Chapter 49: Chapter 49

Benjamin's room was amazing, if I doubted, it would take three of mine. The blue color with white details around allowed the environment to become very harmonious. I sit on his bed.

"Sorry for what happened," Benjamin's voice sounds low and then he sits next to me. "My father drives me crazy."

"It's okay. What would a 'family' dinner be without friction?" I try to make the moment more relaxed.

Benjamin lets out a short nasal laugh.

"Thank you." He looks at me. I stare into his fascinating and friendly blue eyes. "Really. If it weren't for you... I think I would have been kicked out of the house today." He opens a small weak smile.

Benjamin and I had spent a good time holding hands. He always made me feel better, so this time, I tried to reciprocate, even though it was a simple gesture.

I look away from him.

"I still can't believe we're going to be siblings." I chuckle and rest my hands on the bed.

"Yeah... What bad luck." He says in an ambiguous tone, but then lets out a small laugh.

"Benjamin..." I say in an attempt to change the subject, even though it was something I really wanted to know. "Do you plan to go back to London?" I asked, a little hesitant.

"Honestly? I haven't thought about it yet. My father irritates me, but... I also never liked the idea of living abroad." He vents. "Why? Do you plan to go back?"

"Honestly? I don't know." I shrug. "I feel a little lost. Part of me wants to go back, but... Another one... Doesn't see it as a priority."

Benjamin looks at me curiously.

"Is it because of your boyfriend?" He launched, perspicacious.

I sigh. Was it so obvious that my only reason to go back would be Joshua? Of course, I had my friends there, but to truly live in London again, it would be because of him. But we had been so distant lately that I was afraid.

"We've been too distant lately." I look at my heels.

"Alice, I'll be very honest." He moistens his lips. "I think you should, first, focus on yourself. Forget about this story of staying or not staying. If you have to go someday, you will, otherwise, you stay. So, I think you should build your future. Think about yourself first. Because we can't cling to 'later,' but rather what we're experiencing now. Dedicate ourselves to growing. So... Prioritize yourself. And not this doubt of whether to go back or not. Because while you think about that, you're just wasting time."

I analyze Benjamin's words. He was right. And I could see that some parts of his speech resembled what my father had said a few days ago. I think I should forget a little about this London story. If I had to go back someday, I would.

I smile gratefully and look at him.

"Thank you."

Benjamin was really being a good friend. I think the only good thing about my mother's new husband was the fact that I would gain a brother who could be my best friend. And that cheered me up a bit.

The silence inside Benjamin's room, allowing us to only exchange eye contact, was affecting me in a way that I couldn't explain. I felt butterflies in my stomach. And I had never felt that before. Looking at him, somehow, transmitted calmness. It was like the escape point of a person after a turbulent day. A safe harbor. And I couldn't understand that.

The bedroom door suddenly opens, distracting my attention from Benjamin. I look at the bouncing little girl in the doorway.

“Ali! We're already leaving!” Agatha says with a huge smile.

“I-I'm coming.” Flustered, I jump out of bed. “I... I'll see you later... Benjamin. Um... Thank you for dinner. See you... later.” I smile in farewell and head towards the door of his room.

“Why are you red, Ali?” Agatha comments, curious.

“What? No! It's just makeup. Let's go.” I pull her out of the room and walk quickly downstairs.

I hear my parents saying goodbye to Benjamin's parents.

“It was a pleasure to have you.” Benjamin's mother smiled, trying to be as welcoming as possible. But I still found her smile fake.

“I hope we can talk more about economics, Ian.” Edgar extended his hand to my father. The smile he carried on his lips was also fake.

“We hope we can be great friends, Alex.” The twins said in unison, smiling, Just like their parents, saying goodbye to my sister.

“Are you sure you don't want my driver to take you home?” Edgar asked.

“It's okay, Edgar. Don't worry. I'll take them.” My father smiled kindly.

Edgar narrowed his eyes, disagreeing with my father, but didn't say anything and just nodded his head.

“See you tomorrow?” Edgar referred to my mother and leaned in to give her a quick kiss.

