Chapter 33: Chapter 33
XXII
Sophie's P.O.V.
I wake up again with the sick feeling in my stomach, which makes me run to the toilet and empty out my empty stomach. Again.
Considering the dreams I had, my body's reaction does not surprise me.
I crumble beside the toilet after I'm done. This time, the house is alone. This time, nobody comes to check if I'm okay. Not like it helps, anyway. Not that it'd make me okay.
Yesterday Sonia came to pick me up at the train station and I could see in her eyes that she knew it happened, again. She didn't say a word, however. It seems pointless to her, I guess.
It is pointless, and it keeps repeating over and over and over again, and I never made an effort to stop it from happening, because I didn't want it to, not really. I would've done anything to have Axel, even torture myself emotionally.
As I sit there, by the toilet, heartbroken and next to my vomit, I truly realize how foolish I am for the first time.
For the first time, I see what I've become. A shell of what I used to be. I let my emotions get the best of me and it is the weakest thing I've ever done.
I should've been braver, I should've had a spine and not let things get to me in the way they did.
My first thought after that is to forget it and put it out of my mind. Erase all thoughts of Axel, of the emotionally destroying relationship I had, but I have to do something to make it go away. It won't just disappear on its own.
And that's when I see a small, pink notebook with the corner of my eye, tucked unter my school books.
Stumbingly, I flush the toilet and stand up, heading towards the notebook and taking it in my hand. It's been a while since I've written something. Before, I used to do it all the time, but since I met Axel I just spent more time with him and forgot about it.
Writing always had this liberating feeling for me, and it might just be the thing, helping me release a the pent up emotions inside me. I pick up the pen on the desk, and lay down on my bed.
And then, I put the pen to paper.
And I write out my soul. I empty out my heart. I don't notice for how long I lay there. I don't notice that paper is wet with tears. I don't see the ink completey smudged. I escape my body and become a mind, I become a sad, tragic mess beside that small, little notebook, and when I'm done, there are only a few pages left of the sad little notebook.
I consider what to do with it for a moment, before putting it away to burn it later.
Immediately, I feel immense weight lifted off of my shoulders, and I can breathe more easily than before.
I'm done with the moping. This time is for real.
I take out my phone to put on some music, when I see a new notification.
New text message (1) from Axel the Bum
My breath hitches as I open the message, prepared to see a message telling me he'd been caught, but I only see a simple:
Are you okay?
A knife slices through me but I ignore the pain and type back a short Yes, just so he won't worry. I might be done, but I won't let him worry over me. It'll help him get over me faster, too, hopefully.
Then I put on my music and start cleaning my room to busy myself and not be able to overthink things now that I've let everything out. I clean my room like it hasn't been cleaned in a long while, and even move the bed and the desk to create a feeling of something new.
When I'm done, I move to the kitchen. I scrub the floor, the cabinets, oven, everything I can reach, it's like I'm scrubbing the history of Axel ever being here away, like it will become new.
In the middle of me cleaning and scrubbing everything like a lunatic, Sonia comes home.
She puts her handbag down at the door and closes it behind her, then watches me for a few moments, before coming towards me and wrapping her arms around me without a word.
We stand there for a few precious minutes, feeling each other's warmth and her motherly support and comfort.
"Are you okay?" she asks me and I nod, fiercefuly, determingly.
"Yes."
She sighs. "I love you, you know that, right?"
I nod again. "I love you, too."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No." I reply and unwrap myself from her. "It'll be fine."
She forces a smile. "It will."