Chapter 81: Chapter 81

Chapter 81 He needs to stay away

I tapped my fingers unceremoniously against the counter of the kitchen. My head was propped up in my free hand and I was in deep thought.

Colton came to my apartment yesterday to apologize.

I must say, I wasn't expecting him to come back, and I certainly wasn't expecting him to apologize. He's always seemed so cold, so rude, and too closed off to ever admit his faults.

Perhaps, I have misjudged him?

He did seem genuine, and he did seem awkward and shy. Maybe my eyes were deceiving me, but....was he even blushing when he was speaking to me? I can almost laugh at the thought.

Surely, I was just seeing things. Surely, the big, bad, scary man was not blushing.

Maybe I was just stuck in fantasy land at the moment, and I saw things that I wanted to see instead of seeing things that are reality.

He is even at the store right now, buying parts he may need to fix my heating problem. I must admit that I am pleasantly surprised that he would do such a thing.

I thought that our fight would have been the last time I would see him, but obviously, I was wrong.

However, after today, I do not want to see Colton again. His unpredictable, sudden outbursts of anger causes me to be thrown back into my past. It isn't good for my own mental health, and I certainly don't want him to see me have a mental breakdown or a panic attack.

When he lost his temper to me just the other day, I couldn't sleep that night.

All night long, paranoia carried me in its arms. All night long, I was terrorized with nightmares of men screaming in my face, beating me, and raping me. I even had nightmares of the crash scene, where it was me that was dying instead of the little boy and his grandmother.

I remember clearly how the sharp glass of the burning vehicle sliced completely though my stomach, shredding my insides and causing me to bleed to death as the little boy laughed over me.

It was terrifying.

All night long I was drenched in a cold sweat.

All because Colton triggered my panic attack.

I hate to admit it, though, that I've actually grown to....like Colton a little bit, for whatever reason. The feelings are tiny, but they're still there. But whatever we have cannot happen. Not when he's as unpredictable as he is now.

It's scary, and I do not want to spend time with someone who instills such fear into me. And damn it, I hate that I'm afraid. I wish I could be strong, I wish I had courage and bravery.

But I don't.

I don't, and nor do I know how to handle Colton's mood swings.

His outbursts aren't normal by any means, so I'm wondering if he has some sort of a mental disability. Perhaps, if he would get help for it, maybe things could be different.

But until then, he needs to stay away.

When I heard his gentle knocking at the door, I let him in. He had a bag full of supplies he thought he would need.

"Are you sure you know how to fix these problems? I could have just called a repairman and let them deal with it." I ask hesitantly.

"I'm pretty familiar with how the basic heater works. Besides, a repairman will charge you too much money." He says, scoffing and rolling his eyes.

"Alright," I say, shrugging, "I guess I'll show you the where the heater for this apartment is, then."

I led him into a storage closet in the apartment, where the hot water heater is also located. Everything is really outdated, so I'm surprised he knows how all these things function.

The light of the storage closet flickers a few times before finally shimmering a dim light. Everything is dusty, the room is medium-sized, and it smells of damp mold. There are boxes stacked atop each other, full of VHS tapes as well as CDs.

"This is the heater, I think." I tell him, pointing at one of the white, box-shaped panels with pipes coming out of it. Truth was, I'm not really sure what it was for, but I'm sure Colton would know.

"Colton, are you even listening?" I ask. My back is turned to him, and he hasn't said a word since we've stepped into this room.

All I hear are his heavy breaths.

Concerned, I turn around to face him, only to find his shoulders heaving up and down. He was sitting on the floor. "Why are t-the walls closing in on me?" He asks shakily.

"Colton-"

"G-get me out of here. I-I can't do this. I can't be in here. I can't." He cried out desperately as he started trembling and shaking so violently, it looked like he was having a seizure. He was rocking back and forth, eyes glistening and head buried into his knees like a beaten child.

His amount of sheer panic was alarming, and I hesitantly approached him and knelt down at his side.

The sight broke my heart.

He resembled a mere child, beaten and broken beyond recognition.

He started coughing and wheezing, and his fingers were buried into his hair, grasping and pulling. He was muttering incoherent words, his voice coming out in broken sobs.

I needed to help him.

I've been through this before, and I handled his severe reaction the only way I knew how.

