Chapter 27: Chapter 27
Scott has been associating my silence and distance from him to nerves and I never correct him because that’s what saves me.
Our practices are a mess, but we manage to skate clean programs making it to the Olympics. Everyone is still buzzing about us. We are the new Nigerian sweethearts that are expected to take gold this year. Dad and mom are glowing with pride when I get home from the final competition, they insist on taking us out for a celebratory dinner. We chose to go four days before we are to compete in the Olympics. Unbeknownst to me, Scott is invited.
We wait for Scott to come over to our house so we can all take one car. Scott parks his Mercedes in our driveway and we pile into dad’s Honda. Normally I feel embarrassed but if it doesn’t bother my father, then why should it bother me? I feel no need to impress Scott after Jeremy and I spoke. I’m going to have it out with him after we finish competing. I don’t want to sacrifice all that we worked for over Scott’s indiscretions. Scott is dressed dead sexy in a suit and tie. I find myself breathlessly attracted to him. Scott gets into our car and dad looks in his rearview mirror suggesting, “I’d want to try a new restaurant called crunches. It was a coffee shop I always stopped at before going to work and now it’s an Italian restaurant receiving rave reviews.”
“Sounds good to me, thanks for inviting me Mr. Moyes,” Scott says appreciatively.
Dad looks in the rearview at him, “Glad to have you with us! Call me Alex, son!” dad suggests proudly. In Scott’s and my book, there is no higher compliment than that. Too bad Scott is undeserving of it at best. “Sweetheart, you’re okay with that too?”
“Sure,” mom says.
“Is it okay with you Honey?”
“Sounds great dad.”
It’s just after six when we walk into the quaint restaurant that is full except for two empty tables.
The hostess approaches us asking, “How many?” Dad looks at us, “Table for four please.”
She grabs the menus and starts leading us to one of the two empty tables, “This way please.” She chooses one and lays out our menus before we take our seats. “A waitress will be with you shortly,” she says as she walks away. Dad takes a sip of his water, and then loosened his tie, “I’m not feeling well,” he complains. His forehead begins beading up and his eyes roll back. He starts leaning in his chair like he is going to fall when Scott catches him and lowers him to the ground. Mom gives this haunting scream that can be heard outside of the restaurant and then a person from another table calls out, “Someone call 911!”
People at every table are reaching for their phones. Scott gets off his chair and kneels next to dad. He shakes dad and then rubs the middle of his chest asking, “Alex can you hear me?” He doesn’t answer and then Scott feels for a pulse on his neck. I’m fastened to my chair in sheer terror watching. I have a front-row seat to my biggest nightmare. When Scott can’t feel a pulse he begins chest compressions.
Scott yells, “Mr. Moyes! Alex!” just before the ambulance attendants come bursting through the door, his face is red and he is crying now. I’ve never seen Scott cry until tonight. My world is crumbling as my pillar of strength is lying on the floor before me motionless. The ambulance attendants address mom, “Mrs., can you tell us what happened?” Scott continues the c.p.r. while the attendants are preparing their equipment and waiting for mom’s story.
“We sat down to have dinner, and he complained he wasn’t feeling well. He loosened his tie and took a sip of water. His eyes rolled back and then he collapsed right here. Scott started CPR.”
There is no time to be concerned about daddy’s dignity, they tear his shirt from his chest, placing two large pads on him. The first attendant says everyone stands back, and a shock is administered. My dad's lifeless body lifts in response but there is still no heartbeat. The second attendant continues CPR. and they checked for his pulse again, when they don’t find it, they give him a second shock. They stop after three.
They look at mom when they finish and say, “We’re so sorry.”
“That’s it?” I scream. “You’re stopping?” I turn to Scott desperately, “Scott do something! They’re not doing anything to save him! You have to save him. Please!” I kneel next to daddy grabbing his collar, “Don’t leave me, you promised you’d never leave me. You’re my rock! You have to watch me compete, the Olympics is just a few days away, it’s our dream!” I turn to mom, “I need him so much! There’s so much he has to see! Who will give me away if I ever get married? My kids won’t have a grandfather,” then I collapse as the glue that holds my heart together disintegrates, my heart is broken now. Mom and Scott are shocked into profound silence appearing pale as ghosts. I can’t imagine my appearance and I don’t care. I lay my head on daddy’s warm chest, wishing it to rise and fall, for it to be wrong, an awful mistake, or a dream. I pinch myself but nothing happens, nothing changes. The restaurant is evacuated which is fitting under the circumstances.
Scott calls his mother out of a meeting, but when he tries talking to her, his words don’t come. He’s crying too hard, so the ambulance attendant takes his phone and finishes the conversation for him. He tells Deborah what happened and gave her directions to the restaurant.
The ambulance attendant asks my mom to see dad’s health card and they copied daddy’s information. They reassure her that she doesn’t have to come to the hospital unless she wants pills for herself. They tell her where they are taking him and advised her to give a funeral home of her choice a call in the morning. The owner of the restaurant waits with us until Scott’s mom arrives. Deborah arrives at the restaurant and she immediately fills with tears when she sees me draped over dad’s chest on the floor, “Come on, you guys can stay with us. We’ll get your car later Scott.” Deborah puts her arm around mom and guides her out of the restaurant. Scott physically has to remove me from dad carrying me as I weep hysterically.
