Chapter 45: Chapter 45

Chapter 43: The guilt.

He was used to the foul odor of the stable. It had not been the first night, he had spent a night in the godforsaken place. Blinking his eyes open, being greeted by the eyes of the almost 7ft horses blinking at him in oblivion, as they stood in their small compartments. Something he was quite used to but something was not right, it did not feel right. Feeling the weight of someone on his chest, he panicked. Merri was not here, this was not Merri... this was Merri's place, Faith was not Merri. What was Faith doing—

In the mist of his confusion, it all suddenly dawned onto him what he had done. He had allowed the devil to use him to commit adultery. He felt sick to his chest, guilt was all he felt in tank loads. In his entire life, he had never seen himself being with anyone other than Merri. He had failed her, failed their commitment and relationship. Thomas felt that even though she had wronged him, he would never try to do the same or be that petty of a person. His heart leapt with criminality. Faith clinged even tighter onto him, his chest faltered...

"...Faith..." He said in a whispered tone.

"You're awake already?" Faith said opening her eyes confused as she took in her surrounding. She smiled when she saw Thomas's bare chest, running her fingers down his chest hair. She grinned.

"...I apologize for misleading you." Thomas said almost immediately.

"You did not? We both wanted this." Faith said standing up, stretching her arms she buttoned her dull looking dress that reached her ankles.

"We shouldn't have..." Thomas added, standing up towering over her, his face only showed confusion and blameworthiness.

"Which part should we not have done?"

"Everything!" Thomas added a little aggressive. "I was lonely and vulnerable... missing my Merri."

Faith rolled her eyes. "Does she miss you where ever she is? That is the question."

Thomas sat down onto the many stacks of hay. In distress, he let out a quiver. He had no reason to justify everything they had done. He could not blame her either. Thomas felt responsible. As a man he should have been able to hold his peace, when she did despicable things to him. Not even Merri had ever done that. He was disgusted with himself, how Faith had licked his manhood and seduced him into releasing into her mouth. He had never in his life experienced such. He had no knowledge of such sexual encounters. Thomas felt those were encounters were purely of the devil. Sex between a man and a woman, had nothing to do with the mouth only their most private areas.

"This was a disgusting sin, Faith. We ought to be ashamed of ourselves." He said in distress.

"You enjoyed every second of it, from my memory the way you pulled at my hair pushing yourself in my mouth that did not seem as if you were being held hostage or suffering."

"...disgusting!.." he muttered under his breath.

"Stop pretending you feel nothing for me Thomas, stop lying to yourself please; I beg of you. Do not—" Faith let out a snivel. "Don't you dare make me feel worthless... this was my first experience with a man and I should be overjoyed not shameful."

"Please, I'm sorry do not cry—"

"...you're making this out to be my fault. I never forced you into my vagina or my mouth." Faith sniffed, faking sorrowful tears. Thomas felt horrid, he could only stand up to comfort her.

"I apologize, it is entirely my fault."

Hugging him closer, she smiled knowing he could not see her facial expression. "We must have made something beautiful."

"Please! I beg of you, do not speak of it..."

"...Merri could not carry your child but I sure can."

"You can not, Please there has to be a way to reverse this. I'm sorry to disappoint you Faith but once Merri returns, I ought to tell her the truth as shameful as it is."

"Tell the truth about us?"

"Yes, about the mistake I've made."

"Thomas when will it occur to you that she does not care about you at all. Wherever she is, she is happy with him."

"Stop it Faith, you do not know Merri the way I do."

"If you knew her well then you'd know that she loves Austin, there I said it."

"Why are you so bitter Faith? What is the matter with you? Why do you hate Merri so much? You need help!" He turned to walk away but Faith pulled him back.

"I do not at all have any hatred for Merri. All I know is the poor girl loves that white man to the moon and beyond. You haven't seen how her face brightens when he enters the room or the manner in which she speaks to him or the little gestures they give each other under the dinner table assuming no one can witness their foolery. She loves him, Thomas not you. She loves him Austin Cunningham."

"You have ruined my day, my week, mood and entire life!" Thomas yelled, frustrated.

"It's the truth allow it to sink in."

"What do you gain from all this? Tell me please? Since you're such a good person telling me all these hidden secrets. What exactly do you gain from this?"

Faith was quiet.

"I—"

"Nothing, therefore I refuse to believe it."

"I gain a chance with you." She said almost immediately. Her hand laid flat on his chest trying to stop him from moving away from her.

"A chance with me?" Thomas seemed confused.