“Of course, dear.” She smiled. But something told me that smile wasn't one of satisfaction.

“So, shall we, girls?” My father gathered us and we headed towards the HB20 parked in front of Benjamin's family's luxurious house.

My father goes around the car, about to get in, but is stopped by something that catches his attention. My mother and my sisters look in the same direction as my father. Curious, and about to turn around, I hear footsteps coming towards me and a gentle touch on my shoulder, making me turn. I come face to face with Benjamin. He leans in, and before I could say anything, I feel his lips on mine. And that feeling of butterflies in my stomach resurfaces. I freeze.

Slowly, Benjamin pulls his lips away from mine. His hands remained on my cheeks, while his clear eyes ― even more illuminated by the garden lights ― stared into mine.

I hear my father clear his throat.

“Alice, darling... We need to go. It's getting a little late.” He says with the intention of interrupting us.

Benjamin lets out a small laugh and returns to his normal posture.

“Good night.” He said to me and gave a farewell smile to my father.

Stunned, I quickly get in the car and buckle up. I press my lips together and stare fixedly at the street, embarrassed. And at the same time... Feeling a wave of new emotions invade me.

My father gets in the car, followed by my sisters and my mother. Soon, we leave the front of Benjamin's house, entering an avenue.

The silence inside the car only helped me think about that sudden kiss. I was tense. Would it be wrong if I liked that kiss? I repress that thought. I couldn't allow myself to say those things. I still liked Joshua, and I didn't know what I felt for Benjamin. Perhaps, everything he had done for me had contributed to my neediness.

"It's...," my father clears his throat once again. It was a clear attitude of someone who didn't know how to start a conversation but would try. "Daughter, it's... Don't you think one man from that family is enough for our family?" my father questioned, making me look at him surprised. "You know... He's your mother's boyfriend's son. Won't it be strange?"

"I'm not going to date Benjamin, Dad," I rebuke. At least, I hoped not.

"That was a big kiss!" Alex commented, laughing.

"Of course not! He just touched our lips."

"Sure, he didn't want it to be so intense in front of the family," she says with a mischievous smile on her face. I make a face at her. "But it was a big kiss."

I look back at the avenue and let out a sigh. I didn't want to feel torn. Benjamin had just put me on the fence.

***

The night seemed to have no end. I tossed and turned hundreds of times in bed. Agatha and Alex were already asleep. But I, I was still completely awake. And the worst part was that I couldn't stop thinking about Benjamin's kiss. That scene kept circling relentlessly in my head. What would I do now? Because it was clear that Benjamin had feelings for me.

He's a nice guy. Kind. Funny. Supportive. Not to mention very handsome. He had all the qualities to be the dream boyfriend. But, on the other hand, I wasn't sure if I saw him that way in my life.

Some people say that love is often right under our nose, in the person you least expect. But others say that love is not found everywhere because you have to allow yourself to love. And then there are those who believe in destiny. When you are destined for someone, no matter how much time passes, the two of you will meet.

But in the end, do we love because we really love that person, or is it the daily coexistence, their convenience in our lives that makes us love them?

I'm distant from Joshua now. And in the meantime, Benjamin appeared, giving me all the support I needed and what Joshua couldn't give me at the moment, since he was miles away from me. And living with Benjamin daily aroused feelings in me that I didn't recognize, or at least refused to recognize, since I still had feelings for Joshua.

Both had an incredible effect on me. Joshua made me feel and live every emotion intensely, while Benjamin made me feel the best of myself and completely safe. Joshua was that human version of Damon Salvatore, without the vampire fangs, of course, and the sarcastic sense of humor. As for Benjamin, he was a completely literal version of Matt Donovan. But of course, I couldn't take that comparison literally because it was a completely different world, and I wasn't an Elena Gilbert of life. Besides, if it was already hard without being her, imagine having to choose between one of the Salvatore brothers.

I sigh, exhausted from thinking only about that.

My phone vibrates on the nightstand. I reach for it. It was a message from Benjamin. What a coincidence.

