Chapter 3: Chapter 3

Three

Boyfriend

Etymology

From boy + friend.

Pronunciation

(America) IPA: /ˈbɔɪ.ˌfɹɛnd/, /ˈbɔɪ.ˌfɹɪnd/

Definition

A male partner in an unmarried romantic relationship.

Trust me,  that simple definition doesn't apply to us, and by "us" I'm speaking of we, the Nigerian girls. Relax as i give you our simple definition of what a boyfriend is and should be according to the 9ja girl dictionary since the days of 2go

A boyfriend according to our dictionary is someone who's so so so good looking, I'm talking magazine worthy fine enough to take a nice selfie with and post on your Instagram feed or Facebook or WhatsApp status. Simply because we've gotta prove to our friends, or haters in most cases, that we've got fine boyfriends just because it makes us feel great and badass, I'm telling you this, a good looking boyfriend is a huge achievement to a Nigerian teenage girl's CV. Take it from me.

Definition No2

A boyfriend can also be our wallet and  bank manager and meal ticket and the one who we run to when we run out of data bundles or airtime. All my naija girls can relate!

Definition No3

A boyfriend is the guy we intentionally pick flimsy quarrels with, just because we want to be petted and begged and pampered.

Definition No4

A boyfriend is the guy you call when you're attending a boring night vigil session at church and you know he'll come through and fast. I mean, Girls just wanna have fun, duhhhh.

But my boyfriend, Stephan is the most insensitive, insecure, and blandest guy in the world, and yeah, i admit, I'm only with him just because he's fine as hell and instagram worthy. I mean, the dude works out on a daily and owns an unshakeable spot in the Sweet Boys Association (SBA)

I met Stephan Okonkwo on the day of our Matriculation at Yaba college of technology. Just in case you're wondering what I'm doing in a polytechnic and you're jumping to the conclusion that I'm dumb and probably had a whack JAMB or WAEC result, well NO! I'm only in the school because it's the only school in Nigeria where Fashion Designing as a course is taken seriously and is awarded reputable degrees, and Fashion designing is my first and only love, like I don't picture myself doing nothing else. So now that that's settled, back to the story of how I met my Instagram boyfriend, Stephan.

It was the Day of our matriculation, I got a sudden apology text from my dad, apparently he and the rest of my family members couldn't make it anymore and they were deeply sorry and he hoped I had a happy day and yeah he asked me to send and post pictures of me in my matriculation gown. At first, I thought it was a prank, and that they were standing at a corner and watching for my reaction, seconds turned to minutes and minutes into hours, and i accepted the fact that they truly weren't coming. I mean, Matriculation isn't such a big deal right? It's the Graduation that really matters the most. So yeah, I was alone, maybe I was surrounded by my friends, but y'all already know the story of my legendary friends. Ruth was telling the group about an after party and as expected, they planned on letting loose and needed a chaperone, Star to the rescue...as usual

I had to get a change of clothing cos I was way to over dressed for an after party and I wasn't surprised to find out that my friends already had change of clothings in their bags, which definitely means they already knew about the damned party and they only brought the topic up because they needed me. Why wasn't I surprised? So yeah, I got to the party later and they were already dancing and drinking and doing all the nasty things out parents hate to think we do. I was fighting with a can of Smirnoff ice when Ruth screamed my name, at first I thought she was stabbed or something and you needed to see the look on my face when I realised the only reason why she screamed like a woman in labor was because she needed me to take a picture of her, the girls and some boys. Star is also an emergency photographer and she doesn't need to feature in pictures, she's just cool taking them, yayyy!. So yeah, I did take numerous pictures of them in disastrous poses and just as I was about to hand the phone back, the owner of the iPhone, Stephan smiled at me and asked if i wanted a picture too, I smiled and said "yes" and he asked if we could step out because apparently he had a nice picture location, and yeah, he really did, in fact, one of the pictures we took still remains my instagram, facebook an whatsapp profile picture. It was good. So yeah, we started talking about good pictures and how it was a golden skill to know how to take good pictures, then we exchange handles, he found his way into my DM, and the rest they say is history.  Up until now that I actually realize that the only time we ever talk or relate as a lovers is when we're arguing about instagram celebrities, instablog gist, and picture quality, like that's the only thing we've got in common, except when we're alone and we make out, he only calls when he wants me commenting and liking his photo, he'd be online for ages and wouldn't say hi until I post a picture of him and then we'd begin another conversation on how the picture was born and how many tryout photos he took before her found that particular picture, personally, I think Stephan has no business studying electrical engineering, the boy needs a spot in celebrity magazine or he should probably tender an application letter to instagram via email, and most importantly, I think he needs to find a new girlfriend.

I rechecked my breakup message, confirmed that there were no typos and hit the send button.

Goodbye Stephan, Hello Loneliness.