"I enjoyed every second with you last night. Call it a mistake or whatever it is you choose to but I loved every second of it. I do not regret you being my first lover, my only wish is you remain my one and only. Unlike Merri, I'm untouched and pure. I will never seek another. I will never betray you. All this belongs to you Thomas, for your pleasure and for you, only you." With a sigh, she looked up at him. "Remember when we were kids..." she laughed. "When we were close... we'd do everything together. Then Merri and her brother arrived, you suddenly stopped being my friend or anything of that sort. You became distant. When we were kids when we'd play that game, you told me you would marry me one day. I suppose you forgot all that. I never did, I could never. I had to watch her take you away from me, I was happy and content from afar. I accepted that you loved Merri but I could not watch you try to risk your life for her adultery ways."

Taking a step back. "It was a game, Faith. You shouldn't have taken it so serious."

"It was not."

"It was a game, I remember perfectly well. I'd play father and you'd play mother. You'd cook up mud and I'd pretend to love it and it was a game. A banter, I never thought for a second that...you took it seriously."

"Why are you lying Thomas? You even kissed me."

"I do not recall any of that but all I know is I was a nine year old kid playing with a seven year old who took it to heart."

"You're unbelievable." Faith said clearly hurt.

"I apologize, if I had known that I had misled you—"

"No, it's fine. Keep it to yourself!" She said quickly wiping her tears away.

"Well... I suppose I can only wish you well with Merri. It was a mistake."

"I never intended on hurting you, Faith."

She walked away then turned back.

"You should have told me all this before you penetrated me and made me believe that you had a change of heart and it was us just us all over again."

"I'm sorry, Faith. I really am."

"I want you, you want your Merri, your Merri wants her Austin, her Austin wants her. Why do you not realize that you and I are the only fools in this circle."

"Merri loves me." Thomas said defensively. "I know she does, I'm sorry you had to go through all this. I will tell Merri the truth the minute she returns."

"Good for you, Thomas. Good for you! We will see where your holiness takes you." With that she walked all, her steps aggressive with anger. The tears she had been faking were easily falling now.

"I wish you well, I really do!" Thomas yelled. He could only think, what have I done? What is this mess I have created? Self condemnation was the only feeling, he felt.

—

Waking up to an empty bed, Merri remembered her and Austin had sorted out their differences and decided to... she sighed. Hoping that he had changed his mind, this early morning. Merri felt discontent, not knowing what exactly did she want? She got out of bed, searching the next room... it was empty. He had already made his bed, something Austin never did. The smell of tobacco, led her to him. His back facing sightly view of his compound from his second story balcony. She noted that his most favorite place in any house was the balcony. Suppose because it allowed him to smoke freely with the wind blowing the foul odor away.

"Good morning." She let out.

Turning around, he smiled slightly.

"Good morning." Hiding his cigar the back like a child caught doing wrong. "I'm nearly done, is there anything wrong?" He questioned, knowing how much she hated when he smoked.

"Simply greeting you."

"...uh...oh... how thoughtful."

"Can...I?"

"Can you?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I slept alone last night, it has been an awful while since I have. It felt cold and mournful." In her feelings, she could not help but admire his messy hair, he looked rather tired... the dark circles under his eyes. She went to hug him, he did not return it, merely confused by her actions.

"What is it you want from me Merrigold?"

"What?"

"You push me away only to miss me... I'm clueless as to what is it you want from me? If you're trying to seduce me into having sex then regretting it after please... I'm tired of this. I'd rather not." He said pulling away, he looked frustrated, having a pull of his smoke at hand exhaling away from her face.

"So this is it?" She questioned.

"Excuse me?" He questioned a little confused.

"You will return to your life and forget about this poor slave girl. I presume you have all these blondes lined up and waiting for you to give them attention..."

"Quit being ridiculous, Merrigold."

"How am I being ridiculous? You probably have a mail book of addresses of pretty women waiting for your writing invite to spend the night here..."

Rolling his eyes at her, he attempted to walk away from her but she wouldn't allow him.

"What is it you want from me Merrigold?" He asked harshly making her shiver.

"I want you." Merri said lowly staring at him.

"I'm not having sex with you. We can do anything else but not that."

"Make love then, is that it?"

"Goodness gracious Merri, can we be normal just this once! Stop playing with my feelings. You feel lustful, it is perfectly normal to feel that way but you can not keep using me this way for your selfish needs."

"I loathe this, please do not push me away..." Stepping on her tippy toes, she leaned in for a kiss. Not minding the stench, infact it had became an odor she identified with Austin. He seemed hesitant, pulling his head back as to avoid the kiss.

"I'm horrid at this, I can not begin to tell you how I feel but I can show you. I can not explain it, that is." Merri let out, his eyes softened looking at her. "If you allow me?" She added softly. Austin wanted to decline, he needed to for his own well-being and clarity but like the many times he has lost self control in her presence. He allowed her to lead them into his bedroom, closing the door to the balcony shut, she turned the lock. He knew she would drive him crazy, he was already allowing it.