Chapter 20: Chapter 20

"I-I'm not avoiding you."

"No?" He expresses a mocking smile on his lips. "That's not what Samantha said."

I mentally grumble for having trusted her. How could she have told Joshua about the conversation we had earlier?

"So, it's true?" He adds.

I cross my arms indignantly and focus my gaze on the wall behind him, trying not to stare at him.

"Samantha had no right to tell you."

"You also had no right to talk about my personal life," he retorts. "But here I am, wanting to talk."

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. It seems that this time, I really couldn't escape from that conversation.

"Look, if it's about what happened yesterday, it's better to let it go. It's not that important..."

"It may not be important to you, but it is to me," he interrupts. "Alice, do you really think I would waste my time chasing after a girl if it wasn't really important?" He furrows his brow.

I moisten my lips and shake my head. Maybe it was time to be honest. Especially with myself.

"Joshua, I know what you're going to say," I look at him this time. "But have you ever stopped to think that maybe you're mistaken? Thinking that you're in love with me when it's just something fleeting?"

Joshua remains silent, only his brown eyes moving, analyzing mine. But he speaks again soon after.

"It's better to be deceived by feelings than to omit them."

His words hit my chest like a blade. It was as if, for a moment, he had read all the thoughts I had in the past few days. I always pulled back whenever the idea of falling in love with him emerged in my head.

"What do you expect me to do? Believe that you really like me? And that I'm special to you? Or that you don't feel anything anymore for your obsessive ex-girlfriend?"

I furrow my brow, waiting for his response.

"Yes," he says without hesitation and shrugs. "But you don't want to believe me, thinking you know everything about feelings."

My lips part slightly at hearing him call me a 'know-it-all.'

"What did you say?" I look at him incredulously.

"And, isn't it true?"

"No!"

"Then, prove me wrong, Alice. Show me that I'm mistaken about you." He leans his face towards mine as if he wants to provoke me. And he was succeeding, because my heart was beating faster than usual. "Make me see that I'm really deceiving myself."

I suppress all my emotions.

"Do you think it's worth liking someone who doesn't like you back?" I sound sharp, intending to make him give up on the idea of liking me.

Joshua widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows, looking shaken.

"So, say it. Loud and clear. Are you that person?"

I feel a shiver run down my spine.

"I don't have to prove anything to you!" I raise my voice, meeting his gaze.

"So you're admitting what you feel," he says.

"That doesn't mean anything!" I reply in an agitated tone.

"And why are you nervous then?"

"I'm not!" Joshua continued to provoke me.

"It's not the answer your body is giving," he says.

"You don't know anything, Scott!" I exclaim, stunned.

"Maybe it's me who doesn't know?" he wonders.

"What do you think you'll get from me? A 'I like you too'? If you think you can easily win me over like you did with other women you've been with, you're mistaken. I won't give in again..."

I feel his hand slide down to my waist and pull my body against his, our faces inches apart, our lips almost touching.

Joshua had caught me off guard once again. The second kiss also came unexpectedly. Those short conversations seemed to be a magnet between us, making me weak in relation to him.

"What do I have to do for you to believe that I really do like you?" he whispers against my lips.

I look into his eyes with my mouth slightly open, barely able to react, just listening to the sound of my breath.

"I can't feel anything else for Madelyn. She's just someone from my past who returned after months. I understand your hesitation about me. But, Alice, I ask you to believe in my words. It's been a long time since I've felt like this." His eyes calmly scan my face. "I just want you to understand that... It's you that I want."

"Are you being... sincere?" I say almost in a whisper.

"I haven't been like this for a long time. And... I'm sure about what I want. About what I feel. But the choice is yours, Alice. I can't force you to stop repressing what you feel for me."

"Joshua..." I whisper. "I don't know what to say."

"I just ask that you believe what I say. I'm as messed up as you are. But I really want this to work. And I'm not just saying it."

Speechless, I think about saying something, but nothing comes to mind. Thankfully, someone knocks on the door, interrupting us and opening it immediately.

"Joshua..." one of Joshua's friends enters the room without being invited. "Sorry. They're waiting for you downstairs."

"I'll be right there," he replies shortly.

The young blond man leaves, leaving Joshua and me alone again.

"Think about everything I said."

He walks away from me and leaves the room, leaving me alone.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I put my hand on my chest and bite my lower lip. I lean against the door and slide down it until I'm sitting on the floor. I couldn't think straight. The only thing that kept running through my mind incessantly was Joshua's last words: It's you that I want.

Is it?

***

I gaze at the white ceiling of the bedroom. The clock on the nightstand beside the bed showed it was two o'clock in the morning. Since I arrived in London, my insomnia had worsened, and I didn't know if it was due to the time difference or all the things that were happening.

Joshua had been completely different from what he had told me some time ago. He assured me that what happened with other girls he had been involved with while working at his parents' house would not happen to me. But which part? Being just another one or being involved with me? That's what made me hesitant to believe what he said.

If he had guaranteed that what he had done wouldn't repeat itself, and now he's making everything he said in vain, what should I really believe? The Joshua who told me this the day after he met me, or the Joshua I've been living with for three-four days?

