Chapter 12: Chapter 12

: Anxiety

→Narrator: Asa

The knife fell from my hand, and when I picked it up, I realized my hand was trembling.

I gulped. I was having a panic attack again.

Oh shit!

I started hyperventilating, struggling to control my breathing.

Why? Why now?

I clawed at my throat, doubling over on the counter as my vision blurred.

I felt like screaming, but I was choking on air... And just when it felt like I'd pass out, I felt a presence behind me.

I didn't know who it was because my back was to the door.

I felt like all the oxygen in the room was being sucked out of me. Dropping the knife, I clawed at my throat as I blinked back bright spots, dancing in front of my eyes.

"Shh... It's okay, Asa. Breathe." Someone hugged me from behind, nestling his cheek in my hair as he pulled me to him, in a tight embrace, strong hands encircled my waist.

He wasn't the one I wanted.

"Amir." I croaked.

But I was too weak to move away.

"Just focus on your breathing, Asa. Take deep breaths."

I found myself listening to his calm, gentle voice as I struggled to control my breathing.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deeper. Deeper.

"Better?" He whispered after a while.

"Better."

My back was still to his chest, his arms around my waist.

"Uh... Amir, you might want to let go now."

"No. Actually, I don't."

"Amir!" I warned. "Someone may see us."

"Let them."

"I'm dating your best friend." I reminded him through gritted teeth.

"I don't care."

I sighed, turning around to look at him. "Don't be unreasonable, Amir. This thing you want between us, it'll never work out."

He closed his eyes as if he couldn't bear the pain my words inflicted on him. "I know. I know, but can't you just try? Don't you feel anything at all? Anything?"

I took a shaky breath, maintaining his gaze. "No."

He reeled back, as if shot and my heart twisted at the painful look in his eyes. The curbing grief...

But I just didn't know how to not tell him the truth. I didn't want to lie to him.

We had a lot in common, liked the same music, read the same books and fanned the same artists. He was on par with me academically and we could talk about the intellectual world of academia for ages without stopping. I liked his elegant, classy vices of exotic wine and expensive tastes. The fact he didn't do drugs or take too much alcohol was golden in my eyes.

But...

Liking the same things and loving a person were two different things entirely.

I didn't love him. He didn't pull my heart the way Kam did. He doesn't touch my soul the way Kam does. He has no pull over me and I didn't want to force anything that I didn't feel.

"Look, I'm sorry, Amir, you're a really great guy-"

"You're lying, Asa." His hands cupped my face, thumbs stroking my cheekbones.

I lowered my gaze. "I'm sorry." I whispered, nervously trying to break the awkwardness. "I mean, if you came like, three months ago, maybe you'd have had a chance."

"I'm serious, Asa."

"I'm serious, too." I placed my hands on his hands on my cheek and looked him straight in the eyes. "You need to stop feeling this way about me."

His heart seemed to break in two, right in front of me and he left me, moving to double over by the counter. "Fuck!" He cussed, banging his hand on the marble top. "Fuck, fuck! Allah knows if I could stop myself, I fucking would. I don't want to feel like this. I hate how bad it feels. Like I'm being ripped to pieces. Seeing you two together, it drives me fucking crazy!"

"Amir-"

"And I tried. I tried so damn hard to forget you. To ignore you... To despise you... But it never worked. Don't you see, Asa? I can't forget you, even if I tried. I've fallen for you."

I closed my eyes, ignoring the paralyzing headache.

"I don't want to be friends. I don't want to be your homie. I want you, Asa. I want to be the fucking love of your life."

"Amir-" my voice broke and I doubled over, releasing the pent up tears, providing me relief from all the pain. "I'm so sorry, Amir but it's not possible."

"Prove it," He said, suddenly.

I blinked at him. "What?"

He walked towards me. Close. So close. "Prove to me that it's not possible, Asa." His strong hands went around my waist, pulling me to him.

My forehead wrinkled at his request. "How?"

His forehead touched mine, orbs of grey stones and silver stardust, tender with need. "Kiss me, Asa. And if you feel nothing. I promise, I'll back off."

My hearbeat slammed sporadically inside me, my stomach tightening and when I raised my lips to his, he took it willingly.

His kiss was gentle, patient, trembling hands on my cheek, fingertips, tracing my cheekbones, eliciting wildfires in its wake.

He kissed like he sang. Soft but powerful. Raw and passionate. Tender and intense.

I was aware of the tightening in my stomach, the fluttering in my heart, the fuzziness in my brain when his tongue stroke mine, creating electrical sparks throughout my body.

One hand banded to my waist, pulling me closer, the other, grazing my hair as he kissed me and kissed me and kissed me. Like he had been waiting to do this all his life.

And when we pulled apart, he rested his forehead on mine, his breathing ragged. "You felt something, didn't you?"

I avoided his gaze.

"You did." His voice was stubborn. Adamant. "How can I leave you now that I know we stand a chance?"

I shivered at the intensity in his eyes.

Avoiding his gaze, I whispered. "No, Amir. We don't stand a chance. Please, go away, you're clouding my judgement."

He looked like he wanted to protest but a very familiar voice suddenly cried out. Alarmed.

"Asa? Amir! What the hell are you two doing?"

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