When we get to Scott’s house, Deborah opens the door and asks, “Can I get anyone anything?” Everyone shakes their heads and then she offers for my mother to sleep with her. Mom agrees to it and they leave me alone with Scott. Scott carries me to his bedroom, placing me on the edge of his queen bed with a slow and steady stream of tears running down my face that hasn’t let up since the restaurant. He removes all of my clothing except for my underwear and he digs through his dresser finding a normal T-shirt that he helps me get into. He lays me under his covers and begins to walk away when I manage to say, “Don’t go,” in a weak and shaky voice.
He removes his clothes except for his underwear and gets into bed with me. He holds me against his chest, and whispers, “I’m so sorry.” His eyes are red and tears continue running down his cheeks, the way mine is. He lifts my chin and kisses me slowly and deliberately. His fingers slide down my body and into my panties where he begins kneading me, preparing me for himself. He mounts me as I cry into his chest, heartfelt compassion flows between us.
The sun peaks through Scott’s sheer, waking me up. For a fraction of a second, yesterday never happened. When that fraction is over, the memory of yesterday comes flooding back and it feels fresh all over again. All my mornings start this way now. Mom calls the funeral home the day after dad dies. Scott and his mother make the rest of the arrangements for us.
The funeral is scheduled to happen in the early afternoon and then Scott and I go immediately to Pearson International to catch our flight for the Olympics. I march into mom and dad’s bedroom where I feel dad all around me and find mom lying in the dark, weeping into her pillow. I make my mind up and I’m determined to forfeit the competition and stay home with her, she needs me.
I sit next to her on the bed and say, “Mom, I can’t go through with it. I need to be here with you.” With her head still buried in her pillow she says, “Your father wanted you to make it to the Olympics more than anything in the world, you have to go, for your father.” I know she is right, but everything hurts so much.
“Are you coming with us mom, please?” “I can’t, forgive me, Honey.”
“There’s nothing to forgive mom. We have to get ready to say bye to him now.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye,” she shakes. Fresh tears poured down her face.
“Be strong mom, you can do this, for him,” I encourage. She rolls off her bed and trudges to their bathroom which still has his perfume, aftershave, and razors scattered all over the countertop from when he was getting ready to go out for dinner. Mom doesn’t move any of his mess but works around it. It’s the last things he touched before he left last night, so they are sacred. She hates it when he doesn’t put his things away in the drawers. They always bickered about it, and now I would do anything just to hear them bicker again.
I throw the suitcase together and hang my dresses in the hanger bags before getting into the shower and dressing in all black. Dad loves me in black so I’m going to wear my black rhinestone dress for him for both programs. I know he will be happy to see it on me. He has to see it on me, wouldn’t he? Scott and Deborah said they will meet us at the Simple Alternative funeral home. They are very accommodating to us under such duress. A chauffeured limousine picks us up, there is a bouquet of roses wishing condolences laid in the limousine from Jeremy and Michael.
When we get there, we close the doors. Daddy always told me to never say what happens behind closed doors, but in this case, it is worth the exception. My mother and I can’t bring ourselves to talk, it is just too hard. Deborah starts it for us by telling everyone how cordial and supportive he was. Michael and Jeremy sit at the back with Lara and Anna. Scott spoke about how he called him a son and the look of pride in my dad’s eyes when he saw the lift for the first time. Scott looked at the open coffin and tells dad, that our performance this weekend is for him, and that he’ll take care of me for him. Anna and Lara say words about how he was like a father to them. I’m glad my father never found out what disappointing friends they are. He deserves better than them.
The limousine takes us to the gravesite. Scott, Jeremy, Michael, and three of dad’s friends from work volunteer to be pallbearers. Media are standing at the gates respecting their distance, but just their presence and maggot-like behavior bother me. I have to believe that he is somewhere else rather than in a dark hole all by himself. His spirit has to be in heaven or wherever it goes, somewhere warm and bright, where love flies freely in the air, not here.
Words are said and then we begin to go our separate ways. Scott takes my hand and leads me to his Mercedes. That’s when the paparazzi tries to shove their microphones and cameras into our faces. Scott fights them off like Sir. Galahad and drives us to the airport, ensuring my luggage is transferred from the limousine to his Mercedes. We board our plane and the flight attendants and captain do their usual spiel. When the plane finishes its takeoff I decide it's time for him to know I know, “I know,” I tell him before looking away. It is the last time I look at him. I have no will to cast my eyes in his direction, I either looked out the window or close them. Scott gets our baggage while I hide from reporters. He comes to get me when the car is ready to take us to the hotel.
When we get to the hotel we checked in, only ever leaving if we have to go on the ice. I don’t have an appetite but I know I have to eat for energy, so Scott will order healthy food that I will pick at.
It's time for us to compete so I dress in my black rhinestone dress for Daddy and we go to the arena. Coach Tammy is supportive but even he is at a loss, “Do your best,” he says in a broken voice hugging me with tears in his eyes. Seeing him with tears in his eyes is hard, really hard. We skate a clean short program so our work is half done. The crowd has to be aware because even though our performance is clean it wasn’t perfect and they give us a standing ovation.
Scott brings me back to our room where I pick at more food before taking a shower and going to sleep. He doesn’t wake me until it's time to leave again, this time it is for our final performance. We stand on the ice facing each other before our program starts. He mouths, ‘This is for your dad,’ I nod solemnly back to him. The music begins and we are in the zone, every move we make is better than anything we have ever done in practice. Our moves are concise showing beauty, strength, and agility, everything my father ever stood for.
We complete four and a half minutes flawlessly skating our personal best. The music stops and everyone jumps to their feet including the judges. I crumble to the ground in anguish only my father would have understood because he isn’t here to see us. Scott picks me up off the ice and carries me to the Sweet or sour where Coach Tammy is waiting for us in tears.
We won.