Chapter 40: Chapter 40

TODAY I decided to face one of my fears. One of the reasons why I'm so afraid of coming back. I've realized that I must face my fear before I regret again.

I felt how my heart ached badly inside my chest while reminiscing the past, when she's still beside me. she's just like her. They always say they love me that they're always at my side. But the truth is they will actually leave me behind.

Why is it that every time I need them, they suddenly disappear by my side? They will leave at the times when I need their help the most. when I want a partner. Even if I looked so strong outside that doesn't mean I don't need someone anymore.

The times I left Rainer I needed him. But I didn't know that he also needed me more during those times. I don't know that she faced a lot of problems while I'm busy chasing my man's heart. I forgot that I have her. That she still needs me.

I blinked my eyes twice when it blurred a bit. Someone kissed the back of my hand making me come back from my reverie.

Rainer softly caressed my hair while looking worriedly at me.

"We're here," he said, making me nod.

He looked out of the car with a frown. Maybe wondering why we are here in this place. I just told him earlier that I want to visit a friend. I just gave him the address. He didn't ask too many questions and just drove to the place I gave.

So he couldn't hide the confusion on his face.

"Where is your friend? Where will you meet?" he asked confused.

I took a deep breath and held his hand tightly. I looked ahead of the car. It's hard to open up but because he's the man I love, I'm trying to open myself up to him.

I slowly open up myself to him. and that's when he sees me weak.

"You see that building?" I pointed to the building outside. I bit my lower lip when it trembled a bit. Please Talliah don't fucking cry!

Rainer followed, looking where my finger was pointing.

"There's my friend," I whispered softly. Rainer's eyes widened as he looked at me. I smiled a bit when I saw his shocked face.

"Who? I only know one friend of yours." he asked confused.

Exactly I have only one friend and that is...

"Jazzy..." I mumbled

"Shit... don't say that..." Rainer immediately cut my words when he saw my tears slowly streaming down to my cheeks.

He quickly pulled me closer to him and quickly kissed my head.

"Shhh... Don't cry. You know that I hate seeing your tears right?" he whispered softly while caressing my back.

I nodded my head and calmed myself a bit. You can do this Talliah. Don't be a weakling while you're in front of her. She hates the soft and weak Queen. His queen is not like that.

When I finally calmed down, I found myself outside the car. The cold wind immediately blew my hair. I looked up when I felt Rainer kiss my head.

"You want me to go with you?" he asked worriedly.

I shook my head and gave him a smile "I can do it alone. No worries." I muttered.

Rainer looked at me intently, he then sighed after "I know you can do it. Remember I'm just here hmm..." I quickly nodded and quickly leaned forward to reach his lips.

He crouched a bit to reach my lips. He immediately held my waist and deepened our kiss. he put his tounge inside my mouth and I quickly sucked it. I sucked his bottom lip making it more red. We both held our breath after parting our lips.

"Thank you," I whispered breathlessly.

Rainer immediately smiled at me sincerely "All for you Talliah," He breathed hard that made the beating of my heart go crazy.

After that scene I found myself slowly walking inside the building I hate the most. this is the place I didn't want to go before because I didn't want to feel pain and sadness. But avoiding this place caused me to get hurt all over.

I wish I had just faced my fear. I wish I could spend more time with him. but all my hopes are useless if I can't bring him back. All I have now is the feeling of regretting.

I squirmed in the chair while waiting for the person I wanted to see. The heart beats so fast that it seems like it will stop beating at any moment.

"Ma'am she is here," that voice quickly got my attention.

I quickly looked where the voice was coming from, causing my knees to go weak. My heart tightened as my knees wobbled. Maybe if I was standing now I would have fallen a while ago.

I saw the girl nurse together with the girl I really missed so much. The girl who used to be at my side in the lowest state. But here she is now in front of me with her no emotion face and eyes.

"I'll leave you for now. I'll just go back to Ma'am when visiting time is over." said the nurse that I didn't listen too much because my attention was only focused on the woman who was gradually approaching me.

She silently sat in front of me while she looked at me carefully. I bit my lower lip when it trembled a bit. My gaze ran down to her body. Why is she so thin? Is he not eating well?

"Hi!" I cheerfully greeted her but she just looked at me with no emotion in her eyes.

It was as if something in my heart was throbbing because of the way he looked. She used to look at me lovingly. She used to look at me with admiration in her eyes. Not like this, as if he doesn't know me anymore.

Jazzy has PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Her psychiatrist said that Jazzy experienced a traumatic event again. I know she was abused before but that didn't lead her to have a mental illness like this. I saved her before but I didn't save her this time.

I lost time with her so I don't know much about what is happening in her life. I promised to protect her but I failed. I fucking failed.

"How are you?" I asked in a trembling voice while gently touching his hand that was on the table.

I thought she would shove my hand away just like years ago but I'm shocked when she calmly looked at my hand. She looked up at me. She slowly opened her mouth to utter a word.

"I'm just fine here. Why did you come back here? You hate this place remember?" She said without emotion.

The tears that I had been holding back quickly rolled down my cheeks. Jazzy immediately looked away after seeing my tears. I held her hand tightly when she wanted to get away from my hold.

