Chapter 27: Chapter 27

A lot was running through my mind:

Rage

Regret

Pain

Anji opened up a part of me I don't want to deal with. I was trying to leave the past where it belonged, in the past. But now that she brought back those unwanted memories my body was shaking, littered in goosebumps as I felt hands crawl all over my body. A feeling I hadn't felt in months.

"No no no," I muttered under my breath as I scratched my arms bloody raw trying to stop the feeling I was getting. Tears blurred my vision as flashback after flashback from that night clouded my mind.

Regret filled my mind as I finally came down from my rage high and realised what I told Anji.

Stupid stupid

It was a very stupid move for me to reveal my true emotions like that let alone tell Anji what happened to me. I guess everything in me just bubbled up and I exploded once more, something I promised my dad I would improve on but failed.

Not even my therapist could help control the emotions I had hidden under. If I couldn't control them no one else could and that was a dangerous thing I needed to have under control.

After taking deep breaths I tried to think of happy thoughts trying to calm my erect heartbeat. For once my body listened to me realising it was all just in my head.

I don't know why but I found myself opening the envelope hoping to distract myself from the dark thoughts entering my mind. The letter itself was on a neat white paper folded with neatly written words that looked like a doctor's note.

I quickly skimmed the letter looking at the bottom to see who wrote it.

Eve

Why did she write me a letter? My eyebrows creased before I began reading the letter and the more I read it the further my heart shattered like glass below my feet.

Dear Belle

I know letters are lame and all but I figured it's a fitting way to say goodbye. Look at Romeo and Juliet, such a tragic end for their romance. That's why I loved that story dearly. It showed the true nature of love and what it truly means to love someone.

I told you that I loved you and I meant it, I would die for you over and over again if It came to because that's how deep my love runs for you. I know I never showed it but you truly meant the world to me and the memories we made in the short period we were together I will never forget, I will cherish them even in death.

You're probably wondering by now why I wrote a letter. Well to put it shortly if you're reading this letter then I'm dead. No, no one killed me well not physically but I killed myself because I couldn't handle what I was going through. Something bad happened to me, Belle, something that changed me for the worse. My innocence was ripped away from me without a care and that kept me up at night until the voices were too much and I couldn't take it anymore. I know it was a weak excuse to just give up but I was in pain, a type of pain no one else could understand, a type of pain that eats you from the inside out.

I can never forget what happened to me and that was my downfall but I didn't write this letter to tell you what happened to me rather I wrote this letter to you to tell you how much you meant to me and how you were my breath of fresh air in this polluted world. The only reason I broke up with you was to make this a little easier for you because I never wanted to hurt you in any way and I'm sorry for the heartache I cursed you but I'm not sorry for loving you.

The bottom line is I was weak and I succumbed to my demons unlike you, you gave my life meaning yet it wasn't enough and that's not your fault it's mine because I just needed everything to stop. I know you're thinking I should've just come to you and found a solution to my problems but I know that wouldn't have done anything to change my mind because the world gave up on me so I gave up on the world.

I'm here to tell you that this is not your fault in the slightest. Ok because you were the only thing I was living for and once I realised you deserve much more than a broken heart I let you go. I know you will find the right girl who will sweep you off your feet and give you the world like I never could. That day might be tomorrow, next month or years from now but don't lose hope your true love will come. Until then I hope you will forever hold me in your heart as I will you in mine.

Love Evangeline xx

By the end of the letter nonstop tears streaming down my face along with snot but I didn't care I was in pain at the loss of someone I possibly loved. Reading the letter over and over didn't provide the answer I was looking for, why did she kill herself?

I understood she was going through a difficult thing perhaps something even similar to what I went through but why end your life instead of consulting someone first?

I felt conflicted, I wasn't sure whether to be mad at Eve for not even coming to me for help or be heartbroken beyond repair for leaving me with nothing more than a letter.

I don't know how long I was left crying my heart out looking like a babbling mess hiccuping and barely able to breathe through my sobs trying to hold back my screams but at some point, there was a knock on the window of the car.

Malcolm stood outside the car door looking concerned for my well being. An overwhelming surge of sadness wrapped around me like a blanket as I rushed out of the car running into Malcolm's awaiting arms.

"I'm right here," he whispered, hugging me tighter with his chin resting on my head.

"She's gone," I said through hiccups crying my heart out as images of Eve flashed to the forefront of my mind.

"I know I'm so sorry Belle," he sighed gently, rubbing my back.

