Chapter 47: Chapter 47

ESTRELA

It has now been two weeks since Kian's surgery. He had to remain in the hospital for observation. These fourteen days were not easy. Neither for Kian nor for me and everyone else around us. In the first few days, Kian was very sleepy and I stayed with him for most of the day. In the remaining days it was admittedly harder for me to be with him because he was constantly absent and hardly spoke to me. I haven't heard an "I love you" from him or had a kiss since he had surgery. Every night I lie in bed and cry quietly to myself. I feel like Kian changed after the "incident" and that all that's left is a cold shell of himself. Every day, I hope that he will be the same again. I know it will take time and he's dealing with the worst demons inside of him right now. But all this makes me incredibly sad and tired. I also started organizing a funeral in those two weeks. Kian's mother's. I really hope it will help Kian say goodbye at his mother's grave. It would be at least a small step towards healing. It takes place on Friday. It's Monday and Kian can finally go home today. His wound is slowly beginning to heal, but he still needs at least a month's rest. He must not make any laborious movements. That pretty much eliminates boxing. Naturally, he is by no means pleased about this. I hope he takes it all seriously too. Inflammation of the wound could become life-threatening for him.

I hear a honk from outside. That must be my dad. He will pick Kian up from the hospital with me and take him home. My dad was shocked when I told him what happened. He was shocked and of course he was very worried about Kian. And of course he still does it.

"Hi, Dad," I greet him as I get into the car.

"Hello, darling. Are you alright?" He gives me a worried look before driving off. He seems to notice the dark circles under his eyes, which my concealer can hardly cover up.

"Mmm," I say. "Kassandra's funeral will be on Friday."

"I'll be there..." I nod and look out the window. My father wasn't very close to Kian's mother, but he knew her nonetheless. I never asked my father what he thought of Kassandra. Did he also hate her for how she treated Kian back then? But what does that matter now? She is dead.

"I have yet to tell Kian." My gaze wanders back to my father. He frowned. "He should say goodbye to her."

"Of course, sweetheart. But don't push him. He's having a really hard time dealing with this. He's acting wrong with all his feelings right now and pushing us all away. So you should know that if it's getting to be too much for you, you come to my house or call me. You can sleep at my place or in your apartment. I can see how tired you are..." says my dad, which makes me sigh deeply.

"Dad ... Kian will come home today. I won't just sleep somewhere else that night. He needs me."

"Promise me you'll take care of yourself."

I look at my father in dismay. "Kian would never do anything to me..."

"I don't mean that, Ela," he interrupts me. "Words can also be very hurtful..." I bow my head and tug at the shirt I'm wearing from Kian.

"He needs me, Dad. Right now."

***

"I don't need this damn wheelchair. I can walk!" Kian growls and looks at the aforementioned witheringly.

"Are you trying to collapse on your way to the car?!" my father says in a stern tone. Kian twists his mouth into a sarcastic smile. I turn my back on the two men and look out the window.

"My legs are probably still healthy." My father sighs deeply.

"Fine. Your decision." I turn around. Kian's eyes meet mine. He frowns slightly and tries to get up without taking his eyes off me. I can neither interpret it nor take mine away.

"You see. I can walk alone," he says and wants to grab his bag, but my father quickly grabs it from his hand. "Let's go." My gaze is fixed on Kian's back. I'm afraid he's going to collapse at any moment, but he makes it to the car without incident. However, I didn't miss his shaky legs and his hands were constantly being formed into fists. I would have liked to take hold of them. But the fear that he would flinch at my touch was too great.

When we get to Kian's, my father turns to him. During the journey he mostly avoided conversations. Especially those where it was about his protection.

"If anything, get in touch with me. Sure?" My father puts his hand on his shoulder and squeezes it. "And rest well so that you can get fit again soon!" he calls after him, long after he has got out of the car. My father turns to me. "See that he doesn't do anything stupid. But also take care of yourself, Ela."

"I will, Dad. Love you."

"You too." I give him a kiss on the cheek and then get out. When Kian wants to get his bag out of the trunk, I quickly take it from him. He reluctantly allows this. We step into the house together. He goes ahead and takes a deep breath. I watch him closely as I set his bag down in the hallway. He leans his back against the kitchen counter. His hand moves to his stomach where the wound is. He grimaces slightly. Without thinking twice about it, I go to him and take his hand away from there. I lift his shirt and reveal the large band-aid covering the wound to see if he's okay. Luckily it doesn't look to be a concern.

"I'll help you reconnect tonight, okay?... Are you in pain right now?" My gaze wanders up to his eyes. My breath catches. Those beautiful gray eyes look straight into mine. I haven't been this close to him in a long time.

"I'm fine, Estrela," he says simply. He's not doing well. I know him better than he likes to think. I would love to lean in further and kiss him, but when he takes my hand and pulls it away from him, and so away from me, disappointment sets in again.

I try to distract myself by starting to cook something. The fact that my thoughts are constantly revolving around why Kian no longer allows closeness is also present after cooking. With a plate of spaghetti in hand, I go upstairs to the bedroom where Kian has retired. He's asleep, I notice as I quietly enter the room. I sit on the edge of the bed next to him and put the plate down on the bedside table. My eyes fall on the painkillers lying there. Because he's fine. I know he took those pills because they make you tired.

I wake him up because he should eat something. I'm not a particularly good cook, but it certainly can't be any worse than hospital food. "Kian?" I shake his shoulder slightly. He suddenly opens his eyes as if I had thrown a bucket of cold water over his head. He looks at me completely breathless. His gaze scans the room, then he exhales loudly. "Are you okay?" I ask him. "I made food." I show him the plate.

Exhausted, he runs his hand over his face. "I didn't want to sleep," he just murmurs and sits up.

"Those are the pills. But it won't hurt you to get some sleep."

"Believe me, I'd gladly give up sleep if..." He exhales deeply

"If what?" I ask.

"I have these shitty nightmares. I see... see them die every time. Over and over again." I look down before saying quietly, "She'll have her funeral on Friday. You can say goodbye to her there, Kian."

"Say goodbye?" he laughs. The fact that he says it so coldly worries me.

"Kian. She was your..."

"Mother. Yes. And he was my father. But that never meant anything." His expression hardens. "Just let it be, Estrela." I swallow the lump in my throat. "Thanks for the food, but I'm not hungry." He swings his legs out of bed, fishes out a fresh shirt and pants and pulls them on.

"Where are you going? You should take it easy!" Exasperated, I follow him as he leaves the room. "Kian?...Damn!"

"I'm going to Callahan's. Don't worry. I'll be back soon." And with that the door slams shut and he leaves me completely speechless and hurt. What is he thinking of disappearing to Gabriel now? His injury is only two weeks old! But I should have guessed that Kian Warren couldn't keep his feet still for so long. Frustrated, I fall onto the sofa and think. How can I help him? The fact that he told me about his nightmares is a small step, but not enough. He just needs time, I remind myself. Just how much longer will this go on?