

"Don't you understand that I don't love you? That I can never?" She had shouted.

"Don't say that, Asa. I love you."

I was so desperate when I uttered those words to her. I wanted her to see what she does to me. How much she affects me.

And now, I don't even know if i regret telling her or not.

Is this love? This pain? This madness? This willingness to possess what isn't yours.

Is this love or is it sin?

And I remembered the shocked look on her face when I told her that. Beautiful face, slacking in shock...

I knew how I treated her this afternoon wasn't right.

She belonged to Kam...

She wasn't mine.

She'd never be...

But still...

"Look, I'm sorry, Asa."

I didn't even know I could be this gentle with her.

She looked at me, her beautiful face, scowling in confusion. "For?"

I took a deep breath, fight off the voices in my head, screaming at me to shut up.

"For everything. Talking to you like that in the library, it wasn't right. I had no right to do so. Especially after I acted like I hated you in the beginning. You're Kam's girl. You're my guy's girl and I'm not supposed to fall in love with you."

I had tried so hard to ignore Asa in the beginning. To despise her. To deny her existence.

All for nothing. I had fallen helplessly for her the moment I first saw her face. And no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I only fell deeper and deeper. I longed to have her... Watching from a distance.

Until it was too late. And she belonged to another.

It was something I had seen coming. But couldn't control. Like watching a train wreck, happening in front of you.

It was inevitable. The moment Kam started paying attention to her... I knew I had already lost.

She looked elsewhere, her mouth, in a stubborn scowl. "You're not in love with me, Amir."

The fact that she could so blatantly deny the truth... It hurt.

It twisted my heart, ripping it to shreds, a tightening and coiling in my stomach that hurt so badly.

I stared at her sadly. She still wouldn't look at me.

"You're not in love with me, Amir." She whispered again. "Stop saying that."

Asa was so beautiful. It literally hurt my eyes just looking at her... But the fact she had a beautiful soul too... She really loves Kam.

I should be happy for him... For them.

But...

I wanted her to understand... I needed her to understand what she's doing to me.

I reached out, taking her hand and placing it on his chest, right were my heart was racing out of control... The way it usually does, when it comes to her...

This way, she'd feel how badly she affects me... How badly I needed her with me.

She stared at me, big brown eyes, blinking in incredulity and realization.

"You feel that?" I whispered to her, stepping closer.

She gulped, darkness in her eyes.

"Asa, do you feel that? My heart."

She looked away and I tilted her chin to look at me, straight in the eyes. To see the truth from my soul.

"You can feel it. Can't you? My heart. It's racing. It's going crazy like that because of you, Asa. I'm going crazy because of you. I have no fucking idea why, but from the moment I first saw you, I've not been able to think straight."

Her eyes. Those cursed eyes of hers were drawing the truth out of me.

It hurt. It all hurt so much... But i didn't stop.

"From the moment I first saw you, you made my heart race. That shit got me so scared to be around you. Tying me in fucking knots and fucking up my senses till I can't think properly until I'm away from you. I can't be around you without losing my damn mind. This is madness, Asa. I'm in love with you."

She closed her eyes, as if she was in pain... When I was the one hurting. "Amir... Stop. Stop. Please." She whispered. As if I was causing her pain.

I wanted to laugh at the irony. The pain I felt, just loving her was driving me insane.

And I couldn't stop, even if I wanted... No matter how hard I tried.

Her eyes never left mine, those pools of coffee, drawing all the truth out of me, until I was nothing but a writhing, sobbing mess.

"I've never acted like such a fool for any girl. I've acted like a damn animal to you and I just want to apologize. How I've been acting. It's wrong. You don't deserve it. Kam doesn't deserve it. I know I'm such a bad friend for feeling this way about you. I'm sorry."

"Well, will you stop, then." She asked, the hope in her eyes tore me to pieces.

Didn't she understand that it'd kill me not to even try?

I let go of my hand now and ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "That's the problem, Asa. I don't think I can stop even if I tried. Fuck, if I could, I fucking would."

"Amir," she stared at me in shock.

"It's true, Asa." I felt like screaming until she understands. Until she believes me. "I want to kiss you so badly right now, it hurts so fucking bad. I know, I fucked up, trying to deny my feelings for you for so long. But I see your face and I just can't lie to myself anymore and deny how you make me feel..."

It was quiet for another moment.

"And that dress..."

My eyes raked her body, unabashedly in one sweep, lingering in the swell if her breasts, the roundness of her hips. Taking it all in. "That dress is enough to run any hotblooded male, mad."

Her legs buckled and she held the table for support.

"I've never had a girlfriend before. Never felt this way before." I stepped closer to her, wanting to drown in the brown seas of her eyes. "I don't know how this shit works and I'm fucking clueless. Like, is it supposed to hurt this bad?... Are you supposed to want to betray a friend for love?"

She gulped, taking a step back. "I'm sorry, Amir. But I don't know what to say."

Tilting my head to the side, I considered her expression. "There's nothing to say, is there? You love him."

"I do." She maintained my stare, killing me with those words.

"Then I've already lost."

"Good. Will you stop this foolishness now?"

"No."

"Amir!"

"What part of 'I can't stop myself even if I tried', don't you understand?" I wanted to rip my hair out. To hold her and scream at her until she understands.

She frowned at me and I stared back at her. Her breathing was harsh. Ragged. Her chest, rising and falling with each breath she took... Her chest... Her ch-

I looked away, clearing my throat. "I don't know how long Kosi is going to take with Devontae and Lola is MIA."

She raised an eyebrow at me.

"Dance with me, Asa."

"You can't be serious." She protested.

I rolled my eyes at the look of incredulity on her face. "It's just a dance."

You know it's not. My subconscious laughed at me. You want her to dance with you, the same way she danced with Kam. Don't you understand that she'll never love you like she loves him?

I gritted my teeth at the truth of my common sense. "We need to keep an eye on her and I need to keep an eye on you." I continued, gruffly.

"Yeah, but why do you have to dance with me to do that?"

I smiled at her. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a very good looking guy-"

"With an ego the size of Jupiter." I interrupted him.

I ignored her jab, my smile, increasing in intensity. " I can't count how many greenlights have been thrown my way tonight. With you in my arms, that should keep the other girls away."

With you in my arms.

She seemed to think on this carefully. "Good point." She decided in the end. "But you have to promise to be on your best behaviour."

"I can't promise something I'm already pathetically failing at, Asa." I shrugged. "But, I'll try."

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