Chapter 40: Chapter 40

DAHLIA:

“Thank you, Lina,” I said as my attendant put down two cups and a pot of hot tea in our midst. I wanted something cold given the weather, but Lina insisted that I take in something warm since I was still in the process of recuperating. Of course, Kaist agreed. They always agreed to torture me under the guise that everything was for the sake of my health.

On the second day of my recovery, Kaist really did show up at the villa. Tristan said he was going to do something in his study, and he left me alone even before Kaist came that morning.

Now, I was the only one who has to endure being put in a tight spot…

I took the cup closer to my lips, taking time to blow the heat of the liquid away. I was grateful for the temporary screen that the mist was giving me as it obscured my face away from Kaist.

The last time we saw each other in the cave, I was deathly embarrassed. He had seen me in such an embarrassing and vulnerable state back then. Knowing that I had run away from our wedding two month ago as well, I was surprised that I even had the strength to come and face Kaist like this at all…

“Lady Hurst… I mean Countess Abell… Are you feeling better now?” It was he who broke the terribly awkward silence between us.

I was nervous as hell. I could only imagine the mortification Kaist and his father must have endured when I did not show up at the temple.

Oh Goddess, I am an evil person, am I not?...

“Prince Kaist,” I said as Eva and I sighed deeply inside my head before I spoke, “first of all, this is late, but I am deeply sorry for what I had done at the wedding… You probably won’t forgive me, but I still -”

“That’s alright… I already half-knew you’d do that, Dahlly,” Kaist replied. He smiled weakly in front of me.

I felt more ashamed than ever. I can only blink back at Kaist, unable to say anything further. Even the feel of the hot tea against my tongue wasn’t enough to get me back to my senses.

“It’s not alright, Kaist… Instead of formally asking you and the king to break the engagement, I walked away on you like a fool… And to think that you are my best friend… I’m really sorry…”

There was some silence between us. Kaist seemed to be lost in his thoughts for a while. When he spoke, it was in an easier manner.

“To be fair, you did ask me to break off the engagement. I was just the foolish one to have thought you’ll go through with it just because I wanted to save face…”

Kaist massaged his temples as if they were throbbing. I cannot lift my head any further. I don’t know what I could say to him to ease my guilt or the bad feelings he must be harboring towards me.

We were sitting outside facing each other on a round, garden table. Suddenly, Kaist moved seats and took the one closest to my left.

“Did you regret it Dahlly? Did you even regret running away that day?”

I looked up at his anguished face, and my heart was instantly moved to pity. His eyes had dark circles around them, and his face looked gaunter than before. He must have suffered a lot during the past two months.

However, despite my guilt, I didn’t want to lie to Kaist just so I could appease his heart…

“I regretted that I didn’t make stronger efforts to break away from the wedding. As such, I have caused you and your father so much pain… But other than that, I cannot say that I regretted my decision to marry my mate…”

His face fell. I cupped his cheeks in my hand.

“Kaist, you are my dear, dear friend! You had been with me since the Goddess knows when, and although you do not say it, I know you long for that one, true love to come to you...”

“However, I am not that love, Kaist! I am someone comfortable to be around, but I am not your fated mate, and I don’t want you to make a big mistake by marrying me and missing out on that one person that would complete you!”

He held one of my wrists as he spoke back, “Dahlly, how sure are you? How sure are you that I’d still find that person?”

He continued, his face heating up as he spoke, “You are right! It’s comfortable to be around me, is it not? You know that I am someone who will never hurt you or make you cry! So then, why? Why can’t you just choose me? Do you… Do you really have to choose that scoundrel?!”

I could feel the overflowing emotion Kaist had towards me. Of course he’d feel bad for me after witnessing what happened the other day. I don’t even have the words to argue with him. He had perfect reason to be angry with my choice.

“Yes, I know you’d never hurt me, Kaist, but we are not each other’s mates. If you could only know how having your mate beside you feel like, I’m sure you’d be more that happy you haven’t already married me. I want you to be free to choose her should she suddenly show up one day to claim you.”

Kaist seized my other hand away from his face. “Dahlly, do you even know what you are saying to me?! Do you even know what I had to endure for you? Maybe if you knew you wouldn’t say all these things!”

There were no tears falling down from his eyes, but his voice sounded like he would break down any minute. He was shaking, perhaps in fury of what I had just said.

Was I mistaken all along? I only saw Kaist as a friend. He had never once made any advances towards me nor hinted that he was interested in anything else other than friendship...

But why was he so worked up now? Why was he so mad at the prospect of him finding someone else?

“What is it then? What did you have to endure for me? What are these things that I still don’t know about, Kaist?”

His grip against my wrists was getting harder that I can feel the blood in them stilling, and a tingling sensation taking over my fingertips, but I did not dare break away from Kaist.

“Tell me what it is,” I said. “You… You never told me anything, you know… You never told me what I meant to you… What am I to you, really? You wanted me to marry you, but for what?”

I spat, “Kaist, our feelings are not mere decorations! You and I – we are not mere pawns in this political war! Do you know why I didn’t want to marry you for convenience? It was also because I was sick… I’m sick of being seen as a tool! I’m sick of being seen as someone else’s adornment…”

Tears began to stream down on my face. I realized that, for the first time, I was being completely genuine to Kaist as well.

I used to smile back at him and follow the king and my father’s every whim. I endured coming to the palace when Kaist’s father wanted to see me even though I was afraid of him… I endured keeping my dreams inside myself for a long time, but at the end, enduring it all wasn’t enough.

“Kaist, I love you as a friend… You were the only person who kept me sane all this years, but that kind of life inside the palace, it wasn’t what I wanted… It wasn’t what I dreamed of!”

He looked to me with pain in his light violet eyes. “Dahlly, I know you are only saying this because you’ve met that man! Weren’t you going to marry me if it wasn’t because of him? Weren’t you going to choose me if he never came along?”

“If Tristan did not come along, our wedding would have happened, but there could never be any real marriage between us,” I said.

The way that Kaist peered into my eyes intensified. I knew I had hurt him even more when I spoke.

Stupid, stupid Dahlly! I was here to make him feel better and to apologize, so why was I making him feel even worse?

“Then, just tell me this - that man – do you really love him?”

I nodded slowly.

“Even when he can hurt you?”

“Anyone can hurt us, Kaist… It doesn’t have anything to do with love… The decision to hurt or be hurt is up to us, though…” I quietly said.

Slowly, Kaist let go of both of my hands. He stood from the chair and ran his hand into his silver hair.

“It’s not nice to argue with someone sick,” he muttered. “Rest up, Dahlly. I’ll come back again once you feel better.”

As soon as he said this, he strode away from me and followed the path leading to the gates where Pelle, his assistant, followed him shortly.

I sighed. I was supposed to make up with my friend, but it seemed like I only made this far worse that it already was…