Chapter 40: Chapter 40

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So if you love someone you should let them know

When you've seen the scythe of death or caught a glimpse of his tail slowly walking towards you, the world will replay before you like an old film. It would bring back the memories you have cherished since you were a kid and the pain you have felt in every struggle life had thrown on you.

All the things you have done while trying to get a life will continue to play, this time telling you what you've done good and what you've done wrong. You will start to question your life and the purpose why you were even born when you're going to die in the end. It will make you realize that you are just a dot in a universe and that you are not really important in this world.

When you die, the world will move without you. People will learn to move forward without you. All that will be left are secrets you've hidden, feelings you never brought to life, regrets, what-ifs, whys, maybes, and memories. Some people may see you as someone they will never forget and would forever mourn you, others wouldn't even care.

That's how I viewed death. I was so close to kissing death's ass and up until I figured out why death didn't welcome me. It's still not time which made me question why I am still alive.

I was so close...I have those seconds of seeing the stairs to heaven or hell or whatever they call it when you die. Although, there were no memories that played before my eyes, there was nothing. It was so dark that I couldn't breathe. I must have screamed because I was terrified. It felt like something was swallowing my whole existence that all I did was scream. I was so scared. It was black, nothing, yet the feeling inside my chest was everything I couldn't fathom.

The moment I opened my eyes again, I clearly understood that I'm not afraid to die. I am afraid I will leave people behind me without saying goodbye.

If I would choose to die, I wouldn't be choosing an accident because there will be a lot of things that will be left behind. I think I wouldn't be able to sleep wherever I am because I know I left the people I cared about. They can move on without it, but imagine the pain they felt when what ifs attacked them in the night, thinking how they weren't able to do the things they wanted to do with you because you suddenly left the world.

That experience made me appreciate people who's very honest with their feelings. People who can tell you right away that they cared for you because I am not that kind of person. I often lie about how I felt.

And, maybe, one reason why I am still alive is because I still have unfinished business which includes being me, telling the truth. I've learned that rejection makes us hide our feelings. We are frightened that they will not love us back. But, feelings are not always reciprocated. It just needs to be felt. So, it doesn't matter whether that person gives your feelings back, what's important is that person knew you cared and loved them. We need to make that person feel that they are loved because sometimes that would save them and will make them realize to love themselves even more.

I was saved by a lot of people because they told and showed me how much they loved me. I was feeling alone and that love saved me. Without the love I get from people, I think I wouldn't survive this long. I wasn't able to give back those feelings but it made an impact in my life and made me realize that before I become capable of loving someone genuinely, I should love myself first.

It's been a year since I battled with death. A long year. I guess we need to experience death before we can actually live.

Things have changed a lot after I was kidnapped by the Vice President. They tortured me. I still have scars in my body that I am proud of. Well, that doesn't include the nightmare I have every night but they're part of me now so I have to embrace the demons inside me. I am not okay but it's okay because I have people beside me.

My sister Gwen, still a bitch at times, was proven innocent. She got justice for the man she loved. The Vice President was impeached and is now serving a life sentence inside the prison for killing his son, hoping he's paying and regretting what he'd done. He told the court it wasn't intentional, that he acted because he was angry. Maybe, I don't know his feelings.

All I know is that the law uses classical theory which believes that people have their own free will. We know the difference between good and evil so we should be prepared for the punishment when we commit an act or omission punishable by The Revised Penal Code.

I think the Vice President knows that, but he was so blinded by power that he killed his own son because he's going to reveal all the wrong deeds of his father. I salute the guy. He may have not lived long, at least he was given justice. His death wasn't in vain.

After that, I still went to work for Atty. Levi. I owe him a big time so I promised myself I will continue to work for him and his firm. A lot of firms and even the Supreme Court offered me to work for them, but it's not me or what I want. It's a nice opportunity but it also means I don't get to spend a lot of time with my family...with Gem.

She needs me especially now that she's growing up. And, Loud needs me, too.

"I SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME AND STOP FEEDING ME!"

The sound of broken glass hit the floor and the nurse immediately went out of Loud's room. I bowed my head and told the nurse sorry before heading inside Loud's room. She just smiled. Like me, she's used to it. The hospital staff were already used to Loud's tantrums almost every other day or if he felt like hating the world because of what happened to him.

He obtained multiple gunshots from the incident where one of them penetrated the left side of his brain causing him to have hemiparesis. It's been years since he was diagnosed with it. He couldn't move one side of his body. He lost the ability to move freely, thus he spent his time sitting on an electric wheelchair, cursing and hating the world because he lost the skill to become a surgeon.

My father, his attending physician, told me that it's only temporary. He could still go back to his old life if he continues to do the rehabilitation and therapy which he refused to do. I mean, one moment he was okay with it, the other day he didn't want to do it.

We've been trying to give him the best medical care but he's giving it up. I couldn't blame him. In a glimpse, he lost his dreams and thinking he would never hold a scalpel again, that definitely killed him inside. Somehow, the damage on his left brain also affected his emotions so there are times when he's acting strange and he can't control his feelings.

It's been like that for years. Truth be told, there are moments when I would just cry alone inside the room because I am getting tired of him. I am so close to giving up but whenever I look back at all the things he's done for me, I have no right to give up.

