Chapter 32: Chapter 32
Certain kinds of knowledge rob people of their sleep and mine was the fact that my best friend was in love with me and pushing him away might have been just that meaning he wouldn’t come back. I couldn’t sleep when I knew all that. My eyes were so wide open that it was a surprise I could even stand up when it was time to “wake up”.
It wasn’t so easy, you know, I kind of cried all through the night and waking up to a new day wasn’t as exciting as I’d thought it would be when Emrys asked me to be his girlfriend. I needed a way to prove to Leon that I was sorry but that was nearly impossible when the guy wouldn’t even pick up my calls.
The first thing I did once I was out of bed was to go and get myself a cup of coffee. I know I hated coffee and mostly preferred to take decaf but if I was going to stay awake and not feel like passing out with every minute that passed, I was going to need a lot of caffeine in my system.
I was drinking a cup of coffee when Hiro came inside the kitchen looking even more a mess than I was which I didn’t think was possible.
“What happened to you?” I asked as I took a sip of my coffee.
“I went back home early this morning,” she replied with a groan. “And…”
“I was in desperate need of a coffee but I had to spend an hour looking for my cups and I still don’t know where they are.”
I raised a brow. “Since when do you not know where your cups are?”
She shrugged as she took my cup of coffee from me and took a sip. “Since my neighbor got bored and reorganized my kitchen.” She saw the strange look on my face and immediately added, “Don’t even ask.”
“Okay then.”
“What about you? Why do you look like you were dragged through hell and back while your hair was tied to the tail of a bull?”
“That is a very strange comparison,” I said with a slight chuckle as I took back my cup. “Anyway, I couldn’t sleep last night because I kept thinking of how to make it up to Leon. I came up with nothing so it was a waste of time.”
She sighed and placed a hand on her head. “Try to see him. Maybe he just wants to se how serious you are and all that.”
“Hiro, that is a brilliant idea!” I said as I hopped off the chair I was on and ran to my room to freshen up before going to find Leon.
I dressed myself in a pair of sweatpants and hurriedly pulled on a hoodie I’d stolen from Leon a long time back. I picked up my keys, my phone, and a little money in case I needed it then ran out like my butt was on fire. I’d never run that fast in my life to the car and once I was in the car and it took off, I swear I’d never driven that fast either.
I was actually surprised when I got to Leon’s house a couple of minutes later and I hadn’t pulled over for the cops to give me a ticket. It was a miracle. It seemed God was on my side seeing as it was an important mission I was on.
When I rang the doorbell, I was expecting to see Leon but instead, I saw Tobias. The moment he saw me, he gave me this look that spoke volumes without him even saying a word. I could read his look clearly. He wanted to know what I was doing there.
“Look, I really need to talk to Leon. I messed things up and I can’t lose my friendship with him because of my foolishness,” I said in a rush.
Tobias stared at me for a while probably trying to find out if I was being sincere then he sighed. “Leon isn’t here.”
“I know he told you to tell me that but can you just let me talk to him? I won’t be long I swear,” I pleaded.
“I’m serious. Leon isn’t here. He went for a run this morning and he hasn’t come back since then.” My heart fell immediately and I didn’t know what to do. “Would you like to come in and wait for him?”
“Please,” I said with a small smile and he opened the door wider to let me in. “I can’t thank you enough for this.”
He shut the door and walked to the living room without saying a word. I followed behind him and sat on one of the couches. He left me there and went to the kitchen then came back with a glass of juice.
“Thank you,” I said sincerely as I took it from him.
“You know, when Leon called me around 1 AM to talk about his problems, I was a little shocked. I mean, Leon and I are close but as you can tell already, he’s a bit secretive.” He stopped in front of me and gave me a strange look. “I remember telling you not to do anything that will make him leave here.”
“Yes and…”
“He’s leaving, Paris. He said there was no way he could stay here and watch you be in love with someone else.” Tobias shook his head and gave me a sad smile. “He actually prefers to live in Qethen, with our father, over being here. With you.”
I bowed my head. “I messed up. He’s never going to forgive me. Do you think he can? I mean, it was just one time. One time I messed up.”
“You hurt him badly in that moment and I know you think a moment only lasts for a while but the memory of what you did will be with him forever.”
