Chapter 78: Chapter 78

Chapter 76: The none-acceptance

Pangs of conscience.

Guilt ridden, Merrigold woke up with a change of heart. Just as she was about to give in, desperate for love, desperate for someone's protection, desperate for someone to constantly remind her that she was not alone in this pregnancy. In Austin's bare arms that night her in her dreams she relived his horridness. Her nightmare reminded her that she had become comfortable in the lions den. The feelings she had when she had tried unyieldingly tried to take her own life were back. Questions swam in her thoughts, just how long would this last before Austin kicked her to the curb? She could not depend on him. Even if he wanted this child, how long would that last... as soon as it became hard he would throw in the towel. Nothing was going in her favor, she had lost Mr Cunningham's respect. She was staying on his property, to live a rather peaceful life... she had to be on good terms with the man. Fear ran through her body when she remembered, she was in an unknown lodge not too far from home. She needed to get home. What was she thinking? Merrigold panicked. Her thoughts getting the best of her. Her hate for Austin, grew back. It was best this way. He was not a good person, Merrigold only needed to remind herself incase it had slipped her mind everything that he had put her through. She felt him pull her closer against his rigid chest. Unmoving, Merri closed her eyes remembering the first time he had hit her straight across the face. The second time when she lost her child, the child she was meant to have with Thomas. He was merciless, as if his aim was to kill her. More and more memories included her clasped legs and Austin forcefully spreading her thighs apart. Even if she begged, it was as if he thrived off her fear for him, her pleading... only a mentally unstable person could enjoy and climax from having forced intercourse with someone involuntarily.

Without a word, Merrigold pulled away from his embrace. Picking up her maternity dress that was laid on the end of a chair. Sleeping bare was more comfortable especially in her state and Austin was always begging to feel or rather bond with his unborn offspring. Something she could not deny him. Merrigold was grateful, Austin had made an effort to get her maternity clothes. That was nice of him, she thought as she watched him sleep.

"but you're still an evil bastard." She muttered under her breath. His messy locks sprawled on the cream pillow case. His chest heaved up and down, soundly... it had been hard to pull away from him but he eventually let her go. Pink lips puckered, his aristocratic nose could never go unnoticed. Buttoning the last button, she exhaled sidling again the wall. As Merrigold watched him sleep, she only felt resentment for him. Out of curiosity, she wondered what it would look like... this was unheard of. She had never witnessed or seen a mulatto in person. Ofcourse there had been talks all around about them increasingly being born out of forced intercourse but never in her life did she assume she would be having one. Austin was... lookable, Merrigold admired. As much as she felt nothing but bitterness and fury towards him, she knew she would be lying to herself if she called him hideous.

"I don't love him." Merri muttered under her breath looking away from where he was sleeping. Just as quickly her eyes went back to him. He looked so peaceful asleep, would their child be—

"No!" Merri dismissed the thoughts almost immediately. This was not happening, Merri stood with her decision of giving Austin his child. The minute he forced her thighs open, he knew what he was doing therefore she felt she was not responsible. It was hard for her to believe that she had gotten pregnant in Manchester. To ease her guilt, she told herself she had gotten pregnant when he took advantage. Feeling nauseous at the thought, she remembered every second of it. The feeling... when he finished off inside her as it trickled down her between her thighs. It had to have been in that very unhappy moment, she told herself. Watching him sleep, he seemed like a different person. Abruptly he flipped his eyes open, their eyes met as she sat in the far corner. She was guilty, even though she had quickly looked away. Merrigold knew he had already seen her watching him intensely in deep thought.

"...observing your lover while he sleeps, sounds like something Shakespeare would write, do you think not?" Austin smirked sitting up on the headboard of the bed. His body seemed so perfect, arms strong and chest defined, torso tight and perfectly boarded with a V line going into his—

no.

"Come here love..." Austin called softly.

As much as her heart yearned to hear that, as much as her skin shivered at his distinct nickname for her, hesitantly shook her head betraying every lustful thought that had invaded her mind. Austin noticed the change in atmosphere as the smile on his face dropped. Concerned, he had assumed they had a good day together the day before.

"Everything alright?"

"When will you take me back?"

"So soon?" He asked.

"Your father isn't pleased by this mistake of ours already as it is and my sleeping here... what if they looked for me?" Merri sighed.