"I missed you... You didn't even miss me? You said you won't leave me right? Just like my Mom? Then why are you still here? Do you like it here more than outside?" My voice trembled as I asked her.

She looked at me angrily "You know that I'm a messed up right? I'm not okay Talliah! Can't you see! I'm not in my right mind anymore! So why are you still hoping that I'll get better?!" she shouted loudly.

I shook my head repeatedly while crying in front of her "I know you will get better. Because you are strong... my Jazzy is strong right? Just like her queen. I will helped you hmm..." I said with difficulty while looking at him.

My heart sank even more when I saw her tears that gradually fell down. Using her other hand she immediately wiped her tears away but she just failed because her tears kept on streaming down.

I just saw her cry again. Because I know she's always making herself stronger in front of me to hide her true feelings. But I know that inside she's hurting. Jazzy is just like me. We hide our true feelings inside. Because we don't want anyone to see us as weak. But at this time he allowed himself to be weak.

I immediately rose up from my seat and walked to her side. I quickly hugged her which made her cry even more.

I hug her tightly securing her in my arms. Even though I know I don't hug him enough. She cried hard in my arms. Just cry my love, let it out. I'm only here for you.

"I l-lost them both queen. i failed to protect t-them..." she cried.

I don't know what happened to her but I surely know she's in pain for the past six years. When I knew that she had PTSD I cried so hard. Seeing her so lost ached my heart. he can't even remember me because of the trauma that caused him to act like this. But I'm sure of only one thing. Jazzy fell in love.

"I f-fucking lost them." She said weakly while crying. I bit my lower lip to stop my sobs.

"I'm s-sorry I'm not there to help you. I'm sorry Jazzy. Please forgive me..." I whispered.

She immediately shook her head and wiped my tears away. She looked at me longingly. She bit her bottom lip when her sobs escaped from her lips.

I also wiped her tears away. I cupped her cheeks and slowly caressed them. I miss her so bad.

"I missed you..." I mumbled painfully.

She smiled at me "I missed you more my queen." she stated while looking at my face.

"You're going to heal, aren't you? Not for me if not for yourself, right?"

My smile plastered on my lips when she slowly nodded. That's my girl!

"Can you wait for me until I'm okay?" she asked hopefully.

"I will wait for you. My twins are also waiting for you." I said while smiling. Shock and pain flashed through his eyes but it was immediately replaced by pleasure.

"I'm so happy for you. you deserve to be happy queen." she mumbled softly but I can sense her voice quivered a bit.

"You deserve to be happy too. You deserve the world Jazziyah." I uttered and hugged her tightly.

If I hadn't gone crazy with Rainer, would I have been able to save Jazzy? but being crazy with my man is the happiest feeling I've ever felt. I can't turn back the time. What happened happened and the only thing I can do now is to make amends before I regret it.

Jazzy is important to me. She's the one I lean on when I'm alone, so it hurts me so much to think that I'm not by her side when she's struggling and she needs someone to lean on. Being alone is not easy.

I'm also afraid that she would be angry at me. So she was one of the reasons why I had a hard time coming back. But I decided to face my fear. I will face her anger, just don't let her disappear from my life. I can't afford to lose someone important again.

"Where the fuck is she?" An angry man's voice boomed inside the room. making Jazzy flinched a bit.

"S-sir Bastian someone just came to visit her so she left the room. Ma'am is fine." the nurse explained shakily.

I quickly broke away from Jazzy's embrace when I saw the man wearing a doctor's uniform approaching our place. Is he a psychiatrist?

I looked at Jazzy who was smiling at me a bit then she looked at her back. Their eyes quickly met with the panting man who walked towards her.

I saw how the man looked at Jazzy worriedly. He didn't even mind that I am here. He just immediately went to Jazzy and hugged her tightly which made me shocked.

I also saw how the eyes of the nurse widened at the scene.

"Fuck Ziyah! I'm so damned worried. Is something hurting you? Where?" The man said confusedly while looking at Jazzy's whole body.

I blinked when Jazzy cleared her throat "I'm fine. Someone just visited me." she uttered and looked at me.

Only then did the man notice me. He blinked his eyes twice and caressed his nape. I squinted my eyes when I saw that his face was so familiar. Where did I see his face? He looks younger than us.

We suddenly turned to the door when someone knocked. I pursed my lips when Rainer walked to our direction. He pouted a bit while walking towards me. His lips twitched a little when he saw Jazzy.

I quickly approached him. He immediately snaked his arm around my waist.

"Have you two talked?" he asked in a curious voice.

I nodded slowly while looking at Jazzy and the man who were talking intensively.

"Look at your eyes it's so fluffy," he softly whispered in my ear. I looked up at him and smiled a bit.

He scoffed when he saw my swollen eyes.

"Close your eyes," He mumbled while caressing my waist up and down making me calm.

I immediately closed my eyes and seconds later I felt his soft lips kissing my eyelids. I felt how the beating of my heart wildly thumps inside my chest. Whenever my heart hurts Rainer is always there to cure it. He's my medicine that I badly need forever.