I looked up not able to hold back the tears in my eyes. “So, that’s it? I’ve lost him?”
Tobias sighed and sat on the arm rest then wrapped his arms around me. “You can still do something but there’s nothing you say to him now that will work.”
“I can try.”
“A hurt Leon isn’t one you want to reason with. Trust me, I’ve been there. You need to give him time to heal.”
“He needs to know I’m sorry,” I said, finally letting my voice break and letting the tears flow.
Tobias was quiet for a while. “Leon is going to hate me for this but it’s for a good cause, I guess. There’s a garden behind this building. It’s going to be easy to find thanks to the gate. You’ll find Leon there. Talk to him and see what you can change.”
“Thank you so much, Tobi.”
“No problem. Just go through the door in the kitchen and you’ll find another door that leads you outside. The gate wouldn’t be hard to find.”
“I owe you a lot,” I said and planted a small kiss on his cheek before standing up and running in the direction he had told me to.
He was right. Finding the gate wasn’t hard. It literally stood out and when I opened the gate, the beauty of the garden overwhelmed me that I had to stop for a minute to appreciate it. It was a large garden and it took me a while to find Leon but I eventually found him sitting on a bench in the middle of the garden.
I sat beside him and I knew he was aware of my presence. I could tell from the way his once relaxed body became stiff but he didn’t say a word or do anything to acknowledge my presence. He was giving me the silent treatment so I decided to speak first.
“How was it? The kiss, I mean?”
I didn’t know what possessed me to ask that question but it had been one of the things keeping me up all night. The only thing that stopped me from being embarrassed was that I knew Leon would never ignore me when I speak. He wasn’t that kind of person.
Leon didn’t look at me and, proving me right, he asked, “What, you want like a star rating?”
His voice was so cold when he spoke to me that if I wasn’t looking at him, I’d have thought I was talking to another person. I guess rejection just didn’t sit well with him. Then again, who did it ever sit well with?”
“No, I just…you kiss different from the boys I have kissed before.”
“Well, maybe that’s your problem,” he said, still not looking at me. “You’ve been kissing boys.” I didn’t have anything to say and, well, neither did he so we sat there in the most uncomfortable silence ever. “I’m assuming you didn’t come here to ask me that.”
“I came to say I’m sorry.”
“For what? You did nothing wrong.”
I sighed. “I may have gone about my reaction wrongly. I was just…I don’t even know. I guess, I just freaked out. I just had this perfect imagination in my head where you’re the perfect best friend and Emrys is the perfect guy, and it scared me that you were trying to breach the boundaries or something. I don’t know. I’m just sorry.”
He was quiet for a minute then he slowly said, “If only we hadn’t met when we were younger.”
I frowned not able to hide the sadness in my tone when I said, “You regret meeting me? Loving me?”
He turned to me and I had to flinch at the anger I saw in his eyes. “Think about it. If I didn’t meet you, I wouldn’t be here right now trying to win you back when I never had you to begin with.”
“Can’t we just go back to the way things were before? When you didn’t love me?”
He stood up immediately but it didn’t seem out of anger. It was almost like he didn’t want to be near me anymore. “There was never a time I didn’t love you, Paris. I was friends with you because I was attracted to you and that attraction grew into love. We’d have to go back before we met to make what you’ve done go away.”
“Oh,” I said not knowing the words to express myself in a way that wouldn’t hurt him more and would save our friendship.
“You just have to stay away,” he said and from the sadness I saw in his eyes, I could tell I wasn’t the only one bothered by his decision. “I’m going to Qethen.”
“I thought I lost you when you nearly died, Leon. I can’t lose you again. Can’t you see that? I’m not strong enough.”
“And I’m not strong enough to watch you be in love with someone else!” he retorted and I shrunk back in the seat. “You know what the funny thing is?”
“No?”
“I watched you tell me how you weren’t in love with anyone and I thought I stood a chance with you. Then you went on and on about who the perfect guy for you was and I tried so fucking hard to be what you wanted me to be. The kind of guy you’d fall in love with.” He scoffed. “You never even noticed then I had to deal with hearing you talk about Emrys when he didn’t make half an effort to be in your life. Do you even have any idea how that made me feel?”
