Chapter 35: Chapter 35

Chapter 33: Merrigold.

I could not sleep that night. I could not dare close my eyes as I resided with my perpetrator. A part of me feared that he would come as soon as I let my guard down so I did not. I busied myself, did as much cleaning as I could around the forsaken house. I wanted to forget it all, if I could. I wish I could. I felt void of everything. I wondered where I'd beget the strength to be here in this very same house. My tears refused to fall, my throat felt dry and a bitter taste of metallic dazed me as I bit my lip harder than I should have from anxiety. I refused to remove my jersey for it would display my bare scars and wounds that I hid underneath. Everything seemed to be going alright for the rest of the day except for the pitiful stares that everyone gave me. Lady Bertha then came in a hurry to drop off her kids, claiming she was still not on speaking terms with her brother but at this point she was desperate and had no one to leave them with for the weekend. My loneliness was overjoyed, a part of me was relieved... I would not be alone with him. A part of me leapt with sorrow... my child would never see the age ten and eight like Bertha's kids. Well not even the age one.

"Everyone has to eat, won't you convince her Lily, Peter?" He pestered me yet again, I stared at him with so much hatred and ire.

"You have to eat Merri! Uncle Lio is right." Lilian said with her two front teeth missing. Peter only nodded as he stuffed his face with food. I refused to acknowledge his many names, to me he would always be Austin the monster. Shaking my head at his attempt to guilt trip me by using these adorable kids that only made me think of my lost one. If I had the appetite maybe I would but everything I put in my mouth always came back up. I excused myself, hearing the loud cry of a chair being pushed back against the kitchen tiles. It only meant he was following right behind me, heading for the study he closed the door right behind us. I was afraid and not at the same time. My fear subsided knowing he could never do anymore harm than he had already done. Knowing that if I could cut my own flesh with a razor and feel nothing, the pain he would cause me would probably be close to nothing. There was nothing more, I hated than his scent. It brought me through a cycle of painful memories.

"Merrigold, are you trying to kill yourself?" He asked, seeming frustrated. I continued looking through the financial books piled up on his mahogany desk. Why would I bother replying... when it was quite obvious.

"Merri?" He called a little softer now.

"I want to be done for the week, hopefully you will allow me to leave... till the next coming week."

"So you can go where?"

With a sigh, I shrugged. "To my brother who else? If it's Thomas you're worried about then please don't, he wants nothing to do with me. If it's any other man then worry not, no sane man would want me looking like this or knowing I'm damaged goods. I can not even keep a pregnancy till full term but I'm here, all yours to despoil and entertain you."

"You could walk in rags, cut your hair or grow your hair or however you see fit. Regardless, you remain radiant and beautifully bewitching... even I'm well aware of that."

None of this pleased me or touched me. Feeling the urge to roll my eyes, I kept my lips in a thin line. There was awkward silence, on my part... I had nothing to say to this man and I'd rather not be conversing with him unless necessary.

"Please come eat... I will stop smoking in your presence.."

Harshly, I turnt back to look at him. "I do not care be it you smoke in my presence or you do not. It's none of my concern Master, do as you please!"

He turned to come close until there was no space in between us. Backing me up against the mahogany table. I flinched, my mind went blank, my eyes turned to the closed door. Calmly telling myself to relax. My body came to a halt, a rewind of that night came. He ached my chin up so that I could face his towering stature. His eyes reminded me of every painful misery, I'd told myself to forget and to bury. I tried to look away but he would not allow me. My tears were suddenly close, I did not like this. The position that he had put me in. I did not like feeling helpless against his solid chest, reminding me that he was stronger and could do whatever he wanted with me. I had already given up and accepted that this was all I was good for. It did not occur to me that I could be any better. I calmly reminded myself that with good pretense that I was now doing alright, I'd be able to take my own life with no one suspecting or looking out for me.

"There are kids..." I whispered, my voice restraint.

"I know." He replied, caressing my cheek softly until his thumb rubbed on my bottom lip. I only felt paralyzed and disconnected from my own body.

"You effortlessly called me Master, are you alright?" He asked a little confused. I had not even noticed that I had or I did. I failed to understand why was that a valid reason for him to back me up against a table.

"I'm fine..." I said clearing my throat.

"It has always been Austin.." He paused. "With you.."

"Is there any particular name you'd prefer I call you?" I questioned, confused by his actions.

"Austin just Austin."