I wasn't sure if he knew about Eve but I didn't have it in me to say anymore as I cried in his loving arms shaking from the sheer pain my heart was experiencing.

It seemed the death of my grandma wasn't enough for life to punish me but finding out about Eve was the last straw as I lost all hope for life once more. I felt cold and empty as my emotions just switched off saving me from the unimaginable pain I was in. One moment I was crying in Malcolm's embrace and the next I was in the passenger's seat going God knows where as Malcolm drove at a steady pace.

I watched through hazy hooded eyes as buildings and trees passed by. Small buildings, large buildings to medium-sized buildings caught my attention as I focused solely on my surroundings rather than what I was feeling. I wasn't sure how I was able to shut down my emotions but I was glad to finally be feeling numb and nothing else but the chill air that wrapped around me like a blanket.

A few minutes later we were back at Malcolm's place as he parked in his garage. I sat in the car waiting for nothing but rather unsure of what was to come or why I should even get up. I questioned a lot of things as my unblinking gaze fixed on the wall in front of the car, I could feel Malcolm's burning gaze but he never said anything, just got out of the car and closed the door.

I sat there watching him walk in front of the car before opening the car door where I sat. I wondered why he was being so nice to me when I didn't deserve it, no one deserved his kindness.

This world was so messed up to the point where if I even received one ounce of kindness I questioned it, what did they want in return? Was it a prank? Am I dreaming? I hated how this concept wrapped itself around me like a second skin fueling my trust issues even more.

I questioned why these bad things were happening to me and whether I deserved them or not.

Did I deserve them? Truth is no one deserved pain yet you couldn't have happiness without it which got me thinking. Death is a part of life as much as life is a part of death, I knew in my heart this isn't how Eve would want me to spend the rest of my life, wallowing in my misery. She wanted me to enjoy my life as much as possible and live as long as possible because she never got that chance.

My trauma should've being the end of me but I had people who supported me and helped me stay afloat to proudly say I'm a survivor but Eve never got that chance because she never let me in or anyone for that matter and that saddened me but I also had to accept that it was her choice and I couldn't change that.

All I can say is she deserved to die in the sense of her finally finding peace in eternal happiness. Because I could see these months she was different, more closed off and unhappy so the only thing I could say was I hoped she finally could rest in peace.

Life is a tricky puzzle but it's better we accept things the way they are rather than letting it eat at us from the inside out because if we hold everything on a grudge then we are no better than the demons that torment us.

With a heavy sigh, I rested my head on the car seat, silent tears streaming down my face as a small smile plastered on my lips.

"I let you go," I whispered to the sky, feeling a lightweight lift off my shoulders. I wasn't sure who I was letting go exactly Eve or my grandma but either one I knew I couldn't wallow in their death. I should rather celebrate the memories I had with them and let them rest in peace.

"That's the best thing you can do," Malcolm said, holding my hand reassuringly. I turned my head to face him smiling wider.

"I love you doofus," I said with a sniff, squeezing his hand back.

"I love you too dumbass," he smirked, kissing my shaking hands. I sighed in content, before wiping off my tears and getting out of the car.

Life was full of mysteries and disasters but it's how you handle these things that determine what type of person you are. I for one decided who I wanted to be, a best friend to Malcolm, a good daughter to my dad and Lauren, a good mentor for Devontae and a good wife and mother to my own family one day.

There were no cheat codes in life that's what made it so hard to accomplish. But it's the people around you that make life worth living and I hoped I could help out more people in the world from their demons and situations like I helped Devontae.

I could never get over the fact that I wasn't able to help Eve but that just fueled me to help even more people. Because of me, Devontae found a loving family to take care of him, Malcolm found a second chance sister and because of me my dad and Lauren found love once again. I helped more people than I imagined I could and that brought such tremendous joy to my heart that I will never forget.

Most people consider family to be overrated considering their situations which I don't blame them for and might admit that's true at times but family can also be chosen, it is not bound by blood. I can say Malcolm is as much of a member of my family as my dad is even more so because Malcolm holds a special place in my heart.

Family is supposed to be there for you no matter what and that's what Malcolm has proved time after time. He will forever be held on a high pedestal in my mind because he saved my life more times than I could count and I hope one day I could return the favour.

***

Death was a touchy subject for many, especially myself, it terrified me to the core of my very being. The mere mention of it always got me thinking for a very long time. Just thinking about what came after death. Did we reincarnate into something else or did we ascend to heaven or hell or perhaps neither and end up between hell and heaven with unfinished business for all of eternity?