I was to be blamed for what happened to him. If I hadn't accepted the case, nothing like this would happen. We will still continue to live a life...maybe away from each other. But, at least, in that life he's now a cardiothoracic surgeon.

It was such a beautiful what ifs that I tried to remove from my head but it kept on playing over and over again. There was a part of me who regretted helping my sister, but she's family. And, because of that...of everything that happened, I was able to forgive my family and myself.

So, there shouldn't be regrets. It needed to happen so we can all move in peace. I had reconciled with my mother and we're doing great now. It was a year full of sadness, pain, sorrow, sufferings, but I found everglow at the end of those things and I had learned to appreciate every little thing the universe had thrown onto me, may it be bad or good.

Loud somehow forgot that he was the one who taught me that after every sadness, there is the warmth feeling...there is this everglow. He is my everglow, and it seems he no longer sees me as his everglow no matter how I helped him brighten his path.

He dimmed his own light.

"Hey, you don't like the food?" I asked, with a smile on my face, as I looked at him with his brows wrinkled and his mouth twitching.

"I don't want to eat," he simply replied.

"C'mon," I pouted and tried to act cute in front of him. "I made some pancakes." I opened the tupperware, picked up the fork, and leaned closer to give him food. "How about I --" I wasn't able to finish my sentence when he shoved the tupperware away from my hand. It landed on the floor and the sound of fork dropping echoed inside the room.

I widened my mouth. Okay, calm down! This isn't the first time he did this and he'll get over it. So, I smiled and cleaned it.

"Seems like you don't want a pancake. How about--"

"GET OUT!" Loud screams made me jotted. "Get out! I don't need you!"

"You are having tantrums again," I faked a laugh. "Want me to sing you a song?"

"WHAT PART OF GET OUT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" He raised his voice and his veins were popping in his forehead.

"What is happening here?" Var interrupted. "Are you seriously shouting at Gabriella?" Var frustratedly yelled back at Loud. "Really? Are you going to continue being miserable?"

"Var..." I held Var in his arms as he was ready to attack Loud. "It's okay. I will just -"

"No! It's not okay!" Var protested as he looked Loud with pity on his eyes. "You don't have the right to do that to her!"

"Shut up! You don't have a say on this. What are you even doing here?" Loud scowled. Seeing Var made him angry again. Var decided not to leave the country until he makes sure I am fine. About that, I think he won't be able to leave the country any time soon.

"Well," Var smirked. "I may not have a say on this. But, I'll tell you. While you are pushing Gabriella away and accepting your fate, cursing the world, being miserable, living that electrical chair life of yours inside this hospital..."

Loud's right hand closed fist as his teeth gritted with what Var said. There were bolts of lighting between their eyes as they stared at each other.

"I get to do this," Var added and pulled me. I widened my eyes in surprise when Var kissed my lips for a split second. Loud curses and his knuckles were turning red.

"And, you can't even punch me!" Var mocked him before going out of the room.

I clutched my chest. Damn! Var! That would definitely make Loud even more angrier. You gotta be kidding me!

"Sorry! Var didn't mea--"

"Why are you still here?" Loud asked in a low tone. He chewed his words as he whispered, "Just go, leave me and spend the rest of your life with Var."

"Do you mean it?" I replied as I cleaned the floor.

"Why do you need to ask?" he replied back. "Just go. I am giving you permission to go with him so you will be happy," his voice cracked a little. He turned the other away, helping himself not to cry.

"I am asking if you really mean it because if you do," I stood up, threw the food in the trash bin, before facing him again. "I will leave you right away."

For the record, I will never leave him. Not now, not tomorrow, even if he continues to push me away. He knows that.

He knew that I didn't know how to lie. So is he.

"I mean it," he said, trying his best to act tough.

"Well," I shook my head. "You're lying!" I chuckled, went in front of him and stared at his eyes. "You are not very good at lying."

I kissed him on the forehead and smiled. "I love you. I'll call the therapist now. Okay?"

"Kiss my lips."

"What?" I chuckled. He is so cute. I fixed his hair and teased him. "Kiss you? Why would I kiss you? You are being rude to me."

"Fine. Go to your Var. Kiss him all you want---"

I kissed him. "I love you, Loud."

He blushed and a smile slowly appeared in his face though he tried to hide it.

"I'll call the therapist and pick up Gem, okay?"

"K," he replied.

I chuckled.

Halfway to the door, he spoke. "You are telling me that you love me but you didn't even punch Var when he kissed you!" he frowned. Okay, he won't let go of this.

His cheeks were flustered, not because he's blushing, but it's more because he's jealous. Well, he's always been jealous of Var and I think Var is really a great motivation for him to walk again. Should I make him even more jealous of Var?

"I wanted you to do it for me," I grinned. "So, get up and punch him in the face!"

He hissed. "Why not just marry him?"

"Oh, about that?" I stuck my tongue out and I pulled from my bag a small box with a ring I bought for myself because it seems to me the love of my life isn't buying me any ring. He's too busy sitting on an electrical chair. I should knock him out. Ugh!

I tip-toed and put it on top of the cabinet. "Stand up! Get the ring and put it in my goddamn finger!"