“You should have said something. Why wait until it’s too late?”
“And hear you reject me harshly like all the men your mother brought to be married to you?” “That was different!”
“How?”
“I…I don’t know. It was just different,” I said and looked down because I was tried of looking at him and seeing the sadness knowing that I’d caused it.
He knelt in front of me and lifted my head with his index finger so I could look into his eyes. “Do you know how I knew I loved you?”
“No.”
“I kept thinking everything about you was perfect even though you aren’t. I wanted to know everything about you from the moment I met you and I did everything possible to make it a possibility. I gave my all to you. I did everything to make you happy even when I didn’t like it. I made sure I did everything I could to show you how much I love you but you never noticed.”
“You never said anything.”
“It’s not about saying the words, Paris. I acted on my feelings hoping you’d see it. I took your thoughts into consideration and made decisions based off your opinions as well. I never made you feel unimportant. I wanted to hold the door for you and I did. I wanted to hold your hand in public and I always. I was proud to be around you and I told you. Everyone that knows me knows that my world revolves around you.”
I bent my head again. “I’m so sorry I can’t reciprocate your feelings, Leon. I know it’s too much to ask but can we try and stay friends?”
He stood up and I looked up to follow his movement. “We can’t be friends anymore…I will always see you as something else.”
“Please, Leon. I need you. I can’t imagine living without you in my life. You’ve been there for too long to even think of it.”
“How dare you demand more of me when you know, without question, that I would give you the very shirt off my back if you asked for it. My skin and blood and bones to keep you happy.” He was shouting and I knew he was trying to let it all out so I wasn’t bothered. “The one time I ask you of something to make myself happy, you reject it.”
I stood up so we were toe-to-toe. “Then, don’t let your happiness depend on me. Don’t let your happiness depend on something or someone you can lose any day.”
“It’s already a little too late for that isn’t it?” he asked, sticking his hands in his pocket.
I sighed. He was making convincing him hard to do. “Years of love have been forgotten in the hatred of minute. Don’t let hatred consume you.”
“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.”
He tried to leave but I stopped him by standing in front of him. I knew he could have easily pushed me aside if he wanted to but I guess he wanted me to convince him as much as I did.
“Leon, let’s talk about this.”
He looked straight and it was almost like he was looking beyond me instead of at me. “I have a lot of regrets and having this conversation with you tops the list.”
“Don’t be like this. I need you.”
“I want an honest answer. Do you see me for me or the fantasy you want me to be?” Leon asked, shaking his head but he didn’t give me time to answer before he said, “I already know the answer so I don’t want you to answer it anymore. I just want you to think about how hopeless you are to create an image in your head and bend everyone to it.”
“I don’t get why you’re acting like this all of a sudden. This isn’t you.”
He bit his lip and removed his right hand from his pocket, gracefully placing it under his chin. “You know what your problem is?” I shook my head. “You think that life is just a bed of roses where you smile and get whatever you want. You have this perfect image in your head that you’ve so used to define everything and everyone in the world. It makes me wonder if you really know what love is.
“It’s almost as if you can’t think for once that life can be different from what you imagine. I see it in your eyes and I can tell that you do not leave in the same world that we all do.
You’re ruining yourself because of it. I hate to be the one to break it to you, princess, but life is not all roses. When you finally realize that, all I am doing, all you are going to go through will make sense.”
He didn’t wait for me to reply and this time, pushed me out of the way so he could leave. I sighed and folded my arms under my chest and watched his figure until I couldn’t see the outline anymore.
Leon had left me so many times like that but this time, it was different. I knew, for a fact, that he wasn’t coming back. Not when we ended things like this. I sighed again and looked at the bench to see words engraved on it. It read:
“IF YOU LIVE TO BE A HUNDRED YEARS OLD, I’D WANT TO LIVE A HUNDRED MINUS ONE DAY SO I DON’T HAVE TO SPEND A DAY WITHOUT YOU.”
It occurred to me then that Leon had this engraved before he bought the house and everything in it. How did I know? Because that was Leon’s favorite quote from Winnie the Pooh and he used to say it to me every night before I slept.
How time flies!