"Mistake? It's not a mistake."

"I'm sick to death of this." Merrigold let out. "I want this to be over, I'm glad your father returned. Perhaps now you will leave me alone and go back to Manchester."

"You're being irrational Merri. If I returned to Manchester what about our—"

"I'm not quite sure but all I know is I'm not and I will not be taking any part in it. As soon as I give birth, I want to go back to my normal life and forget about all this. Austin, I was so happy so happy..." she mumbled tears under her eyes. "I was so happy before you returned and changed everything. I was innocent... you corrupted me in so many ways. I do not like the person I've become. I wish— I never knew any of the things you opened up to me about. I wish I never knew you. I could have been happy with Thomas, I wouldn't be asking for more if I didn't know more. You showed me more and now it seems I will never be satisfied. I can only compare to what you've made me feel. Are you not tired of this cycle of this poisonous relation of ours? I sure am. I'm tired of being unsure of my feelings. You make me so frustrated and unsure of anything."

Austin watched closely as she spoke. She was serious, maybe supposedly correct. Their up and down was getting too noxious and unbearable. A part of him seemed to confuse him, he was in awe watching her speak... with evidence of her pregnancy for him now showing. Something about that made him so joyful and he felt nothing but pride when looking at her. She was so beautiful, her dark skin always looked so smooth to touch fondly. Her eyes as white as could be, alluring he thought. Her irises were so dark brown they resembled a dark shade of black. He had been with so many women who had various colorful eyes, rendered an attractive feature but him? He wanted the girl with the darkness in her eyes. Her dark iris looking like a blackhole leading him into a dimension of ecstasy and pleasure. Unfortunately whenever they were intimate, she closed them when all he wanted was to explore deeper within their pleasure.

"I love you." Austin smiled.

"Were you listening?" She questioned a little confused.

"Yes, I was then I remembered that I do not express that enough. That, I love you. Granted I'm not the best partner at all. What do I know about treating women? Nothing absolutely nothing. I never got to understand boundaries, I never got to understand the concept of rejection... it's only been recent that I'm learning no means no. It does not mean otherwise—" with a sigh he continued. "I'm not fishing for your sympathy but with Stella, it was always forceful even if I told her I did not want to, she'd always continue to make me hard. I assumed because I was hard it meant I wanted it just as much. I've come realize that... it seems I carried on with that, I always take no as a yes, as an even better invite. Deranged... I've come to realize."

There was silence.

"I—" Merrigold had no words.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Austin smiled. "Like I said earlier, I'm not fishing for sympathy. You have every right to be enraged with me and everything I've put you through. Not even an apology will compensate for the pain, I'm aware and I understand very well. I only ask that you never take your life again for... our child."

Merrigold's demeanor immediately changed.

"Why are you not afraid?" She asked.

"Afraid of what?"

"If you assume this child will come out looking normal then you're gravely mistaken. I assume you forgot that..."

"It seems someone has been putting thoughts in your head."

It was true. Merrigold had overheard people at the commune expressing their concerns for what would come out of her. There was no mulatto at the Cunningham ranch, this would be the first. People were rather excited to see what happens when a Caucasian and an ordinary nigger mate. Some said it would come out black some said it would be disabled and cursed, there were simply so many provoking thoughts they put in Merrigold's mind. She was afraid.

"This is wrong." She let out fearfully. "This is not allowed, it will be beyond cursed and—"

"Is there a bible verse that suggests so?"

Shaking her head, Merrigold looked down at the beige carpet.

"What if it's disabled because—"

Austin laughed. "See Merri these are the inanity nonsense they tell you to scare you, it's not true. Nothing happens when two people who love each other show each other physically how much they love each other... nothing happens. No you will not be cursed. Absolutely nothing occurs. It's all nonsense to inflict fear within you."

"There's a reason why this isn't allowed." Merrigold replied with anguish.

"Why, give me a valid one why?"