I was never the religious type but even I had to admit that believing in something is far better off than believing in nothing.

As time passed I came to realise that death is as much part of everyday life as the air we breathe. People die every single day because of different circumstances and that is something we can't control but rather should embrace it and enjoy the time we have left on this earth. If we dwell on the fact that we were going to die we would always live in fear and that's something I didn't want to experience ever again rather I looked at death from a whole new perspective.

The death of someone is always sad (in most cases) especially someone close to you because knowing you're never going to see them ever again was always the painful part. With recent events that happened to me, I realised that death is a beautiful thing. It helped me understand that death was a sweet relief that granted us eternal peace.

I didn't believe in heaven or hell rather I just believed when we died we just died, done, caput. No reincarnation no heaven or hell, when you die you just died and the only thing left to remember you by is the memories you made with the people you met otherwise you simply cease to exist.

I cherished the memories I made with Eve and my grandma because of those memories I made with them, a part of them still lives in my heart. That's what made saying goodbye a little bit easier but that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

Life is full of ups and downs and it's the people around you that make it worth fighting for. So as I stood there watching possibly the love of my life being buried I was glad I had Malcolm with me.

I may have not had a lot of friends but Malcolm was my only true friend who I could rely on no matter what and most of all a friend I could call family and say I would gladly die for.

"It gets better," Malcolm said after the service, we were the only ones left watching the gravediggers cover-up Eve's casket with their huge shovels.

"I know it does," I sniffed, smiling gratefully at him for always being by my side.

"Good." He smiled, pulling me into a side hug before giving me a tender kiss on the forehead.

I hugged him back tightly, taking a moment to embrace the warmth he provided. Malcolm was my saving grace and without him, I wasn't sure where I would be today.

"You up for some pizza?" He asked with a smirk already knowing the answer to the question.

"Always but we have to wait for Devontae," I said.

"Wait, is the little guy spending the weekend with us?" He asked excitedly.

"Yes, he is," I smiled.

"Sweet," Malcolm beamed.

Over the short period, since Devontae moved in with my dad and Lauren, Malcolm has become so attached to Devontae. From always wanting to be around Devontae to asking how he's doing. I suppose he saw a little bit of himself in Devontae and wanted him to have everything he couldn't have.

I could see whoever was going to wed Malcolm was going to have a wonderful father to their kids.

Since grandma died a lot of things have changed. Devontae moved in, Lila had to find another family to work for and I practically moved in with Malcolm. What was most surprising in a good way was my dad proposing to Lauren? We all saw it coming from a mile away but I wished them nothing but happiness.

I could see she was a good pick for him as he was for her and their talks of having kids just proved how in love they were with each other. It saddened me that I was graduating soon with barely any confidence in my exams. It seemed everyone was moving on while I was still getting over my ex who I discovered was kidnapped and was going to be sold into the human trafficking chain. Once rescued it seemed she couldn't live with what she went through and decided to end her own life.

I was unable to think of the future when I was still living in the past. Everyone around me was moving on including Malcolm who was moving to North Carolina in America after I graduated. I was conflicted on what to feel about his sudden decision but I couldn't blame him for wanting a change of scenery. As for me, I had no particular plans after I graduated but I was certain I wasn't going to spend another four to eight years of my life at a university. Life was too short to spend it doing something that disinterests you and I had to learn that the hard way. Not going to university seems like a terrible idea considering how many people are selling their bodies to make money to go to university but it wasn't something I wanted to do.

My dad of course knew this before I did and advised me to do whatever made me happy not what everyone expects me to do. Lauren didn't agree with my decision but she supported me either way. I thought it was a good idea considering how they could use my university funds for Devontae. Something I hoped would help my dad a lot considering before Lauren he wasn't financially in the best place.

I finally realised that my love for Anji was just a silly crush I hoped would disappear the moment I leave my homeland because I and she weren't even on speaking terms and seeing her at school just made things awkward but I was glad she didn't annoy me anymore. The only thing that annoyed me at school was the pity looks from everyone who knew I hung out with Eve but over time I learned to let it go and just ignore the little voices because I realised that I should be living for myself not anyone else and their opinions shouldn't affect me in the least.

Overall things were looking up for everyone even though we knew there would be a storm around the corner but as long as we had each other nothing could bring us down, that's what family is for.

And as I turned around to watch my dad, Lauren and Devontae smile as they came towards us, a warm feeling bubbled in the pits of my stomach as I smiled back wildly.

I couldn't have been blessed with a better family.

The End