Still awake?

Yes, I send.

I can't sleep. You too?

Good thing I wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep. I think to myself.

Yes.

You know, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. About our kiss. I think I acted a bit hastily. I acted on the heat of the moment. Benjamin sends.

Are you regretting it? I ask.

No! Never! But I completely forgot about Joshua and what you still feel for him, and that's bothering me. Because I'm really starting to like you, Alice. But I don't want to have expectations. I don't want to like a girl who likes another guy.

I sigh. As I had imagined. He really was starting to like me, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt him. Besides, I was completely confused about my own feelings. That neediness, that distance from Joshua was leading me down a path I hadn't expected to cross.

What if there was nothing left between me and Joshua? Would I have wasted an incredible guy like Benjamin? But on the other hand, choosing Benjamin because of the lack of Joshua could also make me lose an incredible guy. I was only asking for a sign. A sign that could make me stop being so indecisive.

I'm startled by a new notification. If that was a sign from heaven, it had been the quickest answer to all my prayers. Joshua had just sent me a message, after a few days.

R u there?

Yeah, I send

Sorry I haven't talked to u in the last few days. Those were difficult days. The company went through a small crisis, but now everything's fine. How r u?

How was I? Well, where should I start? I sigh and decide not to tell the truth, since I didn't want to talk about Benjamin with him. I simply respond that I'm fine.

I'm fine. And u?

I'm terrible. I miss you.

Me too.

And how I missed him. If I could, I would hug him tightly right now.

How's it going there in Brazil?

Certainly, he would go crazy if I told him detail by detail. I then remember Gregory's messages, which told me to talk to Joshua. I think now I could get rid of all the uncertainties and insecurities that were surrounding me.

Finally, I decide to write a very explanatory text about what happened in Brazil since my arrival. From my fatal discovery about my mother's marriage to my friend's father, to the iconic dinner at Benjamin's parents' house. But clearly still hiding Benjamin's kiss.

OMG! How crazy! I can't even imagine what it was like for you to have to experience it all. I send.

But are you really okay?

There were still two things that bothered me. The first one, my huge indecision about "Brazil or London". And I believed that there was no one better than Joshua himself to advise me. After all, he was the pivot of that indecision. And the second... I wanted to know what he had to say about ‘Samantha’.

As a matter of fact, I think I lied at first. I'm not really okay. I'm confused whether or not I should go back to London. Some people advised me to stay in Brazil and build my future.

I confess to Joshua that at the beginning of the messages, I had lied about really being okay and that I was confused whether or not to go back to London. I also say that some people advised me to stay in Brazil and build my future.

And what do you really want?

That answer was more than clear to me. To stay with him, but also, to fulfill my dream of being an artist.

Stay with you. But also, fulfill my dream of being an artist.

Joshua takes a while to respond and I soon realize that I have to reply to Benjamin. I need to give him an answer. And, thank God, I'm already sure of what I should say to him now.

Sorry for the delay. I had to do something - I omit the message. Benjamin, you're amazing, really. And I know you would be an amazing boyfriend. But I still love Joshua. And I won't be able to forget him so easily. I also feel something for you, but it's not like a boyfriend, but just as a friend. And I can't go along with a feeling I don't feel. I don't want you to get hurt. I hope we can still be friends.

A few seconds later, Benjamin responds.

Of course, we'll still be friends, Ali. And I'm glad you were honest. That doubt was killing me. Well, now I have to sleep, it's already late. Good night, Ali.

"Good night, Benjamin."

Although I felt that maybe he could be a little upset, it was necessary. Joshua was really the one I liked, and I couldn't deceive someone else's feelings. A message notification from Joshua arrives on my phone.

I want to be with you too, Lissa. But first, I want you to think about your future. I want you to fulfill your dreams. I want to see you happy. And I can visit you in Brazil.

Incredibly, reading those messages filled my heart with life again. I knew I would find the answer I had been waiting for in Joshua. And his last message, saying he could come visit me in Brazil, calmed my restless heart that was pulsing for London again.

And finally, now, I could rest.