Chapter 50: Chapter 50

Three months have passed in a blur and Mahmud still felt the pain, the pain was new to him and raw, hurting every corner of his soul. He felt dead inside. It haven't been easy without her. He misses her every passing day. She was a part of him. He was attached to her, how would he cope without her?

He massaged his temple and closed his eyes. He was on the verged of crying. His throat hurts from holding the tears. His throat felt as if someone thrust a handful of itching powder inside. His tongue felt dry. His eyes were scruffy. He looked down at the food plate, leaning back. He has been sitting in the dinning area for the past one hour look at the plate to his phone. He wasn't in the mood to eat.

“Ah ah, Mahmud? Why haven't you eaten your dinner? You have barely eaten today too,” ummah spoke patting his shoulder. He looked up and smiled ruefully. “Ummah, I'm not that hungry.” She shook her head, “there must be something you'd like to eat. Do you want me to cook something different for you?” She asked while he stood up. “No ummah, I’ll go buy something now, I will be back soon.” He said and she wished him a safe return.

He got his car keys and left the house. He didn't even have an idea of where he was going exactly. He just wanted to be alone, refresh his mind and take his mind off everything. He sighed as his mind wandered off to her. He haven't seen her since the day his wife passed away. Without having a second thought, he took a turn that would lead him to their house.

He wanted to be alone but needed someone to talk to, someone he would be able to tell his worries without being judged. And that only person was his Manha.

In less than ten minutes he was in front of the house. He entered and parked his car where he usually parked. He stepped out of the car and walked gently towards the entrance. He was about to press the doorbell when she opened the door. She saw him through the window when he drove into the house. She was beyond shocked to see him. She never thought he would want to see her. She smiled softly and moved for him to come in.

“Mahmud? You're welcome. Its been long since I saw you. How are you doing?” Mommy asked, smiling at him. “I'm fine alhamdulillah. Good evening, mommy.” He greeted, squatting a bit. “Please sit down. Maryam bring food for him.” She instructed. They chit chatted for a bit before mommy excused herself. She set everything in front of him and settled down on the two seater close to where he was sitting.

She fiddled with her fingers, head ducked. She has never been so uneasy as she felt that moment. What were they even going to talk about? She swallowed hard and cleared her throat. He raised his head up from his phone and looked at her. “I know that I only knew her for a short period of time but your wife was the most beautiful person I've ever met, both in and out. She always made people around her smile even though she was in pain. It is a big loss for all those who did not get to experience her presence. I know she means a lot to you but please stay strong as I am always with you.” She uttered gently. It really did made his heart to soften. He smiled and nodded, “thank you,” he murmured.

The silence caressed the living room like a cool summer breeze, smoothing their souls, taking away their jagged edges. He kept the phone aside and observed her face; she had changed a lot, she had lost weight, looked pale and gloomy. He couldn't help but ask. “What happened to you? What did he do to you when I left?” He inquired, staring at her gloomy face. She raised her head briskly and looked at him. His eyes sparkled with a cold intelligence as he assesses her face.

She hated talking about her past because she always cried. She hated talking about mujahid. The pain felt new and raw, like it happened few minutes ago. She smiled sadly and sighed. She knew definitely she was going to cry, but it was okay because she trusted Mahmud. He would never judge her. No one is perfect after all. “Your brother really betrayed me. He had played with my heart. He made me to fall in love with him and later left me like it was nothing, like I meant nothing to him. It’s not even the breakup that hurts the most. Its the post trauma that follows it. Waking up to thought of him with another woman, not just a random woman, his wife. It’s like starting your life all over again and you have no idea where to begin with...” A knot tied in her throat as tears filled her eyes.

“Have you ever felt so heart broken that you genuinely feel the pain you chest? Geez,” she chuckled nervously. He smiled a bit and nodded in agreement. “I've felt that pain multiple times. I'm feeling it right now because I watched you cry over some loser that never looked at you like I did. I watched you love someone else that never valued you for once in his life. Manha, I was dying to be with you but you literally pushed me away and chose a stranger over me. You really didn't care about how I felt.....”

“I’ve poured warmth into you for so long and you loved it, I know you did. Then he came and you turned on the cold and shut me down. It still hurts, manha. Every time I remembered what you did I feel the pain, I feel a new wound, a new scar to add to the collection. I've been through so much pain when I figured out you no longer needed me in your life....” He paused and sighed. His eyes gazed onto the floor and his eyes darkened. He glanced back up at her tear-stained face. “Why did you do that to me? Why did you choose a stranger over me? Your best friend?” His voice sound more pain than anything.

“I hurt you and I'm sorry. By Allah, I did not do anything intentionally. You know I have never been in a relationship. He was my first and I fell for him hard. I couldn't control my feelings. I showed him love way too much than I should. I didn't know what was going on with me. I was so stupid for what I did. I regret it. I wish the regret will fade away. And all the mistakes I've made will drain away. Please, please forgive me. I have suffered enough without you in my life. I'm deeply sorry.”

