Chapter 49: Chapter 49

KIAN

I'm a coward! Instead of standing by Estrela and Harrison's side, I stand apart in the cemetery and watch my mother's funeral from afar. I know it's pathetic of me not to take that one step and join in. But it's like I'm frozen here and can't move.

As Estrela looks around at the cemetery, I quickly lean back behind a tree. What the hell is wrong with me? She wanted me to come after all. But here I am playing hide and seek from the woman I love and her father to whom I owe so much. I'm fighting with myself inside. I guess I'm just too scared that they'll come and make me go to their grave. It's enough just to stand back here and watch her being buried. I can't get any closer... The anger inside me has been draining away for the past few days, now I'm filled with guilt and self hatred. I let everyone down and it's only because I can't deal with what happened. If I could, I would undo a lot. Especially how I dealt with Estrela. She cares about me and I really appreciate it. I just couldn't show her that.

Taking a deep breath, I conquer my fear, pierce the invisible wall and walk towards her grave. I pull off my black baseball cap and survey the funeral. At least the flowers that Estrela put there don't make it look as gloomy and empty as it probably would have. I am grateful to her for that and my guilty conscience is back. I breathe out shakily, staring at the tombstone engraved with her name and date of death. It hurts more than it should. Her illness made me realize that one day I would lose her. But losing her to him was a nightmare that will haunt me for the rest of my life. As bad as she was as a mother, she didn't deserve a death like that. She didn't deserve death at all.

"Farewell Mom." I put my cap back on, push it low over my forehead and leave the cemetery with my shoulders down. My chest feels lighter and I feel like I can finally breathe properly again. I didn't expect accepting it, completing it, to feel liberating. But it does.

"Kian...?" I hear her soft voice right in front of me. I look up and meet Estrela's. She is standing at the exit of the cemetery, which I walked towards. I thought she was long gone. And right now I'm glad it's not her. Now that I see her like this, her eyes fixed on me with concern but also hope, all dams are breaking in me. She seems to notice and comes to me with quick steps. She pulls me into her arms and I can't help the tears rolling down my cheeks. Goddamn! I missed her so much.

"I'm with you!" she whispers and I wrap my arms tighter around her petite body.

"I'm so sorry..." I say in a choked voice. Suddenly everything flows through me. I've been an idiot and kept pushing this amazing woman away from me. I pull away from her slightly to look into her eyes. Tears shimmer in hers too. "You said it would help me to be at her funeral and it did. I was finally able to let go. It honestly feels so damn liberating," I confess. She smiles sadly at me and strokes my damp cheek. "I don't know how to make things right for the past few weeks, baby. But I know I never want to risk losing you ever again."

"You haven't lost me, Kian," she says quietly. "I tried to understand you. You dealt with the pain by pushing away people you love. If I had let you, I probably wouldn't be standing in front of you now."

"I'm so damn sorry baby. I almost ruined it between us when you're the most important thing in my life. Thanks for not giving up on me when I did." A tear falls from the corner of her eye. I brush them away with my thumb.

"I missed you so much!" she sobbed into my chest.

"Psh... I'm so sorry." I pull away slightly to look into her eyes, then kiss her gently and pull her back into my arms.

***

At my house, I take my girl upstairs to the bedroom and we go to bed together. Cuddled up close to each other, we enjoy the moment of being so close again after three weeks. I take a deep breath.

"At her funeral..." I begin quietly. I feel Estrela's eyes on me while I have mine on our intertwined hands. "I stood apart from you. I couldn't bring myself to come closer. When you left, I kicked myself in the ass and walked in front of the grave... I'm sorry I wasn't standing with you ."

"I'm proud of you for taking this step," she smiles at me soothingly.

"How can you still be such an angel to me after all I've been to you?"

"Because I love you, Kian. And I've never stopped." I put my hand on her cheek. I look longingly into her beautiful, green eyes and answer her words.

"What did I do to deserve you?!" I whisper more to myself against her lips before placing mine on hers. I haven't felt her that in three weeks. I never want to be without her taste, her scent and how it feels to have her so close to me.

My mouth glides gently over hers. She buries her hands in my hair, hugging me closer. My hands slide over her delicate body. "Kian..." she whispers. "I didn't want to leave you alone for the last few days, but..."

"No, baby. You didn't do anything wrong. I deserved it and it brought me to my senses. I guess I had to feel what I was losing first," I tell her. Her green eyes scrutinize me intently. She is so damn beautiful. "I love you," I whisper, kissing her hairline. She rests her head on my chest, right where my heart beats for her alone.

"You too." She closes her eyes. We've been through so much. I don't think there could be anything now that could tear us apart.

***

ESTRELA

A few months later ...

"Hey, Dad," I greet him when I arrive at the boxing studio. He turns to me and smiles at me.

"Go on. I'll be right back with you," he calls out to his student, whom he appears to be teaching, and turns to me. "Hello sweet." He kisses my cheek. I smile broadly at him, which is why he looks at me questioningly. I quickly pull out the book I've been hiding behind my back and hold it in front of my dad. "Is that ...?" my father asks curiously and tensely.

"My book!" I announce proudly.

"That's fabulous! ... Come on, show me." He puts out his hand for the paperback. I put it in his hand and he starts leafing through it. "God, I'm so proud of you!" His eyes light up with pride before he pulls me into his arms.

"It's on sale starting today!" And I can hardly believe it myself. My dad wants to give me the book back, but I smile and shake my head.

"Of course you can keep that!" I grin at him and he kisses my forehead. My attention is drawn to a specific person who has just emerged from the locker room. Biting my lips, I eye Kian. He looks so good in his workout clothes. He has been allowed to start boxing again for exactly a week. And day by day, I see how happy he is to be able to pursue his passion again.

"Hey, Kian! Get your ass over here!" my father calls to us. I blush a little and giggle. Kian looks over at us in surprise. He certainly wasn't expecting me in the boxing studio today.

"Hey, baby. What a nice surprise," he greets me, kissing me softly on the lips. He looks down on me lovingly.

"Your girl has something great to announce," my father tells him. He smiles at both of us while Kian looks at me expectantly. Meanwhile, my dad disappears back to his student.

"Well then I'm curious!" I grin broadly and pull a second copy out of my pocket, which is meant especially for him. Kian's gray eyes light up when he sees my name on the book cover and starts to grin when he sees the signature in the book. "For my boyfriend, whom I love more than anything", he reads out loud. "I'm happy for you, baby. I'm damn proud of you!"

"Thank you," I breathe and kiss his lips gently. "I love you."

"This needs to be celebrated! We can have dinner tonight. What do you think?" he suggests. Seeing Kian so euphoric warms my heart.

"That sounds nice." I smile happily at him. Kian then kisses me so deeply and deeply that I get very hot. With a sigh, he pulls away from me, gives me one last seductive grin and begins his workout for the day. I'll stay in the boxing studio for a while and watch him. At the same time, I break out in a sweat myself. Because watching Kian train is pretty hot. But it also fills me with happiness to watch him when he's in his element. And after everything he's been through, it's nice to see him so exuberant and happy. Because that's all that matters.