"I'm sorry I'd rather not." I shook my head, trying my best to move away from him. He wouldn't let me. "I'm not in any position to call you by your first name. I'm not saying this to aggravate you or anything of that sort. I simply want to do what I'm meant to in this house."

"I want you to fight me, I want you yell at me, I want you to disrespect me and put me in my place when no one else can. Merri, I do not want this. I do not want you to treat me the way everyone else does. I do not want you to be afraid of me..."

"Why me?" I questioned, my eyes teary. "Why did you decided I was the one who had to suffer? If it's about my virginity, then I apologize. You should have been my first but atleast you get to be my last. If that means anything to you."

"Your last?" He repeated, it was in this moment I realized. I had made a mistake, I had to pretend I was alright, pretend I was happy so when the moment came no one would suspect me. I had to pretend I wanted this.

"I only want to please you..." I told him. My hands fumbling to unbutton his dress pants. Not knowing what had gotten into me. I continued, mindlessly not thinking. He seemed confused and shocked by the turn of events. He held both my arms stopping me from going any further.

"I will be quiet." I told him.

"Stop it Merri!"

"I mean it. You won't even know that I'm here." I said softly, pulling my dress up that way I could give him access. "I'm no longer bleeding I'm now fine."

"Merrigold put your dress down..." he said turning around. Massaging his temple. I did not understand, did he not want me? Is this not what he wanted when we first met for me to be submissive to his needs? He must have been simply shy, I suppose... I thought to myself.

"Not now? I understand. Should I make the kids nap first then wait for you..."

"Merri..!" He warned. I only walked towards him to massage his tense shoulders. He moved away.

"I will be quiet unlike before... you won't even have to hold me down. I will do it myself."

"What has gotten into you Merrigold?" He almost yelled. Confused by his reaction, I backed away. Was this not what he wanted? Was this not what would make him happy?

"I thought... I thought this is what we're suppose to do now. You were caressing my lips, I thought y-you wanted us to do it. I said the kids are here and you said you know..."

"Do you even have any idea what you're initiating?"

"Yes!" I replied, fumbling with my fingers. "I want you to do whatever you please with me. I never want to upset you. Are you upset? I apologize! I did not mean to come off as aggressive." Suddenly feeling my skin itch, i felt the urge to scratch until I bled, I felt the urge to reach for a razor quickly.

"Please do not be upset with me Master Austin. Is there any way I can make it up to you?"

"Merrigold? MERRI?? Merri??" He harshly shook me as if to wake me up from my slumber. "Please stop this, you're not funny!"

Confused, he thought I was being funny?

"Just stop being ridiculous!" He said letting me go.

"I thought this is what you wanted... why are you upset with me?" I said a little emotional, feeling my tears wailing up. They streamed down each eye. "I thought I was making you happy but no matter what I do you always remain upset and angry with me. What should I do? I will do it. I just want you to be happy?"

"Just be yourself. Just be my Merrigold the Merri that I know, the Merrigold I fell for."

Fell for? Fell for? Fell for?

I felt dizzy, dehydrated and sick to my stomach. Glassy-eyed, I stood befuddled.

"I want you to love me..." He sighed running a hand through his jet black hair.

"I love you!!" I said almost immediately, it felt foreign on my lips. "I really do." Hoping he would be happy. He wasn't he simply stared at me with amazement. "What's wrong with you Merrigold?"

"Nothing! I'm fine." I laughed, a little too hard and forced. My emotions were all over the place. My throat suddenly felt dry and sore... lifting the hems of my jersey for a bit. He marched up to me and asked. "What's that?"

I panicked.

"What?" I crossed my arms.

"Merrigold, What is that?"

"Nothing."

"Remove that jersey!"

"No, I have a cold."

"Merri?!" He warned.

"There's no need for me to remove my jersey. You could still have your way with me, I should simply lift my—"

"Remove that jersey Merri!"

I crossed my arms.

"Uncle Lionel..." Peter peaked through the door. I felt relieved. Quickly wiping my tears and composing myself. I smiled at the little boy.

"I will go clear the table Master Austin, I will be waiting if you need me..." as I was about to run off, he was quick to pull me back. "This isn't over Merrigold, if you think for a second I will believe that you're fine then you're delusional."

Not knowing how I'd ever Please him. I felt afraid. What could I do to make him happy? I felt defeated, I couldn't even do anything right. I felt like a failure, the one job I was born to do to serve him... I was failing dismally and he didn't seem pleased by my actions.