Chapter 25: Chapter 25

Everyone wore their grief in different colors of emotions. Some had cravings, others had no appetite. Some had too much anger and irritation, others laughed too hard, that their eyes twinkled and you would see the sadness they were trying to cover. But people like Wisdom managed to lighten up the mood on some days. Other days, his jokes were failed jokes but I listened and smiled at the resigned look he always had on those days.

Auntie Maimah refused to come downstairs. Her food was carried up to her room in a rectangular stainless tray and in flowered porcelain plates. Most days, I loved to take up the food. I would sit and watch her eat or I would stare at the dark surface of her plasma Television on the wall which was always off those days. She would pinch her eba and smear it with finger prints of soup then abandon the food untouched half way.

"Please eat more," I would say.

She would shake her head and lie back in bed, pulling a blanket over her emaciating form.

I sat in the parlor looking at the screen of the Television but seeing nothing. I knew Tunde was around but I had not seen him the whole day. He did not leave the previous day after dropping me off because he could not say no to Aunty Maimah.

On different parts of the room were framed pictures of Aunty Maimah and Uncle Joe. They were in love- even the pictures could tell the story. I mentally scoffed at 'pictures'. I took a lot of pictures with Mathew and I once thought we looked in love. He took a lot of pictures with my sister and they also looked good together.  So  I knew pictures were not always honest.

I could not compare Auntie Maimah and her husband to myself because truly, they had been in love. The harmony in the home spoke for it; The way they giggled and played when they thought no one was watching. Even the gifts they used to exchange and the sweet names they called each other. I wanted the sort of union they had but here I was - on the fence.

I heard the footsteps of someone approaching then a tap on my shoulder. I turned to meet Miriam with a frown on her face and I smiled in response knowing she would probably say, I was lazing about. We were expecting the people from the church, they were to arrive in the evening.

"Madam, we're in the kitchen, " She said before storming off in the direction of the kitchen.

I slipped my feet into the rubber slippers at the foot of the cushion and followed her. "We" turned out to be she and Michelle. Michelle was at the receiving end of her mood swings that afternoon. Earlier it had been Stella whom she said was being sluggish and indeed, she was; She wanted to dish a plate of food the whole day, she wanted to climb a stair within two hours.

"You overspiced the sauce.  How is she going to eat this? " Miriam complained.

I leaned on the wooden frame of the door and glanced round the kitchen looking for what to do.

"Just little. Little. Don't you know the meaning of little? " She asked.

"Auntie, I'm sorry, " Michelle responded with her head bowed into the sink.

Ignoring Michelle, she turned to me and snapped her fingers. "Come and wash the meat."

Ah. Ah. Why was she calling me like a dog?

For the first time, resentment towards her grew in me but it went as quickly as it came. The audacity and bossiness stilled my legs but I later moved to the bowl she pointed out the meat to be. I knew she was angry at death, at the times, at everything, at everyone.

"Is the meat biting you? " she asked suddenly, dragging the bowl from me.

I stood aside, looking at her for a while before I blurted out my anger in words. "This your attitude is so uncalled for. How can everyone be trying to help and all you do is dismiss their efforts? "

I stormed off to my room, slamming the door behind me harder than I intended. I had meant to be understanding but I guess my understanding had a limit to it because I believe, even grief has a limit. If I did not know about grief's limit, I would have told my mother to her face after Papa died that we did not die with Papa. We were still alive and she should have treated us better.

My Samsung tablet was under the pillow. I reached out to it while I lay close to the wall and began typing away, searching for style inspirations. My business was probably going to suffer again. I had already informed some customers and neighbours at work that I lost my Uncle. They were understanding and the news garnered their pity. Some even wanted to come for the burial but I told them it would be stressful and they were easy to convince.

Two hours had gone and I was left in my world alone but it ended when the door opened and Ada barged in.

"What's the meaning of this one na? " She asked. Her voice was raised and angry. She never shouted at me - she never had reason to.

"It's like all of you are all out to unleash frustrations on others today," I said, discarding the Tab.

"You and who is doing that one?" she asked with her hands akimbo. "You left Miriam in the kitchen to come and stay here and be pressing phone. She even said, you insulted her. So who's unleashing frustration now?"

"Me? " I laughed. "I did not insult anybody."

"I don't even care. Everyone is all grown now. You people should try and respect yourselves, " she said walking out then at the door she said, "Come and take up Auntie Maimah's food."

I walked out after her with thoughts of hugging Nneka from behind if she was still in the kitchen and her grumpy self might ask, "You have borrowed sense abi? " but I will take that as, 'we're now cool' and I would laugh it off but when we got to the kitchen, she was not there. The guys were there instead. Wisdom and Ike were leaning on the cupboard with a plate of jollof rice in their hands. Tunde was on a low stool with his food. He was wearing another polo that looked like Wisdom's polo, not the one he came with.

"You people should do quick abeg. This kitchen is stuffy," Ada said.

