Chapter 20: Chapter 20

XV

Days pass by without me realizing what's actually going on. I am nothing but a mere spectator, watching somebody else's life unroll in front of my eyes. I am trapped in a shell - a shell made of my deepest fear.

It's amazing what fear can do to a person; it has led me to kill and now to stop living my life and just become a fragment of what I used to be, waiting for something to happen.

Waiting for police to lock me up and accuse me of murder and to make me spend the rest of my life in prison.

I feel like I've just started living the way I should have all along and it's all going to be ripped away from me.

I am so fucking afraid of that happening.

I see my change of mood has also effected Sophie even if she doesn't love me the way she used to. It's apparent in the slightest of changes - she frowns slightly more often than she used to and when I'm laying awake at night I notice that she's more restless than she used to be. She eats enough, but I can tell she doesn't enjoy it like she used to, it's more like she tells herself to eat for her baby and for me, probably, so that I wouldn't worry, even if I don't deserve that.

I try to smile for her but she sees straight through my façade. The good thing about her feeling bad for me, however, is that she actually pays me a lot of attention in which I revel. She shows more affection to me than before; random hugs, making my favourite breakfast, stuff like that. It's obvious that she cares and wants me to get better and I love it. Knowing that she cares is a kind of a medicine for me.

I know it's pity probably, but I let myself convince me that it's because she loves me. Pathetic, but it actually helps.

I hate that I'm effecting her in a negative way, especially because of our baby, but I can't help myself. Every cell in my body is just waiting for a disaster to happen, body tense like it has never been before.

Coach has helped me as much as possible - he has been calling people non stop, trying to figure out what to do, he has gotten me a lawyer, done a full research on laws in America and in the UK and had Axel Jarvis's death certificate made.

Axel Jarvis is gone, died driving off a clif somewhere in England just a month and a half ago.

It should make me sadder than it did, but I actually enjoy being Dave Axel Williams more than Axel Jarvis.

Axel Jarvis had a shitty childhood, dead parents and gotten himself involved with a gang and alcohol.

Dave Axel WIlliams is a famous boxer, rich, with a family and a pregnant girlfriend.

If my mum could do it, why can't I?

I stand up from the couch I've been sitting on constantly and go around to look if Sophie has woken up already. I came down to the living room at around four a.m. because I could see my movements were preventing her from getting a good night's sleep.

Surprisingly, I managed to fall asleep for a few hours myself on the couch.

Looking aroung the kitchen and the living room I couldn't see her so I go up to check the bedroom.

When I pass a mirror in the hallway, I make sure to look away. I don't need another reminder of how horrible I look.

I frown when I see she's not in the bed, either. Where is she?

Maybe she's walking Wolf, I'll go and see if he's on the leash outside.

Slight panic overcomes me when I notice Wolf on the leash, Sophie no where in sight.

I'm just about to call her, when I notice her caller ID flashing up my screen along with a picture of her stuffing her mouth with pancakes.

I smile at the picture and pick up. "Where are you?" I ask her as soon as I pick up the phone.

She sighs on the other end of the phone. "I'm sorry Axel, I just need a day off. Your behaviour is stressing me out and it's not good for the baby. I'm at mum and coach's house so you don't need to wory. I promise I'll come home tomorrow evening, okay?"

Anger fills me and I know it shouldn't so I decide for once not to act on it. I feel a little concerned as well - her voice is off and I don't know why. Has something happened?

"Yeah, sure." I grit out words as if they're poison in my mouth. "Is everything else okay?" I ask her, squeezing my eyes shut.

She waits a moment before assuring me she's fine.

I'm not a fucking idiot, I know that she's lying. I need to find out what's wrong and I will - I'll give her a few hours then I'll stop by coach's house to give my girlfriend a little visit.

I shouldn't, but I know I will.

When I hang up the phone, I busy myself with training and cleaning, waiting impatiently to leave and get Sophie back.

I'm like a three year old, desperately needing its mother by its side.

When I finally decide I gave her enough time and open the door to leave the empty fucking house behind, I'm face to face with two stern looking cops.

Ice spreads in my veins and I know this is it.

Holy shit, they're finally here to take me with them.