I grasped one of his wrists and pulled it away gently from his head. I took his hand in mine, his fingers quickly curled around my own, as if he was seeking comfort. His hand was large, clammy, and shaky. His violent trembles were passed onto me from touching his quivering hand that shook my own body.

"Breathe Colton. Take deep breaths, I'm going to help you, alright?" I say softly and place my hand on his upper back. He seemed startled by my touch at first, but then he allowed me to stroke his back as I tried to help him calm down.

"It's okay. Take some more deep, heavy breaths. You're going to get out of here, but you need to calm down first." I told him.

He did as I instructed, taking large, deep breaths. He whimpered when my touch left him momentarily, and he cried out in panic when his hand couldn't find my own. "Don't l-leave me alone like e-everyone else!" He sobbed, panicking more as he writhed around in anguish.

I quickly grasped his hand again. "Shhh you're not alone. I won't leave you. Not anymore, I won't leave you." I run my fingers gently through his sweaty hair as the minutes tick by. And as the minutes pass, his breathing slowly returns back to normal.

When he lifted his head out of his knees, I saw that his cheeks were wet with tears. "Don't look at me like this!" He cried out in shame. He ripped his hand away from mine and buried his face into them, hiding his tears.

"Colton, look at me," I say, ripping his hands away from his face, "Look at me."

When he still refused, I hesitantly reached out and cupped his face. His glistening eyes met mine, full of pain and terror. My own eyes started tearing up. Seeing someone so broken like he was hurt me.

Obviously Colton has been through some major trauma, and it hurts me to see him struggling with it alone.

Maybe he's so unpredictable because all his emotions are bottled away, only coming forth under pressure.

First glance at him, and you will see strength.

First glance at him, and you will feel intimidated.

First glance at him, and you will notice lack of emotions.

But when the mask falls away, his demons come out. His true self comes out. He walks around, seemingly cold, emotionless, and strong. And maybe he is all those things to a certain extent. But when one sees that he only puts on that mask to hide his inner self, worlds start to crumble.

He isn't who he seems on the outside. He walks around with deep rooted, heavy, intense pain that weighs him down, but one would never know it because he wears such a strong facade.

None would ever know it unless they caught a rare glimpse into his vulnerable, terror filled world.

"Shh Colton, it's okay to cry. It shows that you are human." I whisper to him, stroking his cheek with my thumbs. He doesn't flinch away from my touch this time.

"No, being human means being weak. Showing weakness makes you vulnerable, and being vulnerable leads to pain." He says back quietly.

"You can't be strong all the time. Nobody can, Colton. And becoming vulnerable doesn't have to lead to pain anymore. You don't have to live the life you've been living."

I let go of his face, letting him speak.

"N-no, you don't understand," He says, his voice quivering, "It's not that easy, I-I can't just leave."

I don't know exactly what kind of activities he involves himself in, and nor do I know his past at all. He knows a little bit about mine because he rescued me from human trafficking, yet, I know nothing of him.

"Then make me understand and tell me. Tell me what you've been through, tell me what you're involved in. I want you to tell me right now." I demand.

His eyes fill with terror. "No! You'll think of me differently."

"I will not. I just want to help you, and being truthful is the first baby step."

He sighs, burying his face into his hands again. "You'll hate me more than you already do." He mutters.

"I don't hate you, hate is a strong word I like to use only for the worst of people, and you are not one of them."

"Don't you get it? I am one of those horrible people," He says, standing up, "I am a monster, I am a murderer. I am everything you should flee from. I am everything you should despise."

"Colton, I'm sure that's not true-"

"But it is! And I fucking hate it, don't you understand?" He yelled, starting to get worked up and agitated.

He took some deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Meanwhile I'm stuck in fear, my heart is throbbing and it pounds so loud in my ears I fear it might burst. I'm at a loss for words, trying to decipher truth from lies.

Is what he said true? Or was he just trying to find more ways to beat himself up? I don't know.

"I can't tell you everything. I can't for my sake and I can't for you sake. I've done some horrible things, Lily, that I don't think I will ever speak about to anyone. But I can tell you something, only because you deserve to know after.....after everything I have done." He says. He sounds nervous and fearful.

He looks down at the ground, toeing the floor with his boots and fidgeting with his hands profusely, a sign of his nervous habit.

Then he speaks.

And for whatever reason, his words shock me because I should have expected it.

"I am the leader of a cruel gang called Tainted Nightmare, and we are responsible for the many crimes committed in not only this town, but others as well."