"All these bossy women in this house, " Wisdom remarked, not meeting Ada's eye as she glared at him, then he took a tin of tomato and began to mutter what was written on it.

"What happened to the dining? " I asked, arranging Auntie Maimah's food in a tray.

"Miriam said, it has been cleaned and we would pour food there."

I laughed, imagining them to be little boys that only knew how to share their food with the ground. I saw Tunde had finished his food and I collected the plate .

"You went out with them? " I asked him.

"Yes. We went to get people that would set up the canopy, " he replied, wiping his hand on his handkerchief after cleaning his mouth.

I nodded and got back to what I was doing. I put chicken and fish for her just in case she was too lazy to battle with chicken.

Outside her door, I balanced the tray on my left arm and knocked then I waited for her usual weak reply inviting me in but none came then I knocked again after waiting for a while, she opened the door herself wearing a white blouse over a white skirt.

I dropped the tray on a stool then dragged it closer to the bed before I got bottled water from the little fridge in her room.

"Please zip my dress," she said.

I stood behind her and even before I zipped the blouse, I knew it would look like a borrowed dress.

"I would tie my wrapper on it, " she said, clearly reading my thoughts. "It would make it more fitting. "

My eyes never left her as she ate, Spooning the food slowly into her mouth . She was eating the vegetable sauce Miriam said was overspiced but she did not seem to notice or she did not mind. Around her eyes were dark circles and her face had wrinkles I had never noticed or never paid attention to. Her grey hairs stood out amongst the few black hairs remaining.

"You would have to eat more," I said when I noticed she had dropped her spoon without touching the fish or the chicken.

"I'm okay," she said, drowning her water, almost finishing the whole can.

"I'm going to adjust the other dresses I made for you, " I said to her.

"Okay," she said, her eyes on the roof.

I did not like to leave her after I brought her food. I always felt she would end up crying till her head hurt and she would not stop until she was asleep.

"I'm trying to know what direction God is pointing at but it's hard," she spoke looking ahead, her legs clapping together. It was the first time she was talking to me about her grief and I wanted to hear it all.

"They say, he always has a plan and it all points to a direction but I just feel he's showing me the end of the road. Chukwu makwa, I'm not ready to live without Joe. We often joked about death and I told him I would die before him because I do not want to spend years on this earth without him. God knows this. "

I said nothing. I was just ready to hear more but she too, fell silent. Her face tightened to let out tears, her whole body shook as she expressed her pain. With caution, I moved closer to her. I wasn't sure if she wanted to be consoled. I held her and she cried some more, she sniffed, stiffened and she cried some more. I still held her as I forced back my own tears because she held me that way so many times as a child and she was strong for me. It was my turn.

Just before the church people started to come, Ada came with Stella and Miriam to my room so they could try their clothes. I watched them in admiration as they practiced their new walking step with their new dress. They seemed content with my work. I did not need to try mine because I knew what it looked like already.

"Please someone should ask me, who I'm wearing! " Miriam said excitedly.

"Please, who are you wearing, Madam?" Stella asked, bringing her folded hands close to Miriam's mouth in imitation of a microphone.

"I'm wearing Nene Akomas. " She

replied, twirling around.

Stella continued, "The N. A?"

"The one and only!" Miriam replied.

I laughed watching them then they began to try their second dress.

Mummy came when we were all standing outside receiving Visitors. Tunde had just left. Miriam and Stella were diligently serving food to the guests under the canopy. She came in a black Mercedes Benz that put activities on hold for close to a minute as people around just stared at it. I too, stared in curiosity. Then Auntie Maimah said,

"I forgot to tell you people, she said she was going to come. "

She was still slim as I remembered and her walk was still the same. She never walked fast; she loved to take her time in her catwalk. I loved it, that's why I imitated her while I was little till it became part of me.

She wore a black peplum blouse over a black skirt with transparent stilettos on her feet. She walked to us with a fair man that had his hair packed in a ponytail.

"How do you do, ma? " I asked as she stood in front of me. I kept my hands folded at my back to restrain myself from the urge to hug her.

"I'm very well," she replied, "and you look well too," she added, scanning my body with her eyes. She exchanged a hug with Auntie Maimah then stella. Miriam came to greet her with Ada.

"Oh, Miriam you look lovely! " she said, reaching out to touch Miriam's cheek.

"My darling, " she said, looking at Ada. Ada scoffed lowly then gave her a side hug.

"Ijeoma, Stella will prepare a room for you upstairs," Auntie Maimah said then turned to me, "Lady, go and prepare something for your mother to eat."

I looked at my mother, she watched on with a smile, like she was amused. I wondered if the man by her side was her bodyguard or the said husband.

"Why don't you come inside so you decide what you want to eat?" I asked .

"I'll. Yes that sounds okay and oh," she said, taking the man's hand. He was taller than her and looked older also. We all waited, watching the duo.

"This is my husband, King," she said, with a small smile, waiting for our reactions. I internally rolled my eyes.