I wish I could believe him so easily, really. But for that, he should demonstrate much more than he was showing.

I feel my stomach growl, and I suddenly remember that I had hardly eaten anything the day before. I had a bad habit of going a long time without eating. Sometimes, one or two meals were enough to keep me satisfied for the whole day. I knew it was wrong, but I didn't always feel so hungry.

But now I knew I really needed to eat something, as my stomach wouldn't stop growling.

I get up from the bed and walk barefoot downstairs. I briefly observe my reflection in the window glass of the living room, seeing myself in a severely short Hollister shorts and a Death Metal shirt almost twice my size.

As I enter further into the living room, I realize that Joshua was sleeping on the couch. His laptop was resting on the glass coffee table with the screen in sleep mode. Maybe he had worked late and ended up falling asleep there.

I pass by him, tiptoeing, trying not to make any noise to wake him up.

I turn on the kitchen light and search for some slices of bread in the cabinets, grabbing them and putting them in the toaster.

I lean against the counter while I wait for the toast to be ready. The early hours of the morning were captivating. The silence was enjoyable. The only advantage of staying awake during the night was that I could observe a quiet world, away from all the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

The toaster makes a noise, indicating that the toast was ready.

I lean over to grab a plate from the dish rack and end up feeling my elbow bump against something on the counter that falls to the floor and makes a horrendous noise of glass breaking.

I squint my eyes upon hearing the sound. I quickly scan towards where the object had broken, and I realize it was a glass. I mentally curse myself for not noticing what was on the counter.

I just hoped that Joshua hadn't woken up from the noise.

I grab a napkin from the other side of the counter and bend down to pick up the glass shards.

"What happened?" I hear a sleepy voice. I raise my head and see Joshua leaning over the counter. He had narrow eyes, as if trying to get used to the brightness.

"Sorry for waking you up," I say.

"What was that?" He tilts his head to get a better look over the counter.

"I accidentally broke a glass. But I'll clean it up."

"You could cut yourself."

Joshua complains when he sees me on my knees, barefoot with a cloth in my hands.

"I'll get a broom. Move away from there," he says.

Even though he tells me to move away, I couldn't leave those glass shards on the kitchen floor. Besides, I was already taking care of it and would finish quickly. I toss the napkin over the broken glass, crumpling it. But before I can pick them up from the floor, I feel arms wrap around my waist, lifting me off the ground.

"Hey! What are you doing?" I struggle until I'm placed sitting on the countertop.

"You didn't hear what I said?" He raises his eyebrows and kneels down at the level of my feet, lifting them and examining them.

"Hey! Stop!" I end up laughing as I feel his touch on my feet, tickling me.

Then he does the same with my knees.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I complain.

"Don't you listen to others?" He furrows his brow, returning to his normal height.

I raise my eyebrows. That wasn't the point.

"That's not the point. I was just cleaning up something I broke."

"On your knees and barefoot? And trying to pick up the shards with a cloth?"

"So what?"

"What if you hurt yourself? What if a piece of glass got into your foot and you had to undergo surgery to remove it?" He says dramatically.

I end up laughing at his excessive concern.

"Joshua, I'm fine! I didn't hurt myself."

"What if you had?" He says perplexed.

"But I didn't cut myself!" I retort.

I narrow my eyes and make a face. I realize he was between my legs, and his hands were very close to my bare thighs.

"C-Could you please step away?"

He opens his mouth as if he's going to say something, but he doesn't and moves away from me abruptly.

"Thank you." I force a smile and step down from the countertop.

Even though he seems reluctant, his gaze travels over my body, examining me.

"I like the shirt," he says.

I lower my gaze and realize how I'm dressed. I grunt, trying to cover my thighs with my hands.

"Could you turn around, please?"

"Are you serious?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Turn around!" I order.

"Pff..." He rolls his eyes and does as I ask.

"Thank you."

I approach the dish rack and grab a plate, placing slices of bread on it. I look for a jar of jam in the refrigerator.

"Can you tell me how long I'll have to stay like this?" she crossed her arms.

"Until I leave the kitchen!" I grabbed the jar of jam and spread it over the two slices of bread, joining them to make a single sandwich.

"Samantha also told me that you plan to leave here," Joshua brought up the subject suddenly. His tone sounded disapproving, which made me hesitate a bit in responding. It seemed like Samantha had really told him everything.

"Do you really want to go?" he insisted on hearing an answer from me.

And I couldn't leave him without one, especially considering everything he had done for me.

"Yes. I think I need a place of my own," I replied.

"And have you... found one yet?"

"Yes. I'll be moving after work."

"That was fast," he said almost in a whisper. "I guess you asked Samantha for help in finding a place."

"Actually... Gregory, the owner of the café, helped me. I didn't know who else to ask for help, and he was the most available person at the moment."

Joshua nodded and fell silent, as if processing every word I said.

"And... I also enrolled in college. I'll start in a week."

"That's great, Alice. Really," Joshua said and fell silent. With nothing else to say, I took a small bite of the jam sandwich and started to walk out of the kitchen.