Merrigold could not give one, it frustrated her how he always wanted to be right. It annoyed her how he always wanted to prove that he was smarter and she was rather irrational. Getting out of bed, he ran a hand through his black key hair, walking towards her. He cornered her against the wall. She bit on her lip not liking the reaction her body gave. She wanted more, no she did not, yes she did. Having an inner battle with her conscience. There stood the man she was undeniably inlove with, he had flaws so many, countless, he was horrible, unbearable but she could not help but feel the way she felt. She tried so hard to hate him to remind herself that he was no saint. Without a word, he wrapped his arms around her. Strong built, she loved the feeling of being secure and protected. He smelt so good, didn't he always... regardless of her hating his cologne, it had become his identity. She hugged him back regardless of her stomach stopping her from feeling his bulge. Merri felt embarrassed admitting that it had always been the best part, feeling every inch if him. They were alone undisturbed a bit far from home, she felt needy for him.

"...Austin..."

"Yes, love."

She began to cry in his arms. "I don't want this."

Confused, he did not ask. He laid a gentle kiss on her forehead. In her mind, it was I do not want to love you. She was finding it impossibly hard to get over him.

"Lay back on the bed for me, I want to ma—"

"No." Merri told him immediately even though her mind had gotten excited at first thought.

With a chuckle, Austin pulled away and replied. "I want to eat you out. You at least deserve that for tolerating me and my child for the past six months."

Merri's mind went blank then excited. She remembered the first time he did it. It was so nice. He was so good. She would not deny herself of such pleasures.

"It's almost a year now since we met." Merrigold told him.

"Yes, think of it as an anniversary gift. I pondered hard if I should get you something anything but you constantly say your life was perfect before I arrived. So it's only logical that we do not celebrate us meeting."

"It's not... but there are some good parts."

Still at close proximity, he asked "What are some of them?"

She stared up at him innocently then looked back at his bare chest. He was tall.

"For the first time, I left Marlborough something I never thought I'd do. I got to see a different life from what I'm accustomed to."

"As soon as they abolish slavery, we should leave this dump." He interrupted. "I will show you more places and this time, we will actually go outside than stay indoors and make children like we did in Manchester."

Merrigold blushed then immediately stopped in her tracks.

"It's coming to an end???"

"Yes, in about five or more months it should be implemented. It has been a long time coming."

Merrigold could not help the feel of happiness that exploded within her. She hugged him tight. Then she whispered. "Don't forget..."

"Forget what?" He teased.

They both knew. Fair enough he did as he had promised. She was shy at first, opening her thighs for a man was beyond terrifying. She had not shaved, Austin assured her it was fine. He touched her breasts down to her vulva. Just at the flick of the bud, she was already moist for him. As soon as his tongue made contact with her clit, butterflies swam in her stomach up to her throat leaving her helpless. Her climax came quickly, it felt so good. She needed that. Austin told her she was stunning as he laid besides her. She wanted more... seeing and feeling how hard he was, she wanted him to put it in. She missed the feeling of being full. She missed his body against hers. Straddling him, Austin smiled before laying her down. "Trust me you do not want that, the minute it's over you will regret it. I know I'm your least favorite person right now and for me to take advantage of your vulnerable state of expecting and feeling needy would be devious of me."

Merri knew he was right, she would regret sleeping with him. She always did. Not protesting against it, they showered together. How comfortable she felt being naked around Austin scared her. They kissed here and there but nothing askew. In these moments, Merrigold realized she was in denial. How was she supposed to hate him when he was gently washing her back and attentively kissing her bump and talking to his child while the water was running. How was she supposed to hate him when he was being gentle, funny and bearable. There was no way out of this, Merri had to pretend to hate him for her own sake. She would do it until she believed it.

That was her reason for being rude at the Gallagher's, at Panashe, at William, at Austin, at everyone. She could not display what she felt for Austin. What normal person could feel so strongly for someone who caused her so much pain. What was assuring was seeing Christian... he was normal? He was not disabled? Or cursed or? Was it all a lie then? Christian was so well mannered. It made her think of her own child but that's not something she was ready to embrace. What shocked her even more was the relationship Austin's friend had with... someone just like herself. It was shocking to say the least. They had a child together too? They seemed so happy, Merrigold couldn't wait to leave because all of it made her want to cuddle up and cry indenial of her feelings. She wondered what could she do to not feel this way. Would she ever fall for another? William said he felt two movements as he pressed her belly from side to side. Merrigold was not surprised, but Austin was. He was ecstatic. This only confirmed double the problems for them. Merrigold was not ready for such.