If anyone was shocked nobody showed it, nobody even greeted the man. It was Auntie Maimah that was the first to speak, "You are all welcome. We should go inside and sit. "

"I'm grateful, " King said in his odd accent, smiling broadly.

"Tell Stella not to worry about the room. We have already made arrangements for a hotel, " Mummy said as we all went into the house. Auntie turned to look at her briefly then proceeded without a word.

She came with me to the kitchen. I pointed to the warmers containing the different types of food we prepared for the guests. "I don't know what you will like but I'm at your service, " I said.

"Nene, we ate before coming,"

She said, folding her arms beneath her breast.

"Perfect, "I said, looking round for something to do while she still stood there.

I was uncomfortable. The kitchen suddenly felt two small for two people . "I have to join the family outside."

"The family," she stressed, obviously noting that she seemed to be exempted from that bracket. A small smile played at the corners of her mouth as she played with her bracelet. She looked round then she moved back and propped against the door frame. Her face still looked beautiful and her body perfectly hid her age.

"You and Ada look good but I was expecting to see your men," she said, her tone seemingly annoying.

"What do you mean by, men"

"Oh, don't you have a man ?" she asked, her brows raised, showing a fake concern.  "You are still young, " She continued, "Marriage is better now ."

Sadly, my mother was still among the remaining few who measured a woman's worth by the presence of a man in her life.

"I do not owe you details of my personal life. I'm sure you already know that, " I said, moving to pass her but she stood in the way.

"Do you have children over there? " I asked, close to her.

"Not yet," She shrugged, moving from the door to lean on the cupboard.

I still wanted to know more: if she was a children person, if she could actually take care of them.

"Can you still have children, do you plan on having ?"

I paid attention to her every movement. I wanted to know the answer whether through her expressions or her words because she did not seem to want Ada and I . She never treated us right.

She folded her hands for a while looking down to the floor in silence then she replied, "Yes."

"But?"

"But nothing!" She snapped quickly.

" But if they're girls, you would treat them like Ada and I," I mocked, watching her.

She rose from the cupboard she was leaning on and stood erect. "It's not about the sex." She walked towards me where I stood at the door. "You people are not mine."

I must have had a grin on my face while I tried to annoy her with my questions but I'm sure it was wiped away and I stood alone in that kitchen with no words in my mouth, no thoughts in my head, no reasoning left inside me. I could have asked further but I knew what those words meant.

Somehow I made my way to my room, feeling the wall as I walked, afraid my legs would finally give way under me. All the blood in my body must have frozen. I should have really known with all her actions,  I shouldn't have been surprised. I had thought of it in the past and even made jokes about it with Ada but it was hard to embrace the truth that had been delivered like that.

The voices outside were now raised in harmony as they sang from the hymn books. I was dazed, I only heard the voices, I could not pin meaning to the songs at that moment.

I entered my room, about shutting the door, Michelle came in.

"I wanted to ask you if you are okay," she said, closing the door behind her. Those words almost brought tears to my eyes. I let the tears gather but I still nodded with a smile.

"Michelle, I'm fine. Thank you for checking up on me. "

I just knew then without asking that she had heard my talk with my mother.

"Do you need anything or anyone? " she asked nervously, intertwining her fingers.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you. "

She came close to the bed and squeezed my hand.

"Or can you call Ada for me," I said.

She nodded, smiling sweetly. "Yes, you got it."

I lay gently on the bed. She still stood there.

"Michelle, what would you have done?"

She sat on the bed with me. "I don't know, Aunty. It must be really hard for you to take."

Hard? Really hard? Was it how I felt after being told off by someone I called my mother all my life. The pain, the anger, the confusion, the fresh grief, was it what hard was?

I sighed while Michelle took my hand and held it like a treasure in both of hers.

"Michelle, I never asked you about your family, " I said, looking for how to engage her in a conversation .

She stared at me with a question in her eyes then she said, "my family is here. "

"I mean your real father, mother, siblings. You know. "

Her shoulders sagged and she still gave a half shrug. "I'm the only child. My parents are dead. My dad's sister raised me.I was a liability to her so she accepted money from couples so I could be their house girl. I have been in and out of homes and I think I have found my own home now."

It was light on her tongue. There was no anger or bitterness. It was just like another story being told.

I smiled at her. "You are a very strong girl."

She smiled, squeezed my hand before getting up from the bed. "Should I still call your sister for you? "

"No, I feel better now. "

Ada still came around saying Michelle told her I needed her.

"Are you sick? " she asked.

I was lying under the blanket when she came in then I rose and pulled her into my arms. I stayed there and cried for all the years I had believed a lie, for all the years I never thought of my real mother, for all the years we had tried to please our step mother.

"What is it? " Ada asked in irritation. "And if you tell me it's Uncle Joe, I'll slap you."

I could not tell her. I could not watch her sit holding her head in her hands as she tried to fit in the pieces of the lie we had lived then she might slowly slip to the floor in shock. I could not watch her in that form so I still told her, it was Uncle Joe.

She did not slap me. She just rose to her feet and said, "Come out to where people are. It would help you feel better. "