He smiled and shook his head. No matter what she did, he would always forgive her because people make mistakes, right? And no one is perfect. “Be merciful to others and you will receive mercy, forgive others and Allah will forgive you. And about my idiot brother, he doesn't deserve your tears no one does but Allah. He doesn't deserve your pure and sweet love. Oh boy, he would surely regret this I'm telling you.” He soothed. She heaved and smile and nodded. She couldn't help but smile at him. He has a precious and soft heart. She never actually thought he would forgive he that easily.

“And for every difficulty, there is relief. Don't ruin your sleep because of someone that barely even remembers you in their life. Be patient. Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without count. And lastly, behind every delay, there’s Khair.”

He didn't say much but every word he uttered soothed her heart, it calmed her down. She was glad to have him back in her life. She would never allow anything to come between them again, hopefully. “Now, I think we should head out and get some ice cream right? you deserve a treat because You've cried way too much tonight,” He spoke, rising up. Her eyes widened and she chuckled. “Are sure you're going to be okay with it? Wait you haven't eaten anything?” She asked also getting up. “Don't worry about it, I'm okay.” He uttered, smiling. “And I need sometime to take my mind off her for a moment, even though it is impossible,” he said checking the time on his wrist watch. She furrowed her brows but masked it with a smile. Was she jealous? That cannot be! That would be insane, she's his wife and has the right whatsoever to miss her and also speak about her.

“I’ll quickly go grab my veil and inform mommy.” She excused herself and left. He looked around the living room while waiting for her. He sighed, reviving every moment they spent together in the living room. He smiled and shook his head, how time has passed. He stared at her photo with her parents. He still loves her, he really did. He couldn't express how much his heart wanted her, adored her and cherished her. All his thoughts, his whereabout are with her. He looked away and sighed; he had promised himself he wasn't going to utter a word of love to her ever again, till she did. He was afraid to get his heart hurt again.

“I’m back,” she interrupted his thought. He looked at her and simpered. “Lets go then,” he said and she nodded.

He parked his car outside the house and stepped out same time Mahmud’s car was driving out of the house. He was beyond shocked to see them in the car together. He hissed and entered his car. He knew what that meant, his brother wasn't clearly over Maryam. There was going to be a fire in the mountain definitely!

He checked the time, it was passed 8pm. Where were they even going to? Where was he taking her to? He hissed again, feeling the anger rising within his soul. He was really irked at the thought Mahmud marrying her. He hissed for the third time in a minute and rubbed his temple. He wasn't going to let his brother take away his beloved, even though he knew getting her back would be very impossible but he wouldn't give up till she takes him back.

He waited for about an hour an a half before they came back and he saw her dropping out of the car. His car drove away while she disappeared into the house. He quickly stepped out of the car and followed her in. The gate man didn't stop him since he knew who he was. “Maryam, maryam, please wait.” She paused as her heart skipped a bit. she would never forget that husky voice even if she had woken up from a slumber. She slowly turned to look at him.

“Uhh- hey, please, can we talk?” He asked feeling nervous all of a sudden. She raise a brow, “the audacity you have mujahid!” She exclaimed clearly annoyed at his presence. “At least hear what I have to say, maryam.” The voice boomed across the sky. She hates him now but she could listen to it all day. It was a voice to sink in as it wraps her up. Yet, vibrating with power and command. It was a voice with authority as Kindly laugh shook the ground like a storm.

She sighed and folded her arms on her chest. He gave her a sly smile and walked closer. She moved backwards a bit glaring at him. “I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you. And I know I can't take back, but I wanna try and make it up to you. Even if it takes me the rest of my life.”

Maryam looked at his face and burst into a loud harsh cackle go laughter. “You said you love me and I took you at your word. You said I was your soul mate and over the months you became part of the bedrock of my personality. Then one sunny day, under a cloudless sky, you announced you were married and ‘I just got played.’ It would have been kinder to kill me, mujahid! I was the person filled with a bitterness I couldn't control. Look, I'm not going to allow myself to be defeated by what I thought was in love with me. I will not allow myself back to what is wrong, what continues to hurt me, yet, I somehow find myself back within your traps, in the chains you've made for me. Geez, what was wrong with me even? How will I continue to allow myself back within your selfish heart. But, not again! I WILL NOT ALLOW myself ever again to go back to what I thought was love, what was perfect and beautiful. Because now I'm better and now my heart is made of armor.”

Every single word she uttered stabbed him right in the chest but he didn't bother. All he wanted was her, to get her back, marry her and make her to be his beloved. “Have mercy on me, maryam. By Allah I'm In love with you now, wholeheartedly. Please just give me one last chance.” He mumbled, bitterly. “I will never love you because you never cared at the start and I will never keep my heart open and I will never wait for you even if it means I will never get married! For this so called love of yours was never meant to be eternal. And I hope it shatters you inside seeing me laughing and happy.”

He watched her as she walked away. His eyes on her retreating back. He swallowed the lump in his throat and embraced himself from tearing up. He has became weak, for her. Never in his desolate life did he thought he would be in love with her. There were a lot of things in life he wanted to give up on but Maryann was never on the list. But now he watched her as she broke his heart into million pieces. Was this how she felt when he left her? Pain, a really bad one.

He surely regretted everything he had done to her. He would fix things between them even if it takes him forever to do that. But then, he remembered, why waste time on chasing her when he could directly speak with her father and make it official. She would definitely give up and take him back when he marries her!